.

Excerpt from AV Club comments for this past week's episode of 'Louie'

2010-08-26T01:11:00.003-04:00

Nouwrasa

24 AUG. 2010 | 11:59 PM CDT

Your avatar pic is really cute, kind of got me thinking why there aren't any black women in Japanese hentai animated films. Course there aren't really any "japanese" women either. There are the occasional black men but aside from Kite: Part 1 where the beautiful female detective fantasized about sleeping with freakishly endowed black partner you only see black men during gang rape scenes. Even in Japanese pornography where American Porn Stars are flown to Japan they are always white girls. I have often masturbated to the classic Bob Clampett warners short "coal black and the seven dwarfs" and feel that an animated remake could bring a greater appreciation of the erotic qualities of black women to Japan. I do not mean to imply that I hope to see Coal Black get gangraped by seven freakishly endowed dwarfs which is a cliched idea. Perhaps if they used the same character design but she was the leader of a mecha freedom force stationed on Jupiters moons and is kidnapped by Earth special forces and is strapped to a wall and erotically electrocuted for hours on end while being shown propaganda footage and is forced to grow a penis (no balls) which is necessary to ejaculate the thousands of ants which live in her uterus (making her look 20 months pregnant) that acts as one giant testicle.

TheZeppo

25 AUG. 2010 | 12:57 AM CDT

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Monster Get Down

25 AUG. 2010 | 12:59 AM CDT

what.

Cheacuka

25 AUG. 2010 | 1:14 AM CDT

I didn't intend to come across as racist, I don't fantasize about witnessing animated black women being raped from a racial standpoint, I feel that cartoon women are idealized perfect women and a true celebration of erotic qualities. Tentacle rape scenes bring out emotions and bodily transformations in women that are impossible to capture in real life and to witness an animated black women have such a fantastical ethereal experience of being filled with gallons of semen and ants it would be a privellige to witness because of my RESPECT for black sexuality and intelligence and that I cannot believe I am witnessing such a thing.

Think if you were to witness Beyonce Knowles being penetrated (arms) by and ejaculated on by a gang of octopi and although at first her pupils contract and she has a look of abject fear like this is a waking nightmare she soon gives in and has many orgasms and you have to tackle her to stop her from swimming back out into the ocean after them when they are finally exhausted and leave, it is because she is such a classy beautiful and intelligent woman that the depravity and surrealness of that situation is so erotic and amazing. If I were racist and was not in awe in her I would not feel there is any fall from grace. I am simply saying I wish that the most pure expression of female sexuality known to man (hentai) would embrace the strong and mysterious sexuality of black women.

Kiopraid

25 AUG. 2010 | 1:23 AM CDT

I want to make it clear that I LOVE BLACK WOMEN! I do find you intimidating though because of your beauty. I tried to check out some books at the library once and the librarian was a pretty black woman and she made a comment about the weather and my face was so read and I was so nervous that I just sputtered and snot started running down my face like I had a cold I had to stare at the floor and she looked at me like i was crazy and I felt so pissed off cause I could tell she thought I was cute at first and I ended up smacking the tower of books to the ground in anger and then sprinting outside and didn't stop for 6 blocks and nearly got hit by a car and I threw up.

TheZeppo

25 AUG. 2010 | 1:26 AM CDT

Sounds like you have too much free time and/or semen on your hands.

Uoufriot

25 AUG. 2010 | 1:30 AM CDT

I am on disability for severe aspergers/autism and anxiety. I used to work in a comic store but too many women complained.

Yep.

2010-07-20T18:33:00.003-04:00

A burger. Made entirely of bacon.

2010-07-14T13:13:00.000-04:00

Matt Bloom over at Wired.com has posted his harrowing tale of making (and eating) a hamburger (literally) made with only food processed bacon and a single egg for structural stability.

This is most definitely why you're fat.

The article, which is both informative and disgusting, features a video of Bloom eating his caloric crusher to varying degrees of enjoyment.

Notable: the video is shot with an iPhone 4 and looks awesome.

CALZONES

2010-07-13T18:01:00.001-04:00

update:

naturally: NPR - What is a 'Massive Heart Attack'?

You know what I've never understood? Why do newspapers always say somebody died of a massive heart attack? Didn't New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner just die of a heart attack? Is it really relevant that it was massive?

It's the same thing as when someone dies in a horrific car accident, or is brutally stabbed in a murder. Aren't fatal car accidents all generally pretty horrific? Isn't a stabbing murder by nature brutal?

#editorialpetpeeves

The Polaris Prize finalists seem awful familiar

2010-07-12T14:46:00.000-04:00

The 2010 Polaris shortlist:

The Besnard Lakes
Owen Pallet
BSS
Radio Radio
Caribou
The Sadies
Karkwa
Shad
Dan Mangan
Tegan and Sara

Does it reflect badly on the prize when the same bands keep showing up on this shortlist every year? I'm all for the concept of the Polaris, awarding artistic merit. And to the prizes credit, the winners have often been smaller bands grinding out original sounds (Miracle Fortress, Fucked Up) but, seriously, every year there are the same 4-5 bands on this short list. Metric is missing because they didn't release anything this year. Stars missed the cut because... uh, well, because their new album is kind of awful.

But the Besnard Lakes are repeat nominees. As are BSS, Final Fantasy/Owen Pallet, Caribou, Shad, Tegan and Sara. That's 6 out of 10!

Maybe the issue is there simply aren't 10 prize-worthy albums released in Canada every year. Let's be honest, if Forgiveness Rock Record or Tegan and Sara when this year's prize, people would be pretty shocked. So why are they even on the list? Another personal complaint, but where's Sarah Harmer? Her new album is wonderful.

On the bright side, I love that the Polaris sheds light on some great, less publicized Canadian artists -- which, let's be honest -- is really the whole point of this exercise.

I'm personally rooting for Dan Mangan's Nice, Nice, Very Nice. Great folk-pop album, strong from start to finish. Mangan's voice comes off as a happy version of Glen Hansard (of The Frames) minus the accent. The songs are tightly written and there isn't much to complain about as Mangan manages to jump from twangy to dreamy without batting an eye nor unsettling the flow of the album.

Smashing snooze on the biological clock

2010-07-07T00:20:00.000-04:00

New York Magazine has this really great feature on the modern dilemma of having children. Essentially it explores whether there is a dichotomy between parenting and individual happiness, and the nebulous attempts to define what the hell happiness really is anyways.

Rarely do articles both provoke thought and are relatable these days, but this one indeed hits the mark twice.

Full disclosure: all my friends are having kids. Literally, all of them. By November I'll have known nine couples who had children this year.

I'm obviously not going to foster children any time soon (I haven't quite perfected a-sexual reproduction yet). Still, the mere thought of being a parent induces mild panic attack type reaction from my body.

From the perspective of the species, it’s perfectly unmysterious why people have children. From the perspective of the individual, however, it’s more of a mystery than one might think. Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines.

Despite a sombre title (All Joy and No Fun: Why parents hate parenting) the story is actually patently informative, objective and insightful about the myriad complexities involved with bringing life into the world that so often go untalked about.

A great read whether you want kids, or not, or simply are of the age where this is even an interesting topic.

Inner dialogues #8714: retails awkwardness

2010-07-05T13:58:00.000-04:00

Self-admission: I am at times rather self-concious despite my oft tendency to display an absolute and utter lack of shame. These tendencies manifest themselves in irregular ways however.

For example, do you have a certain store that you tend to buy most of your clothes from? Have you ever found yourself in a mall wearing clothes from said store, then confronted with having to possibly go into that store to look around but find yourself kind of embarrassed you would do so wearing essentially their clothes?

I'm not saying this is at all logical. I'm just saying it is a somewhat hilarious twinge that most certainly passes my mind; the momentary fear of judgment from the employees in the store, who surely would be thinking "why is he wearing all clothes from this store? does he think he's a mannequin? what a loser! lollollololrofol".

OR, even worse, when you buy something on sale, and you realize after a few days it was an even better deal than you initially understood, then you want to go back and buy another of the same item in a different colour but you're actually wearing that item at the time. Do you ever think "hmmm... maybe I shouldn't go in and buy those shorts right now, because I'm wearing them, and I don't want to seem like I am so unoriginal that I buy all my shorts from here when they are dirt cheap, even though I really need another pair of shorts because it's so goddamn hot".

Yea, that's the worst.

Threat level: jacinthe

2010-07-03T03:13:00.000-04:00

Let's not beat around the bush -- I am concerned for my inner child.

Unlike many abusive parents however, my weapon of choice is more subtle. I am starving that little ingrate to death.

Between looking for jobs, not working and/or working jobs I don't particularly enjoy, there seems to be unrelenting regression in my abilities to create, think, write, imagine, sing, play music, cook, finger paint, sculpturade in Cranium or, in general just do anything involving an iota of original thought.

It is a tide I am struggling to stem, and it does not feel to me like it is merely a trickle. I feel my creativity (and will to be creative) is... you know... leaving me. God, I can't even think of a witty metaphor to describe a very strong exodus. Something water related ideally I suppose, but, you know, whatever.

Fuck it.

My point is, a concerted effort is being undertaken. This is like one of those civic projects where a municipality plunks boatloads of taxpayer money to maintain and refurbish a historical building.

More reading. More music. More more more culture and art and things that will pique my curiosity beyond what songs will be sung on the next episode of Glee.

Also, I'm going to get good at moonwalking. Don't ask why, I'm just going to do it alright?

You should too.

One thousand posts

2010-06-23T03:52:00.000-04:00

God, really? It feels like so many more than that. I suppose 1000 thoughts is quite an accumulation, seeing as how it took nearly a decade. To be fair, the last year and the first two years were basically a wash since I didn't spend much time on this site.

Still, pats on the back all around team. You've made it. When do I get my book deal?

C'mon. Read my posts starting from 2001 chronologically and tell me that's not a movie waiting to happen.

For the record, the role of me will be played by Terry Crews.

2010-06-23T03:48:00.004-04:00

Gay or Gangsta?

2010-06-03T16:25:00.003-04:00

Clarifying untruthiness

2010-06-01T14:32:00.003-04:00

Everybody thinks drinking alone is sad, or lonely, or depressing.

But this is totally not true!

Drinking alone is every bit as fun as drinking socially*.

note: keep in mind that being hung over alone is sad, lonely and depressing.

BREAKING NEWS: MILEY CYRUS HATES GLEE

2010-06-01T00:46:00.002-04:00

At least, according to the internet, which as we know, is never wrong.

Does this strike anybody else as odd? Perhaps it's because the show purposely defenestrated her song the climb a couple weeks back -- there's always more to the story in Hollywood than we know.

Still, how can anybody who likes music hate all musical theatre? Least yet the irony of her being a Disney star who played a singing sensation for tweens across America?

The most confusing thing to me about Miley Cyrus though? How did she get so popular when she is neither talented nor attractive?

I mean, Hillary Duff may not be the next Ella Fitzgerald, but at least she's La-La Land pretty. Miley Cyrus is a bad singer AND she's kind of a butterface. How did she get famous? A mystery that shall never be solved.

I give her 5 years before she pulls a Debbie Gibson and doffs the clothes for Playboy.

Random television notes

2010-05-26T01:11:00.003-04:00

What is the appropriate analogy for watching Idina Menzel and Leah Michelle sing a duet of Pokerface? Thomas Keller and Heston Blumenthal working the grill at a Harvey's? David Lachapelle and Annie Leibovitz being prom photographers?

Community is easily the best sitcom on tv.

I can't believe more people don't watch Breaking Bad.

Mad Men is stylish, Treme is poignant, Dexter treads dark comedy, Friday Night Lights is heart warming and the Pacific is white knuckle action.

Breaking Bad is ALL OF THESE THINGS. It's the best show on tv right now, bar none. Get on that folks.

Pour one out

2010-05-20T11:45:00.001-04:00

I shattered my favourite coffee mug today.

Slightly surprised at how sad this makes me.

I love this

2010-05-19T18:37:00.002-04:00

Believe it or not, we NEWSWEEKers know what you're saying about us out there. That we're obsolete. That all of our remaining subscribers are dentists. That we lose $28 million a year and are about to be sold to an Israeli billionaire who will inevitably replace the entire staff with IDF robots. To me, it seemed like the wrong time to launch an experiment designed to make us look "with it." "Breaking! From Deathbed, NEWSWEEK Discovers Twitter. Next Up: Bel Biv Devoe." I was not eager to be eviscerated by the Awl.

Andrew Romano, Newsweek writer

Full text here

Streets Ahead

2010-05-14T18:19:00.001-04:00

Slot Machines and Glee

2010-05-12T03:17:00.003-04:00

The latest episode of Glee was basically the one I was waiting for. Like how a slot machine gives you small victories just to keep you interested, tonight's episode was my tiny victory for staying faithful. This must be how Rihanna felt.

Best episode since the pilot in my opinion. If only they could all be as well composed as this week's.

One beef: since when is U2 circa Joshua Tree considered Classic Rock??? What does that make Zepplin or the Stones? Archaic Rock?

Hear me out literally

2010-05-06T01:30:00.003-04:00

Backstory: I went to this talk with Sasha Frere-Jones, pop music critic for The New Yorker. He had a little moment where he espoused the virtues of vinyl, quoting a friend who mentioned mp3's were like "a photocopy of a polaroid of a photograph of a picture," or something along those lines. He mentioned that mp3's feature roughly 3 per cent of the musical data on a given tracks master studio recording. This was at once not particularly surprising but also rather slap-in-the-faceish when stated in such blunt terms, kind of like looking at a smokers left lung.

Anyways, this kind of restoked my vinyl fires, which are decidedly on and off like any of my various hobbies.

By no means am I qualified to speak on vinyl. I'm going to anyways.

My modest collection is in single digits if you don't include the castoffs I bourgeoissily stole from my dad. Still, you don't have to be a connoisseur to understand the appeal of the vinyl experience.

First off, because I have such a small record collection to pick from, I listen to the same albums more frequently. The result is a more intimate exposure to music, breeding more familiarity for better or worse. Either way, my relationship with an album -- the physical LP -- is much more tangible. I have to literally select it, and handle it, being careful not to scratch or warp the record in order to make sure I can experience it again in the future. By respecting music's physical manifestation I feel like I learn a greater respect for the music itself indirectly.

Secondly, my record player is not part of my computer, or my tv, or anything else. It is a machine that exists solely to play music, meaning in order to listen to records I have to make a purposeful trip to my stereo. And I can't go anywhere! The music is only going to be perfect in that one spot in between my two speakers. I'm making time to hear these songs, it's not something I'm doing in the background. This record is the main course.

The act of buying a new record is an exciting experience itself. Yes, you can pay for music on iTunes and listen to it, but really that is such a shadow of the fun of buying a LP. You get to go to a store -- a real place! -- surrounded by choices you can casually browse through. Much like adopting a pet, you often have to make a decision about who you're going to take home that day; it has to be an album that you connect with personally in that moment.

All the way home you think about listening to the album. There is no instant gratification here, not unless you have a record player in your car or backpack. The delayed gratification makes the payoff all the sweeter when you finally get home. Even the simple process of having to rip-off plastic wrapping and pulling out a pristine piece of vinyl for the first time is such a special treat compared to double clicking a mouse button.

Thirdly, you can't skip songs. Well, I mean, you can, but it's almost more trouble than it's worth. Get up? Walk all the way across the room? Naaahhh. By essentially forcing yourself to listen to every track, you get to appreciate things that if you had the power to, you might have skipped over and missed. It's almost like forcing yourself to try eating new foods -- you might not like things at first blush but often we are surprised at what ends up growing on us. Music is no exception.

Finally, audio fidelity. As mentioned above, mp3's are a shadow of original studio recordings. We could get into digital vs. analog recordings here, but again, I will never claim expertise in this arena. All I will say is the difference between listening to an LP, the warmth and depth of the music, has a life that cd's -- nevermind mp3's -- cannot replicate. Music sounds more real (as it should in analog) with records, and that just makes listening to it a more enjoyable experience.

Listening to vinyl seems snobby, and it's inconvenient and impractical. Make no mistake about it. But if food has taught us anything it's that quick and easy is not always the best approach. Moreover, eating lunch in your car will never be as enjoyable as sitting down and enjoying a slow cooked meal prepared with love and fresh ingredients.

If we're willing to pay a premium for food this way, shouldn't music be afforded the same latitude?

Elbow padded twill jackets

2010-05-05T03:49:00.002-04:00

White Women's Workout - watch more funny videos

Songs that, you know, sounds different slow

2010-05-04T00:49:00.002-04:00

I am going to attempt some covers. I haven't recorded in a long time, mostly due to the disenchantment of hearing my own voice.

Still, what are some good songs to cover acoustically? Currently my list of tracks I want to attempt stands as such:

The Sea Is A Good Place To Think O The Future - Los Campesinos
I Heard You Had A Voice Like An Angel - Psalm 137 - Shad
I'll Believe In Anything - Wolf Parade
Unison - Bjork

The times they are a literally changin'

2010-04-21T13:50:00.001-04:00

Talking about the weather in Canada is not relegated to the realm of chit chat conversation. We above the 49th love to talk about how sunny it is, or how sad the rain was, or the size of hail, or how although it was overcast where you lived my area was sunny and dry.

Moreover, Canadians value the option of four seasons to choose a favourite from more than perhaps any people in the world; and this is where my mind has been lately.

For the longest time, my favourite season was Autumn for myriad reasons: foliage; sweater-but-no-jacket weather; my birthday; halloween candy; the World Series.

As age has ravaged me however, I find myself increasingly basking (sometimes literally) in the joy of sunshine. As a result, and at the risk of seeming disloyal, I came to the sudden realization today that I have been disillusioned by my own romanticism for the vast majority of my life. Let's get real -- #TeamSpring is where it's at.

The warming thaw of sunny days after a long Winter (or historically short, whatevs) is simply too much to ignore. Throw in everyone starting to strip off cumbersome pants, the NBA and NHL playoffs, the start of baseball season, the first BBQ of the year and the first patio visit and Spring just look like it's holding a stacked hand.

Sure, everyone loves Summer with good merit, but I've always found it insufferably hot. Likewise, Winter obviously has it's shortcomings. But saying Fall is your favourite seasons always seemed like it actually told something about a person; it meant you like Dylan albums and vintage clothing, y'know? Autumn seems more artsy. But at this point in my life, artsy just doesn't keep warm my heart's cockles anymore. I need more from a season than nice pictures and knit sweaters.

My point is, Autumn, I can't wait till you come around. But for now, I'm going to enjoy the flowers blooming and plaid tube-top wearing concert going hipster girls.

Ideal weather: 22 degrees celsius, 35% humidity, Sunny with some cloud cover, gentle breeze, 0% POP.

Hypothetical #589714

2010-04-19T03:12:00.001-04:00

Do you ever wonder if the guy who invented the clock radio is happy with his life?

I mean, sure, it was a great idea. He's probably rich. But did he really invent anything? Do you wonder if he ever feels like a fraud? Or that he just got lucky and doesn't deserve his fortune -- like someone winning the lottery?

Birth of a Boat Shoe

2010-04-11T04:17:00.001-04:00

It's a coincidence the recent Kelefa Sanneh article over at the New Yorker was passed around this weekend here at the blog, because I've been thinking about all this racial paradigm business recently and for me, it all starts with feet.

Sure, it might seem more macro when Sanneh wonders aloud if "white is the new black" in observing a new burgeoning visible majority; just as wondering what that would make "old black" or "new white" a question wrought with grey tinged complexities. Still, it's not the social, political or even anthropological issues that I find most confusing.

It's the shoes man. Boat shoes, to be specific.

I can't wrap my head around the latest trend in sneaker culture (a community as intertwined with hip-hop and urban minorities as vegans are with tofu) hypebeasting the hell out of boat shoes. It's even evolved, with Nike and Vans getting into the act of mashing boat shoes with classic Dunk and Chukka silhouettes.

There are aspects of boat shoes I do get. I mean, they look neat. Some of them have piping and tassels, great. But at what point did wanting to dress like a retired investment banker on holiday become certified street fresh? I realize this look isn't particularly new, it snuck up slowly but now that the ensemble is complete, is anybody else stepping back and asking "really? what the fuck?"

Let's break down some popular male streetwear trends: Louis Vutton bags, Gucci loafers, gingham shirts, bow ties, bespoke suits. Isn't this how Ted Kennedy dressed? I can only assume this reverse co-option is apropos of white people hijacking rock music, blues and Michael Jackson.

Ironically of course, (mainly white) hipsters continue to attempt to go the opposite route, purposely using socioeconomic advantages to try and purchase authenticity. Basically, that means paying two-thousand dollars on designer clothes to look like you only spent two dollars at the local Value Village. Grinding sneaker collectors want to look like they're heading to the Hamptons while kids from upstate all want to dress like sneaker collectors.

So I mean, if rich white people want to look like less rich black folk, while less rich black folk want to look like (old) rich white guys, doesn't this all turn into some sort of Donnie Darko catch-22 cyclical space continuum tear type of deal or whatever?

Or maybe not? I mean, maybe boat shoes are actually not being appropriated. Maybe people just like wearing boat shoes. Who decided white people own Fred Perry kicks anyways? Who decided it had to be an us vs. them proposition all the time with clothes, or shoes, or music?

I guess in my mind I wonder about the value of Sanneh's piece after having given it time to simmer. Important to note that I'm not aiming for piety here, I'm merely wondering aloud: if we're aiming for post-racial shouldn't we be wondering how our race paradigms are confining us more than how we should best observe and redefine our differences?

Kind of like how no one actually wears fucking boat shoes on a boat anyways -- it's a name that no longer means anything so who cares if you're rocking them at the club?

Maybe one day we'll get to that point with race as well.

Doing things alone

2010-03-31T01:09:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I went to see Beach House play the Opera House (that must be confusing if you don't go to a lot of concerts or listen to a lot of hipster music, I apologize).

It was, in my recollection, the first time I have intentionally gone to see a gig alone. I must say, it was an interesting experience. Part of the reason people go to concerts is to bask in the communal energy of live music. If we just wanted to be introspective about tunes, we could sit in our dark corners with headphones on. The energy a live crowd imparts to a performer and vice versa is one of those rare bouts of reality digitization simply has not been able to emulate.

Watching a concert on Blu-Ray is just not the same as attending one, no matter how loud you crank that 5.1 surround sound audio. This is most markedly obvious when you compare the concert experience to sports.

Although both are live events, some people prefer to watch athletic competition on TV, where you have the best viewing angles, commentary, instant replay and easy access to your fridge. This just isn't the case with music. The worst nose bleed seats at a Justin Beiber concert are still invaluable to any 12 year old girl, much more than an advance copy of the DVD recording.

With that in mind, going to a concert alone is at once the same as going with friends, albeit slightly bi-polar. By that I mean: when there is music on stage, you don't really notice. Nobody really talks much when performers are on anyways, so no difference at all there.

When there is no music however, (i.e. before the openers, in between sets, after the final song) it's a palpable sense of dissatisfaction. By nature you want to share this experience with someone, but really there's just the other lonely dude beside you in the crazy ball cap.

Anyways, as I sat there, I couldn't help but think about how odd that was -- the fact that musical events are such a unique and difficult to reproduce experience.

So yea, it was kind of disaffecting to be alone at a great show. At the same time, I don't regret going because Beach House was pretty awesome. Basically, I've concluded I'd rather miss a major sporting event than regret not seeing a great band live when I had the chance.

Basically, today's moral? Everyone should go see more live music.

Unlikely update: presented by insomnia

2010-02-03T06:14:00.003-05:00

Say theoretically, somebody turned your life into a movie. A frame-by-frame duplication of some of the most memorable moments you have ever experienced, strung together into a somewhat comprehendible narrative.

What kind of movie would it be, genre wise? Comedy? Drama? Would it have an arc? Would there be any sort of resolution? What would the major conflict be? Antagonists? Thematic structures? What would be the appropriate directorial style?

Who would play you?

Do you believe after watching it, you would perceive yourself any differently?

Do you feel old?

2009-12-14T15:43:00.002-05:00

Because I do. Technically, I should still be somewhere in the vicinity of my physical prime right now, but I'm finding that I can't run as fast, stop as fast, jump as high, last as long or generally stop myself from feeling wonky like I used to.

What used to come easy now seems like an arduous effort.

Or maybe I'm just mad my jumper is rusty, having not really been on the court in a few weeks.

Still. Damn you, time.

Well fuck

2009-12-14T11:29:00.002-05:00

No, that's the whole post.

Awesome

2009-11-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

Best of Craigslist: July-Sept 2009

2009-11-02T23:57:00.002-05:00

condoms and door knobs.

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.

Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship

Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent.

You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages.

I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best).

The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need.

Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures.

Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well.

I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends.

Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon!

Morally Bankrupt - m4w

I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me.

I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j).

My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them.

P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you.

Brain Surgery Intern

Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries!

If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line.

Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores.

Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car.

Wanted: Pony

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

The times they are a changin'

2009-11-02T14:49:00.002-05:00

Hello world!

2009-10-08T02:16:00.000-04:00

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The Star irks me again

2009-09-27T22:32:00.003-04:00

Chinatown grocer accused of assault 'a victim': Kenney

In an attempt to curry favour with local Chinese business owners, Kenney vowed to raise with MPs the community's plea to reform a section of the Criminal Code that prevents retailers from apprehending shoplifters outside their store's premises

Oh come on. "IN AN ATTEMPT TO CURRY FAVOUR"??

I know as a publication you're inclined to be critical of the Conservatives, but there are editorial liberties, then there are sentences-that-become-fodder-for-those-Conservatives-and-their-supporters-to-prove-your-publication-is-not-credible.

Also, I am curious if in this case, either lawyer is going to whip out a copy of The Dark Knight in order to argue the myriad angles of citizen vigilanteism?

Asian people love sales

2009-09-15T00:03:00.004-04:00

Before leaving for vacation, my dad bought (and I'm not exaggerating here) nine boxes of Haagen-Dazs popsicles. Naturally, I'm not obligated to eat them all or anything.

But I'll be damned if I'm not trying. If one box is left when they get back I'd be surprised. Someone needs to stop me, I'm out of control.

I also have five boxes of Honey Bunches of Oats in the pantry. Damn these sales.

Elections shmelections

2009-09-10T18:11:00.001-04:00

In recent weeks, U.S. President Barack Obama's fading aura of invulnerability has been as much a story as health care reform itself. People had begun to doubt his lauded communications skills, his affable charm and ability to galvanize public opinion.

What you can't ever deny though is this: the dude can give a speech.

Watching him work his on-camera magic, one portion of the night caught my attention in particular -- and it wasn't the part where he shouted out our Universal Health Care.

Check this, from towards the end of his speech last night:

...when facts and reason are thrown overboard and only timidity passes for wisdom, and we can no longer even engage in a civil conversation with each other over the things that truly matter -- at that point we don't merely lose our capacity to solve big challenges. We lose something essential about ourselves.

Obviously, this was directed at his partisan critics, but has anyone recently so aptly described the state of Canadian politics?

Here at home, we have been so mired in mediocrity that politics has completely lost relevance in daily life. Nobody cares about Ottawa anymore because Ottawa doesn't care about them. It is a self-enclosed universe, further alienating its members from casual society day-by-fucking-day.

Is it any wonder Canadians are deciding not to vote in record numbers? What are they voting for? Following our government is like watching those episodes of Morty Seinfeld running for president of the Boca Raton condominium board. All we need is a scandal over tip calculators.

The current levels of disenfranchisement among intelligent citizens in this country is not only a shame, but a cancer eating away at the potential for growth, innovation, creativity and leadership Canada has to offer the world.

From the looks of it, there will be another election this fall. I'm not pleased, but I'm not averse to this.

All I hope is that somebody, somewhere, runs on a vision of what Canada should be -- and why she or he is the person to make that vision come true. Isn't that what politics is about? Selling us on happiness?

I beg each of us to seek ways to affect change towards this direction. Get involved, volunteer, hell -- run for a seat. Anything to inject new blood and fresh ideas into this sham we call our government.

Canada's a great place, but right now it's like an office where management is all incompetent and nobody knows how they got their jobs. Lets take this bitch over.

I hate Failblog

2009-09-09T05:16:00.005-04:00

HOWEVER,

I love: Totally Looks Like

I cannot believe I did not think of this blog idea first. Dammit all, it's so up my alley. I love shit that looks like other shit!

Diane Simmons from Family Guy Totally Looks Like Dana Scully from X-Files

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

American Teen Totally Looks Like The Breakfast Club

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Posh Spice totally looks like Falcor from The Neverending Story

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Harriet Tubman Totally Looks Like E.T.

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Old Tree Totally Looks Like Clint Eastwood

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Wouldn't a putter be more effective?

2009-09-02T23:28:00.004-04:00

I recently watched Funny Games, a thriller/horror film directed by artsy fartsy Michael Haneke. It was sufficiently graphic, bordering on tortureporn territory, but the one thing I took away from it was: you should always have a plan.
Meaning, if someone broke into my house, what would my immediate course of action be? Where would I run? Where are my weapons for self-defence?

The characters in the movie were at their cottage, so obviously that's a bit of a disadvantage right away. But for the better part of an hour, they were essentially held hostage by a guy wielding a golf driver.

I mean, come on. I'd like to think with the variety of household items at my disposal (ironically this does not include any golf clubs), I would most certainly be able to fight off an attacker armed with only sports equipment. I do have baseball bats. I'm pretty sure bats beats golfclubs in a fight.

I'd also have a mental triage of sorts in place, knowing at what point it's better to run away for help at the risk of the remaining hostages, or stay and fight thus risking all of us PLUS not capturing the criminals.

The Boyscouts had it right: be prepared.

Good thing there are so many large windows to climb out of in my basement...

Hello reality

2009-09-02T01:17:00.005-04:00

So for better or for worse I've basically decided to completely stop looking for a journalism job. Simply put, unless I can get hooked up, it just doesn't seem like anyone wants to take a flyer on a candidate who spent most of his time doing PR.

That said, I'm just going to look for a job that will pay me well, and I'm going to do as much freelancing on the side as humanly possible until maybe one day I end up somewhere I'd rather be working. It just isn't feasible to survive as solely a freelancer right now... you need money to build your portfolio and live a life at the same time.

These are very mutually exclusive options.

Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy crushing people on the corporate ladder.

Everyone always figures me for a cynic, but I guess deep down I'm actually a hopeless romantic.

Am I like an inside out clown? Is that what's going on here?

Dear friends, bored at work.

2009-08-29T05:06:00.003-04:00

Me and some gallant colleagues have decided to pool our writing resources.

www.theashcan.com

Anything remotely intelligent will be posted there, but I will be maintaining this faithful site as well, for more personal posts such as how lonely I am at night and what drinks I mix before bedtime.

The future is internet promiscuity. If you can't beat'em, join'em.

I live by the ocean

2009-08-18T10:22:00.001-04:00

Home.

Easing my way back into things as I have a tickle in my throat, but it was worth it. Iceland was amazing, more details to come soon. For today, I offer only the best faux road rage video on YouTube.

Auto reply:

2009-07-29T00:34:00.004-04:00

Simon is out of the internet for the next two weeks, celebrating good friends in Calgary and searching for his soulmate in Iceland. He will return on August 16th. All work-boredom related incidents will be attended to upon his return, or if urgent, please visit www.fmylife.com for your daily fix of asinine humour.

On a completely unrelated note, I used a loofa for the first time yesterday. It wasn't actually a puffy one though, it was more like a soft, mini burlap sack. At first it just felt like I was scratching myself, but I must say afterwards my skin felt much softer and healthier. Perhaps there is something to this exfoliation business I keep hearing about...

On that note, I bid you Bjork.

Mmm... Hsu Fu Chi

2009-07-28T02:15:00.006-04:00

Chuck Klosterman could only exist in America.

Only in such an idiosyncratic culture could a writer make a living dissecting and analyzing the vapid and morbid obsession we have in North America with celebrity pop-culture. Millions of people every day enjoy reading, watching and sharing opinions about why we act the way we act, listen to the music we do, celebrate the famous people we do.

Intellectuals are no exception. To send scholars at the minutiae of our indulgence is in itself an indulgence only we could afford.

Lately however, I am finding myself increasingly curious if a person such as Chuck Klosterman exists in China.

I cannot read Chinese, so my attempts to search for a Chucky Kwan type pop-culture swazi have been hindered. But in my mind, if Klosterman and Thompson can make turning a mirror on ourselves engrossing, can you imagine what an unfettered and gifted Chinese writer could do with her topic matter?

Let's be honest here -- China is Fucked. Up.

Partially because of the disparate geography, but throw in the political status, cultural repression and constant self-conciousness, and you have a potent and fascinating mixture. Instead of questioning what is produced by Chinese pop-culture, how about wondering why there is essentially no such thing as pop-culture on mainland China? And what little of it does exist is such a sad showing.

Japan, South Korea, India; all the major Asian nations have developed a pop-culture identity to call their own. Even Hong Kong. But for some reason, not mainland China. They have always just mooched off of Hong Kong, but that's like all of Canada being defined by Roch Voisine -- it just would never happen. (I realize the irony of a Canadian accusing another country of lacking cultural identity, but Beijing and Shanghai combined already have more people than we do. So bear with me).

Why is this? I find the question tantalizing. Naturally however I do not consider myself in touch with the Chinese youth. I only know what I can perceive from my house. If you are educated on the topic, please enlighten me.

Otherwise, I am off on a search, starting tonight. Updates to come on what I find.

*********************

As an aside, I found this article kind of neat.

The top selling candies in the world.

I'm not a huge M&M's fan, but apparently I am in the hugenourmous minority.

(500) Days of Summer: Fairytales for Macs

2009-07-26T04:33:00.011-04:00

It was ironic that during the trailers for (500) Days of Summer, the latest Jennifer Aniston movie was foisted upon us.

As Hollywood romantic comedies go, this must have sounded wonderful on paper: let's get Jennifer Aniston, put her in Seattle, make her a small business owner who meets a rich guy and teaches him the importance of the immaterial (love!), then name it 'Love Happens', which I can only assume is a cross between 'Love Actually' and 'Shit Happens'.

For Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zoey Deschanel however, in (500) Days of Summer; life happens. Unlike Aniston's future pablum, '(500) Days' explores the ambiguity and often, irrationality of emotions and relationships, particularly in hindsight. A refreshingly grey take on the rom-com, the film so overtly channels 'The Graduate' that Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross actually play a pivotal role in the plot.

Deschanel plays the titular Summer, with whom Gordon-Levitt (as Tom) meets, greets, loves and learns in the span of 500 days. Most people in life experience love more than once, but it's rare to see a movie about those multitude of relationships that start with a bang, only to end with a fizzle. '(500) Days' takes the audience asymmetrically through just one of those relationships, with both Deschanel and Gordon-Levitt playing their pseudo-hipster roles to a tee. Ever the idiosyncratic leading man, Gordon-Levitt in particular puts forth an emotional roller coaster performance, providing a decidedly subjective backbone to much of the film.

Marking the directorial debut of music video veteran Marc Webb, '(500) Days' is a slick, stylish film that captures the city of Los Angeles with an intimacy few have ever achieved. Although Webb leans heavily on some of his past experience (watch the video for Maroon 5's 'Goodnight Goodnight' after this movie), the romance unravels on screen -- literally and figuratively -- with aplomb. The architectural cinematography, unique shots and seasonal colour palates wielded by Webb et al help layout a sprawling, time bending story with such simplicity that even Christopher Nolan would be proud.

It would be a shame also not to mention the splendid soundtrack, again harkening back to Webb's background. Tunes from The Smiths and Regina Spektor perfectly serenade romance's foibles at every turn, diegetically entrenching themselves in the story as much as music does in our own real life relationships.

For those who are romantics however, let it be known that there is little real gloom and doom here. Despite sounding like a downer, witty banter and laughs are easy to come by during the film's brief 95 minutes. Moreover, although we are warned this is not a love story, it is undoubtedly one full of love -- particularly the ending, which essentially asks why we should bother at all?

Regardless of how you interpret the finale, much like 'The Graduate', '(500) Days of Summer' will ensure you enjoy making that decision.

Flashback Friday: High School Yearbook

2009-07-24T05:13:00.006-04:00

Why did people write in silver and gold pen? It's impossible to read. That said, here are the most hilarious yearbook messages I got during my four years in the public education system. My 1998 book is full. I think my OAC book has like, 6 messages. You can tell at what point we all stopped caring. On the unintentional comedy scale, some of these are simply off the charts. Bonus marks for matching names with comments.

************************

Hey Simon, I'm signing in the front ok? I really can't think of anything to write cause I just but my lip. It's been great having you back at the same school as me. You're the same as you use [sic] to be, and that's a good thing. Well, that's all from me. - 1998

Hey Simon, This pen sucks huh? ... anyways, it's been nice knowing ya. See ya next year. - 1998

What up chink! You fuckin' FOB! Have a good summer chink .. l8r ... p.s. I'm gonna nuke your ass like Hiroshima! - 1998

What up Simon? Why is [name of guy who wrote the previous comment] so gay? I think he likes you. Hope things work out between you two! ha ha! Anyways, have a great summer. - 1998

Hey Simon, well, I didn't really get to know you very well, but I do know you skip art often. do [sic] deny it ... we all know the truth. Have a blast this summer, see you around. -1998

Hello Simon ... what a great year eh? It would have been even better had you worked harder, cause then you'd have the marks to show for it. Well, you have next year. Okay, you've class ............ SIMON! you wrote such a bad message in my yearbook! You want a sticker? well you CAN'T HAVE A STICKER. I don't have any, but even if I did you WOULDN'T GET ANY! BAD MESSAGE! - 1999

Yo Simon, Lessons of the year: don't do drugs, alcohol, white girls. See you next year - 1999

Simon!! You SO cool man ... ha ... no really, you are the sweetest, nicest, most considerate, DEFINITELY the most funny, bestest friend guy I know!! tee hee ... you're so great to whine to ... and I've done my bit of whining ... awww... Eric didn't give me a Pokemon sticker .... sad /whine. Thanks for Chia! I know Steph is incredibly jealous!! Thanks for being the groovin dude that you are! Luv ya! - 1999

Simimon, attack all you EVIL digimon! BBALL rules! We'll win next year. - 2000

BUY ME ICE CREAM - 2001

Ohbijou - Beacons (for realsies this time)

2009-07-23T02:24:00.011-04:00

You know that movie, where this girl, who is in a struggling band and works temp jobs on the side, and this guy, who works as a writer for fortune cookie fortunes, meet, then have an emotional roller coaster through the four Canadian seasons in the heart of Toronto's downtown artistic community, going to indie concerts, hanging out at Trinity Bellwoods park, staring at stars, jamming together, building snowmen and falling in love slowly despite an unsure future because the girls band might make it big, but they struggle through their own selfish issues in order to learn how to love, even if it means learning to lose that love while moving on in a bittersweet life lesson, but not regret it because the year they did spend together was so good they have no regrets since it made them both better people?

No? Ok, well, it's because I made all that up. But if it DID exist, Ohbijou's latest album would be a perfect soundtrack for it.

'Beacons', the follow up to the orchestral pop ensemble's 2006 lp 'Swift Feet for Troubling Times' is, if anything, a consistent sophomore effort.

A familiar mix of cello and piano accompany lead singer Casey Mecija's fragile songs and even frailer lilting vocals. Ohbijou have always been known to craft a delicate sound, despite the bands propensity for using upwards of 8-10 instruments on a single track, and 'Beacons' is no exception.

Opener 'Intro to Season' doesn't take listeners far from the band's signature sound, but the pacing and energy of the song reveal a band more mature in its song craft and more realized in letting their musical talents shine through, a somehow subtle yet stark difference from the pure emotion that drove many of the tracks on 'Swift Feet'.

Still though, through and through, the main draw here is Mecija, who's voice makes you feel like she's whispering each song directly into your ear like a sweet nothing on a quiet Ontario night. The intimacy and sheer prettiness of her voice make it impossible to not get caught up in the swell of strings, horns and dreamy plucking banjo.

To be honest, I always thought Ohbijou sounded much better in studio than they do live, and this is mostly because despite being incredibly talented musicians, their product is inherently background music of the greatest kind. Taken on its own, the music may not immediately seem captivating. But listening to 'Beacons' will make you incredibly cognizant of the fact you are alive in the present. Backing a period in time, an event, emotions and thoughts -- it's music that makes a normal moment extraordinary, even if you're alone. It makes you feel like ... "hey, this moment in my life could absolutely be a scene in some hipster romance movie."

Basically, if you think you'd enjoy that fake movie I mentioned, you'll probably enjoy Ohbijou.

Also, they played a free gig at North York Central Library once. Yes, you read that correctly. How can you not think they're sweeties knowing that fact?

Curmudgeons need not apply.

Ohbijou - Beacons, 2009

Independent

Sounds like: Carissa's Wierd is for depressed people as Ohbijou is for hopeless romantics.

"Wildfires" live at the North York Public library, North York Civic Centre, 2007

Ohbijou - Beacons

2009-07-22T01:54:00.008-04:00

When picking with whom to face the zombie apocalypse, bear in mind the following helpful tips:

Three's for undead certainty, four makes zombies turn and flee!

Nobody wants to fend off a ravaging pack of brain eating zombies alone. Two is great, but when back to back, you are assuming your peripheral vision is 100 per cent able to detect the sneaky buggers who attack when you might be distracted. Why take that risk? Three, of course, is great, because you can stand in a triangle and cover most of the visual area. But four is the party size you want.

Not only do four people conveniently fit into most vehicles, but having four individuals facing outwards guarantees complete visual reconnoissance with four sets of weapons to defend yourself. Moreover, should you have any injured party members, you can in a pinch surround him/her/it and have three outward facing pals for protection.

Surely, you might wonder then, why five or even more are not ideal. One reason, as noted before, is that five people don't always fit into cars as conveniently. Many pickup trucks and 2+2 sedans will fit 4 folks comfortably, but not 5. Moreover, having 5 results in a star formation when facing outwards, sometimes causing overlap in weapons and attention targeting during those crazy zombie skirmishes. Remember, efficiency is key in helping you survive the zombie apocalypse! Finally, 4 is the Chinese word for death -- what better way to show those undead buggers that the collapse of humanity hasn't dampened your ironic sense of humour!

Be special!

There's nothing wrong with being pretty darn good at everything. Obviously, you want to surround yourself with talented, intelligent and most importantly, likable individuals for your time fending off the undead -- after all, nobody wants to fight for their lives while listening to Boring Bob awkwardly retell that story about how he didn't get to tell his wife he loved her. How boring!

On top of being multi-faceted in your competency and physical health however, it is always encouraged that one assemble a party for fighting zombies inclusive of people with skills specifically relevant to the task at hand. Ever used a firearm before? Might want to bring along that chum who you know has a closet full of gun magazines -- that knowledge and marksmanship might just come in handy! Even better are trained individuals, such as police, security or military backgrounds, since they know the basics about myriad weaponry, but can also provide helpful tips for basic self defense against the undead. Nothing shows a zombie you mean business like a well timed judo throw!

Some other specialists who you might find handy include folks who practice: wilderness survivalists, car theft, carpentry, first aid, origami, electrical gadgetry, computer hacking, breaking and entering, hotness, piloting, boating, manipulating strangers, and pastry baking.

Remember to constantly inventory your social network to ensure you have access to at least one person with each of the above listed skills, and ideally more (zombies can sometimes be wildly unhelpful with who they decide to eat that day). If you currently do not have at least one friend who has one of the above mentioned skills, or perhaps you simply have no friends, don't worry! Simply build relationships based on lies and false platitudes in order to make that acquaintance. Nobody will care if Smelly Sarah smells bad as long as she can hot-wire that station wagon in under 15 seconds flat!

The one caveat of course, is if you yourself possess none of these skills. Heaven forbid that you are not even physically and mentally competent in all facets of basic zombie survival! Ha ha ha!

If that is the case however, there are several ways you can still make the final days of civilization much more pleasant for yourself. Simply boss people around! Everyone loves a manager, after all, and if you provide large quantities of ideas, eventually some of them are bound to be useful! If you can earn the role of delegation, your practical short-fallings will be greatly minimized by how involved and encouraging you are to all the other members of your party. Be a great team leader ("great headshot Jared!"), and nobody will be mad if your plan fails. Heck, even if it was a bad plan, who cares! At least you did your best and you're not going to die alone. Mission successful!

Have a plan B! (the B is for "backup")

Say you have picked your three zombie apocalypse chums and after a day or two of bickering about who gets to carry the chainsaw, you decide perhaps you've made a mistake. This is not a problem, and is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's much more common than you think. Thankfully, there are plenty of fish on the sea!

If it is one particular individual bothering you, simply organize a ruse which leads to them sacrificing themselves to save the rest of the party! He or She gets to die a hero, and you are rid of that incessant nagging about forgetting to lock the doors in the nuclear shelter. Win-win!

If it is the unfortunate circumstance where you are unhappy with all of your party, it is most efficient to wait for a chance meeting with another group of zombies survivors, at which point negotiations may begin on creating new parties out of the gathered individuals. A situation such as this would be where the skills of hotness and stranger manipulation would come in most handy.

Finally, when planning your party, the most important aspect of your backup plan should be that at least ONE of your three friends is significantly slower than you. This serves dual purposes. Sometimes, if your slow friend is being chased after a zombie fight that doesn't go your way (happens to the best of us, but you'll get them next time!) you can perhaps save them by reaching your hand out of a moving vehicle, or providing cover fire near an exit or entrance. This makes you look great, not only in terms of projecting skills onto you you may not have, but by giving you loyalty points. If you save others, they'll probably at least try to save you! Everybody is happy!

If you cannot save your slow friend however, it is important that you are faster than them. Because otherwise, you would be eaten by zombies, instead of your slow friend. I'm not calling zombies lazy -- don't get me wrong -- but everybody would agree that it's always nice to eat sooner rather than later when you're hungry, right? Right. Yeaaaa, I'm right! Ha ha ha!

Hopefully this has been a helpful guide in preparing you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Remember, just because they're undead doesn't mean you can't enjoy killing them! Your final days on planet Earth will go by much more happily as long as you think of it as you getting to shoot them, instead of trying to not have them eat you. Be positive!

Pick your party wisely, and happy hunting!

Pick your zombie party

2009-07-21T00:13:00.012-04:00

More people should listen to CBC radio for its magazine shows. Much like the public library, CBC radio is a wealth of knowledge often under appreciated. Not only do you learn about the world, but CBC reporters regularly win awards around the globe for their radio docuwork. Despite the ever-shrinking budget of the ceebs, it's a Canadian institution I fully believe in, heartily support and will love until my final days.

With that said, the current feature on 'Ideas' with Paul Kennedy is a three-part broadcast titled "Climate Wars".

Here is the synopsis:

About 2 years ago I noticed that the military in various countries, and especially in the Pentagon, were beginning to take climate change seriously. Now, it's the business of the military to find new security threats. It's also in their own self-interest, since they need a constant supply of threats in order to justify their demands on the taxpayers' money, so you should always take the new threats that the soldiers discover with a grain of salt. You know, never ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

But I did start to look into this idea that global warming could lead to wars. It turned into a year-long trek talking to scientists, soldiers and politicians in a dozen different countries. I have come back from that trip seriously worried...

- Gwynne Dyer

This might sound like an audiobook version of an inconvenient truth, but so far it has been much more focused on presenting the latest research and exploring little discussed consequences than it is about brow beating.

Not just "the world is ending" but having respected minds discuss how that might happen politically, culturally and environmentally helps really lay things out with a different perspective. Moreover, it explores both sides, weighing the consequences of ecoengineering, ecoterrorism and how both those evolutions are impacting the world on a political level for both good and in many cases, not so good.

Probably one of the most informative pieces of journalism about our current climate (literally and otherwise) that I've ever enjoyed.

I highly recommend you check it out.

Slumber party!

2009-07-17T17:55:00.007-04:00

I'm not ashamed to admit I borrowed the entire Felicity boxset from a female friend and watched them all. Granted, I watched them all with my girlfriend at the time, but I'm not going to deny enjoying every minute of it. Those who know me also are aware of my undying loyalty to Party of Five, My So Called Life and perhaps to a lesser extent, 90210 and Melrose Place.

My question, moreso in regards to the first few examples, is what has happened to the serialized drama on television these days? There are no more hour-long shows devoted to growing up, friendship, life, love and, in the case of Felicity, wiccan dimensional travel to alternate realities.

Every show on television these days has to have a gimmick. Even the best dramas currently airing (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter) are inherently based on a circumstance. The characters are well developed, but the narrative is by far the backbone of all those shows. Mad Men may be an exception I suppose, but that isn't really a drama as it is watching a high society train wreck with sordid candor.

The only heir to the serialized-young-adult drama is Friday Night Lights, which, surprise surprise, I also adore. But despite surviving into season 4, it still suffers dismal ratings. It's the same mysterious fate that befell MSCL, and I've never figured out why Felicity and Po5 became cultural behemoths instead. My theory would naturally be that shows that are too real aren't escapist enough. MSCL was borderline depressing at times, but to be fair, as much as Felicity entertained in that now familiar JJ Abrams fashion, Po5 at times hit pretty hard too. I mean, it starts with a family losing their parents in a car crash.

I find these "chick shows" (full emphasis on air quotes there) to be some of the better written products on television solely because they are character driven, and can't resort to gimmicky plots without being called out on it. Unlike a show like Lost or BSG where things can be made up on the fly, the believability and reliability of characters is the most important facet in the writing. This, as a result, almost always leads to good television.

I didn't want this to be yet another 'watch FNL' post (which you should). Rather, I'm curious why this formula isn't attempted more often. Certainly the difficulty in pulling it off and maintaining an interesting set of characters and plot developments is time consuming compared to an arc about serial killers that certainly must come to a predictable end. Writing life empathetically is one of the toughest things to do.

Throw me in with the emotastic tween demographic if you will -- well crafted teenage girl drama is bar none always the most engrossing form of television. Respect.

Christian magnetic poetry

2009-07-17T01:53:00.002-04:00

That's what I'm staring at right now. A mish-mash of apparently Christian words, such as "gentle", "sister", "radiant", "rejoice" and "God". Naturally, these words could pretty easily be construed in a non-religious way should one be inclined, without much effort or thought. Everything is in the eye of the beholder.

I don't talk about religion much, but I would like to think that should said conversation ever arise, I would have many insightful points to make. Life isn't only about making choices, but making informed ones. I feel I've always made steps to understand all my options concerning and views of the world before settling on ones to call my own.

The reason I mention this is because I have an acquaintance who, after being a longtime evangelical Christian (even considered seminary), has decided to leave the Church, and is now an outspoken Atheist. I find it kind of annoying.

Don't get me wrong, my problem is not with Atheism. Label's are rather futile I've always felt, so in reality I may be as much an Atheist as I am Christian. Rather, I'm taken aback by this person's borderline antagonistic attitude about religion now. It's a complete 180 turn.

If people are allowed to dislike Bible thumping evangelicals, I feel it prudent to apply the same standards of civility to smart-ass Atheists who like to go out of their way to insult religion. Posting Facebook links about Atheist arguments and Atheist novelty tshirts are just as annoying as posting your daily bible verse.

Normal people exist in between. I believe being on either of these extreme's is equally misled. Yet in general, I would say that Atheists share not even a sliver of the negative connotation that Christians do.

Is this fair? Aren't those who antagonize and actively try to persuade people not to believe in God just as overbearing as those who attend Jesus camps?

I'm not saying everyone should stay silent. I believe in a right to free speech, regardless of how moronic one might be. I'm merely suggesting that the next time you hear an Atheist go out of his/her way to insult religion, you ask that person why they felt compelled to be so negative without provocation.

The ignorant folks are usually the loudest, it's sad to say. Regardless of what you're arguing about.

Passionless

2009-07-16T03:05:00.002-04:00

Art, good art, at least, is borne from challenge. Tragedy. Loneliness. Depression. Trauma. Self-loathing.

This is why bands always end up sucking once they become rich. They retain the talent, but the art becomes so emotionally self-effacing that it loses its idiosyncrasies.

Are there good, happy artists? Sure, but they are exceedingly rare. Suffering simply produces a much more dramatic, engaging outcome.

So basically, if you're a great artist, more than likely, you will have to live a shitty life at some point. And maintain it, to some extent. A commitment to good art is a commitment to... a shitty life? Except, it's not shitty, I suppose. Your job may be. And your house. And your clothes.

But your life, if not measured in shitty things, in theory, may be exceedingly awesome. That's the idea right? Right.

Ok then.

Because, you know. You need to know.

2009-07-15T18:01:00.005-04:00

One advantage of free time is I get to catch up on books, movies and music that I wouldn't otherwise have sought out and engaged. Here's some interesting items out now or coming out soon:

District 9

From Peter Jackson, the visual effects in this look absolutely amazing. And not only is it about aliens, but aliens in mechas. That's like putting a twinkie inside a joe louis. How can you resist?

Daybreakers

Vampire is the new teenage-wizard, dontcha know? Also, I can't help expecting a velociraptor to jump out during any scene, in any movie, that Sam Neill is in. Still, I am intrigued by this seeming genre mashup. The trailer is pretty amazing. Also, I love Kate Bush so much that even Placebo sounds good covering her. Brownie points.

The Hurt Locker

This is supposedly the war movie of the decade. I will watch it soon, as it's out already. This I swear. The tension is pretty clearly jacked up big time from what you see in the trailer. Reviews pouring in have been nothing short of stellar.

500 Days of Summer

This actually looks pretty contrived (The Smiths? And you work in a loft studio? Ok). But I tend to enjoy mildly emo hipster rom-coms (see: State, Garden; Kiss, Last; Real Girl, Lars). Where do I sign up for my hipster-douchebag tshirt?

Albums I am eager to hear:

Ohbijou - Beacons

The Most Serene Republic - ...and the ever expanding universe

Bibio - Ambivalence Avenue

I've been listening to a lot of upbeat summer music lately. Drake, Passion Pit, Au Revoir Simone, and some Bjork to put myself in vacation mood. Suggestions welcome.

Currently reading:

Fifth Business - Robertson Davies

Next Up:

TBA. Suggestions?

I just finished 'Omnivore's Dilemma' prior to my bi-monthly Canlit fix. It was interesting, definitely, but I feel you'd almost be equally educated by just going to watch FOOD Inc. It's essentially... the movie version, of that book. With some 'Fast Food Nation' thrown in. Also, I feel guilty about everything I eat now. Thanks, Michael Pollan.

War and Peace and Werewolves

2009-07-15T16:09:00.002-04:00

Is it better, hypothetically, to always go for what you want despite knowing things probably won't bother working out? I mean, to grab for a cupcake, for example, knowing full well you're about to go on a roller coaster and won't return to said bakery in the forseeable future? Is that a sensical analogy?

Do you grab the cupcake, roller coaster eating be damned? Or do you simply move on, knowing it was probably for the best that you do not inconvenience yourself? Where do you draw the line between reasonable selfishness and selfish indignation?

Alright. It's a babe off.

2009-07-14T04:37:00.004-04:00

Chi-Chi...

I watched two horrible movies this week. Each featured a hot asian (mostly) girl who made the stupidity bearable, if not even somewhat enjoyable. If that makes me a sadist (or a pervert), so be it. What's really sad however is that both these girls were playing cartoon characters. I'm not sure exactly what that says about me, but I'm sure there's some sort of deep rooted symbolism there. It's probably not that deeply rooted, actually.

...or Chun-Li...

I must say that this is a tougher call than it looked on paper. I mean, Kristen Kreuk is so pretty. But Jamie Chung I would say has the nicer body. Less lithe and classical, but curvy Asian girls always get bonus points from me. KK is Canadian though, which is also a plus. But Jamie Chung is Korean, which I also approve of. Tough call.

I can't decide. I'll just bask in the presence of both, while at once thanking them for playing Japanese cartoon characters in horrendous hollywood films, and ignoring the fact they just set Asian actresses back at least five years.

For every step forward, two steps back. Somewhere, Maggie Cheung is cursing these two.

While I'm objectifying women, shout out to Grace Park. Hope you make it back to hottie relevance soon.

Causality

2009-07-13T17:06:00.003-04:00

You know those relationships where a guy constantly hits on a girl only to be shot down every time, but it's almost a running joke, whereby even though we know the guy wants her, they remain friends and it's cute and funny how he doesn't stop his advances?

This is common in movies and television shows, and sometimes comic books I suppose.

I can't say I actually know any relationships like this. I have had conversations with chicks where they complain about guys not being able to maintain friendships post-hook-up or even if there are attractions involved. This is definitely an anomaly. By-and-large I find awkwardness to be a phenomena afflicting females more than males. Thus the male tendency to take the much simpler route, and end contact with said female all together.

You see, I would say that 98 per cent of the girls I know would be unable to deal with a friend who constantly made their desires known, even in the face of futile odds. And not in a stalkerish way, but just enough that they were aware that if offered a booty call, they would have no hesitation accepting.

It would creep them out, and they wouldn't want to hang out with them anymore.

Then again, perhaps this is more telling of the company I keep. I have no clue whether this is normal in the global population, as I think its fair to say I keep fairly conservative friends.

Assessing the Toronto off-season

2009-07-13T15:15:00.003-04:00

The Raptors have transformed their team in a matter of weeks, with hardcore fans joyfully shuffling last year's 33-win stinker deep into the dark recesses of their memories.

We signed the biggest name UFA on the market. Drafted an athletic wing oozing with upside. Cleared up some cap space for a bench. Signed a rough back up big who hoovers boards with an attitude. Made an offer to a combo guard who can penetrate to play some back up at the 1 while spending time at the 2 in a small-lineup pinch, insurance should Roko Ukic not develop as planned.

In the big picture however, what are our expectations, and in reality, what has changed?

First off, the playoffs. Will the Raptors be a top 8 team in the East next year? Probably.

Are we a second round team? Probably not.

The question is whether fans are willing to accept this.

Let's look at it this way.

Teams that absolutely will beat us in a series: Cleveland, Orlando, Boston

Teams that are roughly on par with us: Washington, Chicago, Atlanta, Detroit

Teams that will suck next year: Charlotte, Indiana, Miami, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, New Jersey, New York

Basically, we will finish no worse than 8th, and no better than 4th. This I am willing to wager on. What that also means however, is that unless we finish 4th or 5th, we are destined to be bounced in the first round. The 6-7-8 seeds are a one-way ticket to the golf course for our team of soft-serve-shooters.

Will we be content with that result? From the perspective of a one-season improvement, perhaps. Personally however, I find this rather disconcerting, since all our players essentially are in the prime right now, meaning... unless DeMar DeRozan becomes a superstar, or MLSE is willing to trade for a superstar and go over the tax...

This is the best this team is ever going to get. Perhaps with one season playing together and experience they might climb a few wins higher and cement that 4 spot. That's a big if.

But honestly, nobody can argue the ceiling for our team is higher than that of the top three seeds in the conference. It's not even close. Our young players simply haven't shown the type of potential to explode into superstardom that defines a team on the rise.

We are a team on the minor slant upwards. And it's almost done slanting.

If DD or Bargnani become all-stars, I will eat my words.

Otherwise, expect another one and done, and another one, and another one for the forseeable future. Unless Chris Bosh leaves because he realizes the same thing. In which case, after this year we'll be back to square one. Personally, I'd almost prefer a mini-rebuild to raise the potential ceiling. But hey, that's just me.

Eight boy bands you have probably forgotten

2009-07-10T04:06:00.005-04:00

Disclaimer -- for those of you who are banned from viewing YouTube videos at work, this will be a disappointing post unless you come back on your own time. Slackers.

Remember high school? It was good times. "Home work", part-time jobs, melodrama and skipping classes. But do you remember the soundtrack to all that?

In hindsight, trawling through popular music during that five year era is a veritable pantheon of pablum. Or more bluntly, it was a barren wasteland of musical talent. Think about what high school kids listen to today: Beyonce? Jay-z? Kanye? Panic at the Disco? Fall Out Boy?

These are actual BANDS! Artists! Compared to that, some of the crap being peddled to us in high school was downright absurd. I'm not bitter though, because at the very least it helps our generation identify with a completely unique era in pop-culture history. Morbid as it may be.

Sure, we all remember it as a time when boy bands (and to a lesser extent, girl bands and a seven member co-ed band) ruled the world. And yes, the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync are still to this day remembered somewhat fondly and with nostalgic relevance.

But what about all those other boy bands? I figured it'd be fun to take a stroll down memory lane. You probably have forgotten all these songs. Until now. I apologize, but... really. This stuff was popular once? It's a post that really just writes itself. Enjoy.

2gether

Technically, I think these guys were a a television show and not an actual band. Also, they were created to make fun of boy bands. Ironically, in their irony, they were one of my favourite boy bands.

3deep

Even 2gether had 2 hit songs. 3deep, despite being numerically superior, had only one. That's how bad they were. Even when it comes to bad music, Canada had an inferiority complex. Mostly, I remember wanting to start a band called 4shallow, just to show them up. That is all.

B44

Not only is the song incredibly perverted, but the three dudes look like child molesters in training, suffering from scurvy. Also, doesn't it seem implicitly racist to portray a black child playing with toys from a garbage can on the street? Either he's poor, or hallucinating from tainted meth. Perverts AND bigots. Yikes.

5ive

I only included them because they completed my pattern and also happened to be a one hit wonder. I only regret there wasn't a band with the number one in its name. I couldn't find the real video, which I recall takes place in a bowling alley

O-town

Created from the 'Making of the Band' tv show, their most popular song was one originally made famous by Westlife... another boy band. But Westlife was British, so apparently they don't count, and it's OK to pooch their act. BSB purists note: this is essentially the 'Get Down' video, except with less colour.

LFO

Stands for Lyte-Funky-Ones. References include Abercrombie, Footloose and... Family Ties?? There's no way they wrote this song. They can't possibly know who Alex Keaton is. It's actually pretty meta that they sing about that time back when New Kids on the Block was popular. One day, I am sure, no one will ever write a song about when LFO was popular.

The Moffats

I actually saw them live once. They were doing a gig at Playdium while I happened to be there. To be fair to them, at least these kids played instruments and wrote songs. They were just really bad. One of the brothers ended up in a band with one of my university friends' friend doing some sort of prog-rock thing in Boston. No, really.

Dudez A-Plenti

To anyone who thinks Andy Sanberg is original, I present exhibit A: Conan was pulling that shit way before that Natalie Portman stealing asshole wrote Lazy Sunday. To be honest though, Lazer Cats is some sort of epic bad assness. Props where deserved.

Dudez a-Plenti

I dedicate this post in loving memory of the YTV Hitlist.

Best of Craigslist: May 2009

2009-07-08T22:36:00.003-04:00

Wanted: Taxidermist who watches a lot of Kung Fu

I am looking to hire someone with the means to obtain and stuff animals in fashions I choose, which will be Kung Fu for now. When I was younger I convinced a friend of mines dad to create two squirrels Kung Fu fighting. I still think about it from time to time and have decided to get my own Kung Fu animals, I understand this is a bizarre request. Serious inquiries only, please E-Mail me the species of animals you commonly hunt or can obtain and your rate for taxidermy of each in various Kung Fu poses. Mounting preferred. Once again I feel I must state this is serious. If you can show any of your previous work it will probably give you an edge on the competition. Please respond via/e-mail. Thank you.

Daughter getting morning after pill at RiteAid - m4w

Looking for the daughter half that was in Rite Aid with her mother (I assume) getting the morning after pill today in Finksburg. You had an amazing body and I would love to be the next reason you have to get another dose of said pill! Hit me up if you're looking for another go round.

hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair

you're young, hot, and homeless. you look to be about 20-25. you have brownish red shaggy hair and a nice beard. i could tell you were homeless because you were eating chips off the ground and you had urine soaked filthy pants on. i've always had a thing for the "starving artist" types and your homeless ruggedness is hot. i have seen you sleeping in one of the bus stops near public square. if you ever steal a laptop or break into a library or someone's home to use their computer, i hope you read this. ~Brittany R.

$30/hour: Personal Introduction Assistant / "wingwoman"

We have an opening for a part-time personal introduction assistant, aka a "wingwoman."

You must be classy and dress well.

Beyond that you must be able to do 4 things: 1) start conversations with beautiful women; 2) after that, remain totally silent, unless spoken directly to, but smile and look friendly while the man you are "winging" orchestrates the social situation; 3) socialize and block any man or woman attempting to interfere with the man you are winging and any woman he is chatting with; and 4) end any conversation you are having instantly at the direction of the man you are winging. These requirements are essential, not for everyone, and difficult to do well.

Now, this is a job (that's why you get paid), but it's very fun, and you may even make new friends, or even meet someone special, if it doesn't interfere with your primary employment purpose.

This job is not for you if you are uptight, frumpy, grumpy, shy, a man-hater, a debbie downer, a critic, a control freak, a pouter, a therapist, researching, writing an article, with the press, a prostitute, an escort, a relationship counselor, or a feminist with a bone to pick. Gack.

You must be 18, usually 21 for the events we attend. All work is in public at cocktail parties, charity benefits, museum openings, and the like. You will be added to any list in advance, and any fees for the event will be paid. You are responsible for transportion. Subways are $2. Although many events have free food and drink, this isn't dating, so don't ask to be bought anything. If you do ask, by mistake, don't be grumpy and bring the mood down when the answer is a polite no, or you will be paid for the time you have spent and politely sent packing.

This job is definitely for you if you are easygoing, classy, dress extremely well, and enjoy many, varied, and sometimes challenging social situations.

Our roster of full-time wingwomen is full, but we do have a part-time opening. Yes we are serious. Yes we are real. You might even have the time of your life.

Fan mail, hate mail, and non-responsive replies will not receive answers, so save us both the time and don't bother.

Please respond with a photo and contact information to the craigslist email in this ad. Thank you for your time.

Compensation: $30/hour

This is a part-time job.

This is a contract job.

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job!

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom. - m4w

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at conco. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said "O GOD!" and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a moment. I hurried and wiped. Pulled up my pants and opend the door. And you were gone. now the door to my heart is unlocked.

girlfriend forcing sale

Girlfriend said she is tired of my mustang parts and I need to make a craigslist ad...so here is it

for sale

1 nagging dream smashing man hater

make an offer or look in the free section if she keeps it up and gets kicked to the curb

Things I don't understand: Sport Sandals

2009-07-08T17:11:00.004-04:00

Ok, I'm probably going catch a lot of grief here since almost everybody I know seems to love these things.

I don't understand the appeal.

The practicality is obvious -- when you're hiking, or doing sports. But as a day-to-day article of footwear, these don't strike me as a particularly well suited piece of equipment for the urban jungle.

One might argue that they combine the best features of a shoe and a flip-flop. I suppose that is a glass half full perspective.

Rather, I find they combine the worst features of a shoe and a flip-flop. They cannot be slid on and off due to necessary bindings/straps, yet despite that added effort, they do not provide the sort of protection from dirt and grime that a shoe covers you from.

Actually, to be honest I'm a bit biased, as I don't understand why you would even want your feet exposed to the world anyways. They get all dirty, you're unprotected, and you lose the all important ability to chase down criminals should a spontaneous act of courage be called upon. Sport sandals are a poor replacement for running shoes when hurdling cars, leaping from roofs and climbing chain link fences.

My question remains however, why would anyone choose to wear sandals over flip-flops of they were so inclined to tan their toes?

Don't even get started me on socks and sandals.

Fringe 2009: Love and Human Extinction

2009-07-07T17:00:00.007-04:00

It’s easy to laugh at tragedy. Not due to callousness, of course, but because humour is one of the few ways humans can rationalize absurdity. Without Jon Stewart, for example, following politics would be entirely soul crushing.

Perhaps it’s unsurprising then that when watching local writer/poet Shaista Justin’s latest one-act tragicomedy for the Toronto Fringe Festival, you end up giggling more than grimacing, witnessing an awkward drama set at the brink of the world.

Aptly titled ‘Love and Human Extinction’, Justin’s tale picks up the story several years into the end times. Only three human beings remain following a mysterious and global culling of life, including all animals sea and sky. The trio, played with conviction by Jennifer Neales, Matthew Manhire and Damien Gulde, spend most of the play coping internally and as a group with their shared dystopian fates.

Neales plays the fragile Roberta, the lone woman on earth and, as such, the most popular person on the planet. Vying for her affection are Andy and Elliott, played by Manhire and Gulde respectively. Different as night and day, Andy clings to his belief that God has a reason for everything, while Elliott roots through what’s left of the world he knew, piecing together the past and gathering clues to figure out what happened.

Although the details of the extinction are mentioned vaguely during soliloquies and expository conversations, none of the characters actually know what happened and, more importantly, why it didn’t happen to them.

Indeed, despite the context of an entire world in ruin, Justin and director Saniya Ansari delve into three internal struggles to comment on the dysfunction of society, portraying the final people alive as too self-absorbed to even cohabit the same room.

"People are tired of being talked at -- they want interesting conundrums to think about," explains Justin in a release. "In my play, the worst has already happened, the debate about what could happen is over … I wanted to write about the actual consequences of our negligent behaviour towards the earth and each other.”

There’s no football-in-groin humour here, but witty dialogue and the surrealism of the entire premise provide ample comedic opportunities, both ironic and intentional.

Part ‘Lord of the Flies’ mixed with a pinch of ‘Reality Bites’, the tiny ensemble cast entertain and enlighten in a tidy 40 minutes, waxing philosophical with enough gusto that you don’t notice the modest set nor care that Andy’s shotgun is a yellow super soaker.

‘Love and Human Extinction’ is fun and definitely worth checking out amongst a bumper crop of acts in this year’s Fringe. The play will have a six show run through to Saturday, July 11. All shows will appear at the Royal St. George Theatre (120 Howland St., Bathurst & Bloor). Tickets ($10) can be found at www.fringetoronto.com or purchased at the door.

For more information go to www.loveandhumanextinction.com

Welcome back white folks

2009-07-03T06:32:00.004-04:00

You know how technology kind of creeps up on us, but becomes entrenched so quickly in our lives that we don't even remember what life was like before the internet or cell phones?

A similar phenomena is currently taking place in bars all over and having thoroughly listened to the Passion Pit album this week, I've decided it's time to extoll the return of white people to the dance floor.

Welcome. We've missed you.

You see, for the longest time, White people completely owned the floor. Waltzing, foxtrots, flappers, the charleston, the twist. Remember when Footloose came out? Disco? The hustle?

White people used to dance. In dance clubs. It was cool, and it was the cool thing to do.

But then... then came hip hop. Because hip-hop proved to be such a culturally embedded art form, white people never really were able to appropriate hiphop to the same complete extent that they consumed jazz, or rock and roll.

To this day, despite Eminem's best efforts and rabid consumption of hip-hop by white suburbanites, ownership of the music is still inexorably linked to black culture, and as such ownership of all dancing and dance-like movements (i.e. breaking, popping, locking, and various degrees of getting jiggy, leaning and nodding very, very slowly). The stigma of white hiphop has not been overcome, and as a result, white people are uncomfortable dancing freely, although they most certainly will try their best to emulate the actions of black people dancing -- mostly out of respect for the form.

But when you see white people dancing to Beyonce at a club, let's be honest -- that's not how white people dance. If you've ever seen the Chapelle show skit with John Mayer and ?uestlove, you'd know that in their natural habitat, surrounded by fellow white people with approved white music playing, this is white dancing taking its natural course:

Within the last two years however, slowly but surely, there has been a relatively new genre seeping into bars and clubs -- white dance music. And not European white, commonly referred to here as "Gino beats", or "Techno". No, I am referring to homegrown, North American music, made for dancing.

The sample above features a Santogold song, which is not prototypical of the genre I speak, but still somewhat relevant as according to the white-hipster rulebook (section 143.2d) she is an approved artist under the white-dancing protocol of 2003.

You see, what started with a few dance infused indie rock bands (the Rapture, !!!) and extended into djs (Daft Punk, Girltalk) has naturally evolved into a whole new genre that, although seemingly ubiquitous to us today, is actually quite new -- indietronicpop.

To be honest, the genre is so popular yet actually still so new that nobody has coined an all encompassing term yet, like how "Emo" came to eventually represent all melodic power pop punk and metal.

Helping to pave the way on the pop side of the equation was Dntel and Ben Gibbard, who together put out the Postal Service, a forbearer album that led hipsters to add synths and midi to all the folk songs they had been recording in Garageband.

Sometime in 2005, after Kanye West was awarded honorary hipster status, white indie artists became comfortable enough with certain minority artists (but not all. The list was essentially Kanye, MIA, The Roots, NERD and TV on the Radio, who don't rap, but were black and played indie rock. This strange juxtaposition helped join this bridge from the non-white side of the equation, as did Lupe Fiasco and Pharell, who liked to pretend they could skateboard -- a decidedly white hobby until about 3 years ago) to appropriate not the actual essence of black music, but at least some of the tools used to create it -- tools which could be borrowed and reutilized to form their own, more comfortably familiar beats.

Thus 808's and record sampling began to be common place in the vintage clothing crowd.

The movement began gaining momentum.

Now, we have clearly reached a tipping point. With bands such as LCDSS, Cut Copy, Justice, Hercules & Love Affair and Passion Pit, white people have finally found their way home.

Walk into any hipster hangout on a weekend now and the days of shoegazing, toe tapping and headnodding while leaning against a wall are long gone. No, today you will hear falsetto's blaring, synths, heaving bass and people dancing drunkenly and uncontrollably -- the natural state of a white person dancing (it's been downhill since Fred Astaire), emancipated from the coolness associated with dancing to hiphop, and the monopoly hiphop had on rhythm until just this decade.

Here, in three short videos, is an abbreviated evolution of hipster dance music.

Things I am currently enjoying

2009-07-02T16:38:00.002-04:00

The weather
Passion Pit
Peaches
Fringe Festival
NBA Free Agency speculation
Lists
The Jays
PC Brand Coffee
Dota
Frugality

Getting more Northern and North Eastern

2009-06-22T04:25:00.010-04:00

Alright, so I was out of commission for the kickoff jam, spending my time sitting face first in front of a toilet instead of being up close and personal with surprise headliners Broken Social Scene and Feist. Plus, I also was too weak to go to any of the film, or conference events. Double bogey.

But after I managed to crawl out of my sickbed, NXNE was still a pretty awesome time. I was limited to only my venue since it was an extended call event (the bar served until 4am all weekend; both an awesome and terrible thing). Despite that, some really amazing, talented (and super friendly) musicians did make their way through The Painted Lady.

Highlights:

Midwest Dilemma

From Omaha, Nebraska, lead singer Justin Lamoureux channels a lot of his good friend Conor Oberst in his voice, right down to letting out quivering emotional screams. There's a lot of soul in the music, which is a mix of lilting orchestral ballads and foot stomping acoustic romps. It doesn't stray particularly far (aptly) from that familiar midwestern indie sound, but if you're into stuff like Bright Eyes, Tilly and the Wall, Sufjan Stevens or Jenny Lewis' solo ventures, you'd probably enjoy Midwest Dilemma.

What really came out live was how ridiculously talented they were. It's not every night you rock out a bar with a clarinet solo, but these guys had the folks (literally) dancing on the bar, clapping, singing along and the set ended with chants for an encore. Sadly, we had to say no due to the tight festival schedule, but I certainly wouldn't have minded more from these super friendly folks. On top of being warm, talented and endearing, the band said they were driving from the bar directly to a park north of the city (this was at 2am) to go camping for the weekend afterwards. In the words of Maggie the clarinetist, "It's cheaper and I've never been camping before! I'm stoked!"

You can't argue with any of that.

Michou

From Windsor, these guys were actually a replacement band after we found out one of our acts had cancelled and we scrambled to find someone to take her spot. Michou had just played a set at the Rivoli, and drove directly over and played the Painted Lady last minute. Definitely a different sound (our venue was mainly singer-songwriter type stuff the rest of the night) but some melodic power pop and folksy rock was a welcome change of pace, and the crowd appreciated the energy and volume from the five piece. Kind of a mix of Wintersleep, City and Colour, Cuff the Duke with some Death Cab thrown in (the lead singer even has a Ben Gibbard-ish voice thing going for him). Lots of great harmonies, clapping and xylophone. Great stuff, and they ride in a Starcraft van. Classy dudes.

The Painted Lady

The best part of the weekend though was probably the venue itself. I'd heard about the Lady from various magazines and newspapers, but this was my first time there. I must say, I fully intend to be back, and often. There are really only four staff who run the bar, and they live the kind of life you hear about or see on tv but don't imagine real folks live. The owners were born in South Africa, have lived in New Orleans, opened their bar here in Toronto (they live above it) and did all the decorating themselves. I was incredibly impressed by how cosy and intimate it was. They definitely spent there they needed to and not where they didn't, and as a result the place looks and feels very New York. It's got personality shining through everywhere.

On top of that, the staff are some of the nicest folks you'll meet this side of Kansas. They're hip, accommodating, hard working and easy going. All of them make the place one of the most popular bars on the Ossington strip with the place still filled to capacity with music blasting as I sat sipping my pint at 5am Sunday morning.

On top of that, it's pretty much directly across the street from Pizza Libretto. They're constantly adding live acts, hoping to get up to 3-4 music gigs a week. I told them I'd be back, and I hope to soon. Definitely a go-to place to hang and a great find -- the new bar, and new friends.

This is what we call irony

2009-06-18T04:20:00.002-04:00

Watch Food Inc.

Eat a steak.

Get food poisoning.

I felt pretty queasy while eating the strip actually, it was incredibly raw. I mean, I asked for rare but it was definitely blue.

And now, the toilet paper count is at 5 rolls. Vomit count at 8. Can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I feel uncomfortable would be a gross understatement.

I've redefined liquid poop, I think.

#iranelection

2009-06-16T14:46:00.002-04:00

Twitter has arrived.

The VT incident was a glimpse, but right now in Iran, students and tech savvy reformists alike are using Twitter as the tool of choice for instant and first-person communique coming out of Tehran and the tumultuous protests going on right now.

I can't think of another situation where one was able, in real time, to access the thoughts, sights and messages of so many people concerning one event.

Can you imagine if this was possible during 9/11? People would be tweeting their location in buildings. Rescue services would be checking it for information. Pictures would instantly have been sent to the outside world.

This marks a pretty powerful point for social media, with the U.S. State Dept. even admitting it pressed Twitter to hold off on a scheduled maintenance to allow Iranians to continue using the site as a point of reference on source of information.

Ingenuity has allowed many Iranians to continue using the site through proxy servers, getting around the general bans the government has levied against cell phones, text messages, email, facebook, blogs and even twitter itself.

Yes, 90% of the comments I receive in twitter are asinine. But when something like this happens, the potential of not just the internet, by social networking is plain to see.

If McLuhan's global village was a tribalized network of communities that redefined individualism, social media has perhaps ushered in a evolved state of the village -- one that modifies what we deem individual but more importantly, what we consider to be our tribe.

I am fascinated by what's going on in Tehran. The political repercussions of the reformist backlash cannot be understated -- the potential for change is most definitely in the air.

But perversely, I am even more fascinated by what's going on on Twitter.

As important as the tool has become, I truly believe at the end of this, the true winner will be the mainstream media. It may not look like it now, because compared to Tweets, the 6pm news is painfully outdated and slow to react to breaking events. But the vetting process of true journalism cannot be undervalued.

It's great to get breaking news from the mob. But the wall of noise eventually gives way to deeper questions -- who can you trust? what information is accurate?

Unlike a lot of others, who believe social networking is "the new journalism," I think that's simply not true. Journalism will always be sharing of stories in an accurate, timely fashion.

Twitter is but another tool. But perhaps one of the biggest we've seen in a generation.

Things I don't understand: Poetry

2009-06-15T03:21:00.002-04:00

O yonge fresshe folkes, he or she,
In which that love up groweth with your age,
Repeyreth hoom from worldly vanitee,
And of your herte up-casteth the visage
To thilke god that after his image
Yow made, and thinketh al nis but a fayre
This world, that passeth sone as floures fayre.

And loveth him, the which that right for love
Upon a cros, our soules for to beye,
First starf, and roos, and sit in hevene a-bove;
For he nil falsen no wight, dar I seye,
That wol his herte al hoolly on him leye.
And sin he best to love is, and most meke,
What nedeth feyned loves for to seke?

The Love Unfeigned
Geoffrey Chaucer

You know how people often say they could fill a book with the things they don't know? Well, I'm going to try and do exactly just that. Start blogging about things that I don't understand.

To start things off, I've selected poetry. I know cool people like it. Jewel likes it. Billy Corgan writes them. They're supposed to be deep, and beautiful.

To me, they are mostly gibberish. Why is poetry popular? What differentiates good poetry from bad poetry? How do you make money as a poet? What is a poets creative process like? Is a creative process even productive for poems?

All questions I frankly could care less about, but would probably listen to answers to if the person telling me was hot.

Lessons in netiquette

2009-06-10T01:51:00.004-04:00

When you're having a conversation (and I use that term incredibly loosely) on Facebook, at what point does one just stop replying? In my mind, wall-posts are essentially online versions of small talk. Which is why the internet is great. You can stop the small talk without saying anything, and not have to deal with awkward silences or making an excuse to go talk to somebody else.

But the other side of the coin is when you're talking to actual friends, and frankly, I don't particularly like replying to any messages at all. I barely post on other people's walls, and if I do I almost never expect a reply. So to have to then REPLY TO THAT REPLY is just way more effort than I normally would like to invest in Facebook.

Moreover, how much is too much use of these programs? Is there a hard cap on how many Tweets per hour one should submit before it simply becomes asinine? How often you should post on people's Facebook walls? How many photos in an album you should have witty comments for? (Clearly you can't comment on all of them, or that's just sad).

I'm not sure, but I think I just might be virtually-socially awkward. I just don't know the common protocol for these newfangled internet things.

Then again, it could be argued I'm just socially awkward. Period.

But then I'd say you're wrong.

And.... yea. That's it.

It was only a matter of time...

2009-06-08T23:57:00.002-04:00

The funniest thing about this is that I actually had a conversation with a friend who suggested I make a men's makeup tutorial video. Sadly, I was beaten to the punch. At least I was right in thinking there isn't much to say about the topic though. Concealer and lip balm. Check.

In completely unrelated but completely awesome news, most people (and by most, I mean 4 of the 5 people who will read this) know I have a celebrity crush on Reese Witherspoon. If Natalie Portman were to ever reject me, I would totally settle for Reese. I'd be a great stepfather, I know it.

Anyways, as if she wasn't cute, stylish and endearing enough, she is currently practicing with the UCLA Women's softball team to train for a movie role where she is a softball player.

I repeat, REESE WITHERSPOON PLAYING SOFTBALL.

Be still my beating heart.

This post is banned in China

2009-06-04T16:42:00.006-04:00

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I stood slack jawed, standing in the hallway of the Richard Ivey School of Business having just left my first ever university english class.

CNN was on several TV's overhanging the dimly lit linoleum hall. Hushed voices and wide eyes mingled reacting to the stuttering commentary coming from the television as dozens of us stared in awe at the unbelievable sight of an airplane smashing into an iconic New York landmark -- then horror as that landmark came crumbling down to the earth. It was hundreds of miles away, but we could feel the dust flying at us through the screen. The fear at least, was most certainly palpable.

Before 9/11 however, there was 6/4.

As much as one act of terror defined a generation (and many to come), on June 4, 1989 an act of courage inspired the world.

More iconic than the tallest building in the world, selected as symbols of capitalism, one Chinese student stopping a battalion of tanks by himself idealized notions of freedom, democracy, humanity and self-determination to a world in the grips of political conflict.

Blood was shed that day. On a pivotal moment that to this day defines the Chinese government and to a certain extent, it's people, freedom lost the battle in Tiananmen -- but it won the war.

Five months later, the Berlin wall would come crashing down. Two years later, the Soviet Union would be no more.

We speak often of tipping points, and in this age of over-saturated, over-analyzed, over-blown media coverage, hyperbole is part and parcel of information dissemination.

I was seven years old on June 4, 1989. At the time, the events were lost on me, the symbolism and gravitas of the situation blissfully irrelevant compared to the opportunity to stay up late into the night to watch TV, even if I didn't know what we were watching.

Little did I realize the world I woke up to the next day would never be the same. Even 20 years later.

I love China. Most would probably not suspect this, but I am proud of my heritage, proud of our tradition, proud of my family's roots and lineage. It is for this reason that we privileged enough to live here in Canada shouldn't ever, ever forget 6/4, and what it means as a moment in humanity shared not just by our home country, but inspirational to people all over the world.

Most importantly however, is that there is still much work to be done. Those who would purposely choose to ignore history seem to be ignorant of the fact that they are setting themselves up to repeat it.

Hopefully next time, the pendulum will swing the other way, and yet another date will go down in the annals of humanity not for tragedy, but for victory.

Pondering parenthood.

2009-06-01T19:22:00.005-04:00

Perusing the new Globe&Mail today (side note: love the site, hate the long loading times. Lots of potential but the back-end clearly has some loose ends to tie up), and stumbled upon this story out of the Vancouver desk about Marriage stability and children. Here's a quote:

Today's parents seem prepared to set aside all kinds of pleasures to nurture a child – from their sex lives to careers, not to mention happy-hour beers – but there's one thing even the most kinder-friendly couple is loath to give up: their marriage.

And when one child rocks the marital boat, a growing number of couples are sticking with just one to keep their union strong.

That doesn't make them wimps, though. In fact, research suggests that children are more taxing on marriages than they used to be.

Essentially the article discusses how many modern couples are stopping at one child because having children is so stressful, and after struggling in their marriage to raise one, many don't want to go through it all over again and again. It actually goes so far as to posit that happiness is inversely proportional to how many kids you have, citing a 2005 study that determined mothers with one child were happier than those with multiple children.

There's nothing wrong with this story. It's well written, and although it's based on some entirely anecdotal quotes backed by "evidence" of studies that are as dependable as a GM stock option, these are more symptomatic of a leaky premise than they are of shoddy writing.

I guess upon reading this, more than anything one has to reflect on the cultural context from which this story was made possible. Clearly, nobody would have written this article in 1940, even if they had the concrete backing of a Danish sociology professor circa 2005.

Attitudes surrounding the entire concept of marriage and family, and the many interrelationships that compose those two entities, seem infinitely more complex these days than they once did. And for the most part, those complications stem from a forward march to break down what were once the most concrete of human connections; your spouse and kids were once inescapable, really, but we have moved into an era were if something doesn't quite work for you, it's completely possible to move on.

I am not casting judgement. I simply find these paradigm shifts fascinating. The implications of familial relationships, if you think about it, really has a hand in almost all the cultural and social evolutions of the last 10-15 years, both in the liberal movement and the aggressive partisanship rift that ensued.

How have social values changed? What is important to us now, asides (and likely after) ourselves? How much of every decision we make every day is painted by these broad cultural engravings and, looking back, how did today's seemingly quaint ideological cliches dictate the ebb and flow of generations past?

When it boils down to it, I guess after reading that article, I really was left wondering only one thing:

Why are these parents having kids in the first place?

I have a feeling if they can answer that question honestly, then deciding whether or not to have another one shouldn't be a very difficult question at all.

*****

In other news; awesomeness.

Halcyon days

2009-05-29T14:24:00.002-04:00

Slept for a good seven hours last night, then for some reason went back to sleep shortly after waking up just to tack on an extra five. Obviously, because the only thing better than seven hours sleep is 12 hours of sleep.

Now that things are looking much more chipper, I'm going to spend my dad fiddling with a brine and roasting a chicken for dinner. I've been playing with different ideas but I think for my first attempt at brining I'm going to keep it simple and see what the bird tastes like with a basic salt/sugar/water bath. Figure I can base all future decisions (including whether I like brine roasted chicken at all) off of today's experience.

Anybody have any tips? One hour until I submerge supper.

2009-05-28T16:50:00.003-04:00

Some people get grumpy when they're hungry.

I get grumpy when I'm sleepy. Which, in theory, should be all the time.

But I define sleepy as the point most people whould likely call "exhausted". For some reason, when I sleep 4-5 hours straight I'm totally awake, but if I get disturbed and fall back to sleep at afterwards I am inevitably incredibly tired the next day. I assume it has to do with sleep patterns or circadian rhythms or some such thing, but I'm too lazy to even google it.

Taking the midnight train to anywhere

2009-05-26T00:54:00.004-04:00

The hardest part in life is figuring out what you want.

Trying to get it is basically all life is -- but you gotta have a destination before you can have a journey.

Also, in segued television goodness:

- the Glee pilot was... essentially the 4-minute trailer, stretched into an hour. You knew what was coming, how, even what songs were going to be in the show. But it was still absurdly amusing. Hopefully they flesh out some of the characters more when it returns this fall. It could be a cult hit.

- Breaking Bad is slated for its second season finale this coming Sunday. I must say, unequivocally, this is the best show on television right now. And it's not even close. The first season was equal parts amusing and morally agile, but this second season has simply been perfect television. The show is beautiful in HD, the acting is award-worthy and the writing even moreso. This show should be watched by everyone, and Sunday's final episode can't come soon enough.

The Toronto Star is desperate.

2009-05-14T12:50:00.002-04:00

As circulation numbers dwindle and advertising revenue plummets, our city's biggest daily is having to find new ways to stir up interest in itself.

From what I've seen of the website over the past month, apparently, that strategy is simple:

Print bullshit.

I used to like The Star. It was a Liberal rag, but at least it carried insightful and personal news that was relevant to the Torontonian. These days, the layoffs are showing.

From a cursory skim, almost half of the stories I read on The Star are based on a single source. This is leading to some tremendously biased and incredibly non-balanced pieces. This is basic journalism. One voice doesn't make a story.

What's even more frustrating is that they are using this half-assed approach with controversial issues seemingly on purpose; Tamil protests, sensationalizing Ruby Dhalla's situation, anything involving religion.

At the same time, they are barely covering world news or doing stories anymore that actually dig deep into the body of Toronto and teach us more about the city we live in.

They did an entire story and video where they left wallets lying around the city, then video surveyed the contraband to see if people returned them, took money, and generally were honest.

REALLY? That's what you're spending your money doing? Seeing if 20 people are willing to return a lost wallet?

I feel bad for the Star. In my opinion, their downfall came when they stopped printing Sunday comics. Hopefully, when the economy rebounds, so will this newspaper. But for now, it's little more than a joke.

When your sports section is the most serious part of a publication, you know there's some serious soul searching to do.

I respectfully disagree

2009-05-13T17:32:00.003-04:00

This is actually a pretty tight matchup. They have a very different aesthetic, but I am inclined to say that Fringe girl is definitely more of the All-American girl. If that floats your boat, I suppose you might find her more attractive. But I like Maggie's edge. Which I understand is personal, and certainly not an objective trait.

But also, Fringe girl to me is the definition of "real world attractive."

If I saw her at a Starbucks, I'd linger, but not be particularly surprised or blown away.

For some reason, I feel like if I saw Maggie Gyllenhaal, I would immediately get that celebrity aura vibe from her. She's uniquely attractive.

Also, Cammie is always wrong. Thus, if Dave agrees with her, he is also wrong.

Ergo, I win.

Graduating from Asian Avenue

2009-05-13T03:04:00.006-04:00

Can you imagine actually hanging out at a physical place called Asian Avenue? I shudder to think.

I've had a few conversations recently about social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter et al. It definitely seems that within the last two months, Twitter has absolutely exploded.

My question might be whether someone's internet promiscuity is actually proportional to that individual's real-life social activity?

Is a social networking butterfly (somebody with, say over 800 friends on Facebook) by definition also a social butterfly in real life? I suppose the more pertinent question however might rather be whether exceptions are possible.

What is the correlation between real personality and one's online presence?

Technological inclination surely has a role, but how is that connected to one's self-awareness and desire to blog, tweet or otherwise make your life more transparent to those around you (or at least, appear more transparent)? Can a personality profile be created for your online persona, and are there concrete connections to reality?

In my most rudimentary of observations, I think that people who embrace social networking openly are, generally, not necessarily more extroverted, but by-and-large more willing to make new connections.

In other words, someone who tweets constantly would probably be easier to become actual friends with than someone who doesn't have a Facebook account because they are think it's cool to be ironic.

Of course, this is even more convoluted because I think there are also plenty of cases where people are extremely promiscuous online because they are socially awkward in real life. So how does one account for that faction? Hmm...

It's all very curious. Academic studies haven't seemed to really start analyzing this relationship yet and how one affects the other, but I can honestly see the future of our communications being completely integrated into social media as "the new medium" of choice... if it isn't already, that is.

It's only a matter of time.

Literature and romance. But no Zombies.

2009-05-12T00:24:00.006-04:00

This is the part of the movie where I laughed out loud in the theatre, and Irene slapped me.

There's this part in the movie Stranger Than Fiction where Dustan Hoffman is explaining the classical romance of literature, where the main protagonists usually start off hating each other before they slowly (or via an epiphany) fall in love.

I suppose in theory this makes sense. I mean, hate and love are, when distilled, just two variations (symptoms?) of intense passion. So perhaps it's rational that somebody you have strong enough feelings for to drive you insane, naturally might also be someone that has the ability to... well, drive you insane. In a good way.

This is an interesting theory. I don't currently subscribe to any such sort of axiom in real life, but for the most part because I haven't ever seen it happen, or even heard of it happening, in reality.

It's common in books, movies, television and theatre, but where did this idea come from anyways? How did the romantic ideal come to be that two individuals who hate each other might eventually (and fatefully) be meant to be together?

It just seems so practically implausible. Is that the whole point? Is the artistic idea of romance simply achieving what we perceive to be impossible?

Seriously, does anyone have an example they might be able to cite of this occurring in real life? I am very, very curious as to the frequency of this strange, rare (yet somehow cliched) happenstance.

Moreover, I've never hated anybody before. I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of hating someone, unless they were say, some sort of monstrous criminal who refused to apologize for his/her crimes.

But I am equally sure I wouldn't fall in love with them.

Technology in schools

2009-05-08T15:04:00.004-04:00

Was listening to CBC Radio this weekend and they were having a show discussing the relative merits of technology in the classroom.

One side posits that an over saturation of "new media" has occurred, with phones, music players, games, computers, email and social networking, so ubiquitous that learning has become nearly impossible to focus on. Notice I used little quotes around new media, since technically social networking is not a new media, but... it just might be the next evolution. As Mark Cuban succinctly put it in his infamous tweet; "the medium is no longer the message. the network is."

The other argument of course, is that all this technology is a boon to education. It is easier to learn with computers, and programs, and podcasts and ways to connect, interact, visualize, conceptualize and analyze. All the reasons we love technology in the first place. It makes life easer, and makes what might otherwise have been impossible, very simple.

The callers were of varying usefulness, particularly one girl who said she was 25 years old, and that when she was in high school she "barely had any computers," and "used overhead projectors mostly." Also, she claimed technology was making kids today dumber, according to her completely scientific opinion. Nevermind the fact that I am 26, and distinctly recall programming in a huge computer lab in high school that also included a Mac lab. Oh, and we had a graphing/CAD lab too, which naturally used computers. Slide rules can be so cumbersome, you see. But I digress.

One question that was not discussed however is the only one I have been mulling over still on and off for a few days. Undoubtedly, today's younger generation are tech savvy. But are they technologically literate? These might be defined as different things.

Sure, kids can put up myspace or blogger websites, but whatever happened to Free Hosting? With no GeoCities or Tripod like service, very few kids are forced to look at a blank page and learn to code in HTML, CSS or Flash in order to get their creation on the net. All the steps have been simplified to one-click, and thus they never have to learn the fundamental building blocks.

Isn't this the equivalent of reading to a child his whole life, but never actually teaching that child to read? Can someone be conversationally intelligent but illiterate? I don't see why not, and to a limited extent I almost feel like that's what's happening with a lot of students these days.

They understand the end product, but are sheltered from the process.

If anything, I think that's the real issue with technology in the classroom -- it's too dated. You can't be teaching stuff like "this is a mouse" to kids. There needs to be some sort of plan to actually advance them knowledge that won't be irrelevant within a year's time. Education not only needs to embrace technology, it needs to essentially become it's main driver if both are to achieve something continually useful for students of all ages.

Now I feel like I should register for some continuing education classes or something.

To drive or not to drive

2009-05-07T13:43:00.002-04:00

With everybody scampering around trying to book flights to Calgary, I find myself seriously considering the prospect of driving there. In my car.

I realize it would irreversibly devalue my baby. And I'd probably have to sleep in the car to save money.

But you know what? I feel like it'd be one of those neat, eye-opening trips that cause me to love Canada more afterwards. Like that movie with Joshua Jackson, except, probably less well lit.

Am I crazy? Is sleeping in my car at a prairie rest stop a recipe for beheading?

Discerning tastes

2009-05-05T03:35:00.008-04:00

There's a great line by Chuck Klosterman when talking about pornography, where he wonders why it is attractive to see a girl get shot all over the face with sea-monkeys. He equates it to slapping her in the face with a fry pan.

Clearly, he is of the minority, since almost every pornographic film scene ends with the same money shot. Heck, even Kobe Bryant testified in his rape case that he enjoys it. "It's my thing," he told Colorado police officers when discussing details of his unfortunate affair. Right. And I patented the question mark.

I suppose pornography isn't a topic I discuss often, but I'm really intrigued by Steven Soderbergh's new movie "The Girlfriend Experience", which stars (in)famous porn starlet Sasha Grey.

For starters, it's a real life jump for a porn actor to legitimate acting. And, yes, I realize it's a stretch (no pun intended! eww....) to say a porn star is acting when her role is "call girl", but whatever. If Keanu Reeves is an actor, then we should at the very least acquiesce for Miss Grey as well. This is uncommon, and Soderbergh is a big time director. I'm sold.

Second, a quote from a recent Guardian article about the movie really got me thinking:

"With Sasha, you can within seconds see her do anything you can imagine with her clothes off," Soderbergh acknowledges. "What you can't see is what it's like to be her boyfriend, to hang out with her and be emotionally intimate with her. So my whole theory is that's the fantasy for those who've been double-clicking – that they want to spend 77 minutes being her boyfriend."

I find myself these days not particularly interested in pornography. Sure, send in the gay jokes, but through the years, I've found that whenever I see a porn scene or a television show about porn stars, I am more curious about the sociological commentary and semiotic relevance of the whole construct.

These women are an enigma, no? In this month's Rolling Stone, there is a feature on Sasha Grey. She is an intelligent girl, and argues that her actions are an empowering form of feminism. She points out that if equality, rights and freedom is manifested in the right to make choices, then shouldn't all choices be respected regardless of society's hollow moral pillars? Isn't telling her not to be a porn star actually an act of misogyny?

But really? Does Sodenbergh believe that internet porn surfers fantasize about emotionally connecting with Sasha Grey? That they want to argue about what movie to rent, where to eat dinner and whether it's time to move on to the next level?

Do consumers of porn consider actors to be real people?

I'm not sure. Frankly, I don't even fully believe as a whole, society extends that much empathy to normal celebrities. They are spectacles for our amusement and consumption, not vessels for our emotional plight.

So is porn really empowering then? If most of the people watching you being disrespected and degraded are willing to gloss over that fact to see you get hit in the face with a fry pan, does that really give a woman a sense of autonomy and self-respect?

I don't have answers. But I think the porn industry is one of those facets and products of our sexual behavior that has a lot to say about our society. We just never really think about it any deeper than the superficial.

Which is only fitting, I suppose, if not somewhat ironic in how absolutely non-ironic it is.

Of note: this movie isn't even about porn. But it deals with many of the same issues, in a more thought provoking way; which are all those issues we almost never want to deal with.

Here's the trailer.

Crotchless

2009-04-29T16:07:00.005-04:00

*Warning, parentheses ahead

I have holes in my pants.

As someone who unabashedly enjoys shopping (in a completely masculine way), this usually means another excuse to go buy myself a couple new pairs of jeans.

In these trying economic times however (I like using that phrase, it's an excuse for pretty much everything. Kicked your neighbour's dog? Sorry, it's these trying economic times) I decided to minimize any costs spent on clothes and such.

See, whenever I have jeans, I tend to only wear them in rotations of one or two. And I basically only own those two pairs of pants at any given time. So sometimes, I wear one pair of pants for a month or two, then the other pair for a month, then mix it up and so forth. But really, how many permutations of two are there?

This is not a rhetorical question, sadly. I assume it's two, but I'm not completely confidant. Anyways, I know it's not a lot.

Instead, I managed to find this iron-on denim material (similar to iron-on tshirt adhesive, but it's made of denim, if that makes sense) and ironed it to the inside of my jeans. Now I'm just trying to see how many times I can type 'iron' in one paragraph. I know this is important information because next time you see me, and my crotchel area seems a little off, it's just me breaking in these patches. I swear.

As an additional wardrobe bonus, I bought another pair of sneakers yesterday. Vintage Nike waffle runners for just $30. I think I'm now up to 26 pairs of shoes. I have a sickness. Please help me.

Wow

2009-04-26T02:29:00.003-04:00

He's just not that into you is a regrettable movie.

Is it unfortunate that it makes fun of female cliches then ends the movie by reenforcing them?

I like that in general, the males are accurately portrayed. But I find it hard to believe women are nearly as dumb as the movie makes them out to be. Who literally paces a room waiting for a dude to call her? Do sane human beings actually do this? Least yet 30 year old professionals?

Either the movie is borderline degrading and just set another generation up for unexpected teen pregnancy, or my parents did an amazing job in raising me to respect chicks.

Or both.

Another day another dollar

2009-04-24T08:16:00.002-04:00

What a gorgeous day.

McDonalds is giving away free coffee all week long. But really, who goes to McDonalds in the morning and doesn't order breakfast? I mean, that'd just be crazy. I will order some hot cakes.

Middle Aged Teen Wolves

2009-04-23T17:38:00.003-04:00

If that doesn't scare people on the court, I don't know what will.

Toaster Origins

2009-04-22T04:43:00.004-04:00

I just watched the two-hour Caprica movie, a pilot/new spin-off series from the makers of Battlestar Galactica.

Not wanting to spoil anything, I will simply say that although it is much more drama than sci-fi, it certainly retains the pathos of BSG, down to the grittiness (sometimes a forced grittiness. I mean, it's filmed in Vancouver.) as well as heaps of spiritual and moral ambiguity. Also, there are some robots and science and yadda yadda, but these shows have never really been about that.

Suffice to say, it was entertaining, particularly because it really does delve deeply into the BSG backstory, and provides revealing and intriguing complexities to fans about the show's mythology. I know that somewhere the makers said it wasn't directly tied to BSG, and I suppose technically it isn't; but I am almost certain that the mere shared idiosyncrasies that go into making it an authentic prequel will attract many, many BSG fans. I'll probably end up watching it for mainly those reasons -- it's fairly interesting.

On an unrelated note, at one point in the movie, a question is asked in the middle of a conversation and the reply is preceded with a long-winded contextual story. I know this is a common narrative tool, but I am trying to figure out when (if?) any human being ever actually talks like this in real life.

For example, if somebody asked you "If you could have any super power, which would you choose?" I'd imagine the majority surveyed would pause, think, then simply say "[insert power] because [insert rationale]". This is how normal people think right?

But not in entertainment land.

In a script, that same question is answered like this:

Person 1: "What super power would you have?"

Person 2: "You know, once when I was eight years old, my parents used to have this old shotgun that they kept at the top of their closet -- you know, for protection and such. They must have figured that I couldn't reach that high, or didn't know about it, or hell, they might have even forgot they had it.

I was climbing up their bookshelf one day when they were outside gardening, and I saw the barrel just peeking out from across the room. I pushed a chair over and managed to get it down from the rack... it was the first time I ever held a gun. I could barely hold the thing straight... somehow, I managed to sneak it outside, and I started to just pretend shoot things, like I was the coolest kid in the world you know? Just pointing it at birds and... thinking bang. bang. bang. Cars flying by on the road. Eventually I couldn't help myself. The curiosity was killing me. I aimed straight at this bird perched on one of the fence posts near our house, it couldn't have been more than 10 feet away. And I pulled the trigger -- I remember it being so hard to pull.

That bird just exploded. It went up in a ball of feathers, and the blast kicked back and almost took my shoulder off. I remember my parents running around the corner of the house, their eyes so wide open screaming what was going on... I could see them, and their mouths were moving, but my ears were just ringing from the blast. It was so loud, I didn't even know where I was for a little bit... and I remember looking at the pile of feathers... in shock... I mean, I didn't know it was loaded. I mean, I might have. But I guess I didn't really think about what was going to happen. All I could think was... that I killed that bird. That something so gentle, that was just flying around minutes ago... and I turned it into nothing but a pile of blood and feathers. I did that. I took it off this earth forever.

Ever since then, I've wanted the ability to turn back time. Just... for the chance to make up for our sins. I know it's not logical, or rational but... that's just what I've always wanted.

Yea, I've never answered a question like that.

But think about it. In entertainment world, this type of answer occurs all the time. And for some reason, in Caprica, I noticed it very distinctly. And if you can't tell, it kind of annoyed me.

Man, that was a lot of writing to make a simple point. IRONY!

Perez Hilton thinks Miss California is... uncool

2009-04-21T06:04:00.004-04:00

It's disappointing that in something as innocuous as a beauty pageant, an issue like this had to come up.

In this interview, Hilton states that the contestant isn't a politician, and as such shouldn't have answered according to her political beliefs. This confuses me. Did the dude ask a question (in competition) fully expecting her to lie, even if she didn't agree? In front of the nation? On television?

It's his own fault for asking a loaded question, and to be honest I kind of feel sorry for this chick. I mean, she's clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer (although she might be the hottest. damn.)

But if you listen to her answer, she actually does agrees. She implies that GLB's should have the right to marry (since she thinks they have that choice already, apparently). She simply doesn't believe that those unions fit her personal definition of marriage.

If you believe in equal rights regardless, what's wrong with having an opinion on a topic that is still so openly debated and controversial in today's society?

This topic is not analogous to racism in my book. It's not even close. It's a rights issue, not a hate issue. And although those two are often intertwined, they can also be examined impartially if you take a step back.

It's unfortunate that not everyone agrees.

Really, my entire thought process on the issue can be summed up pretty tidily I suppose:

Leave the hot girl alone, angry gay man.

NBA thoughts

2009-04-16T00:29:00.007-04:00

Raptors first

I'll admit, I'm curious what a team with Marion could do for a full season. He impressed me in this stretch run, and at the right price I'd not be disagreeable to his return.
Bargnani might one day be a superstar. His potential is tantalizing, but he's still a huge defensive liability. The team, on average, is outscored by 6.4 points when he's on the floor. Hopefully he does develop more acute defensive instincts somehow this summer. Oh, and some more body definition. Professional athletes should never, ever look less in shape than the average dude at the gym.
Bosh, in my mind, is still overrated. He's really really good. But to put him in the same class as Chris Paul and Dwight Howard (and Al Jefferson. What, do injuries discount a half season of work to Raptors TV staff?) is a little disingenuous, no? I mean, Bosh is good. But he's not special. He's penultimate tier talent in the NBA, which is nothing to sneeze at. But it's not the top.
This team could be in the playoffs as early as next year if they get a real bench. Like, even just three guys to play the 1-3 spots for 15 minutes a night serviceably. That's really all it'll take. Simple. Honestly, did you watch Cleveland vs Philly tonight? The Cavs played with only bench guys and still almost won. Remember how Sasha Pavlovic used to START for that team? The dude barely plays now, he's like 10 on the depth chart. That is a team with depth. Instead, we started guys named Patrick O'Bryant, Jake Voshkul, Will Solomon, and Joey Graham this year. Ouch.
With that in mind, I'm more excited for this off-season than I was about the entire second half of the year.

Playoff Predictions

Cleveland over Orlando in the Eastern finals.

LA over Dallas in the Western finals.

LA over Cleveland in the Finals.

Upsets

Miami over Atlanta (EC round 1)

NO over Denver (WC round 1)

Dallas over San Antonio (WC round 2)

Asides from that, I see the upper seeds wining all their matchups the rest of the way. I can barely contain myself. This is by far my favourite time of year for sports.

Cnet must have run out of news. I'm still amused though.

2009-04-15T19:15:00.002-04:00

The 4:44am news update.

2009-04-15T04:46:00.000-04:00

Stratford Festival puts 30 performances 'on hold'. That kind of sucks. Does anybody want to go? I'm sad they cancelled West Side Story though, that's the one I'd most like to see. Yea, I said it -- I like West Side Story. What? What?
Obama unveils presidential pooch. For some reason, at first I didn't feel this was newsworthy. Apparently, the BBC, the Guardian, The CBC, The Star, The Globe and the Times all did. Clearly I missed something.
'Twitter revolution' Moldovan activist goes into hiding after using tweets and text messages to organize a 20,000 strong government protest that eventually over ran the Moldovan Parliament building.
Taliban execute eloping young lovers in Afghanistan. Well this is just depressing. Terrorists might bomb our buildings, and behead our journalists. But capping folks for being in love, well, you gotta be one coldheartedmuthfuckaifyaknowhwatimsayin.
Education Standards Likely to See Toughening. You know, this might be the first Obama policy I fundamentally disagree with. Essentially he's just throwing more money at the problem, but personally I'm not a big proponent of standardized testing. It just doesn't seem to provide any inherent learning skills, if that makes any sense. Then again, I don't remember anything I learned in university, so maybe it's just me.
Pirates attack second US vessel. Does nobody else find it kind of awesome that pirates are suddenly relevant news items again? Sure, they've upgraded from cannons and swords to RPG's and AK's, and instead of "Blue Beard", dudes is probably named !Xobli and all. But still. Also, why has nobody thought of sending in ninjas to free these ships and crews yet? It's so natural. Like, if I was fighting Cowboy Pirates, I'd send in a elite team of Native Indians. Easy. You just have to know your opponents weakness, y'know?
Home births 'as safe as hospital'. This one's interesting. Apparently a huge study in the UK reveals low-risk mothers are essentially just as safe giving birth at home with a trained mid-wife as at a hospital. The reason it's kind of neat to me is because I didn't even realize being a midwife was still a proper and viable career choice. I mean, I noticed it when browsing McMaster's undergraduate programs, but I had to webcrawler (pre-google-era!) it just to figure out what the hell a midwife was. For some reason, it doesn't seem like a very happy job. I'd imagine it's a lot of yelling, crying and I guess some baby delivering. But, really, if you're the husband, do you ever want to sleep in that bed again after seeing child birth? I wouldn't. Ew.

Not functioning.

2009-04-14T18:07:00.002-04:00

You know how if you have a laptop, and you leave it for a while, it falls into "Sleep mode" or "Energy Saver" mode or whatever? Then you have to jiggle the mouse, or press a key, and it'll take a few minutes for everything to blink back onto the screen?

I currently feel like I am stuck in a perpetual sleep mode. Unable to wake up, but unwilling to fully shut it down.

I blame Ivan. After telling him two sleeping pills and a double of bourbon put me out like a light, he said it was ok to take three really. And I suppose, in this regard, he was correct. I am alive.

But last night, in an attempt to fall asleep quickly at an already late hour, I popped three Life Brand sleeping pills, and when my alarm clock went off 8 hours later I was groggier than a date rape victim. Not that I would know.

Anyways, I had extreme difficulty getting out of bed, and even more of a difficult time getting the work done that I needed to for a client. And now that's it's 6pm, it's too late to nap since there's basketball later anyways.

Suffice to say, I think I'm going to stay away from taking multiple sleeping pills at a time from now on. When the box suggests one per day, I am now inclined to believe it.

The long weekend post

2009-04-10T15:17:00.002-04:00

Running on fumes. In the midst of another attempt at sleep cycle normalization. Didn't sleep last night, and am about to take my quick nap, which will have to tide me over until hopefully whatever time normal folks sleep.

Last night was predictably amusing as I went to a random house party my friend threw. My conclusion is that I officially am way too old for house parties.

Today, took my parents for dim sum at Yang's up in Tha Rill (That's Richmond Hill, by the way. I just invented that phrase, and I will be demanding credit when inevitably you begin to use it). I just had to see what everybody is fawning over with this place.

Overall, was quite pleased. It's straight up modern HK, and the most distinguishing feature of the food I would say is that everything just reeks of FRESH. Freshly made to order, using fresh ingredients. Not mind blowing, but considering 8 dishes came to only $40 (tax and tip included), no complaints from me.

They had some special dim sum options as well, such as "Jumbo Shrimp with Grade A Foie Gras" for $8. I assume they mean Grade A pâté? There's no way it'd be that cheap otherwise. Something about duck paste and shrimp didn't sound appetizing to me, but I give them kudos for having unique choices...

All in all, we were impressed. Definitely going into the regular dim sum rotation from now on.

Perhaps my only caveat? The place is tiny. We went at almost 2pm and it was still pretty busy. I'd hate to imagine the joint between 11:30am and 1pm on a weekend. My head hurts just thinking about it.

White Castle or bust

2009-04-09T03:53:00.004-04:00

You know how often, actors who take certain roles become pigeonholed for the rest of their careers? Say, for example, Shannon Elizabeth, or Chris Klein?

At first, it seemed that the main characters from Harold & Kumar were destined for the slapstick comedy hall-of-fame. More teen movies. More silly dick jokes. And good grief, they were both minorities! Surely these roles were not going to lead to real acting careers.

Except... somehow, for some reason, White Castle managed to launch (or in one case, re-launch) three careers into pretty much unheard of trajectories since Jon Stewart went from Half-Baked to Fake News Cultural Icon.

Let's run things down.

Neil Patrick Harris began the comeback with White Castle, and turned it into a successful and regular gig on one of TV's most popular sitcoms. He also was part of a cult-hit Josh Whedon smash musical, and has gone from obscure, retro-pop-culture reference to one of the few celebrities who are famous essentially for being themselves.

John Cho is probably the least famous, and asides from small movies did mainly guest-spot tv work since the last Harold and Kumar gig. However, this summer he managed to snag an almost assuredly recurring role in the most popular franchise reboot in movie history. Star Trek is going to be a monster. Mark my words. He's going to be rolling in cash from this one role alone (he's Sulu). Pretty good for a dude who didn't even really want a hamburger in the first place.

Finally, Mr. Kal Penn. Yea, he did some TV. And of course, he landed a regular gig on House. But the dude just left the show (with a bang!) to accept a position in the Obama Administration. His official title is Associate Director in the White House Office of Public Liaison. I almost feel like this is on par with making the leap from Porn Star to legitimate actor. Has that ever truly been done? And I mean hardcore porn, not that Red Shoe David Duchovny softie stuff.

It's just strange how these things work out. Did anybody see this coming after watching White Castle? I mean, the tagline on the movie poster is "FROM THE DIRECTOR OF DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?"

Crazy.

Gentle reminders

2009-04-08T17:21:00.002-04:00

Today is my mom's birthday.

I have a curious relationship with my parents. On the one hand, people are shocked at how I treat them. Which is, essentially, as equals.

What this means is that I will often make fun of them, mock them, or talk to them like I would talk to any other friend. If my dad says something dumb, I will rain down my sarcastic barbs on him just like I would anybody reading this blog (this happens a lot when watching the news). This behavior apparently is shocking to some.

This friendly relationship discounts however, any sort of "deeper" conversation, unless I'm really in need of advice about taxes or how to invest my money, or if we have any relatives who can find me a job in Asia.

Outside of these few circumstances, our day-to-day interactions mainly revolve around whether I will be home for a meal, whether they will be home for a meal, whether I am dating a certain girl, or if there's anything good on sale at Best Buy. In that order.

Today being another birthday, I am forced to yet again face the depressing mortality of my parents. They're getting up there, and it's not nice to think about, but I can't avoid the scenario in my mind I'm living in a basement by myself, instead of with parents above me. It's kind of frightening.

I guess it's moreso the fact that my parents are clearly beginning to act their age. They eat more canned soup because they're lazy. They drink instant coffee. They take long naps. Complain about crowds. Are blatantly racist.

Actually, now that I type it out, I suppose they haven't changed much. But I guess it's one of those subtle things you'd have to live with to notice.

Anyways, thinking about all this depressing stuff has spurred me to hit the job search hard again. I feel like before they shuffle off this mortal coil, they should see me... you know. Not living in the basement.

Covering your ass

2009-04-06T18:59:00.006-04:00

When I got my latest issue of ESPN the Magazine in the mail last week, the first thing I noticed was that half of it was blank. It was folded over, with an adhesive material keeping a tab closed that said, on white background "you wouldn't settle for an incomplete cover".

Upon unfolding the tab, it was revealed to be a Powerade advertisement, which continued into the inside cover and first page, for a new Pepsi Powerade product.

I am aware of the recent trend of advertising on magazine covers, creeping slowly into the range of ubiquity due to financial constraints in these economic times. Closer to home, the latest issue of Macleans even pulled an Esquire, and features a large peel-back tab in the very centre of the cover.

Wittingly or unwittingly, the Macleans cover also seems to imply that by revealing the flap, more of the cover story (an article about teenage behaviour) will be revealed. Instead? The reader is treated to an ad for the Audi Q7. Tricky tricky.

A recent article on adage.com about the ESPN cover did manage to get quotes from the Mag: "In retrospect, we may have pushed the envelope in this case," [the ESPN spokeswoman] said, "but we continue to innovate and experiment, both editorially and in our advertising, to deliver one of the most compelling magazines on the market."

I am not willing, off hand, to simply throw stones at these publications. I understand the industry is being rocked. I know this because for the life of me, I cannot get a new job, and many, many colleagues have lost theirs. It hits close to home, and if these ads are the only thing keeping people employed, it becomes a matter that's not so black and white.

Yet still.

The cover of a magazine is the heart of a publication. It's what connects readers to a familiar brand. It conveys the spirit of a staff. It has historically been sacred ground.

I'm not averse to the idea of advertising on covers. But in both cases above, a shoddy job was done in drawing a line in the editorial sand.

If you're going to hawk wares on your face, make it apparent it is a cash grab. Do not insult readers and blur the line, insinuating that the editorial and advertising sides worked together to sell this product.

In other words, if ESPN wants to let Pepsi sell drinks on their cover, fine. But please, ESPN. Don't you try and sell me Powerade too. That editorial distinction is why readers buy your magazine. Because we trust what you're writing, we believe what you have to say and that your opinions are important, relevant, and most importantly, written with journalistic integrity.

Blurring that line might save a few jobs today. But in the long run, the reputation of your publication is worth more than a few zeros on a cheque. Sometimes, losing a limb is better than eventually losing your soul.

This is one case where some long, hard decisions are going to have to be made. I do not envy those who are in position to make these calls.

Let's nerd it up

2009-04-04T02:45:00.004-04:00

(I think I had this exact poster. In scroll form...)

When I was in high school, I watched a fair bit of anime. I even went to the comic convention once and bought wall-scrolls, which I then adorned the walls of my bedroom with.

I never said it was a proud time.

Kitschy decor aside, I have recently kind of rediscovered a bunch of the old anime that I used to enjoy, and been pleasantly surprised to find that some of them are not only still relevant and entertaining, but are in the process of being completely redone and remastered. It's good to know that classics never really die.

Now, I realize I am not an anime connoisseur. To be honest, I haven't even seen that much, but of what I have enjoyed in my brief experiences, here are my top five favourite anime:

5) Macross

Space fighting, lasers, robots that transformed into airplanes. What more could you ask for? A classic.

4) Voices of a Distant Star

Admittedly, this 25-minute movie is kind of emo. It's about high-school kids in love, separated by time and space due to an intergalactic alien battle. The animation is even kind of simple. But take into account it was made entirely by one dude, on a G4 Mac computer, and everything becomes much more impressive. The story is also told in a very unique way, making use of text messaging to convey time, and a great theme song makes this a particularly unique, emotional and entertaining piece of work.

3) Dragonball Z

Another classic. Yea, it eventually ran kind of long, and there are episodes where nothing happened except angry staring contests. But those lulls where easy to overlook. When this was good, it was really, really good. It's an iconic franchise, even here in the western world. Debatably, it's the most popular serialized anime of all time. It was also blatantly racist, arguing that we'd all be more powerful if we could unlock our latent Aryan powers. Hmmm....

2) Princess Mononoke

Probably the most riveting cartoon movie I've ever seen. Well, it's up there, right up alongside the Lion King, at least. Also, it was environmentally friendly before being environmentally friendly was cool, yo.

1) Neon Genesis Evangelion

I just re-watched this series from beginning to end. I distinctly recall being a huge fan when I was younger, but being thoroughly and utterly confused by the existentialist ending at the time. Actually, I wasn't just confused. I was disappointed. I wanted giant robots fighting. And that was absolutely not what happens at the end.

I won't ruin it, but suffice to say that on my recent reacquaintance with the series, I had a much more nuanced and reflective experience. I was more aware of the philosophical queries and moral quagmires posed by the creators. I was challenged by the complex and patently dysfunctional characters as human beings, and not just pilots of giant fighting robots.

Basically, I really, really enjoyed watching this. Much moreso than even when I was younger, and I feel there was a deeper appreciation for it this go around.

The plot is confusing, convoluted and complex. There is no arguing this. But in terms of character development and arc, cinematography and artistic endeavor, Neon Genesis is right up there not just as anime, but one of the best pieces of television I have ever had the pleasure of watching. I'm glad I watched it again.

I know lots of people love Naruto, but I've never really gotten into that. Should I? It seems like Dragonball in that there's just too much ground to cover at this point. I also always wanted to watch Love Hina and Cowboy Bebop. Anyone watched those? Are they good?

Just as an aside, Neon Genesis is currently being redone as a movie quadrilogy, with each two-hour movie basically retelling 6 episodes of the original series. I just watched the first one (the only one out right now, the second releases this summer) and although some scenes are shot-for-shot reproductions, there is also a fair amount of tonal change that helps makes the plot much more accessible.

The drawing is redone really well, and apparently the final movie is going to completely redo the ending to appeal to a more mainstream audience. I'm excited.

ALSO, apparently DBZ is in the process of being remastered in HD as well. I wonder if I'd consider buying that. I have fond childhood memories of watching that show at my cousin's house every week, and renting each movie on laserdisc (!) as soon as it came out.

Pure nostalgia.

You're not staying for Japanther?

2009-04-02T05:55:00.011-04:00

(Los Campesinos)

Been on a bit of a concert tear lately, March was just too good to pass up with Cut Copy, CMW and the Junior Boys all bunched up. I wanted to get out to a few more as well, but never made it. It would have been nice to have gotten into the Born Ruffians, but luckily I've seen them before so it wasn't a complete loss.

Saw Los Campesinos tonight, which was a pretty amazing show despite the fact they only played for maybe 50 minutes. This is not their fault however, as they only have 50 minutes worth of music to their name right now. But I loved their energy and overall quirkiness -- they're going to go places quickly, especially after being critically lauded in so many top-whatever lists at the end of last year.

Coming up, I'm finally going to stay for Japanther! Or rather, I am seeing Meligrove again, who are once more accompanied by Japanther. Last time I saw them, we all left before Japanther came on and the ticket person by the door basically cried when we walked out.

"You're not staying for Japanther??" he said to us, looking genuinely completely crushed.

Consider this a make up, mysterious ticket selling hipster guy.

Patrick Watson will be playing Trinity St. Paul's later this Spring, but before that Metric is playing the Mod Club with Holy Fuck, April 14. I don't know if tickets are gone yet, but I. Must. See. That. Show.

After that, I think I need to take a breather. And by breather, I mean stop spending so much money.

I bought my Los Campesinos t-shirt tonight though, my little splurge.

I have a strange affection for band shirts, even though I try not to buy too many.

Consider it love in moderation.

Random albums I am currently excited about:

1) Mirah - (a)spera

2) Fever Ray - Fever Ray

3) Metric - Fantasies

4) Yeah Yeah Yeah's - It's Blitz

5) Cymbals Eat Guitars - Why There Are Mountains

It is, it seems, a pretty darn good month for fans of indie-music females both intro and extroverted. And fans of Built to Spill. Gooood times.

ahhhh

2009-04-01T04:11:00.002-04:00

I feel like I've been hit with a tranquilizer dart. Awesome.

I feel like a certain medical student

2009-04-01T02:09:00.007-04:00

In that, I find myself quite attracted to the unfortunately underage Yuna Kim after she won the World Figure Skating Championships last week. I didn't bother watching the women's since there were no Canadians in contention, but I did manage to catch the full long-program on Youtube HD, and I must say she really put on a show.

Of course, I assume she did, since I don't actually know anything about figure skating. But the NBC announcers sure seemed to say she did. And she set a world record, shattering 200 points in the new scoring system by SEVEN. (This is apparently a big deal, like running a three-minute mile for figure skaters. I have no clue either way; the judging rules all seem arbitrary to me.)

What I do know is she's 18. And she's a World Champion. And she trains with Brian Orser right here in Toronto (I assume because it's essentially Korea with lots of ice). She's also quite cute. This, all wrapped together, is an appealing total package.

Does getting older make me more open to dating girls below my half-age-plus-seven threshold? I used to be super opposed and completely unattracted to anyone more than one year younger than me. Am I starting to just care less, or am I turning into some sort of lecherous old man?

The real question however:

Do you think she's had any work done? I'm skeptical of those weak looking double eyelids...

The operation was a success

2009-03-27T01:47:00.004-04:00

You know how everybody seems to be a doctor nowadays, I felt it my obligation to repair Ryan's broken Rock Band pedal. If I must say, I think it was a resounding success.

Rock Pedal, bass drum. A pedal barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's (probably 15,000th) bionic pedal. Rock Pedal will be that bass drum. Better than he was before.

Better, stronger, faster.

I am not good at planning meals

2009-03-26T19:03:00.005-04:00

Nightcap

2009-03-26T02:03:00.010-04:00

I'm totally ripping off Truehoop's bullets here, but I think it's unique in applying that approach to news. I'm probably just bored. And nobody is really ever going to read this. But it's for my own amusement, so bear with me and this way we can all have common conversation topics the next time I see you in person.

An absolutely thought provoking article in the Times about the subjects of what define art and photojournalism, and perhaps where those two are beginning to overlap. Particularly it looks at the infamous Obama red-white-blue graphic. Also, some fascinating insight into the ongoing discourse concerning art-as-appropriation. "Copyright lawyers have been arguing over Fairey’s appropriation of a news photograph of for his “Hope” campaign poster and whether it constitutes “fair use.” But no one has disputed that it is a work of art. But what about the photograph on which the poster is based?"
UConn was caught violating NCAA recruiting rules. I know this goes on everyday. Only a few days ago, there was a great article (also in the Times) about the seedy underworld of elite-amateur basketball all the way down to middle school. Am I the only one still waiting for a Nick-Nolte-from-Blue-Chips moment to actually go down any one of these days? I can absolutely see Tim Floyd walking out and retiring after USC wins a big game because he'd rather coach street ball kids on West Long Beach.
More talk from Waterfront Toronto this week, this time about renovating Queens Quay with at $192-million boobjob. Are these guys ever going to actually do anything? What happened to that Harbourfront plan? Oh, it turned into a condo. What about the Cherry St. project? On the back burner you say. East Don Lands? What? Ok, let's pour imaginary money into Queens Quay then. I like David Miller, he's got some great ideas. But please. Follow them up with action. I'll even pay taxes for it, I swear.
Oh the French. Can you imagine if, in Toronto, laid off workers of 3M barricaded the national manger in his office for a day, holding him hostage until he signed a deal to renegotiate with said-economic casualties? It'd be front page news. On the BBC website, this story barely made a squeak on the RSS feed. I kind of respect their proletariat-perseverance I suppose. Or as some may call it, "the crazy".
The CBC is letting go of 800 employees Canada wide. The Ceebs has never been a shining example of fiscal responsibility. It's a company that loses money, but is paid for by the people, for the people. Therefore, it is owned by, the people. To see it have to start selling off properties is painful, particularly when this affects a few of my personal colleagues. Hopefully the industry is going to bounce back eventually, or I'll be writing these blogs to nowhere for a very very long time.
North Korea is apparently going ahead with plans to test a long-range missile, says the Times in breaking news. Oh KJI. You whine about sanctions, run your country on hay, your people sleep in the dark because you don't have enough power, and yet you're building weapons... why? Even if you can get a single working nuke, do you honestly think you'd have the wherewithal to actually harm anybody but yourself with it? You're being watched by the world like Michael Jackson at a daycare centre. For pure entertainment though, you can never go wrong with a good North Korea story.
The Raptors won last night, but really, there is no winning with this team. Ever. Just look at the talent on our bench. We're horrible. Even our starters are suspect at this point, when they're not out ducking alimony payments and such. For the rest of this season, I'll be rooting for the Suns, who are keeping the hope alive with a tense win over Utah last night. Grant Hill turned back the clock big time. That's the difference between the Suns and the Raptors. Their glue guy is a former NBA MVP. Ours is a former Euroleague MVP. Oh well.

And finally, something to really get excited about.