When picking with whom to face the zombie apocalypse, bear in mind the following helpful tips:
Three's for undead certainty, four makes zombies turn and flee!
Nobody wants to fend off a ravaging pack of brain eating zombies alone. Two is great, but when back to back, you are assuming your peripheral vision is 100 per cent able to detect the sneaky buggers who attack when you might be distracted. Why take that risk? Three, of course, is great, because you can stand in a triangle and cover most of the visual area. But four is the party size you want.
Not only do four people conveniently fit into most vehicles, but having four individuals facing outwards guarantees complete visual reconnoissance with four sets of weapons to defend yourself. Moreover, should you have any injured party members, you can in a pinch surround him/her/it and have three outward facing pals for protection.
Surely, you might wonder then, why five or even more are not ideal. One reason, as noted before, is that five people don't always fit into cars as conveniently. Many pickup trucks and 2+2 sedans will fit 4 folks comfortably, but not 5. Moreover, having 5 results in a star formation when facing outwards, sometimes causing overlap in weapons and attention targeting during those crazy zombie skirmishes. Remember, efficiency is key in helping you survive the zombie apocalypse! Finally, 4 is the Chinese word for death -- what better way to show those undead buggers that the collapse of humanity hasn't dampened your ironic sense of humour!
Be special!
There's nothing wrong with being pretty darn good at everything. Obviously, you want to surround yourself with talented, intelligent and most importantly, likable individuals for your time fending off the undead -- after all, nobody wants to fight for their lives while listening to Boring Bob awkwardly retell that story about how he didn't get to tell his wife he loved her. How boring!
On top of being multi-faceted in your competency and physical health however, it is always encouraged that one assemble a party for fighting zombies inclusive of people with skills specifically relevant to the task at hand. Ever used a firearm before? Might want to bring along that chum who you know has a closet full of gun magazines -- that knowledge and marksmanship might just come in handy! Even better are trained individuals, such as police, security or military backgrounds, since they know the basics about myriad weaponry, but can also provide helpful tips for basic self defense against the undead. Nothing shows a zombie you mean business like a well timed judo throw!
Some other specialists who you might find handy include folks who practice: wilderness survivalists, car theft, carpentry, first aid, origami, electrical gadgetry, computer hacking, breaking and entering, hotness, piloting, boating, manipulating strangers, and pastry baking.
Remember to constantly inventory your social network to ensure you have access to at least one person with each of the above listed skills, and ideally more (zombies can sometimes be wildly unhelpful with who they decide to eat that day). If you currently do not have at least one friend who has one of the above mentioned skills, or perhaps you simply have no friends, don't worry! Simply build relationships based on lies and false platitudes in order to make that acquaintance. Nobody will care if Smelly Sarah smells bad as long as she can hot-wire that station wagon in under 15 seconds flat!
The one caveat of course, is if you yourself possess none of these skills. Heaven forbid that you are not even physically and mentally competent in all facets of basic zombie survival! Ha ha ha!
If that is the case however, there are several ways you can still make the final days of civilization much more pleasant for yourself. Simply boss people around! Everyone loves a manager, after all, and if you provide large quantities of ideas, eventually some of them are bound to be useful! If you can earn the role of delegation, your practical short-fallings will be greatly minimized by how involved and encouraging you are to all the other members of your party. Be a great team leader ("great headshot Jared!"), and nobody will be mad if your plan fails. Heck, even if it was a bad plan, who cares! At least you did your best and you're not going to die alone. Mission successful!
Have a plan B! (the B is for "backup")
Say you have picked your three zombie apocalypse chums and after a day or two of bickering about who gets to carry the chainsaw, you decide perhaps you've made a mistake. This is not a problem, and is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's much more common than you think. Thankfully, there are plenty of fish on the sea!
If it is one particular individual bothering you, simply organize a ruse which leads to them sacrificing themselves to save the rest of the party! He or She gets to die a hero, and you are rid of that incessant nagging about forgetting to lock the doors in the nuclear shelter. Win-win!
If it is the unfortunate circumstance where you are unhappy with all of your party, it is most efficient to wait for a chance meeting with another group of zombies survivors, at which point negotiations may begin on creating new parties out of the gathered individuals. A situation such as this would be where the skills of hotness and stranger manipulation would come in most handy.
Finally, when planning your party, the most important aspect of your backup plan should be that at least ONE of your three friends is significantly slower than you. This serves dual purposes. Sometimes, if your slow friend is being chased after a zombie fight that doesn't go your way (happens to the best of us, but you'll get them next time!) you can perhaps save them by reaching your hand out of a moving vehicle, or providing cover fire near an exit or entrance. This makes you look great, not only in terms of projecting skills onto you you may not have, but by giving you loyalty points. If you save others, they'll probably at least try to save you! Everybody is happy!
If you cannot save your slow friend however, it is important that you are faster than them. Because otherwise, you would be eaten by zombies, instead of your slow friend. I'm not calling zombies lazy -- don't get me wrong -- but everybody would agree that it's always nice to eat sooner rather than later when you're hungry, right? Right. Yeaaaa, I'm right! Ha ha ha!
Hopefully this has been a helpful guide in preparing you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Remember, just because they're undead doesn't mean you can't enjoy killing them! Your final days on planet Earth will go by much more happily as long as you think of it as you getting to shoot them, instead of trying to not have them eat you. Be positive!
Pick your party wisely, and happy hunting!
Chuck Klosterman could only exist in America.
