you're alive

searching for inspiration.

i will write an awesome melody. oh yes, i will write an awesome melody.

european oils

most people would say i'm laid back, but if you have spent enough time around me, and if you've seen me in the right situations, you'd quickly learn that i'm actually a really competitive guy. in my younger days, i'd say it was actually bordering on over competitive.

with time and age however, i've learned to only be selectively competitive. i've realized there are things more important than winning, and now i'm more concerened with effort and doing things to the best of my abilities than i am with the outcome.

lately i've been finding myself unable to get motivated unless i essentially trick myself into being competitive. i make finding a job a matter of pride. i make being self-disciplined a war against the people who have a set idea about the kind of guy i am and what i'm like. at times, it's a war against myself even.

i've approached my spiritual life exactly the way i'd approach basketball -- i'm facing a challenge and doing it for the sake of pride. because i want to win. because i want to prove i'm better than you think i am.

it's a psychological thing. athletes do it all the time. kevin garnett has often been described as psyching himself up so much before games that he wants to kill the other team once he steps on the floor. kobe has thrived on the haters. even when people shower him with love, he somehow skews it in his mind into doubt, and he uses that to fuel his game.

it works for me. it makes me more productive than i could otherwise be. but i don't know if i can keep this up.

can i really WILL myself to love God? can i make it a matter of pride to be devoted? to be strong? to be sacrifical and obediant? do the means justify the end?

i feel like i'm proving to myself that i can do this. when in the end, i should be depending on Him to finish the job he started. and i do. but i'm so scared to take my hands off the wheel -- to fall into the trap of doing nothing at all with naive expectations.

is that really trust? i don't know. no one said it'd be easy, but i know things will happen in time. i will follow through the best i can. what more can i do?

He will replace the shame in my heart with fire.

what's mine is yours

looks like we have a RHF update. head on over and check out what those crazy high fivin' robots are up to now.

so speaking of learning things, although i can think coherently at 4am and get work done, it is painfully evident that the phase of my life where this was my prime productivity time is long, long gone.

what is it about night time that seems to get the creative juices flowing anyways? the only time i write anything amusing during the day is when i've just pulled an all nighter.

exhaustion breeds originality. which in my mind equates originality and stupidity to being pretty much the exact same thing.

clover

is it just me, or are bitter people just flat out more interesting than happy people? i mean seriously, compare your content and optimistic friends to your cynical and jaded friends and tell me who would keep you more engaged in a three hour conversation.

sure, it might make you feel better to hear the words "it's all good" over and over, but come on. everyone loves to hear some dellusional and irrational ranting. it's what makes conversations worth having. it's just so much more amusing seeing people spew forth vicious bile from their souls rather than just gloss everything over with a contrite little sheen, like putting an eric lindros rookie card into a plastic protective sleeve.

we're too hard on bitter people. hell, i only wish i was more bitter sometimes. i do my best work when i'm bitter. those who know me can attest to this -- nothing feeds a hateful heart better than when life gives you lemons. in fact, even when life gives me grapefruits i still find it's more fun to complain than it is to settle for being content. besides, grapefruits taste like crap, they're pink, and they're too large to carry around in a brown paper bag. who the hell wants a grapefruit?

where would we be without the egocentric? the self-focused? the narcissistic?

we'd be bored, thats where we'd be. so give a little love to your bitter side; its natures defence against a mid/quarter/any-sort-of-quasi-dead-end life crisis.

unrelated, but i bought a box of pant hangers today. although i have absolutely no use for them, at 15 cents a hanger, i have no regrets whatsoever about my purchase. if the success of my days were measured in the boxes of pant hangers i amassed, then today would be a great day. a great day indeed.

grasshoppers in honey

you know, life is a lot like a jamaican beef patty. they're cold and frozen to start, but depending on how much effort and time you put into making them, they can either come out kind of wet and droopy, or nice and flakey. and everything is filled with mildly spicy beef.

ok, so maybe life isn't like a caribbean meat pastry. man am i sick of eating patties. on the bright side, a bag of dried mangoes has appeared in the pantry. mmm...tasty.

anyways, the moral of the story is that sometimes you need to just recognize the fact that life is going to keep on keepin' on even if we try to fight it. there's a lot to be said for chasing our emotions, but there's a lot to be said for understanding when to put in work, and when to cut our losses. mistakes are made, lessons are learned. but in the end, it's at the very least a very satisfying feeling when you know that in retrospect, you actually did make the right choices using experienced gained from the past. it's like -- hey look! i'm an adult!

and as everyone knows, that's half the battle.

now that i think about it, maybe life is more like a bottle of yop....

no....no its not.

tonight i'm gone

my desktop looks awesome now. thanks to some help from ry and a spiffy new winamp skin, i must say my computer is more amusing to use now because everything just looks so damn cool. novelty is an amazing thing.

so lessons learned today are that when in doubt, don't trust anyone. if you want something done right you gotta just do it yourself dern it.

i like how maybe becomes half-truths, and things unsaid turn into things said when stories are told.

if i vow to do one thing, it's to be aware of what comes out of my mouth at all times.

also, i hate cammie. foreeeeeeever.

woodland hunter (part 1)

although that last.fm chart says "last week", it actually lists the 3 most recent songs played. i don't know why it says it's from last week, the internet is full of little tricks like that. you gotta keep your head up or you could be the next chump.

it's weird how much can change in the blink of an eye.

despite the saying 'a picture is worth a thousand words', i still think there are many things words can explain so much more precisely than an image. that might sound simplistic, but it's surprising how much visual interpretation we make in a day.

but anyways, here's some simple words -- i want to be a musician....dreams die so hard.

ghostwork

i don't know what's more upsetting -- the prospect that nobody really knows me, or that people know me way too well.

are those options mutually exclusive? oh wait, let me rephrase that; does that make for a good venn diagram?

my friends are nerds. all nerds.

feral children

it vexes me when i have a sore muscle, but do not know how to stretch it. has that ever happened to you? my inner thighs are sore, but i can honestly say i've never felt those muscles sore before. it's a completely new experience, like the first time my butt was sore after a dragonboat practice. in hindsight, it took me an entire month before i figured out how to stretch my butt. i still have time.

the search for a job enters week two after a relaxing and enjoyable weekend on the slopes. i've decided after this weekend to put hot-tubs fairly high on my list of "things that will probably end up getting me killed", right between "fast food" and "chivalry".

i have a long list of bookmarked jobs that i am in the process of applying to systematically. i have ones that i'd prefer to get, but unlike any other job search i've ever conducted, i have to admit that this is probably the least picky i've ever been.

it has been pointed out by some that i (literally) tend to throw money around. and i'll concede that it's true -- i don't have the kind of respect for money that i really should because i've just come by it so easily in my life. be it jobs that i aquired without much effort, or just serendipitous windfalls, money has never been a problem for me.

as a result, i tend to think of it as...not a big deal. i don't follow up very closely when people owe me money, and treat others even when i don't have a steady income. i act like it grows on trees. i haven't decided if this is a bad thing, but i am undoubtedly starting to realize the pragmatic implications of my attitude.

i am....going to be poor. and this is of course by design, as anyone who knows me has probably discovered i have a disdain for being well-heeled. yet....bear no grudge against the well-heeled lifestyle. it's like this conflict, where i don't want to stop treating myself well, but refuse to not feel guilty for it. my hypocrisy makes my head hurt.

maybe the time has come for me to admit that i need to just learn to be thankful for what i have instead of worry about why i have it. maybe i'm not as bad as i think i am. maybe....i should be worrying about more important things?

arc of a journey

it's pretty amazing how different a day can be if you just chug through the initial painfulness. even the worst days can turn around with some luck and perspective.

things i've learned today....

- i had an inkling, but now it's confirmed: i hate the bus
- winning a free coffee can jump me from content to ecstatic pretty easily
- days where i do not leave my house should forever be banned from my existance
- it takes my backpack about 3 hours to go from soaking wet to bone dry
- my parents are only getting more absent-minded with every passing day
- i'm starting to feel bad when i make fun of them for it

am i getting soft, or is the reality of the situation finally not cool to make fun of anymore? i don't know.

a plain morning

so, does anyone actually remember what life was like before the internet?

i was talking to irene earlier this week and we were saying how naked we felt without our cell phones. so strangely helpless. it's amazing we went half our lives without those little things. how did anyone get anything organized? i don't remember.

anyways, here's an interesting story. i might have mentioned this before, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately.

a few summers ago i got a job selling subscriptions to the national post. so i was doing my thing, out in front of a food basic store with my little booth and stack of newspapers.

this old jewish lady walks up to me, and we strike up a conversation about various newspapers. she says she hates the star, and happily obliges to subscribe to the senior rate.

somehow, we get onto the topic of me, and how i ended up standing in my dress pants in the vestibule of a budget grocery store in the middle of my summer vacation. she tells me she worked all sorts of crappy jobs once, and never regretted any mistake. and she says to me this quirky little quote that i'll probably never forget:

you gotta be young and stupid before you can be old and wise.

i never ever forgot that. sometimes i expect myself to know it all and do it all the way its suppose to be done. i mean, i'll be honest -- i've done a lot of stupid things in my time. but i can't say i didn't glean valuable experiences from them.

am i proud? no. but i learned. i have to catch myself everytime i say to someone "i feel old", because....i'm not. there's this huge margin of error for us to work with. we should probably take advantage of that while we can.

end of freedom

a lot of times people wonder why i'm so attached to my car. i tend to mention that it breaks a lot, not breakdown, but just....break. electrical stuff, control arms, minor details that add up to be annoying and expensive to repair. the maintanence on that sucker is probably more than i should stand(or my family cares to pay).

and yet, i wouldn't trade it in for the world. and if i could have any new car, i'd love to buy a brand new audi/vw and stick within the family.

why? why do i love the hassle? the inconveniance?

because....these cars have personality. they're fun. i can grow close to them. i don't know anyone attached to their corolla, because they're so...utilitarian and sterile.

i love the funky blue lights. the tight and responsive steering. the perfect weight of the perfectly sized and shaped wheel. even the location of the dead pedal.

it all just feels....right.

i've had more good memories in my car than i can remember. it'll be a sad day when i finally have to put it down.

between the bars

there's something poetic in the way that life manages to twist us around. when we feel like things are all figured out, we always get put in our place. we know nothing.

it's the universe. it's god. it's all those things.

we can't pretend to understand why things happen when they do.

"no one sets out to be a great man. just be a man, and let history decide"

what else can you do?

post plethoric rhetoric

i rejoin the ranks of the unemployed with a new look.

comments to come.

the moon is a harsh mistress

there are certain things i've come to take for granted.

i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning.
there will be orange juice, soya milk (and for some reason recently, yop) in my fridge.

maybe it's a stretch to expect myself to take every breath as a blessing. maybe i don't know how to be anything but jaded about cliches like that, and don't (or can't) react to them practically.

alls i know is that there's no reason i should be here. no good reason at least. and yet i am.

there are some days where i go my whole waking hours without once thinking of God. about why i woke up, about why i drank that glass of oj, about why i'm going to work, or reading a book. there are entire chunks of time where i just exist.

often i wonder if that makes me a bad christian. after all, i'm not living for God. not passionately furthering His kingdom. not running the good race, or fighting the good fight. sometimes i wonder if the fact that at times i'm so content just drinking a cup of coffee that God is just shrugging his shoulders unsure of what to do with me -- kind of like rob babcock, overseeing a basketball team.

am i going to be one of those dudes that shows up in front of God and he says "who the hell are you?"

is only knowing what not to do good enough? should i know what i am suppose to be doing?

but i always end up with that sinking feeling where no matter how much i screw up, God still loves me. that's what the bible says. that's what the church says. God will love me no matter what.

i hate that about God. like, seriously. i mean, i get mad at God. i get frustrated, i get pissed. but come on. how mad can you really get at a guy who in the back of your mind you know 100% loves you all the time?

it's so frustrating.

you know that sickly feeling you get while watching the Ernest movies, or inspector gadget, where with baited breath and non-diagetic information you painfully watch the bumbling hero?

that's how i feel sometimes about my life. just one fortunate happenstance after another to such an extent that i cannot even fathom how lucky i am.

not to say that's a bad thing. not everything has gone my way. and there's lots to come that i'm probably going to regret (there's a healthy attitude eh?). but i know that on days where i wake up with a basket full of lemons, God's always there to help me make lemonade.

even if sometimes i want to kill him for it.

is that blasphemy? god i'm screwed.

christ, i cursed.

fudgscicles.

rise up with fists

canadians are a wacky bunch.

we're terrifically demanding and highly critical, and yet characteristically disposed to not getting involved. we love to say. we hate to do.

win more medals. don't whine about carrying the flag.
dominate world hockey. don't run up the scores.

what do people expect? that we crush everyone in the world with grace? that we pick a comfortable and non-offensive margin of victory and simply try and maintain it?

it doesn't take an army of sports psychologists to figure out the reason canadians tend to choke in the crunch: we're afraid to be cocky. we lack arrogance. confidance. the swager that all the best have when rising to a challenge. the belief that we are better than you.

we're not winners. we're gracious losers. and until we realize that, until we stop being sorry for who we are, we'll continue to be just that. losers.

conversely, antagonizing our best when they do perform does nothing to remedy this situation.

******

in completely unrelated news, all the talk on the forum, and the recent passing of valentines day have gotten me on the subject of dating. and i've come to a staggering conclusion regarding how women view the concept of dating.

now, maybe i'm wrong, me being a mere man and all, but allow me to theorize about that mysterious planet venus you all live on for one moment, while at the same time explaing to girls the thrill of........the NBA draft.

yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen. dating for girls, and the NBA draft, are essentially the exact same game. thrilling, dissapointing, and ultimately, hit or miss and full of would have, could have, should have.

what do teams look for in potential draft picks? coachability, athleticism, work ethic, fundementals, background, experience, and perhaps most importantly -- upside.

similarly, we can break down the way girls approach men with a parllel set of catagories.

they seek the exact same quantifiable qualities -- coachability, athleticism, work ethic, fundementals, background, experience, and most importantly......UPSIDE.

sure. as that bitter asian guy site notes, girls COULD go out with the perfectly decent and providing asian engineer who has a good career and stable lifestyle.

but why do that when you could go out with the more attractive guy who -- though kind of a slacker right now -- has the potential (with your guidance naturally) to be so much more. to be smart, providing, an excellent listener, AND better looking, funnier, more adept at sports and various artistic endeavours. the whole damn package. and you can make it happen if you could just work on him.

sure, at first this idea sounds retarded. you can't shape a guy. you can't turn him into something if he naturally is not inclined for it. but this is what NBA teams do all the time.

it's the safe bet versus the gamble.

it's darko vs. melo

and every pick in the draft is made for a reason. just like every girl chooses a guy for a reason.

josh smith is the quintessential guy that girls gravitate to -- you can't be sure, but you just KNOW there's got to be something great in there. look at all that potential! he's smart but doesn't try in school. he's ludicrously well rounded but doesn't have the work ethic. he's pretty good already, but he could be so much better..... and boy is he fun to watch.

tim duncan is the all-around med student who everyone loves but is inherently boring. marry him and you won't be dissapointed, although life will be utterly predictable. boring, but ultimately, always for the best.

lebron is the phenom that comes around once every 100 years. marry him and you're probably the luckiest girl alive. he's tom brady with a PhD and gourmet catering company.

gilbert arenas is like the nerd who eventually becomes rich and suddenly hey -- turns out he's not so bad looking after all to boot.

so as we can see, girls view guys much like GM's view basketball players.

playing the game of life is not much different from drafting for an NBA team. you have to scout. you have to understand the game, and understand what your team needs. it's a dangerous game.

for every kevin garnet there's a jonathan bender. yet no team wins a championship with a lineup full of patt garrity's.

and perhaps most of all ladies, if there's one thing we've learned?

always. always take the best player available.

worms

brazilian bobsled doper

wow. that must be embarrassing on so many levels.

i'm curious -- is it just natural that gay guys go into careers like fashion and interior design, or do guys go into those careers and figure "well, i must be gay"?

also, i keep forgetting, but our favourite ming has started his own little corner of the web. it's not quite a blog, he tends to like to review stuff. as such, your personally and friends have been recruited to help him be judgmental.

www.robotichighfive.com

the fix

a lot of times, we lose sight of the big picture. i'm worried that i didn't dress warmly enough today, and almost missed the fact that the falling snow is absolutely gorgeous.

it's easy to get so immersed and focused on what we have right in front of us that we simply forget how expansive our lives are. yes, there are the small things we often miss -- yet on the other hand, there are also so many things outside of our immediate field of vision that we so often take for granted.

why do we love to limit ourselves? to paint ourselves into these little boxes and assume this box is where my life begins and ends?

it's so cliche, but everyday i feel the need to remind myself what my priorities are. to look beyond my little box and realize that there's more going on out there than just the things right in front of me.

we are so easily distracted. passion brings about focus.

what brings about passion?

the game needed me

Implicit Association Test

it's interesting how stereotypes come to be. i would never deny that due to cultural stigma, due to media coverage, due to social acquiescence i have been programmed to think and feel a certain way.

but when we really explore how deep these stereotypes are buried, how hard they are to ignore despite our best efforts, it becomes not just interesting, but borderline disturbing.

when you realize with horror that you're having a hard time answering the questions all of a sudden, you can't stop yourself. you keep making mistakes. you can't change it. it's such a surreal feeling.

the crazy thing is, getting a "preference for white people" in an IAT doesn't mean you're a biggot -- it means you're aware of the world around you.

there is no discrimination when it comes to cultural bombardment. challenge yourself.

only this moment

i have rediscovered a passion.

television.

it's odd how i just stopped watching tv outside of sports for the longest time, but i can't help but notice that there has been a gradual paradigm shift in the landscape of television shows, emphasising story telling over characters. things are cyclical, but i must say i find the recent wave of shows to be much more worth my time than say, friends reruns or new episodes of joey.

it's pretty clear that the sitcom has passed away. from what i can see, the best shows on tv are all one hour long. hell, even scrubs is an hour. it just seems people have realized that the amount of involvement that can be imbued on a one hour tale is worth more than twice the timeslot. good on them.

i also find that the shows i'm most interested in are all the satirical and darkly witty ones. the shows that are self-depreciating but only so far as life itself is.

well, except for project runway. that's an awesome show, but purely because of the competition and the fact that fashion designers were genetically programmed to be enjoyable characters to watch on tv.

showtime seems to have cornered the market on jaded and compelling underdog female characters that you love to root for. i can't stop watching dead like me, and weeds.

honestly, most everything that's good has already been done. even scrubs is sort of just my new version of undergrads, which in turn was sort of my new version of growing pains meets saved by the bell meets the wonder years.

but weeds....is original. it's outrageous, but real enough that you believe the characters, because they're so...human. also, the premise is awesome. they couldn't have screwed this show up if they tried, but as it is.....best....show.....ever.

i hear lost and battlestar galactica are good too, but there probably isn't enough sexual content in those shows to keep me interested. for example, it helps that the main character in weeds is ridiculously good looking. she plays a mother of two, but who cares. yummmm

yea, i said it. what? what?