i have an exam tomorrow at 2. and another one the day after. but i've decided to write this instead because i have no intention of studying tonite.
first year is pretty much over, and i feel compelled to share some random thoughts.

i came here expecting to be challenged academically like never before.
didn't happen.
i coasted through the whole year, but i guess in that sense, nothing has changed. i could have done better, and i maybe one day i'll actually care enough to. school....argh.

so i packed all my stuff up this afternoon (only to put it all back up later for a photo session in my room) and i realized how much i've connected with this room, this building, this school. i feel so.....at home, here. I feel more at home here then i do in toronto, and it's gonna be really crappy to have to move out. I've had the most, fun, fresh, memorable, exciting and badly needed experience here, with an entire floor of people that i'm glad i've gotten to know. As a floor, i think mine is more clique-ish than most, but that just means for a group of 60 odd people, we're SO tight, and it's amazing how you get to know people over the course of a year. We don't really NEED the rest of the building, not that we aren't friends with them. We just think we're the best, haha (which we are. we were voted most spirited floor. woohoo.)

but anyways, i also think it was a really good change for me, to move away from home and get out on my own. It's nice to know that, hey - i can take care of myself, and moving out has really given me a better sense of perspective on life, and my relationships. Especially with my parents, i find i'm much more patient, grateful and appreciative of them now that i don't live with them. I feel as though i'm actually an adult now, and it's nice because we act and talk more as equals instead of them just nagging at me. The scary part is i've also discovered half the stuff they nag at me about is actually good advice. spooky.

I just typed to my friend that leaving rez will feel like leaving high school. and i honestly think i feel the same way. I reflect on all the memories i have from the past year and i marvel at the fact that it's over. I think back to the beginning, and i think ahead to the people i'll see, the awesome friends i've made and the ones i might not see as often, but still will be in my head as part of first year.

It hasn't all been good memories this year, nor good experiences. But i can honestly say this has probably been some of the best months of my entire life. Like, high school was amazing, but towards the end, everyone was kind of itching to get out. 5 years is a long time. This was a much needed change of scenery, and it hasn't let me down.
I feel......changed. In a good way. And if thats part of what university is suppose to do, help you grow up, then i guess it's done it's job.

I'm not a kid anymore, and the majority of my friends (you guys), are no longer teenagers. The nostalgia is kicking in full gear this time of year, but also, in a good way.

i'm such a woman. geez, look at me writing about my feelings like a little pansy.... i need a machine that slaps me everytime i get like this.....

first of all, the Raptors sucked in their first playoff game. it was really sad.
i was spazzing out about that alone.

then i go online and read in the papers that the pistons fans BOOED O CANADA???

do they KNOW they just killed four of our boys? injured 8 more? have a little respect you self-absorbed motherf@ckers! we're all the way in that country which - thanks to you - is just a giant crater now, risking our lives because they pissed you off? well guess what? WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING PISS.
stop killing Canadians! stop banning our potatos because inbred idaho folk can't compete with PEI, and STOP PUTTING RIDICULOUS PROTECTIONIST TARRIFS ON OUR LUMBER YOU ASSWIPES. how DARE you push so strongly for free trade when you aren't even willing to comply by it's rules?! F@CK YOU!!

I swear to god, i'm driving down there after my last exam, going into walmart, buying a 12 gauge and firing randomly.
ignorant MORONS.

Thestar.com

i find it pretty apalling that although the US extended condolences and took responsibility for the admitted accident which killed 4 canadians, that they have not - in any statements i have yet to read - issued an apology to our country.

you BOMBED YOUR ALLIES you dipsh!ts. and it's not like there was a huge meelee where confusion would be expected. they were training. TRAINING for godssake.

the least you could do is say sorry to their family and nation.
christ....
this is what happens when you have an army that encourages high school dropouts to join as an alternative to education.....and that goes for Canada as well...

idiots.

does it ever kinda make you sick when u really think about how selfish our world is?

environmental degradation, political strife, quality of life polarization.......all because we're too selfish a society to put global ideology before personal gain.
i mean, i was studying, and for some reason as my mind wandered to ease the dull ache of useless knowledge seeping into my brain, i began to think of
Sept.11 last year.

i realized that, because we don't live in NY and have a constant reminder of it, i've pretty much forgotten about it. it's a distant place, with no immediately visible effect on me, and even the war going on has been placed into the back of my mind because it isn't a hugely significant conflict. It's a bunch of airplanes dropping bombs on caves.
with this in mind, i started to think about the whole situation a little more subjectively, and i thought

"was it really so bad?"
i mean, people die every day. 3000 people? theres been worse. so much worse.
charities raised over a billion dollars for WTC relief. how many people die of the common cold in 3rd world countries each day? treatable/curable diseases kill thousands every day. we won't even take into account aids......

so wheres the billions of dollars for them?
what about building better global infrastructure for helping developing nations deal with economical issues that DOESN'T turn them into near-parasitic dependants?
where is it written just because 3000 americans die, we should grieve more than if 5000 indonesians or africans are massacred in an attempt at ethnic cleansing?
we're enraged at terrorists because they hate the americans? EVERYONE HATES THE AMERICANS.
the states SO had this coming. it was only a matter of time before the under-developed (especially arab) countries acted on their backlash to US powerplays and political manipulation. The united states could be considered a greater "terrorist" threat than any islamic network if you think about it....
we should be enraged at ourselves for letting the values of our society perpetuate the downward spiral of global inequality.

activist propaganda might be getting to me, sure.....but even watching the news makes me sick. just take a second to THINK about what you're watching.
THINK about what CNN is feeding you.

the world is retarded because we accept it. and we accept it because we figure we can't change it. which is retarded.
therefore, we are all retarded people.

how encouraging.

some of my favourite links.
e-mail forwards are only interesting for so long...

Shift Magazine Online
Kicksology.com
NoLogo.org
Car & Driver
Spin Magazine
Ink Blot Magazine
Epitonic Music
Harpers Magazine
New York Times

does my hatred for school and inevitable academic irresponsibility make me an immature person?

i mean, since when does school define how much of a well rounded individual i am?
who's to say school HAS to be high on my priority list, lest i be regarded as incapable of being a sensible adult?

or does school go hand in hand with my level of maturity? does getting over my vicious bitterness towards this retarded institution of brainwashing make me a better person?
is it my societal duty as a middle class, moderately intelligent person, to take full advantage of my opportunity here and learn all i can learn in order to prepare myself for giving back as much to the world as it has given in my creation? to make myself happy by getting good grades, getting a good job and marrying some smart, successful and cute christian girl so everyone can be satisfied (most importantly - my parents) ?

Or does the fact that my simply being here has made me realize how much i despise being here tell me that i don't need school to grow?
doing homework doesn't necessarily make me mature, but it DOES mean i'm capable of subjecting myself to sacrifices and pain and suffering and misery in order to work towards an un-named, unknown goal of success in the future which i have no vision of achieving, but lots of hope and wistful desire of having.

so what am i saying?
i don't do my work, and i skip lots of classes. and i feel bad.
because i'm here to do work, and i'm here to go to classes. so obviously, i'm not doing what i'm suppose to be doing.

so i wonder. is this REALLY what i'm suppose to be doing? or is this train of thought just my internal rational/excuse for being lazy?
maybe my self pity is a defence mechanism for all my acedemic short comings. maybe i just SAY i don't want to be here because i suck at being here.
or maybe. just maybe, i suck at being here because i don't want to be here.

and if by some crazy fluke, that really is the case, and i'm NOT just lying to myself with all this "i hate school" mumbo jumbo (although i doubt i'm lying when i say i hate school, because really. really. i do. with a passion, i might add.) then what AM i suppose to be doing?

i can tell you that right now, i SHOULD be writing an essay. but i'm not. i'm rambling. because i'm better at it. and i'm playing guitar. because i love doing it. and i'm wandering around my building. because i think it's more enjoyable.

i'll stop whining when the world is a perfect place.....until then, u can't stop my bitching because you're reading this and i'm writing it. so there.
i guess i'll get back to my essay now. after i eat breakfast.....

the first time i saw dancer in the dark, i was half asleep. i thought it was good, but kinda slow.
so i watch it again because i'm writing an essay on it, and i fully appreciate how good it is. GREAT film on so many levels.

anyways, on an unrelated note....i've decided getting what u want in life isn't the hard part. it's figuring out exactly what you really want....

like....REALLY want....not what u think u want, or what u're expected to want, or what you're told to want.

what do you REALLY want? i find this question poses a tremendously difficult concept....because i mean "want" not even on a large scale.
even the small things in life, and not necessarily material things. expectations, preconceptions, sometimes u have to throw them all out the window, when you're trying to figure out what you're searching for. and i think figuring this question out is one of the most pressing issues we should be dealing with.....especially at our age.

just my 2 cents.

i don't care what anyone says, chess isn't a sport.
if chess is a sport, then sleeping should be a sport too.
it involves physical training, endurance, and there are actually stratagies and skills to sleep better.
furthermore, there is already an entire market of performance enhancing drugs for sleeping, so it'll fit right in with all
the other olympic sports.

since when is thinking real hard a sport? so can't math be a sport? i'm chinese, i have connections.
i think it's about time i start up the national full-contact calculus league.....everytime u get something wrong, u get your ass kicked.

hm....actually, i think i've just stumbled upon the future of elementary school teaching techniques.....we really should get these kids back to basics. i remember when I was in school, i had to learn all the hard stuff. like.....adding....

top 10 favourite songs to listen to when alone at night:
(in no particular order)

weezer - only in dreams
dashboard confessional - brilliant dance
dashboard confessional - screaming infidilities
something corporate - konstantine
jen wood - imperfect
elliott smith - pitseleh
oasis - wonderwall
jimmy eat world - for me this is heaven
jars of clay - worlds apart
the get up kids - long goodnight

yea, i'm an emo kid trapped in a typical cbc's life.
c'est la vie.

getting dressed up is only fun if you've drank enough to forget you're all dressed up.
furthermore, rumours provide for delightfully awkward situations. weee.

and on a final note: Waterloo is a very ugly campus. hahaha....no, really, it is.

ever watch notting hill?
boy, that movie bugs the hell out of me.

i mean, it's bad enough hollywood mass produces this pop-culture fairytale romance cliche to perpetuate a false sense of reality, only causing further heartache and despair in the ingorant and ever so emotionally needy populas to which this drivil panders, but on top of it all, this movie goes so far as to cross the line to pseudo-post modernism and have us believe "movies can come true" by having it come true in a movie???

do you hear that sound?
it's the sound of society slowly cocking the barrel as it prepares to continue shooting itself in the head.

have a cheery day!

you know whats crazy?
faqs.

there seems to be an FAQ for EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.
games, for sure, but even retardedly asanine things like......exact facts and tips on building bombs, mixing drinks, poisons, how to commit suicide, how to get rid of corpses, how to french kiss, how to perform oral sex...........the internet is INSANE.

yes, i know this is common knowledge, but i still find it crazy. like, really.....who writes a FAQ for suicide?? don't you have better things to do?? like......DIE?!?!

i want to just go away....

....This is just TOO FUNNY

my random words of advice:

- listening to tracks 3 and 4 of an album will usually tell you if u like the whole thing
- always speak your mind (except when someone has just died or been seriously injured, and a dirty joke is all you can think of.)
- when you can, always try to blame others instead of yourself.
- cynicism is a good thing.
- theres nothing wrong with being an elitist smart-ass if you genuinely know you're good at it.
- sprite tastes good with ribena.
- you can't always do what makes you happy.
- keep yourself mysterious

who's genious brainchild was it to design crazy glue that comes in twist off cap containers?!
i mean, really, people. throw me a frikken bone.

oh, if anyone has any ideas what i should do with my extra web section, i'd love some ideas.

the only restrtiction is......no pictures! i'm too lazy.
anything else is cool.

well. i did it. i made a crappy page.

these blog/various online journal's seem to be all the rage now-a-days. i guess one could say i'm jumping on the fad bandwagon, except i don't plan on recounting any events of my days here. this is probably going to end up being more a random thought posting type thing. if that makes sense. anyways, i've come to some good conclusions recently. All of which confuse me. Sometimes i wish life was more like saved by the bell. or like....the wonder years. that was a great show. but wouldn't it be wicked if like, every so often, you could hit a button that just faded your life to black and scrolled some credits? of course, the soundtrack for everyone's life would be different, so the music would have to be internal. But then again, wouldn't we all go crazy if we all perpetually had music playing in our heads? maybe. maybe not.

either way, wonder years was a great show.
did u know there was a new survivor? yeesh....whats next? survivor:new york subway bathroom?

i WILL make a page this time.
dammit, even if it sucks, i'll post SOMETHING.

I don't think I'll ever finish this webpage.
oh well, back to studying al/geo.....