h e a v e n

i went ahead and brought my coffeemaker down into my room yesterday, then set it to brew a fresh pot when my alarm clock was set to go off.

i'm such an addict it's not even funny anymore.

on the brightside, i think i finally found an alarm that's going to work for me.

open my eyes, drink a mug of coffee, and now it's barely 10:30am and i've been awake for an hour, but i feel ready to destroy the day, hahahaha

man, at this rate i'm going to be drinking 10 coffee's a day.

current count: 2

s u n d a y m o r n i n g

it's funny how perspective can change so quickly. we think our eyes are open already, but in a matter of days -- or hours even, everything we thought made sense seems stupid and petty.

funny. but ultimately....humbling.

fists up

i'm supremely disappointed in the CRTC that this station will not be airing in Canada.

i'm not saying al jazeera is the saviour of the free-press, or inferring that they are somehow "better" than any other news station. but the fact is, they are based in, and have a foothold in the area of the world where the most pertinent and important news today is developing. they have information bbc world or cnn may not have. they have sources those stations may not have. and most of all, they have a presence in the culture of the middle east that cannot be ignored.

the opening was pretty lame (especially the botched breaking news bulletin. somebody clearly missed a cue). and really, i know you just started, but the opening story of your network is.....yourselves? yikes. don't let all that western screaming get to your heads or anything now....

they probably won't change the way we get our news. but al jazeera may challenge not just how our established media reports stories, but rather what news is defined as, and why.

rootless tree

is there a precedence for keeping or deleting pictures of exes? i mean, it's one thing if you don't throw away print photos. it's understandable to me that you just keep all your photos that have been printed because memories are meant to be remembered.

digital photos however seem to pose a more complicated scenario. i mean, if a girl is looking through your photos and you have old pictures of your ex, i think it's safe to assume she'll understand.

but if a girl is looking through your digital pictures on your computer and you still have like, entire folders of stupid random pictures of your ex, doesn't that seem a bit....uh....i dunno.....uncool?

personally, i think the digital medium makes them more expendable, simply because most of those pictures were probably not very good anyways because they were taken loosey-goosey.

i dunno, for some reason it just seems like digital photos should be deleted, but printed ones are ok. it's almost like prints get grandfather claused whenever you meet a new girl, because she understands the nostalgia associated with paper photos.

i'm curious what opinions the ladies have on both sides of the ledger.

mount washington

nothing scares me like old people driving expensive cars. especially when you look over and it looks like they can barely keep themselves awake until the light turns green.

like.....honestly. scary stuff.

in other news, i'm still awake and it's 2:30am and i think i'm starting to develop an alcohol dependency.

this is not gooooood........


....mainly because i can't afford to be an alcoholic.

i can't believe this is even late for me now. this used to be like, prime-time.

man, i'm getting old.

parantheses

basketball in two weeks again for multisport.

this is a sign.

redemption is at hand.

the perfect crime 2

i apologize if i depressed anyone (cammie) with my bitterness after losing. i don't blame anyone but myself. i just....hate losing.

i know for sure after basketball i'm not the nicest guy after i lose. if its pickup, i'm not AS angry because i know i'll get to play again right afterwards. but when it's any sort of organized competition, losing at basketball brings out like, the absolute worst in me.

to be honest, i thought i was being pretty good on monday, hahahaha

you should have seen me during TCSSC league. or even university intramurals. i almost killed a ref once because i was trying to intentionally foul and he wouldn't blow the whistle.

actually, if i saw that guy on the street again, i'd probably still punch him in the neck. what a bastard he was.

anyways, don't feel bad. at least i didn't yell at you guys during the game like i do to people i actually play basketball with.

hoppipolla afturabak

busy weekend past. busy week ahead.

i was telling ivan recently how i feel like i've been thrown into some strangers life, what with all the changes that have occurred around these parts lately. my schedule is suddenly hectic, my responsibilities suddenly many, my days off suddenly far and few between.

i embrace it all though. i know that the challenge is where my lessons lie. that's always the way i've been, and i'm slowly....painfully learning to step up to the task. especially when it's the easy, obvious tasks. those are the ones i usually take for granted, and as such, the ones i usually screw up. for me, the problem is never handling the crisis. it's merely maintaining the status quo, so as to avert crises.

a lot of strange thoughts floating around in the head lately, what with funerals, birthdays, and so many great friends whom God has shown His love through to me. much to be thankful for. much to learn. thanks everyone for a great first week of November.

here's to many more.

content was always my favourite colour

Toronto -- Bruna Nota often gets stopped because of the two poppies on her lapel.

It is not the traditional red poppy that people are curious about. It is the one beside it -- her homemade white poppy that she has worn for over a decade of remembrance days -- that attracts the most attention.

“The White poppy is totally against war, commemorating the civilian losses. Not just the people killed in combat” says Nota, a member of the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom.

The idea started in 1933, when the Co-operative Women's Guild of England produced the first white poppies to be worn on British Armistice Day. WILPF, now a 40,000 member international organization, continues to champion the ideals behind the white poppy.

“The red poppy has become a glorification of war. It is the great valour that has been displayed by the veterans. But all of the rest has been totally subsumed” says Nota “all the genius spent on war making could have been spent on making global peace. But those energies are siphoned off in making weapons”.

WILPF does not have the resources to mass produce white poppies. Rather, Nota hands out leaflets wherever she can, encouraging a grassroots effort for people to make and wear their own poppies for peace.

She admits that veterans she has encountered have sometimes felt offended or slighted by the unfamiliar flower on her chest. She may not agree with them, but she is firm in her respect for their sacrifice.

“We don’t mean to supplant or minimize the honour that is due to the veterans. They are mistaken, but that doesn’t take away any of their value. I certainly – and many of us – suggest that we wear both [poppies]”

Indeed, the white poppy has recently found support with some veterans, including the Veterans Against Nuclear Arms, a Canadian organization focused on peace and disarmament.

Nota observes that the popularity of the white poppy seems to be growing.

“People from other countries ask me about [her poppy] more” says Nota. “People are here because their land was in such a state of turmoil that they had to get out. I think there is more awareness that we need to do something else. To find alternative options to war”.

portrait of an apology

this past weekend at church we had an egyptian christian retelling his testimony of how he was imprisoned and tortured in egypt for his faith. he told a daring story of courage, faith, and adventure, that ultimately led to him escaping a 100-thousand dollar fatwah in egypt by stealing a sea-doo, and racing between israeli and egyption warships in order to claim UN-political refuge status in israel. eventually, he was freed and supported by the UN and Amnesty International.

i must say, it was a hell of a story. he was tortured like....Alias style, the kind of stuff you only see in movies. he had to hide from authorities in his own city, escaping by night like some....egyptian...ninja guy....

anyways, his ultimate message was that every day, there are millions of persecuted christians that we should be praying for and stuff. to which i can't help but think, are persecuted christians really the greatest of my worries? i mean, i respect his exemplary strength and courage, but frankly it seems kind of hypocritical to concern myself only with persecuted christians. what about muslims in our western society? sure, they're not overtly tortured, but surely they live under an opressive social stigma in our current day and time. should i not pray for their rights? for cultural understanding in our own home? the hundreds of political prisoners taken in by the US government and held indefinitely in secret, without trial nor trace?

i dunno. i guess i have no point. i don't want to say the dude's message was unimportant, because i'm sure it is. all i know is that i felt kind of insulted that we should for whatever reason care more about certain persecuted individuals than others, simply because they are the same religion as me.

is that silly? i mean, i suppose it's like how we're expected to care more about our own family than strangers. but is it....actually, wrong to care about strangers as much as your family? would i be morally and ethically misprioritized if i took a bullet for a stranger before my own brother?

i'd like to think not. maybe i'm naively altruistic, or maybe i don't love my family enough. i dunno, but either way it bothers me to think otherwise.

the lottery

i can't believe it's october 24th.

where the hell did this month go? i mean, seriously. i actually might have to start doing some school work at this pace.

my favourite things about living alone, most of which i had forgotten i loved:

+ playing music as loud as i want
+ peace and quiet
+ i can do my laundry whenever i damn please
+ playing music as loud as i want at 3am
+ taking a dump with the door open
+ nothing is as comforting as a game of DOTA, with the volume cranked, while drinking good wine from the bottle.
+ i can wake up without someone ripping my comforter off me and carrying it upstairs
+ having friends over
+ freedom to come and go at anytime without feeling guilty
+ i don't have to wear pants
+ always have the car
+ the television is never...ever on fairchild
+ getting to cook again. i had forgotten that was actually kind of fun.

cons:

+ boy am i hungry
+ i think i have scurvy

where cedar nouns and adverbs walk

this band has....blown my face off.

i find myself listening to an awful lot of cancon lately. must be all that cbc radio permeating my very soul.

anyways, life continues to roll along -- surprises are rare, but i find changes are more and more common every day. if that makes any sense? i rarely do i suppose.

we're all getting busier it seems. everyone is starting to settle into phases of life.

some of us are really digging into school, some of us into careers, and some of us still searching, or perhaps dabbling in some of both. either way, i can finally see the paths i have walked with friends for so many years begin to diverge. not that this is a bad thing, nor would i ever wish for complacency or stagnation among my friends or any of their individual journeys.

nonetheless, it's an observation that is at once exciting, yet bittersweet. i know no one is actually GOING anywhere (well, with the sole exceptions being those who are already gone) but being in the same city is not the same as being in the same lives.

moreover, being in the same lives in different capacities is sometimes the same as having to adjust to people being physically away.

i'm not being all pansy or anything, it's not like i'm sitting here crying over my keyboard. i still see people, i talk to people, i keep in touch the best i can.

but when you step back, right now you can actually see us growing up. coming in and out, relationships changing, evolving, dying and blossoming. it happens all the time, but it seems with the way this school year has started, these things are going to start happening kind of in bunches.

maybe it's because i've been kind of disconnected from large groups lately. maybe my time in relative isolation has led me to exist more on my individual relationships than i have in the past. maybe my feelings are circumstantial -- but then again, maybe i'm actually changing.

regardless, this kind of perspective on life is rare for me. so i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

enough

all of you
is more than enough for
all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me
with your love
and all i have in you, is more than enough

there's so much crap that i have my heart set on. so much pride, so much envy, so much bitterness, so much selfishness. i've sung this song a million times, and it still floors me to think that i might reach the point where i'm truly content in God. that i would be able to stand in front of Him and say with honesty that His love -- His will -- is all that i want and need.

there's so much i have my heart set on. so unwilling to let go of my own desires.

but i know He's perfecting a work in me, and what He's started he has promised to finish. and that's something i can stand on.

more than enough.

hanging on for hope

its hard sometimes to keep track of where you stand in your faith -- and sometimes, whether you're standing at all. i could correlate my current malaise with falling into routine, closing myself off to others, or perhaps even being burnt out by a few strings of exhausting days. but deep down, i know all these things aren't issues that i can't't deal with.

the bigger thing -- the more frustrating thing -- is feeling disconnected from your Creator.

just feeling so helpless when you're in such a comfortable (and productive) routine, and yet knowing your priorities are so very very misplaced. i mean, i may be doing all the right things -- ok, not all, but some -- but for all the wrong reasons.

i feel like i've been so incredibly selfish, paralyzed by my own fears that God will take me places I don't want to go, because i am so comfortable with where i am in life. scared of more responsibility. scared that i could become this man who does great things for God, and yet knowing that in becoming that man, i would have to accept greater consequences for my actions. that i must be accountable to God and my brothers and sisters, and to my immediate family, more than i even believe i am capable of.

i.....feel like i'm being forced to grow up.

to stop pretending He's not asking me to do more. to be more.

i don't want to grow up. but i realize at some point, i'm going to have to.

we're all pretty old now, but that means so little. having my friends getting married, things are put in perspective in terms of the kinds of sacrifices and lifestyle changes that are going to have to occur -- inevitably -- for me to hold myself to higher standards. sacrifices suck.

it all sucks. and i don't want to do it. i want to stamp my feet, and whine like a small child. it startles me a little how resistant and defensive i become even when i think about this train of thought, and talk to...uh...myself, about it.

but i also realize very very clearly now that if i keep on resisting, if i keep ignoring all the little whispers and chances God gives me, i'm going to end up destroying every hope and dream i've ever had.

and that's possibly the one thing scary enough to move me towards the right direction.

thermal theatre

question du jour: whatever happened to carpenter pants? did they gradually become uncool? because it seems like one day they just dissapeared. in all honesty, i don't even know what happened to the pair i had.

short term goal of the moment: use my sauna sometime in the near future. i could use a nice sweat, my room is an icebox. read into that what you will.

current long term goals: talk my parents into buying a new digital camera so i can have their old one. as hand me downs go, my dad's third tier goods are usually still nicer and newer than my own.

kick push

society

i think i'm addicted to busying myself.

doing nothing used to be my forte -- now i can't stand it.

conversely, i seem to have become a social recluse. hands up if you've hung out with me recently.

yup, no hands.

tetragrammaton

congrats off the bat to the newly engaged. i couldn't be happier for you two crazy kids!!

in other news, we got whupped in dodgeball yesterday.

apparently our division has only 4 teams, so we'll have a chance to redeem ourselves against them sooner rather than later. i've decided i'm much better at real sports than at this made up crap.

basketball-rugby? what the hell is basketball rugby??

it's too bad we don't play softball. i bet we'd crush them all at that.

this time

in hindsight, my blog seems awful prophetic.

i suddenly (and thankfully) find myself employed.

surprise!

buzz saw

i have absolutely zero expectations going into this school year.

between now and next summer, absolutely anything could happen and i wouldn't be surprised.

then again, sometimes i do manage to even surprise myself.