where cedar nouns and adverbs walk

this band has....blown my face off.

i find myself listening to an awful lot of cancon lately. must be all that cbc radio permeating my very soul.

anyways, life continues to roll along -- surprises are rare, but i find changes are more and more common every day. if that makes any sense? i rarely do i suppose.

we're all getting busier it seems. everyone is starting to settle into phases of life.

some of us are really digging into school, some of us into careers, and some of us still searching, or perhaps dabbling in some of both. either way, i can finally see the paths i have walked with friends for so many years begin to diverge. not that this is a bad thing, nor would i ever wish for complacency or stagnation among my friends or any of their individual journeys.

nonetheless, it's an observation that is at once exciting, yet bittersweet. i know no one is actually GOING anywhere (well, with the sole exceptions being those who are already gone) but being in the same city is not the same as being in the same lives.

moreover, being in the same lives in different capacities is sometimes the same as having to adjust to people being physically away.

i'm not being all pansy or anything, it's not like i'm sitting here crying over my keyboard. i still see people, i talk to people, i keep in touch the best i can.

but when you step back, right now you can actually see us growing up. coming in and out, relationships changing, evolving, dying and blossoming. it happens all the time, but it seems with the way this school year has started, these things are going to start happening kind of in bunches.

maybe it's because i've been kind of disconnected from large groups lately. maybe my time in relative isolation has led me to exist more on my individual relationships than i have in the past. maybe my feelings are circumstantial -- but then again, maybe i'm actually changing.

regardless, this kind of perspective on life is rare for me. so i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

enough

all of you
is more than enough for
all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me
with your love
and all i have in you, is more than enough

there's so much crap that i have my heart set on. so much pride, so much envy, so much bitterness, so much selfishness. i've sung this song a million times, and it still floors me to think that i might reach the point where i'm truly content in God. that i would be able to stand in front of Him and say with honesty that His love -- His will -- is all that i want and need.

there's so much i have my heart set on. so unwilling to let go of my own desires.

but i know He's perfecting a work in me, and what He's started he has promised to finish. and that's something i can stand on.

more than enough.

hanging on for hope

its hard sometimes to keep track of where you stand in your faith -- and sometimes, whether you're standing at all. i could correlate my current malaise with falling into routine, closing myself off to others, or perhaps even being burnt out by a few strings of exhausting days. but deep down, i know all these things aren't issues that i can't't deal with.

the bigger thing -- the more frustrating thing -- is feeling disconnected from your Creator.

just feeling so helpless when you're in such a comfortable (and productive) routine, and yet knowing your priorities are so very very misplaced. i mean, i may be doing all the right things -- ok, not all, but some -- but for all the wrong reasons.

i feel like i've been so incredibly selfish, paralyzed by my own fears that God will take me places I don't want to go, because i am so comfortable with where i am in life. scared of more responsibility. scared that i could become this man who does great things for God, and yet knowing that in becoming that man, i would have to accept greater consequences for my actions. that i must be accountable to God and my brothers and sisters, and to my immediate family, more than i even believe i am capable of.

i.....feel like i'm being forced to grow up.

to stop pretending He's not asking me to do more. to be more.

i don't want to grow up. but i realize at some point, i'm going to have to.

we're all pretty old now, but that means so little. having my friends getting married, things are put in perspective in terms of the kinds of sacrifices and lifestyle changes that are going to have to occur -- inevitably -- for me to hold myself to higher standards. sacrifices suck.

it all sucks. and i don't want to do it. i want to stamp my feet, and whine like a small child. it startles me a little how resistant and defensive i become even when i think about this train of thought, and talk to...uh...myself, about it.

but i also realize very very clearly now that if i keep on resisting, if i keep ignoring all the little whispers and chances God gives me, i'm going to end up destroying every hope and dream i've ever had.

and that's possibly the one thing scary enough to move me towards the right direction.

thermal theatre

question du jour: whatever happened to carpenter pants? did they gradually become uncool? because it seems like one day they just dissapeared. in all honesty, i don't even know what happened to the pair i had.

short term goal of the moment: use my sauna sometime in the near future. i could use a nice sweat, my room is an icebox. read into that what you will.

current long term goals: talk my parents into buying a new digital camera so i can have their old one. as hand me downs go, my dad's third tier goods are usually still nicer and newer than my own.

kick push

society

i think i'm addicted to busying myself.

doing nothing used to be my forte -- now i can't stand it.

conversely, i seem to have become a social recluse. hands up if you've hung out with me recently.

yup, no hands.

tetragrammaton

congrats off the bat to the newly engaged. i couldn't be happier for you two crazy kids!!

in other news, we got whupped in dodgeball yesterday.

apparently our division has only 4 teams, so we'll have a chance to redeem ourselves against them sooner rather than later. i've decided i'm much better at real sports than at this made up crap.

basketball-rugby? what the hell is basketball rugby??

it's too bad we don't play softball. i bet we'd crush them all at that.

this time

in hindsight, my blog seems awful prophetic.

i suddenly (and thankfully) find myself employed.

surprise!

buzz saw

i have absolutely zero expectations going into this school year.

between now and next summer, absolutely anything could happen and i wouldn't be surprised.

then again, sometimes i do manage to even surprise myself.

easier

i've decided that one day i'm going to new york for 9/11 to see in person the tribute of light before they have new buildings up.

putting aside all the political animosity and posturing, and even ignoring my own jaded sense of journalistic integrity (or lack thereof) regarding the events of 9/11, i can't help but feel somewhat.....amazed, that this tragic event will be one of the defining moments in our lifetimes. everyone remembers where they were, and what they were doing that day. everyone has a story. it's a day where we are all united by one common event, and that's something that happens so rarely in life, be it for heartbreaking or joyous reasons.

it's funny that while CNN is doing the larry king, feel good special to fallen heroes and survivors, the passionate eye is replaying that "falling man" documentary.

i sometimes wonder how objective and fair-minded canadians would be when the tragedy hits closer to home.

the reason no titles lately? no time for new music....

no time for thinking. no time for sleep.

so.....damn.....tired.....

hana
Thursday, September 07 6:00 PM VARSITY 8

pan's labyrinth
Sunday, September 10 3:00 PM VISA SCREENING ROOM (ELGIN)

everything's gone green
Sunday, September 10 9:30 PM PARAMOUNT 2

156

is.....is this seriously a little knot in my stomache?

what is this? this strange....feeling....

get it together yau.

snow brigade

been watching morgan spurlock's "30 days" show recently. i find it really interesting and endearing in an "extreme home makeover" kind of way. except this show is not only emotionally heartwarming at its best moments, but actually informative and educational as well. it's kind of like "wife swap", but with a cultural/ethical bent. everyone should check it out, especially if you liked supersize me.

i should be asleep, but i can't stop thinking about stuff. like, all sorts of stuff. things i have to do, things i never did, things i can't control, things i must control. i guess when you realize what a juggling act every day is, life can seem rather intimidating. double, triple booking my days and just trying to squeeze everything in before school starts -- its enough to drive a guy to insomnia.

this past sunday, i was actually planning to sleep through church again. sometimes i just go to bed on saturday nights and i think to myself "i'd rather sleep". so i turn off my alarm, and just plan to not wake up until noon. i tell people i slept in when they ask at times, but the truth is half the time i just...skipped...church. not exactly the kind of thing i'm proud of, but i'm not going to lie and say just because i teach sunday school, or play a guitar, that these things don't happen.

the thing is, church to me is a lot like class. i *know*i should go. and i know that if i go, i'll like it, and enjoy it, and learn from it. yet sometimes i'm just so indifferent towards something i know is good that i don't even care that it's good. how sad is that?

anyways, so for some reason my my mom left early for church sunday, and my dad walks in and says he's hitching a ride with me.

argh. my restful plans foiled.

so i wander into service 30 minutes late with my medium regular in hand, and spend most of the service playing little funny face games with the little kids in the overflow. to be honest, i don't even know what the sermon was about, but i do remember one single question being asked by pastor tim: "what is your refuge?"

even though i've retained almost nothing from sunday, that question has stuck with me. it is in my mind, because i know my refuge is not God. it's music. it's sports. it's friends. it's sleep. it's tv. it's reading. God is so far down that list it makes me shake my head, yet i can't force myself to care more. actually, often God is my *last* option. my deperation hail mary pass. my cliched and metaphorical emotional crutch.

sometimes i think it sucks being Christian. it's so much work -- so mentally and morally straining when things could just be simple. it's...tiring. and yet i know where the truth in my life has always been. and despite it all, at the end of the day i just can't deny that truth.

it's who i am. it's rewarding beyond anything i've ever known, if i would just let myself be committed to it. what else is new eh?

trying to learn to take refuge in God is my ultimate goal. it encompasses everything i know i need -- prayer, quiet time, obediance, relationship building. things i know i should be striving for but hardly ever do.

i guess admitting you have a problem is always step one.

everyone always makes a big deal abouts step one.

i'm finding in all honesty, every step only gets harder. for anyone who knows me, prolonged hard work is my kryptonite.

wish me luck.

chicken pox

oh man....what a week.

sleep has been a premium commodity, and i'm running on fumes. i wish i could have been in town to hang out with certain cool people before they went back to calgary -- my sincerest apologies for not getting a chance to say farewell. i promise we'll (me and my heterosexual life partner) will one of these days make it out to visit. PROMISE.

so despite my aforementioned bad personal scheduling, chicago was again a whirlwind of good friends catching up. most of that catching up took place while shopping and stuffing our faces full of food. that's multitasking in the best possible way.

thanks to everyone for the lodging, having us over, feeding us, letting us interrupt quality time with our stupidity, and of course for being all-around so awesome to be worth visiting to begin with.

i went down there armed with only $100 in cash, and i returned with a trunk-load of clothes, bags,and shoes.

mmm....shopping. how i have missed the feeling of sating my sad sad materialistic desires....

in other news, i've concluded that between me, steph, and des, our mutual presence actually creates a rip in the fabric of reality that lowers the collective maturity in a fifteen metre radius of us. we're like the bermuda triangle of rational thinking; the area51 of common sense; the brain of your average female human being.

some might say we're bad people (hallway-bar-face-girl, for example). i have nothing to say in our defense. but i wouldn't have it any other way. good times....good times.

hug it out bitches.

the dogs of b.a.

nothing like a heavily irish coffee and some mirah to get the productivity for the day rolling.

i like going stretches without sleep, then catching up all at once. it may not be the wisest, or most efficient means of doing things. but boy does it feel nice.

i haven't worked out, gone jogging, or played basketball in almost three weeks.

i'm getting soft.

first time

i seem to have hit a blogging speed bump. rare in these long summer days of....uh...barely existing.

the schedule has consisted of a few weeks of non-stop going out, which i have followed up nicely with two straight days of nothing but camping out in my room catching up on the new seasons of freshly downloaded television shows. as much as i've made fun of some people for watching tv instead of going out, it's nice.....in moderation.

time to hit the stretch run of the summer by soaking in as much of the gorgeous weather as i can. thankfully, most of those outdoorsy activities are easy on the wallet.

i can't believe i have school again this fall. the idea is so.....surreal. i thought that university was the best years of my life when i initially finished undergrad. and you know, they honestly were right up there as some of the best damn months i've ever had.

but i just can't say they were my best years. and i'm glad i feel that way, because it actually means i believe the best is yet to come. and i know it's cliche, and that everyone says it. but to really, honestly feel that in yourself? to trust that even despite your inner cynic, you really aren't rationalizing, or bullshiting yourself?

sometimes we slog through the crap of life hoping to catch a glimpse of a reason to go on. our reasons are so often put up on pedestals, invested into long term committments that you expect not to bear fruit for at least several years of your life. but man, i have to say -- optimism is addictive once you catch that glimpse of what lays ahead.

keeping myself running on coffee just to survive for the next month? that's probably going to cost me a tupperware container full of quarters.

to be able to do it guilt free?

priceless.



.....this is completely unrelated, but did you know that sloan from entourage grew up right here in toronto? she's a local product, baby!

be still my beating heart....

say it aint so

i find flipping through the ikea catalogue to be a welcome distraction from the doldrums of daily life. who doesn't enjoy the prospect of buying an image here or there?

it mildly annoys me that i have no option outside of walmart when it comes to buying cheap furniture. i mean, it's the opposite of clothing and cars and stuff where the status quo comes at a premium. i shop at ikea because it's the cheapest option. period.

which makes me wonder -- is the cost of assembly really twice that of the furniture itself? otherwise, why is every other furniture store in the city so....damn....expensive?

the avalanche

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

Psalm 19:8-9

i find there are times where i choose to ignore Him. where i'm ashamed, or i refuse to admit there is only one correct stand to take. times where i don't want to seem like i'm fanatical in front of my friends, or admit that despite all the hopes and dreams i share with others, i really do live only for one reason.

i don't want people to think i'm some bible thumping, hell preaching, conservative mudslinging hypocrite who does nothing but judge.

that's not me.

and in maintaining that anti-perception, i find at times i feel like i have to compromise anything that might even remotely taint me with that brush. and it's hard. because the truth is, there are times i want to stand up and scream the message from the moutains. but i remain subtle. i maintain tactful, because i feel that is the safe way to go.

but i know that's not necessarily what i should be doing. sometime i know i'm being asked to be bold.

and yet i cannot commit to it.

like so much in life, hollow words flow from hollow hearts. is faith suppose to feel like school? must the distinction between discipline and joyful obediance be ascertained? and where?

people say all christians should be in africa helping the poor. if you ask me, there is logical truth to that -- but if people think for a second we're taking the easy way out by staying here, then i say you've obviously never been a christian.

it's easy to drop everything you're responsible for and live an idealized life.

it's harder to balance the reality of your circumstances with what you're trying to do and who you want to become.

laws don't usually give my heart much joy. i'm not sure what david experienced when writing this psalm -- probably something humbling and terribly painful, yet ultimately joyful in his total dependence on the Lord.

i long to feel that again. to know and trust to that extent again. to pray, and actually believe that what i'm praying for isn't just the selfish manifestations of my own misguided desires.

killing moon

i thought i'd be more sore after so many games of softball. surprisingly, i feel pretty good. maybe i'm not as old as i keep thinking i am....

i have a strange, pulsating pain from deep inside the lower-rear part of my head. it's like my brain is trying to get out of my skull or something. my first thought is that i might simply have spent too much time in the sun this weekend -- somewhere in the area of 20 hours in two days.

maybe i have mild sunstroke resulting in a little bit of a headache. but i don't feel dehydrated, or particularly tired or anything.

and yet, there goes that jabbing pain from my brain again.

maybe something burrowed its way into my head and laid eggs.

enh. i'll do what i always do to cure my mystery ailments. sleeeeeeeeep.

glósóli

i
love
listening
to
music
really

really

loud

an evening well spent.

i was a lover

i am not as big a fan of fruit as some other people i know. still, i find the occasional fresh juicy watermelon, or plump sweet orange, refreshing in these dog days of summer.

what i've discovered is not as nice, is when you take a bunch of fruits that in theory should taste good, and blend them together randomly.

so here's a tip: if you ever come over, and my mom offers to make you a banana-strawberry-orange-cantaloupe-watermelon smoothie......respectfully decline.

a samba in the snowy rain

i like the tactile feel of a real keyboard. after having nothing but a laptop for a few years, it's a little bit odd to suddenly have keys with any significant depth to type on again. odd, but nice.

sitting on my toilet, leafing through the latest tigerdirect.ca catalogue, it dawned on me that this was a pretty nerdy thing to be doing. but then i thought -- what does that even mean anymore? certain female friends call us nerds for playing video games, but frankly i'm not entirely convinced that's what makes people nerds anymore. and even if it does, being a nerd simply doesn't carry the same sort of negative connotations it once did.

buying a new computer is almost like buying a car nowadays.

"whooo....nice. got a new computer eh?"
"yup, just picked it up yesterday"
"what's under the hood?"
"dual-core intels, SLI Nvidia cards, 2gigs of ram..."
"sweet, i bet it runs HL2 like a hot knife through butter"

sure, that might sound nerdy to girls. but as if girls understand if i were to go into the details of Audi's new DSG transmission, explaining how amazing it is that torque is available at the low-end of the band without having to compromise the quick shifts of a normal slushbox.

boy talk is boy talk.

what even makes a nerd anymore?

my vote is sitll for dungeons and dragons. but hey.....maybe one day that'll be subculturally chic like computers and gadgets are today. only negrodamus knows.

five dollers

Intellectual darkness is the result of ignorance, but spiritual darkness is the result of something that I do not intend to obey. ~O.C. (utmost)

knock 'em out

i don't understand why just because something says "prada" on it, it has to cost twice as much as something that says "esprit". especially when it's not clothing. just a piece of plastic, the same fit, make, and quality, but a different little word stenciled on the side.

stupid capitalism.

i think buying a new pair of glasses today was a microcosm of my shopping history -- i like something, but am not willing to pay for it. and so instead of buying something i really want, and would realy be happy with, i end up settling for something that's nice. not great. not perfect. just....pretty nice. but i know i have to settle, because in a year or two, these glasses are probably going to end up like all the others -- in shambles, being held together with tape on my face.

on the bright side, thank God for crazy glue.

we're here

i am addicted to the guillemots. anyone familiar with my more neurotic -- and debatably pretentious -- idiosyncratic listening habits will know that i rarely put things into constant rotation. now i must admit: i have been listening to this album (nearly) non-stop.

on an unrelated note, i think if i were a communist dictator for life, one of the first things i'd do is update the wardrobe of my regime. neutral coloured leisure suits are awesome if you're going for the mod look, but come on -- you're going to have to prove to the world you're the good kind of dictator. lets splash a little colour in there.

see, that's where i think all the communist regimes so far have gone wrong. the PR battle. currently, north korean's kind of look like lower class refugees from china circa 1953. but if the government spent a bit of money and bought everyone just ONE cool outfit and made them wear it every day, we'd think the northies were not all that bad.

just imagine turning on CNN and seeing a city full of asians in stylish and bright fob clothes. sure, their faces would still seem depressed, but could the average north american tell the difference between beijing and pyongyang then? i bet not. asian are skinny to begin with, so the malnutrition probably wouldn't even be noticed on camera. is this tactic not obvious to anyone in in north korea? just think about it! presto! guess what? with some cool clothes, north korea now seems like china! and china is kind of cool lately! thus, north korea must be a-ok too!

easy as pie.

anyways, if i ruled a country, i'd also make everyone wear a crown all the time. that way if anyone ever wanted to attempt a coup, they'd have to figure out who the REAL ruler was first, and by then, i'd have had time to get into my secret shuttle and escape to austin, texas. hopefully in time for the next taping of ACL.

sao paolo

staring outside into my backyard, i can see dozens of clouds of mosquitoes hovering ominously over my lawn. the thought of my lot being overrun by bloodsuckers gives me the chills. and thus the pros and cons of living near a ravine. i went for a jog last night and came back more itchy than sweaty. on the bright side, i now know that having the duel distraction of scratching my arms and picking a wedgie while i run makes the time pass surprisingly fast.

to me, conciously trying to appreciate all that i take for granted is kind of like falling down an escalator -- you never get to the end (also, fruit baskets are cool.....).

my family isn't what you would call "the full-house family". i don't even think we'd qualify as the typical asian canadian family. but i certainly take them for granted. however, they sometimes surprise me with reminders of how much they actually care, despite the fact that as much as i hate to admit it, i often act like the immature baby of the family because i know i can get away with it. and i hate doing that, because i don't treat anyone else that way. only my family, who will always let things slide, and who will always have my back.

and what else is family there for anyways? if not for you to depend on them, and to be dependable for.

its weird how growing up i always thought my family was devoid of affection, or emotion. nowadays though, as life gets more complicated with age, i find myself understanding the simpler and more subtle gestures of love.

and who would have thought -- but my family is teaching me what it really means to love. something i'm conciously trying to pay attention to.

its always the last place you look eh? funny how that works....

where'd you go

the funniest commercial on television right now is the gillette fusion spot where some dude catches two fireballs thrown at him and combines them into a five-blade razor. really? i didn't realize a manual razor was the result of a dragonball battle. i know it's about image, and being over dramatic is part and parcel of advertising...but really? is there a cheesier ad anywhere out there right now?

the best part is right after he shaves his face with his fireballs, a chick that looks displaced from the swedish bikini team magically appears just to stroke his face.

i must concede -- my razor doesn't do that.

strings

from the BBC:

French President Jacques Chirac said the Israeli air strikes were "completely disproportionate" and the Vatican described them as an attack on a sovereign and free nation

the french, no one cares. but you know it's bad when the catholics are telling two other religions to stop fighting. they're like "whoa jews, whoa. calm down there, lets not get all loco here".

does anyone else find that hillarious? they pioneered the holy war man, they're the OG gangstaz.

that's like duchamps looking at someone's art and being all like "dude, wtf? you call that art? lets have some standards here"

anyways, in all seriousness, watching CNN work around the clock to make a bad situation seem even scarier is making my afternoons pass so much faster. i realize i'm watching a potential war unfold the likes of which we haven't seen in decades. but still, you KNOW they're pressing for those family dinner tv neilsons.

i may be imagining things, but if you look carefully, i swear every time a new report of rocket launches into israel reaches the studio, i see wolf blitzer wet his pants a litte.

the coast is always changing

i normally don't make a habit of posting pictures of my underwear for the world to see, but this is truly a case worthy of encyclopedia brown (and trusty old sally, the brawn behind the brains). we'll call it: the case of the destroyed drawers.

this morning when i put this pair of boxers on, they were perfectly normal. i did nothing out of the ordinary in the morning and afternoon, some sitting, some standing, some walking around the house. in the evening, i went to play basketball for about 3 hours straight. i do feel compelled to note that the gym was insanely humid -- as in, we had to wipe the floor down a few times to keep the condensation (and twisted, mangled body parts) at bay. it was a long run, i didn't sit at all during those three hours.

upon returning home, i proceeded to take a well deserved shower. as i disrobed however, i noticed that my underwear had for some reason transformed from normal boxer shorts, into the textile equivalent of the black guy in a freddy kreuger movie.

how did this happen? was the friction from my muscular (and frankly, greek god-like) legs simply too much for the fabric to handle? was the humidity and sweat combined simply a recipe for material disaster?

encyclopedia closed his eyes for a minute, as he always did when pondering his most difficult cases.

"put those questions away yau. it's clear that the reason those shorts are ripped is because...."

turn to page 76 for the answer to: the case of the destroyed drawers.

trains to brazil

something i will never understand is why people would have both a xanga and a blog that they update regularly. who has so much to write that they require two websites to keep track of their life and thoughts? strange.

sake

the following things are some of my simpler pleasures.

- close and timely parking spots
- sports movies
- microwaveable tupperware
- discovering a new kickass band
- good conversations
- anything that was free
- high download speeds
- my bed

a constantly updated list. what's yours?

truck driving man

one of my hobbies is playing sports. any sport. i'll play them all, and even better yet -- i'll play them all competitively. i spend five of my seven days a week playing some sort of organized sport.

this has often caused me to make some difficult decisions concerning how i allocate my free time.

on top of playing an absurd amount of sports, i am also the type of person who spends a lot of time with friends. sure, i have some mild introvertive tendencies, but by-and-large my car is usually tooling around the city hopping from place to place meeting people.

up to this point, i've always figured that i have all my life to hang out with friends. but i'm only young once, and as such i should do all the things my body still allows me to do while it lasts. this includes playing every sport i can find.

as the summer ticks away however, i find myself increasingly feeling guilty for not spending enough time with people. for not keeping in touch with old friends, bothering to reach out to new ones, and perhaps not caring for the ones i already have quite as much as i should.

i realize i am no one's saviour. i don't claim to be that egotistical or naive, though i may feign it at times.

but i still feel that God has blessed me immeasurably. with health, with friends, with a wonderful situation in life. someone recently reminded me of the thought that we are expected to give back to God what he has given us. that it is our responsibility to take the talents and resources we are blessed with not for our own satisfaction, but for the purposes that He has set out for us.

i've been putting myself first for so long. and to what end?

reality slap in the face.

so long coming. so badly needed.

lightning blue eyes

is it possible to have had a simultaneously productive, and yet unproductive week? many awesome things, yet not some simple things that i promised myself i'd get done.

also, i should be asleep now, and yet i'm awake early on a saturday morning. painfully early.

illuminate was good times. much fun was had and i'm so blessed to have a church full of talented and open hearted young people. i learn so much more than i am willing to admit from them, and i'm starting to feel like i have a purpose for being home -- for having this burden to help them grow and mature in ways that i did, and so much more. church is exciting again, and that in itself is amazing to me.

church is encouraging. personally, i have seen better days.

i often think about whether being in a cave is a bad thing. i've heard the cliches, that God does good work in caves, that we can't always be on the mountain top.

my worry is that i'm using this rationale to dwell in the cave when God is actually calling me out of it. that perhaps i am using struggle as an excuse to not strive for more. it's the wrong kind of struggle right now -- its not the passionate struggle to find His will. it's more simply a struggle to give a damn at all.

i pray not just for discipline, but to thirst for discipline.

not just to show love in action, but to know intimately what love truly is.

such a thin line. such a huge difference.

the professors here

it is a dry time in sporting news. basketball and hockey are done, baseball games don't matter yet, and football has yet to start. no good sports on tv make for long, slow, lazy days. fortunately the free agency market for both hockey and basketball have been frantic, and major moves are being made by teams and players alike.

toronto actually has a bit of sports buzz going this year. the leafs have a solid defense for a change, the raptors are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the jays are hanging in there despite injuries. this fall will probably be exciting for all the major teams here, something we haven't experienced for some time now.

it's pouring outside right now. it looks like typhoon season has hit southern ontario.

a few years back, i remember having a discussion with people about how realistically people can only have like, 15 close friends, and any more then that and you start to replace people. something about us only being able to handle so many relationships at any given time.

i've concluded that my number is probably somewhere closer to five.

since i've moved back home to SCAC, the kids just keep growing on me. watching them grow up and learn, take on responsibility, mature and eventually teach you a thing or two back. that seriously makes the days that much more worth waking up for.

finally, i just got an email about an H&M warehouse sale this thursday and friday.

doesn't that store already sell stuff for like five bucks? this might be like the cheapest warehouse sale ever. but its in brampton. that may be a good thing however, since if it were a toronto sale, the lines would be several hours long.

i guess if i'm willing to drive there for an ikea dinner, dirt cheap clothing might be worth the trip.

maybe.

worlds apart

i find i'm purposely vague an awful lot.

especially on the blog. i wonder what people actually think when i type stuff out, and really, no one but me has any idea what i'm talking about.....

oh well, here's a picture to change the topic. click on it to see all the gory details.

strawberries

insight into my thought process when seeing a cute girl:

gut: whoa, she's a cutie. you should talk to her.
brain: what should we say?
gut: i dunno, anything. just say hi, who cares! look at her!

"uh, hello"
"hi"

gut: you have to say something else now. you can't *just* say hi you retard!
brain: i....i don't know what to say! you said just say hi! you got us into this mess!

"so...."

gut: so?! so isn't a topic! talk about something, anything!

"what's up?"
"do i....know....you?"

gut: i hate you.
brain: i'm not good under pressure alright. i can feel myself shutting down already....

"um.....i'm going to stand over there now...."
"duhhhhh......"

reason to believe

you know what's awkward? when your friends say things like "what are you getting so-and-so for their wedding?" and so-and-so is a mutual couple of friends who are getting married soon. obviously, they ask because they assume i am going. but alas, i am not invited.

yea, that's awkward.

i don't take it personally, (maybe i should?) but still. it's like lining up at a swimming meet and not being picked to be on a team. i know its for a good reason, but still.

everyone thinks i'm strong. but sometimes i do cry a little inside.

just a little.

tigers not daughters

notting hill is on tv.

i loathe this movie. but since we stayed there for a day, i am somewhat inclined to watch it and see if i can recognize any of the places we may have walked by. also, i'm curious as to this wall that they apparently climb over in the movie to get into the park. we never did find it in real life......

on a different note,

letting down people you care about only serves as a fresh slap in the face. am i guilty because i'm selfish? or guilty because i actually let people down? the fact that this is unclear to me only perpetuates my consternation that i am....deep down....a robot.

watching this retarded movie only reminds me how trite our concepts of love can be.

nervous in the light of dawn

all goes out the window

personally, i can't help but feel a little slighted when a place that doesn't have any ice takes home the cup. this makes two years in a row now that's happened.

not that there's anything wrong with it! i'm just saying....you don't see toronto collecting any deep sea diving awards.....

in other news, i have decided. putting my foot down. drawing a line in the sand.

baby steps champ. baby steps.

postcard of a painting

you could see it coming. after 36 minutes of pounding the ball inside, the first play of the fourth quarter was a flattened isolation for dwayne wade to go one-on-one with devin harris. never mind that he was shooting somewhere in the range of thirty percent from the field at that point. he drove, stopped on a dime, went straight up and camly stroked a 16 foot jumper.

nothing but net.

everyone in the building knew it. dallas knew it. hubie brown knew it, and everyone watching at home knew it. most importantly, dwayne wade knew it -- it was his time, and he wasn't going to pass the rock.

watching wade blossom in these playoffs just makes you excited to be a basketball fan. this is the stuff legends are made of. as wade continues to blaze his own trail into the annals of NBA greatness, we see glimpses of those that came before him.

slicing through the defense like earl the pearl, making it look effortless and graceful.

a shoulder fake and turn around fadeaway from the elbow that is positively jordanesque.

drawing fouls and pump faking his way through a bad shooting night like reggie at a spike lee roast.

the only thing more fun -- more amazing and humbling -- than knowing that we are witnessing the long awaited renaissance of the L, is that #3 is not alone.

#41 on the other team was less impressed by wade's clutch performance. he knew better. struggling through his own shooting woes, dirk came up big when his team needed him, draining clutch jimmy after another in the final minutes just to keep the game close.

to those who questioned his heart -- who thought he might be soft -- he replied by sinking an off balance rainbow over a double team in the corner. immediately afterwards, he ripped out his mouth guard and gave the crowd a (now patented) angry-dirk sneer, daring the haters to keep doubting him.

even better than that, as the cameras followed dirk into the locker room after another heartbreaking loss, he was clearly not dissapointed. he was pissed. he was kicking everything he saw, punting the ball into the stands, trashing a stationary bike, pushing over a table. one can only imagine what must have been going through his head -- the last minute timeout mistake by Jho, or his missed free throw towards the end of regulation -- either way, dirk was angry. dirk smash.

i loved it.

and the great thing is, it doesn't stop with these finals.

you don't think lebron is watching these games, growing even hungrier with every off-season jumper he shoots? every windsprint he runs?

that stat isn't watching, rehabbing, more anxious than ever to get back to where he was and help his team back to the cusp of the finals?

that the pistons aren't doing some serious soul searching? determined to come back with a chip on their shoulder?

and thats just the start of it. the league has more young talent right now, more guys with the tools to be legit champions, than it has had since the bird, magic, mj, zeke era.

we're not just watching the climax to an amazing spring playoffs -- we're watching the start of something special.

promiscuous

oh come on.

Apple - Nike iPod

i'm poor already you corporate bastards. you can't do this to me.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE SUCH COOL (expensive) CRAP?!

the search

you ever have the feeling where you feel like you should be doing more, but you can't seem to find the time to be everywhere you wish you could be?

it's kind of a helpless feeling. where the spirit is willing, and even the body is willing, but reality itself is kind of weak.

all we can do is try our best i guess.

at the end of the day, that's all i can claim to have done i suppose. and perhaps one day, i'll learn to accept that as good enough.

your letter

so my friends have been in a matchmaking mood the past year and a bit.

nothing involving me (they know better), but it's still amusing watching the gears turn. candidates analyzed and proposed, rejected and catagorized systematically. it's funny because i know that at least for me, the whole concept of matchmaking is fun not because i want my friends to be happy -- it's fun because it's like playing the stockmarket.

all you do is try and back a winner. you want bragging rights -- to be able to say at their wedding "well, i remember i met so-and-so and thought they'd be perfect. and i was right!" i mean, i owe cam like a hundred bucks, but if i introduce her to her husband, she's going to owe me a lifetime of favours. forget bluechips, you can only cash them out once. i'm investing in relationships.

sadly though, we should be pragmatic. who actually knows what they want? and if we don't know what we want for ourselves, what are the odds someone else knows what we want?

my proposal is if you cannot consistantly think of a good present to buy for someone, you have absolutely no jurisdiction to try and set them up with someone. that should be like the general rule of thumb for friend matchmaking.

bankrupt people should not be day-trading, so why should lousy gift givers be able to matchmake?

we needs standards people, standards!

the downfall of this however, is everyone thinks they're a good gift giver.

oh world, how cruel you can be at times, making a cosmic joke of our ignorance.....

silently leaving the room

i went to a vocal recital today. when i was told it was a recital, i was expecting it to be in like, an auditorium and stuff. nope.

i walked into a small classroom where we crammed about 40 people in. the class went up to sing one by one accompanied by nothing but a piano track piped out of a mini-stereo system. it was an absolute treat.

you could just tell they were nervous, and it made it all the more endearing to me. it takes so much courage to just go up and sing in front of a group of family and friends, especially when you've spent so much time preparing for it. karaoke is one thing, because it's spontaneous and whatever -- but with a recital there are expectations you heap on yourself. i would never have the courage to do what those students did, it was awesome.

i find a lot of times we're just scared people won't like us for who we are if we show too much of ourselves. or perhaps we don't actually like who we are, and we hide it from others.

i suppose learning to be proud of our gifts (and who we are because of them) is part of this whole growing up business.

am i officially too old to say i'm still growing up? maybe i should just say i'm growing.

fatter.

for the record, my friend knocked 'em dead. she has an absolutely gorgeous voice. up to that point, all i had heard of it was a stream of girlish chatting and the occasional giddy cat noise.

crazy kids. they certainly do make a guy proud.

mushaboom

so i guess alot can happen in a month after all.

belated congrats where congrats are due. may God continue to bless you two crazy kids as you continue your journey together!

maybe sparrow

the world is amazing. there's so much to see out there.

but for now, i only have one home. and how sweet it is to be back.

the empty threats of little lord

it's raining in europe.

this should be fun.

us ones in between

is heart a quantifiable characteristic?

and when i say heart, i don't mean hockey grit -- i'm referring to the human perspective. as in, when you describe someone as having a good heart, what does that mean exactly?

i have many great friends. i know many amazing people. but even of those i am close to, i would not say they all have good hearts in the sense that they are inherently selfless. there are people who think about themselves first, and those who put others before them.

to me, having a good heart is when you put people before you without having to make a concious effort to do so. when loving those around you is just instinctive.

why the semantical monologue you ask? i don't know. i've just been spending a lot of time this past week examining my priorities, and what matters to me in life. funerals will do that to a guy.

apropos, there was no actual conclusion reached at the end of my daydreaming and mind wandering. all i know is i want to take no one around me for granted ever.

alone jealous & stoned

how things can change in the blink of an eye.

when you realize what you have only because it's finally taken from you. how stubborn are we?

perspective is this awesome aspect of our lives that we use to cope -- to stay level headed when we're up, and to keep ourselves above water when we're down. it's perspective that we grow in when life takes turns for the tragic. it's perspective that allows us to look back and laugh.

but in the here and now, sometimes there are no words. sometimes it really might not be ok. sometimes you just have to face up to reality, and accept that things are out of your control. sometimes, all we have is hope.

and sometimes, that isn't enough.

earthquakes and sharks

some memorably sad moments in simon's laundry history:

- pullover windbreaker stained pink/orange
- the febreeze debacle; 3 lambswool sweaters fall victim to my mothers madness
- the franklin marshall zip-up; bleeding all over itself

on top of the fact i just lost thirty bucks, i really liked that silly white zip-up. it was so....white.

mental note: no more buying anything that has felt lettering stuck to it.

my parents need to stop doing my laundry without telling me. i know they mean well, but they ruin something one in every two times. whenever i come home and realize they've emptied my hamper, i get that anxious feeling -- like a prostitute waiting for an HIV test result. it's like they know i'm mooching off them by living in their basement and eating their food, so they're exacting their revenge on me by selectively destroying things that i bring home.

"oops. did that tag say COLD water? either way, you shouldn't buy clothes that have both dark AND light colours on them. it's your own fault really, smarten up"

parents. they're sneaky like that.

3000 flowers

the devils will win the cup, over the sharks in the final.

the pistons will win the larry o'brian trophy, over the mavs.

the jays are going to win the AL wildcard and play the yankees in the first round.

i am going to pee.

the song i swore to never sing

there's this scene during the princess bride where the lovely buttercup is about to commit suicide by stabbing. she's just so damn heart broken over Wesley having not come to save her -- having lost her one true love not once, but twice -- and now condemned to spend the rest of her life with that darn Prince Humperdinck. she simply can't take it.

with her dagger raised high in the air, ready to plunge deep into her own heart and end her pain forever, Wesley says to her:

"there's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. it'd be a shame to ruin yours"

don't we just love to take for granted the goods we have?

self-confidence is one thing -- lots of people are assured of themselves. but not everyone believes they are capable of making a difference. so often we think we're stuck in our little ruts, destined to live mediocre and entirely irrelevant lives that will serve only to fade away one day into the recorded annals of 'history that no one cares about'. we give up on greatness.

what a lie this is. and what a tragedy that the biggest liar of all would convince amazing people that this could possibly be true.

not to say we should spend all our time basking in the glory of a perfect set of breasts.

but you know, when things seem to be going not the way you had planned, there's always a bigger picture. there's a point, and an explanation, and as a consequence there will always be another reason to pick yourself up in the morning, even if you got TKO'd the night before.

we're just not meant to win every battle. the war's already won.

it's like Rocky 1, where even when Apollo knocks Rocky on his ass -- Rocky still wins. he wins the hearts of the crowd, the audience, his girlfriend, even Apollo.

some of you may be thinking "hey now, that's loser talk", but the fact is that's kind of how God works, y'know? he sees the bigger picture. and when we believe that us losing is somehow going to ruin God's plans, that's so narrow minded of us. it's placing these limits and doubts on how powerful He is.

who's standards are we measuring ourselves to? what do we expect of ourselves, and where did those expectations come from?

i spent a whole sunday school class talking about this, and it's still in my mind.

time to end the rambling, it's getting incoherent.....

intimate secretary

nothing like a busy weekend to get you ready for a 15 hour night of sleep. that was nice.

it's weird how productive i can be when it doesn't involve doing anything for myself. in fact, i thrive off it. i love running around helping people, it just makes me feel so....alive. i'm so willing to completely destroy myself in an effort to help everyone around me, but i always slack off and half-ass things that are to or for my own benefit.

i should learn to like....harness that dilligence towards my own life.

head for the hills

dear steve nash,

congrats on your MVP trophy. i'm sure it will look nice up on your fireplace next to....last years....MVP trophy.

you are my hero.

sincerely,

me.

p.s. your new sig shoes look swell. please release them earlier so i may purchase them.

volcano

"i know this is where i belong because even when i'm tired going in, i always come out of it energized"

i've been mulling this statement over for the last little bit. my friend uttered those words naturally, as if it was just the way things should be for everyone. crystal clear as mud i guess. nothing ever seems that cut and dry.

then again, maybe life really is that simple.

i just don't know it yet.

on marriage

so in about one months time, me and two female companions will be jetting off to europe for a month of eating and sleeping. mostly eating.

upon realizing that i would be travelling with two chicks, my parents (after i had already told them, and bought my tickets, and had several planning sessions at my house) suddenly had a panic attack about my spending all that time cooped up in close quarters with two girls.

after crying, throwing up, and taking a long cold shower, i responded to their fears in my typically calm and soothing manner. i assured them i wouldn't knock up my female friends (apparently this is a common problem to them), and that i would not return with a porno moustache and a membership card from the international youth orgy club. i then proceeded to rip my eyes out of my head in an attempt to quell the vicious tide of nausea.

i did however manage to leave open the door for me to knock up a random stranger in europe -- that circumstance did not seem to be as feasible a scenario in my parents minds.

i have yet to decide if that is insulting.

slow company

so for a weak willed individual such as myself, possibly the worst place to keep a giant bag of skittles is right on my desk, staring me in the face everytime i sit down.

on the bright side, each serving is 45% of my daily vitamin C intake.

i have officially fullfilled my daily vitamin C intake. times seven.

mmm....like drinking 7 bottles of yop.....

you should be hated here.

it may be a telling sign that i still consider weezer my favourite band.

some people know quite definitely that they are afraid of change. i can't say i quite fall into that category. conversely, i wouldn't say i'm the kind of person who looks forward to change. of course everything in life is situational, but by-and-large i would say i am completely and utterly indifferent towards change.

my apathy has served me well in the past, as my lazy nature may be construed as loyalty in some cases, while in other cases it has allowed me to adapt to new situations with relative ease and comfort.

i cannot help but notice however that something my ambivalence does not take into account is the fact that change is inevitable. i've finally been realizing a lot lately how much is changing around me -- how people, relationships, situations, and expectations are evolving.

it's not for the best, it's not for the worst. it just is the way it is i suppose, which is alright by me.

but i'm enjoying the fact that i'm choosing to acknowledge change at least in that it is significant in our lives, and not something we should take for granted regardless of (ironically) how immutable the ebb and flow of time may be.

it just makes me feel like i'm noticing i'm alive, you know? so i don't miss anything, because not only is everything an amazing blessing, but it all just goes by so....

....damn....

...fast.

overture, holiday

it's kind of strange how you can literally choose how to feel.

you can be having a great day, a crappy day, or a day that ranks among the most mundane in existence -- but perspective is such a matter of personal choice.

learning to harness that power for good rather than evil is the kind of thing that makes normal folks superheroes in my eyes.

sender

it's hard for me to understand how a child could not enjoy gym class. i mean, c'mon. you don't have to be good at sports to enjoy running around in circles. you get to play something -- that right there sure as hell beats sitting at a desk counting down the clock.

how does an entire generation of children develop such keener tendencies? what happened? is this the result of dilligent, hardworking and academic minded parents just overprotecting their kids? don't get me wrong, i'm not saying there's anything wrong with enjoying reading and learning, but what causes a kid to not like running around outside?

i really don't get it. everyone says that children are just too preoccupied with television and computer games and all that crap to play outside -- i just don't buy it. if from the very start you play sports with your kids and take them outside to run around, they will grow up enjoying those things. watch baseball with your kid, play basebal with your kid, guess what? odds are good they'll have a passing interest in baseball. i'm no child psychologist, but isn't that just common sense?

if you're kid is fat and geeky, frankly i fully expect that it's because their parents are too lazy to spend time with them and have delegated the task of parenting to a bunch of screens. i find in situations with children, i pretty much heap 95% of the blame on parents. i wonder if that's fair.

maybe i'm being too judgmental. i've never had a kid.

but i'll be damned if i they don't grow up to like gym class. that just ain't right.

underneath the weeping willow

this is one of the coolest pieces
of clothing i have ever seen.

i want one...





















http://www.socialsuicide.co.uk/

the worst taste in music

a rough recap of my daily routine the past two weeks:

1pm - wake up
2pm - eat lunch
3pm - email/trip planning/surfing/blog reading
4pm - light reading
5pm - watch sports highlights
5:30pm - watch PTI
6pm - more sports highlights
7pm - go play basketball
10pm - eat dinner
11pm - play dota
12am - play guitar
1:30am - dailyshow
2am - colbert report
2:30am - csi reruns
3am - angel reruns
4am - light reading
5am - fall asleep

rinse. lather. repeat.

i have two options: i should either stop feeling guilty and enjoy the chance to relax like a maniac, or i should just wake up earlier and do something productive.

actually, that's not true. i guess i could also just wake up earlier and be equally unproductive.

awesome.

the kid is already breaking

i like to fancy myself somewhat of a connoisseur of MSN display pictures.

there are a variety of genres that most pictures tend to fall into, and i feel they often say a lot about who we are.

the webcam pose, or the "i enjoy looking at myself"
the friends, or "attractive friends make me cooler by proxy"
the candid, or the "look at what i've done and how interesting it makes me"
the couple shot, or "this picture earns me brownie points as well as raising my stock"
the default images, or "MSN is not a pastime. it is a communications medium"
the interests picture, or "these are my hobbies. i think they help define me"
the humourously random picture, or "i'm a non-conformist. i'm also probably ugly"
the artsy photo, or "i am more original than you will ever hope to be"

and of course, there are pictures that do not fall into any of these catagories. naturally there are always exceptions in life, so i will not bother discussing these because they are either too stupid, or too genius for me to comment upon (i.e. pictures of your naked body probably mean you are a whore).

do not take offense if i have captured your essence based purely on your MSN picture. after all, i have a keen eye and brilliant mind for psychological deduction.

swans

my internal clock is so messed up.

the sure fire sign that i've seen too many episodes of 'what not to wear' is that i'm completely amused by dressing my yahoo avatar. so this is what it's like to play with a barbie.

fascinating.

speaking of wasting time, 3:45am CSI is fast becoming something of a ritual. must fix myself.

the quote of the week, taken from time magazine --

[re: the US immigration issue]

"Attrition through enforcement: instead of allowing the illegal population to grow every year, we start enforcing the law inside the country, something we don't do at all unless your name is Mohammed and you work inside a nuclear power plant." (Mark Krikorian, Executive Director, Center for Immigration Studies)

i fell off my chair laughing when i read that sentence, hahahaha

it's so rare time prints anything even remotely insightful. usually they have articles like "someone invented a solar powered toothpick that will change the world forever".

damn split runs....

as an aside, i find about 98% of the time i actually type the words "hahaha" i am completely stonefaced.

i'm either a compulsive liar, or i really like to make people feel at ease.

star witness

it's weird how the second you've resigned yourself to not having something, opportunity knocks. and even though you think you've made your bed to forever lay in, God shows up in the way you had hoped, but not in the way you had expected. is that bad? that i'm so cynical? or maybe i've been protecting myself from being hurt -- from getting my hopes up.

i've always been unsure of what's ahead, if it was me or if it was Him. confirmation is a wonderful thing.

Praise the Lord!

burn up the bay

there are some things in life that i just don't understand.

why didn't the gay cowboys from brokeback mountain just move somewhere more tolerant of gay people? it was like the 1970's, do they realize the party they could have had in san fran? it's akin to a polish nazi being scared of being called a racist during world war 2.

why doesn't mike james ever pass the damn ball? does he get a contract at the end of the year based on how many shots he makes this season, and is just going for sheer volume without a conscience?

why make a musical out of the Lord of the Rings? did they hire midgets to play the hobbits? are the midgets good at singing? who can really take a singing midget seriously anyways?

what are the requirements for getting an infomercial to air? it surely can't be the quality of product -- have you seen the q-ray bracelet? it doesn't DO anything. they might as well be selling voodoo magic pills. "Wear this bracelet and it will cure you of every possible human ailment, as well as align your posture and make you more likely to get laid".

what's with girls and pointy shoes? you're literally trying to project a deformation of one of your bodyparts. is it a subconcious effort to look more like a robot? a way to pay respect to geometry? if i were to wear a hat that made my head look like a rhombus, would that be haute couture?

if straight people watch straight porn and find gay porn uncomfortable, and gay people watch gay porn, do they find straight porn uncomfortable? if a lesbian were to watch gay-male porn, or a gay male to watch lesbian porn, would that be like the most confusing and awkward of pornographic viewer/content permutations?

the mysteries of existence.

you're alive

searching for inspiration.

i will write an awesome melody. oh yes, i will write an awesome melody.

european oils

most people would say i'm laid back, but if you have spent enough time around me, and if you've seen me in the right situations, you'd quickly learn that i'm actually a really competitive guy. in my younger days, i'd say it was actually bordering on over competitive.

with time and age however, i've learned to only be selectively competitive. i've realized there are things more important than winning, and now i'm more concerened with effort and doing things to the best of my abilities than i am with the outcome.

lately i've been finding myself unable to get motivated unless i essentially trick myself into being competitive. i make finding a job a matter of pride. i make being self-disciplined a war against the people who have a set idea about the kind of guy i am and what i'm like. at times, it's a war against myself even.

i've approached my spiritual life exactly the way i'd approach basketball -- i'm facing a challenge and doing it for the sake of pride. because i want to win. because i want to prove i'm better than you think i am.

it's a psychological thing. athletes do it all the time. kevin garnett has often been described as psyching himself up so much before games that he wants to kill the other team once he steps on the floor. kobe has thrived on the haters. even when people shower him with love, he somehow skews it in his mind into doubt, and he uses that to fuel his game.

it works for me. it makes me more productive than i could otherwise be. but i don't know if i can keep this up.

can i really WILL myself to love God? can i make it a matter of pride to be devoted? to be strong? to be sacrifical and obediant? do the means justify the end?

i feel like i'm proving to myself that i can do this. when in the end, i should be depending on Him to finish the job he started. and i do. but i'm so scared to take my hands off the wheel -- to fall into the trap of doing nothing at all with naive expectations.

is that really trust? i don't know. no one said it'd be easy, but i know things will happen in time. i will follow through the best i can. what more can i do?

He will replace the shame in my heart with fire.

what's mine is yours

looks like we have a RHF update. head on over and check out what those crazy high fivin' robots are up to now.

so speaking of learning things, although i can think coherently at 4am and get work done, it is painfully evident that the phase of my life where this was my prime productivity time is long, long gone.

what is it about night time that seems to get the creative juices flowing anyways? the only time i write anything amusing during the day is when i've just pulled an all nighter.

exhaustion breeds originality. which in my mind equates originality and stupidity to being pretty much the exact same thing.

clover

is it just me, or are bitter people just flat out more interesting than happy people? i mean seriously, compare your content and optimistic friends to your cynical and jaded friends and tell me who would keep you more engaged in a three hour conversation.

sure, it might make you feel better to hear the words "it's all good" over and over, but come on. everyone loves to hear some dellusional and irrational ranting. it's what makes conversations worth having. it's just so much more amusing seeing people spew forth vicious bile from their souls rather than just gloss everything over with a contrite little sheen, like putting an eric lindros rookie card into a plastic protective sleeve.

we're too hard on bitter people. hell, i only wish i was more bitter sometimes. i do my best work when i'm bitter. those who know me can attest to this -- nothing feeds a hateful heart better than when life gives you lemons. in fact, even when life gives me grapefruits i still find it's more fun to complain than it is to settle for being content. besides, grapefruits taste like crap, they're pink, and they're too large to carry around in a brown paper bag. who the hell wants a grapefruit?

where would we be without the egocentric? the self-focused? the narcissistic?

we'd be bored, thats where we'd be. so give a little love to your bitter side; its natures defence against a mid/quarter/any-sort-of-quasi-dead-end life crisis.

unrelated, but i bought a box of pant hangers today. although i have absolutely no use for them, at 15 cents a hanger, i have no regrets whatsoever about my purchase. if the success of my days were measured in the boxes of pant hangers i amassed, then today would be a great day. a great day indeed.

grasshoppers in honey

you know, life is a lot like a jamaican beef patty. they're cold and frozen to start, but depending on how much effort and time you put into making them, they can either come out kind of wet and droopy, or nice and flakey. and everything is filled with mildly spicy beef.

ok, so maybe life isn't like a caribbean meat pastry. man am i sick of eating patties. on the bright side, a bag of dried mangoes has appeared in the pantry. mmm...tasty.

anyways, the moral of the story is that sometimes you need to just recognize the fact that life is going to keep on keepin' on even if we try to fight it. there's a lot to be said for chasing our emotions, but there's a lot to be said for understanding when to put in work, and when to cut our losses. mistakes are made, lessons are learned. but in the end, it's at the very least a very satisfying feeling when you know that in retrospect, you actually did make the right choices using experienced gained from the past. it's like -- hey look! i'm an adult!

and as everyone knows, that's half the battle.

now that i think about it, maybe life is more like a bottle of yop....

no....no its not.

tonight i'm gone

my desktop looks awesome now. thanks to some help from ry and a spiffy new winamp skin, i must say my computer is more amusing to use now because everything just looks so damn cool. novelty is an amazing thing.

so lessons learned today are that when in doubt, don't trust anyone. if you want something done right you gotta just do it yourself dern it.

i like how maybe becomes half-truths, and things unsaid turn into things said when stories are told.

if i vow to do one thing, it's to be aware of what comes out of my mouth at all times.

also, i hate cammie. foreeeeeeever.

woodland hunter (part 1)

although that last.fm chart says "last week", it actually lists the 3 most recent songs played. i don't know why it says it's from last week, the internet is full of little tricks like that. you gotta keep your head up or you could be the next chump.

it's weird how much can change in the blink of an eye.

despite the saying 'a picture is worth a thousand words', i still think there are many things words can explain so much more precisely than an image. that might sound simplistic, but it's surprising how much visual interpretation we make in a day.

but anyways, here's some simple words -- i want to be a musician....dreams die so hard.

ghostwork

i don't know what's more upsetting -- the prospect that nobody really knows me, or that people know me way too well.

are those options mutually exclusive? oh wait, let me rephrase that; does that make for a good venn diagram?

my friends are nerds. all nerds.

feral children

it vexes me when i have a sore muscle, but do not know how to stretch it. has that ever happened to you? my inner thighs are sore, but i can honestly say i've never felt those muscles sore before. it's a completely new experience, like the first time my butt was sore after a dragonboat practice. in hindsight, it took me an entire month before i figured out how to stretch my butt. i still have time.

the search for a job enters week two after a relaxing and enjoyable weekend on the slopes. i've decided after this weekend to put hot-tubs fairly high on my list of "things that will probably end up getting me killed", right between "fast food" and "chivalry".

i have a long list of bookmarked jobs that i am in the process of applying to systematically. i have ones that i'd prefer to get, but unlike any other job search i've ever conducted, i have to admit that this is probably the least picky i've ever been.

it has been pointed out by some that i (literally) tend to throw money around. and i'll concede that it's true -- i don't have the kind of respect for money that i really should because i've just come by it so easily in my life. be it jobs that i aquired without much effort, or just serendipitous windfalls, money has never been a problem for me.

as a result, i tend to think of it as...not a big deal. i don't follow up very closely when people owe me money, and treat others even when i don't have a steady income. i act like it grows on trees. i haven't decided if this is a bad thing, but i am undoubtedly starting to realize the pragmatic implications of my attitude.

i am....going to be poor. and this is of course by design, as anyone who knows me has probably discovered i have a disdain for being well-heeled. yet....bear no grudge against the well-heeled lifestyle. it's like this conflict, where i don't want to stop treating myself well, but refuse to not feel guilty for it. my hypocrisy makes my head hurt.

maybe the time has come for me to admit that i need to just learn to be thankful for what i have instead of worry about why i have it. maybe i'm not as bad as i think i am. maybe....i should be worrying about more important things?

arc of a journey

it's pretty amazing how different a day can be if you just chug through the initial painfulness. even the worst days can turn around with some luck and perspective.

things i've learned today....

- i had an inkling, but now it's confirmed: i hate the bus
- winning a free coffee can jump me from content to ecstatic pretty easily
- days where i do not leave my house should forever be banned from my existance
- it takes my backpack about 3 hours to go from soaking wet to bone dry
- my parents are only getting more absent-minded with every passing day
- i'm starting to feel bad when i make fun of them for it

am i getting soft, or is the reality of the situation finally not cool to make fun of anymore? i don't know.

a plain morning

so, does anyone actually remember what life was like before the internet?

i was talking to irene earlier this week and we were saying how naked we felt without our cell phones. so strangely helpless. it's amazing we went half our lives without those little things. how did anyone get anything organized? i don't remember.

anyways, here's an interesting story. i might have mentioned this before, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately.

a few summers ago i got a job selling subscriptions to the national post. so i was doing my thing, out in front of a food basic store with my little booth and stack of newspapers.

this old jewish lady walks up to me, and we strike up a conversation about various newspapers. she says she hates the star, and happily obliges to subscribe to the senior rate.

somehow, we get onto the topic of me, and how i ended up standing in my dress pants in the vestibule of a budget grocery store in the middle of my summer vacation. she tells me she worked all sorts of crappy jobs once, and never regretted any mistake. and she says to me this quirky little quote that i'll probably never forget:

you gotta be young and stupid before you can be old and wise.

i never ever forgot that. sometimes i expect myself to know it all and do it all the way its suppose to be done. i mean, i'll be honest -- i've done a lot of stupid things in my time. but i can't say i didn't glean valuable experiences from them.

am i proud? no. but i learned. i have to catch myself everytime i say to someone "i feel old", because....i'm not. there's this huge margin of error for us to work with. we should probably take advantage of that while we can.

end of freedom

a lot of times people wonder why i'm so attached to my car. i tend to mention that it breaks a lot, not breakdown, but just....break. electrical stuff, control arms, minor details that add up to be annoying and expensive to repair. the maintanence on that sucker is probably more than i should stand(or my family cares to pay).

and yet, i wouldn't trade it in for the world. and if i could have any new car, i'd love to buy a brand new audi/vw and stick within the family.

why? why do i love the hassle? the inconveniance?

because....these cars have personality. they're fun. i can grow close to them. i don't know anyone attached to their corolla, because they're so...utilitarian and sterile.

i love the funky blue lights. the tight and responsive steering. the perfect weight of the perfectly sized and shaped wheel. even the location of the dead pedal.

it all just feels....right.

i've had more good memories in my car than i can remember. it'll be a sad day when i finally have to put it down.

between the bars

there's something poetic in the way that life manages to twist us around. when we feel like things are all figured out, we always get put in our place. we know nothing.

it's the universe. it's god. it's all those things.

we can't pretend to understand why things happen when they do.

"no one sets out to be a great man. just be a man, and let history decide"

what else can you do?

post plethoric rhetoric

i rejoin the ranks of the unemployed with a new look.

comments to come.

the moon is a harsh mistress

there are certain things i've come to take for granted.

i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning.
there will be orange juice, soya milk (and for some reason recently, yop) in my fridge.

maybe it's a stretch to expect myself to take every breath as a blessing. maybe i don't know how to be anything but jaded about cliches like that, and don't (or can't) react to them practically.

alls i know is that there's no reason i should be here. no good reason at least. and yet i am.

there are some days where i go my whole waking hours without once thinking of God. about why i woke up, about why i drank that glass of oj, about why i'm going to work, or reading a book. there are entire chunks of time where i just exist.

often i wonder if that makes me a bad christian. after all, i'm not living for God. not passionately furthering His kingdom. not running the good race, or fighting the good fight. sometimes i wonder if the fact that at times i'm so content just drinking a cup of coffee that God is just shrugging his shoulders unsure of what to do with me -- kind of like rob babcock, overseeing a basketball team.

am i going to be one of those dudes that shows up in front of God and he says "who the hell are you?"

is only knowing what not to do good enough? should i know what i am suppose to be doing?

but i always end up with that sinking feeling where no matter how much i screw up, God still loves me. that's what the bible says. that's what the church says. God will love me no matter what.

i hate that about God. like, seriously. i mean, i get mad at God. i get frustrated, i get pissed. but come on. how mad can you really get at a guy who in the back of your mind you know 100% loves you all the time?

it's so frustrating.

you know that sickly feeling you get while watching the Ernest movies, or inspector gadget, where with baited breath and non-diagetic information you painfully watch the bumbling hero?

that's how i feel sometimes about my life. just one fortunate happenstance after another to such an extent that i cannot even fathom how lucky i am.

not to say that's a bad thing. not everything has gone my way. and there's lots to come that i'm probably going to regret (there's a healthy attitude eh?). but i know that on days where i wake up with a basket full of lemons, God's always there to help me make lemonade.

even if sometimes i want to kill him for it.

is that blasphemy? god i'm screwed.

christ, i cursed.

fudgscicles.

rise up with fists

canadians are a wacky bunch.

we're terrifically demanding and highly critical, and yet characteristically disposed to not getting involved. we love to say. we hate to do.

win more medals. don't whine about carrying the flag.
dominate world hockey. don't run up the scores.

what do people expect? that we crush everyone in the world with grace? that we pick a comfortable and non-offensive margin of victory and simply try and maintain it?

it doesn't take an army of sports psychologists to figure out the reason canadians tend to choke in the crunch: we're afraid to be cocky. we lack arrogance. confidance. the swager that all the best have when rising to a challenge. the belief that we are better than you.

we're not winners. we're gracious losers. and until we realize that, until we stop being sorry for who we are, we'll continue to be just that. losers.

conversely, antagonizing our best when they do perform does nothing to remedy this situation.

******

in completely unrelated news, all the talk on the forum, and the recent passing of valentines day have gotten me on the subject of dating. and i've come to a staggering conclusion regarding how women view the concept of dating.

now, maybe i'm wrong, me being a mere man and all, but allow me to theorize about that mysterious planet venus you all live on for one moment, while at the same time explaing to girls the thrill of........the NBA draft.

yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen. dating for girls, and the NBA draft, are essentially the exact same game. thrilling, dissapointing, and ultimately, hit or miss and full of would have, could have, should have.

what do teams look for in potential draft picks? coachability, athleticism, work ethic, fundementals, background, experience, and perhaps most importantly -- upside.

similarly, we can break down the way girls approach men with a parllel set of catagories.

they seek the exact same quantifiable qualities -- coachability, athleticism, work ethic, fundementals, background, experience, and most importantly......UPSIDE.

sure. as that bitter asian guy site notes, girls COULD go out with the perfectly decent and providing asian engineer who has a good career and stable lifestyle.

but why do that when you could go out with the more attractive guy who -- though kind of a slacker right now -- has the potential (with your guidance naturally) to be so much more. to be smart, providing, an excellent listener, AND better looking, funnier, more adept at sports and various artistic endeavours. the whole damn package. and you can make it happen if you could just work on him.

sure, at first this idea sounds retarded. you can't shape a guy. you can't turn him into something if he naturally is not inclined for it. but this is what NBA teams do all the time.

it's the safe bet versus the gamble.

it's darko vs. melo

and every pick in the draft is made for a reason. just like every girl chooses a guy for a reason.

josh smith is the quintessential guy that girls gravitate to -- you can't be sure, but you just KNOW there's got to be something great in there. look at all that potential! he's smart but doesn't try in school. he's ludicrously well rounded but doesn't have the work ethic. he's pretty good already, but he could be so much better..... and boy is he fun to watch.

tim duncan is the all-around med student who everyone loves but is inherently boring. marry him and you won't be dissapointed, although life will be utterly predictable. boring, but ultimately, always for the best.

lebron is the phenom that comes around once every 100 years. marry him and you're probably the luckiest girl alive. he's tom brady with a PhD and gourmet catering company.

gilbert arenas is like the nerd who eventually becomes rich and suddenly hey -- turns out he's not so bad looking after all to boot.

so as we can see, girls view guys much like GM's view basketball players.

playing the game of life is not much different from drafting for an NBA team. you have to scout. you have to understand the game, and understand what your team needs. it's a dangerous game.

for every kevin garnet there's a jonathan bender. yet no team wins a championship with a lineup full of patt garrity's.

and perhaps most of all ladies, if there's one thing we've learned?

always. always take the best player available.

worms

brazilian bobsled doper

wow. that must be embarrassing on so many levels.

i'm curious -- is it just natural that gay guys go into careers like fashion and interior design, or do guys go into those careers and figure "well, i must be gay"?

also, i keep forgetting, but our favourite ming has started his own little corner of the web. it's not quite a blog, he tends to like to review stuff. as such, your personally and friends have been recruited to help him be judgmental.

www.robotichighfive.com

the fix

a lot of times, we lose sight of the big picture. i'm worried that i didn't dress warmly enough today, and almost missed the fact that the falling snow is absolutely gorgeous.

it's easy to get so immersed and focused on what we have right in front of us that we simply forget how expansive our lives are. yes, there are the small things we often miss -- yet on the other hand, there are also so many things outside of our immediate field of vision that we so often take for granted.

why do we love to limit ourselves? to paint ourselves into these little boxes and assume this box is where my life begins and ends?

it's so cliche, but everyday i feel the need to remind myself what my priorities are. to look beyond my little box and realize that there's more going on out there than just the things right in front of me.

we are so easily distracted. passion brings about focus.

what brings about passion?

the game needed me

Implicit Association Test

it's interesting how stereotypes come to be. i would never deny that due to cultural stigma, due to media coverage, due to social acquiescence i have been programmed to think and feel a certain way.

but when we really explore how deep these stereotypes are buried, how hard they are to ignore despite our best efforts, it becomes not just interesting, but borderline disturbing.

when you realize with horror that you're having a hard time answering the questions all of a sudden, you can't stop yourself. you keep making mistakes. you can't change it. it's such a surreal feeling.

the crazy thing is, getting a "preference for white people" in an IAT doesn't mean you're a biggot -- it means you're aware of the world around you.

there is no discrimination when it comes to cultural bombardment. challenge yourself.

only this moment

i have rediscovered a passion.

television.

it's odd how i just stopped watching tv outside of sports for the longest time, but i can't help but notice that there has been a gradual paradigm shift in the landscape of television shows, emphasising story telling over characters. things are cyclical, but i must say i find the recent wave of shows to be much more worth my time than say, friends reruns or new episodes of joey.

it's pretty clear that the sitcom has passed away. from what i can see, the best shows on tv are all one hour long. hell, even scrubs is an hour. it just seems people have realized that the amount of involvement that can be imbued on a one hour tale is worth more than twice the timeslot. good on them.

i also find that the shows i'm most interested in are all the satirical and darkly witty ones. the shows that are self-depreciating but only so far as life itself is.

well, except for project runway. that's an awesome show, but purely because of the competition and the fact that fashion designers were genetically programmed to be enjoyable characters to watch on tv.

showtime seems to have cornered the market on jaded and compelling underdog female characters that you love to root for. i can't stop watching dead like me, and weeds.

honestly, most everything that's good has already been done. even scrubs is sort of just my new version of undergrads, which in turn was sort of my new version of growing pains meets saved by the bell meets the wonder years.

but weeds....is original. it's outrageous, but real enough that you believe the characters, because they're so...human. also, the premise is awesome. they couldn't have screwed this show up if they tried, but as it is.....best....show.....ever.

i hear lost and battlestar galactica are good too, but there probably isn't enough sexual content in those shows to keep me interested. for example, it helps that the main character in weeds is ridiculously good looking. she plays a mother of two, but who cares. yummmm

yea, i said it. what? what?

this land flows with milk

i should really start sleeping earlier even when i don't have to work. it can't be healthy.

sitting in service this morning, though i was barely awake, i realized how grateful i am that we finally have a pastor again. sure, he may be a bit of a nerd, and kind of likes to draw out those sermon points, but you can tell he cares. and that's more important than all that other stuff put together.

i hope as a church we don't take him for granted, and we should each make him feel appreciated every chance we get. it's the little things that count not just in being a pastor, but in keeping one.

ironically, i suppose that could be said of all relationships. my heads been a mess.

actually, that's not true. my head's in the right place. it's more my heart that won't listen.

completely unrelated, but that whole china rising special on cbc creeps me out. maybe it's just me, but am i the only chinese dude who like, isn't eager to fawn all over china? wow look at how developed they are! look at the difficult struggle of a nation as it tries to balance modern civilization with thousands of years of culture and history! oh the growing pains!

yes yes, it's all very interesting. does it bother no one that china is evolving not like a normal industrialized country, but more like a cyborg developed in a lab to crush it's opponents? it's just not natural.

if china were a boxer, it'd be Ivan Drago. and despite all his fancy shmancy adjustable tread mill running montage scenes and punch-o-meter off the chart recordings, we all know what happened to Ivan Drago.

no HEART!

adriaaaaaaannnnee! yo addriaaaanneeee!

loop duplicate my heart

i've always wondered -- is it more efficient to slowly climb stairs two at a time, or at a more moderate pace but one stair at a time? in my personal experimentation, it seems slowly two at a time appears marginally faster, although i'm not sure which technique is more tiring. they seem about the same. do any of you doctors or pt students study this kind of stuff? write a paper on it, i'll read it.

speaking of simple excercise, is working out cumulative? meaning would i get the same results doing one pushup an hour for 10 hours as i would for doing 10 pushups in a row? i read somewhere that it's the same, but i am skeptical. the internet is full of lies. like that time i read that one of the worlds most notorious terrorist groups won a democratically elected majority in palestine.

what? that's true? oh. well, ain't life a bitch.

i'm sure the irony of the situation is not lost on our friends to the south. you couldn't have written a better story for the West Wing.

way to go jimmy carter. way to go.

not to beat a dead horse, but can you imagine what's going on in isreal right now? they must be wetting themselves left and right. i'd like to be a fly on the wall in one of those defence meetings.

"is sharon still sleeping?"
"i think he blinked yesterdy. it was on CNN"
"what're we going to do? we officially have a nation of walking time bombs now"
"lets just stop all our public transit services, and close all open street markets. then they won't know what to bomb"
"won't they just target other public places?"
"no, i bet they're too cheap to bomb places that aren't cheap or free to access. i mean, we bulldozed their houses. they can't have too much expendible income saved up"

"....wanna go to starbucks?"
"yea, it's the only place i feel safe nowadays...."

recommendation

CBC - Canada Votes 2006

i suppose i would be remiss if i did not say something about our new prime minister, mr. stephen harper.

he is creepy looking.

that's about all i got. to be honest, i think most people saw a conservative minority coming with the last few polls before the election, and things played out pretty much as expected, albeit with the distribution of seats taken a little bit surprising (quebec angry. quebec smash!)

personally, i always had said this would be the ideal result. i predict this government will last roughly 19 months, at which point we will have yet another election, resulting in on overwhelming liberal majority government.

after all. history is cyclical.

i think it's funny that alberta is as dedicated to the tories as immigrants are to the liberals. i may not be an expert, but i'm willing to bet most people in alberta hate ontario. i also am going to wager that if asked why, the vast majority would have no answer asides from "ottawa likes ontario more".

which -- in actuallity, is like saying you believe in God because your parents told you to.