easier

i've decided that one day i'm going to new york for 9/11 to see in person the tribute of light before they have new buildings up.

putting aside all the political animosity and posturing, and even ignoring my own jaded sense of journalistic integrity (or lack thereof) regarding the events of 9/11, i can't help but feel somewhat.....amazed, that this tragic event will be one of the defining moments in our lifetimes. everyone remembers where they were, and what they were doing that day. everyone has a story. it's a day where we are all united by one common event, and that's something that happens so rarely in life, be it for heartbreaking or joyous reasons.

it's funny that while CNN is doing the larry king, feel good special to fallen heroes and survivors, the passionate eye is replaying that "falling man" documentary.

i sometimes wonder how objective and fair-minded canadians would be when the tragedy hits closer to home.

the reason no titles lately? no time for new music....

no time for thinking. no time for sleep.

so.....damn.....tired.....

hana
Thursday, September 07 6:00 PM VARSITY 8

pan's labyrinth
Sunday, September 10 3:00 PM VISA SCREENING ROOM (ELGIN)

everything's gone green
Sunday, September 10 9:30 PM PARAMOUNT 2

156

is.....is this seriously a little knot in my stomache?

what is this? this strange....feeling....

get it together yau.

snow brigade

been watching morgan spurlock's "30 days" show recently. i find it really interesting and endearing in an "extreme home makeover" kind of way. except this show is not only emotionally heartwarming at its best moments, but actually informative and educational as well. it's kind of like "wife swap", but with a cultural/ethical bent. everyone should check it out, especially if you liked supersize me.

i should be asleep, but i can't stop thinking about stuff. like, all sorts of stuff. things i have to do, things i never did, things i can't control, things i must control. i guess when you realize what a juggling act every day is, life can seem rather intimidating. double, triple booking my days and just trying to squeeze everything in before school starts -- its enough to drive a guy to insomnia.

this past sunday, i was actually planning to sleep through church again. sometimes i just go to bed on saturday nights and i think to myself "i'd rather sleep". so i turn off my alarm, and just plan to not wake up until noon. i tell people i slept in when they ask at times, but the truth is half the time i just...skipped...church. not exactly the kind of thing i'm proud of, but i'm not going to lie and say just because i teach sunday school, or play a guitar, that these things don't happen.

the thing is, church to me is a lot like class. i *know*i should go. and i know that if i go, i'll like it, and enjoy it, and learn from it. yet sometimes i'm just so indifferent towards something i know is good that i don't even care that it's good. how sad is that?

anyways, so for some reason my my mom left early for church sunday, and my dad walks in and says he's hitching a ride with me.

argh. my restful plans foiled.

so i wander into service 30 minutes late with my medium regular in hand, and spend most of the service playing little funny face games with the little kids in the overflow. to be honest, i don't even know what the sermon was about, but i do remember one single question being asked by pastor tim: "what is your refuge?"

even though i've retained almost nothing from sunday, that question has stuck with me. it is in my mind, because i know my refuge is not God. it's music. it's sports. it's friends. it's sleep. it's tv. it's reading. God is so far down that list it makes me shake my head, yet i can't force myself to care more. actually, often God is my *last* option. my deperation hail mary pass. my cliched and metaphorical emotional crutch.

sometimes i think it sucks being Christian. it's so much work -- so mentally and morally straining when things could just be simple. it's...tiring. and yet i know where the truth in my life has always been. and despite it all, at the end of the day i just can't deny that truth.

it's who i am. it's rewarding beyond anything i've ever known, if i would just let myself be committed to it. what else is new eh?

trying to learn to take refuge in God is my ultimate goal. it encompasses everything i know i need -- prayer, quiet time, obediance, relationship building. things i know i should be striving for but hardly ever do.

i guess admitting you have a problem is always step one.

everyone always makes a big deal abouts step one.

i'm finding in all honesty, every step only gets harder. for anyone who knows me, prolonged hard work is my kryptonite.

wish me luck.

chicken pox

oh man....what a week.

sleep has been a premium commodity, and i'm running on fumes. i wish i could have been in town to hang out with certain cool people before they went back to calgary -- my sincerest apologies for not getting a chance to say farewell. i promise we'll (me and my heterosexual life partner) will one of these days make it out to visit. PROMISE.

so despite my aforementioned bad personal scheduling, chicago was again a whirlwind of good friends catching up. most of that catching up took place while shopping and stuffing our faces full of food. that's multitasking in the best possible way.

thanks to everyone for the lodging, having us over, feeding us, letting us interrupt quality time with our stupidity, and of course for being all-around so awesome to be worth visiting to begin with.

i went down there armed with only $100 in cash, and i returned with a trunk-load of clothes, bags,and shoes.

mmm....shopping. how i have missed the feeling of sating my sad sad materialistic desires....

in other news, i've concluded that between me, steph, and des, our mutual presence actually creates a rip in the fabric of reality that lowers the collective maturity in a fifteen metre radius of us. we're like the bermuda triangle of rational thinking; the area51 of common sense; the brain of your average female human being.

some might say we're bad people (hallway-bar-face-girl, for example). i have nothing to say in our defense. but i wouldn't have it any other way. good times....good times.

hug it out bitches.

the dogs of b.a.

nothing like a heavily irish coffee and some mirah to get the productivity for the day rolling.

i like going stretches without sleep, then catching up all at once. it may not be the wisest, or most efficient means of doing things. but boy does it feel nice.

i haven't worked out, gone jogging, or played basketball in almost three weeks.

i'm getting soft.

first time

i seem to have hit a blogging speed bump. rare in these long summer days of....uh...barely existing.

the schedule has consisted of a few weeks of non-stop going out, which i have followed up nicely with two straight days of nothing but camping out in my room catching up on the new seasons of freshly downloaded television shows. as much as i've made fun of some people for watching tv instead of going out, it's nice.....in moderation.

time to hit the stretch run of the summer by soaking in as much of the gorgeous weather as i can. thankfully, most of those outdoorsy activities are easy on the wallet.

i can't believe i have school again this fall. the idea is so.....surreal. i thought that university was the best years of my life when i initially finished undergrad. and you know, they honestly were right up there as some of the best damn months i've ever had.

but i just can't say they were my best years. and i'm glad i feel that way, because it actually means i believe the best is yet to come. and i know it's cliche, and that everyone says it. but to really, honestly feel that in yourself? to trust that even despite your inner cynic, you really aren't rationalizing, or bullshiting yourself?

sometimes we slog through the crap of life hoping to catch a glimpse of a reason to go on. our reasons are so often put up on pedestals, invested into long term committments that you expect not to bear fruit for at least several years of your life. but man, i have to say -- optimism is addictive once you catch that glimpse of what lays ahead.

keeping myself running on coffee just to survive for the next month? that's probably going to cost me a tupperware container full of quarters.

to be able to do it guilt free?

priceless.



.....this is completely unrelated, but did you know that sloan from entourage grew up right here in toronto? she's a local product, baby!

be still my beating heart....

say it aint so

i find flipping through the ikea catalogue to be a welcome distraction from the doldrums of daily life. who doesn't enjoy the prospect of buying an image here or there?

it mildly annoys me that i have no option outside of walmart when it comes to buying cheap furniture. i mean, it's the opposite of clothing and cars and stuff where the status quo comes at a premium. i shop at ikea because it's the cheapest option. period.

which makes me wonder -- is the cost of assembly really twice that of the furniture itself? otherwise, why is every other furniture store in the city so....damn....expensive?

the avalanche

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

Psalm 19:8-9

i find there are times where i choose to ignore Him. where i'm ashamed, or i refuse to admit there is only one correct stand to take. times where i don't want to seem like i'm fanatical in front of my friends, or admit that despite all the hopes and dreams i share with others, i really do live only for one reason.

i don't want people to think i'm some bible thumping, hell preaching, conservative mudslinging hypocrite who does nothing but judge.

that's not me.

and in maintaining that anti-perception, i find at times i feel like i have to compromise anything that might even remotely taint me with that brush. and it's hard. because the truth is, there are times i want to stand up and scream the message from the moutains. but i remain subtle. i maintain tactful, because i feel that is the safe way to go.

but i know that's not necessarily what i should be doing. sometime i know i'm being asked to be bold.

and yet i cannot commit to it.

like so much in life, hollow words flow from hollow hearts. is faith suppose to feel like school? must the distinction between discipline and joyful obediance be ascertained? and where?

people say all christians should be in africa helping the poor. if you ask me, there is logical truth to that -- but if people think for a second we're taking the easy way out by staying here, then i say you've obviously never been a christian.

it's easy to drop everything you're responsible for and live an idealized life.

it's harder to balance the reality of your circumstances with what you're trying to do and who you want to become.

laws don't usually give my heart much joy. i'm not sure what david experienced when writing this psalm -- probably something humbling and terribly painful, yet ultimately joyful in his total dependence on the Lord.

i long to feel that again. to know and trust to that extent again. to pray, and actually believe that what i'm praying for isn't just the selfish manifestations of my own misguided desires.

killing moon

i thought i'd be more sore after so many games of softball. surprisingly, i feel pretty good. maybe i'm not as old as i keep thinking i am....

i have a strange, pulsating pain from deep inside the lower-rear part of my head. it's like my brain is trying to get out of my skull or something. my first thought is that i might simply have spent too much time in the sun this weekend -- somewhere in the area of 20 hours in two days.

maybe i have mild sunstroke resulting in a little bit of a headache. but i don't feel dehydrated, or particularly tired or anything.

and yet, there goes that jabbing pain from my brain again.

maybe something burrowed its way into my head and laid eggs.

enh. i'll do what i always do to cure my mystery ailments. sleeeeeeeeep.

glósóli

i
love
listening
to
music
really

really

loud

an evening well spent.

i was a lover

i am not as big a fan of fruit as some other people i know. still, i find the occasional fresh juicy watermelon, or plump sweet orange, refreshing in these dog days of summer.

what i've discovered is not as nice, is when you take a bunch of fruits that in theory should taste good, and blend them together randomly.

so here's a tip: if you ever come over, and my mom offers to make you a banana-strawberry-orange-cantaloupe-watermelon smoothie......respectfully decline.

a samba in the snowy rain

i like the tactile feel of a real keyboard. after having nothing but a laptop for a few years, it's a little bit odd to suddenly have keys with any significant depth to type on again. odd, but nice.

sitting on my toilet, leafing through the latest tigerdirect.ca catalogue, it dawned on me that this was a pretty nerdy thing to be doing. but then i thought -- what does that even mean anymore? certain female friends call us nerds for playing video games, but frankly i'm not entirely convinced that's what makes people nerds anymore. and even if it does, being a nerd simply doesn't carry the same sort of negative connotations it once did.

buying a new computer is almost like buying a car nowadays.

"whooo....nice. got a new computer eh?"
"yup, just picked it up yesterday"
"what's under the hood?"
"dual-core intels, SLI Nvidia cards, 2gigs of ram..."
"sweet, i bet it runs HL2 like a hot knife through butter"

sure, that might sound nerdy to girls. but as if girls understand if i were to go into the details of Audi's new DSG transmission, explaining how amazing it is that torque is available at the low-end of the band without having to compromise the quick shifts of a normal slushbox.

boy talk is boy talk.

what even makes a nerd anymore?

my vote is sitll for dungeons and dragons. but hey.....maybe one day that'll be subculturally chic like computers and gadgets are today. only negrodamus knows.

five dollers

Intellectual darkness is the result of ignorance, but spiritual darkness is the result of something that I do not intend to obey. ~O.C. (utmost)

knock 'em out

i don't understand why just because something says "prada" on it, it has to cost twice as much as something that says "esprit". especially when it's not clothing. just a piece of plastic, the same fit, make, and quality, but a different little word stenciled on the side.

stupid capitalism.

i think buying a new pair of glasses today was a microcosm of my shopping history -- i like something, but am not willing to pay for it. and so instead of buying something i really want, and would realy be happy with, i end up settling for something that's nice. not great. not perfect. just....pretty nice. but i know i have to settle, because in a year or two, these glasses are probably going to end up like all the others -- in shambles, being held together with tape on my face.

on the bright side, thank God for crazy glue.

we're here

i am addicted to the guillemots. anyone familiar with my more neurotic -- and debatably pretentious -- idiosyncratic listening habits will know that i rarely put things into constant rotation. now i must admit: i have been listening to this album (nearly) non-stop.

on an unrelated note, i think if i were a communist dictator for life, one of the first things i'd do is update the wardrobe of my regime. neutral coloured leisure suits are awesome if you're going for the mod look, but come on -- you're going to have to prove to the world you're the good kind of dictator. lets splash a little colour in there.

see, that's where i think all the communist regimes so far have gone wrong. the PR battle. currently, north korean's kind of look like lower class refugees from china circa 1953. but if the government spent a bit of money and bought everyone just ONE cool outfit and made them wear it every day, we'd think the northies were not all that bad.

just imagine turning on CNN and seeing a city full of asians in stylish and bright fob clothes. sure, their faces would still seem depressed, but could the average north american tell the difference between beijing and pyongyang then? i bet not. asian are skinny to begin with, so the malnutrition probably wouldn't even be noticed on camera. is this tactic not obvious to anyone in in north korea? just think about it! presto! guess what? with some cool clothes, north korea now seems like china! and china is kind of cool lately! thus, north korea must be a-ok too!

easy as pie.

anyways, if i ruled a country, i'd also make everyone wear a crown all the time. that way if anyone ever wanted to attempt a coup, they'd have to figure out who the REAL ruler was first, and by then, i'd have had time to get into my secret shuttle and escape to austin, texas. hopefully in time for the next taping of ACL.

sao paolo

staring outside into my backyard, i can see dozens of clouds of mosquitoes hovering ominously over my lawn. the thought of my lot being overrun by bloodsuckers gives me the chills. and thus the pros and cons of living near a ravine. i went for a jog last night and came back more itchy than sweaty. on the bright side, i now know that having the duel distraction of scratching my arms and picking a wedgie while i run makes the time pass surprisingly fast.

to me, conciously trying to appreciate all that i take for granted is kind of like falling down an escalator -- you never get to the end (also, fruit baskets are cool.....).

my family isn't what you would call "the full-house family". i don't even think we'd qualify as the typical asian canadian family. but i certainly take them for granted. however, they sometimes surprise me with reminders of how much they actually care, despite the fact that as much as i hate to admit it, i often act like the immature baby of the family because i know i can get away with it. and i hate doing that, because i don't treat anyone else that way. only my family, who will always let things slide, and who will always have my back.

and what else is family there for anyways? if not for you to depend on them, and to be dependable for.

its weird how growing up i always thought my family was devoid of affection, or emotion. nowadays though, as life gets more complicated with age, i find myself understanding the simpler and more subtle gestures of love.

and who would have thought -- but my family is teaching me what it really means to love. something i'm conciously trying to pay attention to.

its always the last place you look eh? funny how that works....

where'd you go

the funniest commercial on television right now is the gillette fusion spot where some dude catches two fireballs thrown at him and combines them into a five-blade razor. really? i didn't realize a manual razor was the result of a dragonball battle. i know it's about image, and being over dramatic is part and parcel of advertising...but really? is there a cheesier ad anywhere out there right now?

the best part is right after he shaves his face with his fireballs, a chick that looks displaced from the swedish bikini team magically appears just to stroke his face.

i must concede -- my razor doesn't do that.