so as i was about to fall asleep yesterday, i (as i habitually do nowadays) reached for my devos and prayed.
little did i expect to have my prayers answered to bluntly.
i think every time i do devos i pray the same thing generally. that God would speak to me through His word, and through my devo materials (my utmost for his highest) and that i would listen. simple enough, but over the last few weeks i've found this process increasingly difficult. I wasn't sure what it was, but i felt disjointed in my walk. I felt as though i couldn't quite hear what God wanted from me.
I knew that it was a matter of my heart, but i couldn't figure out what it was. all i wanted was to know my Lord more, and for some reason i couldn't. I'd been totally stunted in the last few weeks, i'd stopped growing it felt like, stopped being challenged. I wasn't angry....or sad, or anything, but i knew i was complacent. and i couldn't figure out why i couldn't kick my own apathy.
so i opened up devos last night.....and this is what i read.
*****************************************************************
September 24
The "Go" of Preparation
If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift
—Matthew 5:23-24
It is easy for us to imagine that we will suddenly come to a point in our lives where we are fully prepared, but preparation is not suddenly accomplished. In fact, it is a process that must be steadily maintained. It is dangerous to become settled and complacent in our present level of experience. The Christian life requires preparation and more preparation.
The sense of sacrifice in the Christian life is readily appealing to a new Christian. From a human standpoint, the one thing that attracts us to Jesus Christ is our sense of the heroic, and a close examination of us by our Lord’s words suddenly puts this tide of enthusiasm to the test. ". . . go your way. First be reconciled to your brother. . . ." The "go" of preparation is to allow the Word of God to examine you closely. Your sense of heroic sacrifice is not good enough. The thing the Holy Spirit will detect in you is your nature that can never work in His service. And no one but God can detect that nature in you. Do you have anything to hide from God? If you do, then let God search you with His light. If there is sin in your life, don’t just admit it—confess it. Are you willing to obey your Lord and Master, whatever the humiliation to your right to yourself may be?
Never disregard a conviction that the Holy Spirit brings to you. If it is important enough for the Spirit of God to bring it to your mind, it is the very thing He is detecting in you. You were looking for some big thing to give up, while God is telling you of some tiny thing that must go. But behind that tiny thing lies the stronghold of obstinacy, and you say, "I will not give up my right to myself"—the very thing that God intends you to give up if you are to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.
*******************************************************************
I think every once in a while.....when God's nudging, and whispering, and hinting to you, it gets really easy to ignore it. You think - "well.....i'm moseying along in my walk, surely these little things are no big deal...." but praise God! every so often He'll beat you over the head until you stop dawdling and pay attention to Him.
i know that i've been.....unfocused. with my life, with my spiritual walk, with so much thats going on around me. and the one thought that has been really running through my mind that i've paid no heed to recently is the thought from 'Mere Christianity" where Lewis writes that God doesn't want part of us. He wants all of us. He's not here to make us better, He's here to make us perfect, and if we're committing ourselves to Him, then there's not stopping God from completing his work in us.
Only I can prevent God from working in me. to use a cliche, i suppose that is our gift, and that is our curse. He loved us enough to trust us, so that this responsibility would mean something. It means if we're up to it, we have to Love Him. and that means we have to let Him work. not partially. not to the point where we're content with our own sense of self-satisfaction, but totally. absolutely.
it's encouraging. but it's at the same time unnerving, and that bothers me. why do i doubt?? When Peter walked on water, it was by the Grace of Jesus that he was able to perform this miracle. Yet ....
...when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"
When they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
Matthew 14:30-32
I have issues with trusting God. ultimately, that's been the problem all along. I worry where I'm going to get money from....I worry that i'm not disciplined enough to do well in school, i worry that i'm not maintaining my relationship well enough, etc. etc....i worry about how little i can do, and yet still i refuse to adhere to God's will because i don't have the faith to put things into His hands and give them up out of my own control. I'm scared. but thank you God for being my comforter. For being faithful, and calming the storms, so that when the next storm comes, i may have peace in my heart by keeping my eyes on You.
It's just so cool that.....through confusion, God can suddenly cut through it all.....right to my heart. That even when i'm not willing to admit what i need, God knows. God knows me better than i know myself, and that's so amazing, because it means He will provide for me what i need better than i can, and better than i expect or think.
Praise the Lord!
Sep 25, 2003
Sep 23, 2003
merchants of cool:
this documentary really made me think about the process and system of our culture, and about the significance and meaning of the word "cool" in society as i know it. what is cool?
how much of what we consider cool is due to the bombardment on consumers from media conglomerates, and how much is actually my personal taste? it reminds me of josie and the pussycats a little bit.
do i really like that shirt? or do i only like it because i've been "educated" to like it? how can one possibly be unique, individual, when what's unique and individual is rapidly being co-opted and spit out by the marketing machine?
what does it mean to be avant-garde? is it possible to truely be avant-garde and still be a functional member of society? can you live a high quality of life and still stand against the established media and marketers?
i find it strange that as a faculty, MIT strives to be counter intuitive. to go against the grain for the sake of be non-conformist. but the second you're doing something FOR THE SAKE of being non-conformist, aren't you really just conforming? odd. odd indeed.
this documentary really made me think about the process and system of our culture, and about the significance and meaning of the word "cool" in society as i know it. what is cool?
how much of what we consider cool is due to the bombardment on consumers from media conglomerates, and how much is actually my personal taste? it reminds me of josie and the pussycats a little bit.
do i really like that shirt? or do i only like it because i've been "educated" to like it? how can one possibly be unique, individual, when what's unique and individual is rapidly being co-opted and spit out by the marketing machine?
what does it mean to be avant-garde? is it possible to truely be avant-garde and still be a functional member of society? can you live a high quality of life and still stand against the established media and marketers?
i find it strange that as a faculty, MIT strives to be counter intuitive. to go against the grain for the sake of be non-conformist. but the second you're doing something FOR THE SAKE of being non-conformist, aren't you really just conforming? odd. odd indeed.
Sep 19, 2003
Watch this 53 minute special from PBS: Merchants Of Cool
it's both thought provoking and enlightening, yet strangely disgusting in the way that you're disgusted when someone describes to you the biological aspect of being thrown into space without a spacesuit.
it's both thought provoking and enlightening, yet strangely disgusting in the way that you're disgusted when someone describes to you the biological aspect of being thrown into space without a spacesuit.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
>
> >deosn't mttaer in
> >waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
>iprmoetnt
> >tihng is taht
> >the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
> >
> >The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
>it
> >wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
>not raed
> >ervey lteter by
> >istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
i've gotten this forward at least 4 times. does no one take into context that this only works because we understand the context in which words are used? if those jumbled sentences made no sense, we'd never be able to read them.
i.e
hpaenps wrduenofl, stkciy fiurt tweor
it doesn't seem so....i dunno.....crazy and amazing when you realize how much more difficult it is to read what i just wrote plus i mixed up the letters into a more difficult to read order.....interesting that the email forward mixes the letters into not very challenging "messes".
oh well. we are an easily amused people indeed.
p.s.
i wrote 'happens wonderful, sticky fruit tower"\'
>
> >deosn't mttaer in
> >waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
>iprmoetnt
> >tihng is taht
> >the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
> >
> >The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
>it
> >wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
>not raed
> >ervey lteter by
> >istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
i've gotten this forward at least 4 times. does no one take into context that this only works because we understand the context in which words are used? if those jumbled sentences made no sense, we'd never be able to read them.
i.e
hpaenps wrduenofl, stkciy fiurt tweor
it doesn't seem so....i dunno.....crazy and amazing when you realize how much more difficult it is to read what i just wrote plus i mixed up the letters into a more difficult to read order.....interesting that the email forward mixes the letters into not very challenging "messes".
oh well. we are an easily amused people indeed.
p.s.
i wrote 'happens wonderful, sticky fruit tower"\'
Sep 18, 2003
****click here****
what she's saying it seems is that hip-hop has been
co-opted by mainstream (read: non-black) culture and the
symbolism behind hip-hop needs to go back to its roots
as the legacy of Africa and its people. I guess
essentially what i'm arguing is that the absorbtion of
hip-hop into mainstream culture according to this author
is the high-jacking of Black culture by non-blacks.
there is merit to this, but not to point where there is
literally some sort of scheme to brainwash black youths.
Has it ever occured to her that the "co-opting of hip-hop"
has been embraced by black culture too? she herself
disagreed with Source magazine, an influential voice in
the African-American community. Is she more black than the
editors at Source mag? is she more black than Jay-Z?
what the hell does it even MEAN to be "more black"??
opinions can differ. her be-all-end-all argument that
hip-hop is inherently African seems to run into a wall
when the flag bearers of hip-hop culture say that isn't
necessarily the case.
those "flag bearers" aren't real hip-hop you say? they're sellouts you say?
frauds? confused? sacrificed to the machinations of capitalism?
well, i guess i wouldn't know. i'm asian. i'm not black enough to discern
what's real and what isn't. I'll be out back figuringout ways to
reinvent the sound of picking rice so i dont offend the author and
impede her on her quest for freedom and black power.....
.....BY ALIENATING OTHER BLACKS
[this is the kind of crap i have to talk about in school. i guess it could be worse]
what she's saying it seems is that hip-hop has been
co-opted by mainstream (read: non-black) culture and the
symbolism behind hip-hop needs to go back to its roots
as the legacy of Africa and its people. I guess
essentially what i'm arguing is that the absorbtion of
hip-hop into mainstream culture according to this author
is the high-jacking of Black culture by non-blacks.
there is merit to this, but not to point where there is
literally some sort of scheme to brainwash black youths.
Has it ever occured to her that the "co-opting of hip-hop"
has been embraced by black culture too? she herself
disagreed with Source magazine, an influential voice in
the African-American community. Is she more black than the
editors at Source mag? is she more black than Jay-Z?
what the hell does it even MEAN to be "more black"??
opinions can differ. her be-all-end-all argument that
hip-hop is inherently African seems to run into a wall
when the flag bearers of hip-hop culture say that isn't
necessarily the case.
those "flag bearers" aren't real hip-hop you say? they're sellouts you say?
frauds? confused? sacrificed to the machinations of capitalism?
well, i guess i wouldn't know. i'm asian. i'm not black enough to discern
what's real and what isn't. I'll be out back figuringout ways to
reinvent the sound of picking rice so i dont offend the author and
impede her on her quest for freedom and black power.....
.....BY ALIENATING OTHER BLACKS
[this is the kind of crap i have to talk about in school. i guess it could be worse]
Sep 17, 2003
Sep 15, 2003
I'm currently sitting on the floor of tina's room on my laptop. it seems i've had internet everywhere except my own room. it's a long story, but at the very least we have internet at our house now, we just have yet to setup our network and right now the router in tina's room is very far from my room, so until we either get a wireless router or figure out an easier way to wire my room, i'll just sit on her floor when i need access. while i'm here, decided it was time for a post.
Cal found this somewhere. I thought it was pretty neat.
"You know in romantic comedies when the lead and their love interest are in the scene where they are at a dinner party with tons of other guests and conversation is going on all around them, some of which they are even involved in, for they are the leading couple, but then there is that moment. You know, the moment where the couple’s eyes lock. They communicate without any words spoken. Things no one else is aware of. They are still present with everyone else but they have checked out for a bit. This individual, romantic experience is had and no one else has any clue. There is something similar that happens in the corporate worship experience that is truly amazing and transcending. I mean we know that our convening with God is not confined to any specific moment of any specific day, so what makes, say, a Sunday morning any more special than a Tuesday in the middle of traffic on our drive home? Is God less present on Tuesday? No. Yet, there is something so different and other than when we are in a room full of people that have gathered in the name of Christ. But the thing that really sends my head spinning is that we can be in the middle of this corporate experience and feel like we have the sole attention of God. In the middle of a crowd, it’s just the two of us in this beautiful exchange. And these other individual’s voices who believe, no less than I, to have his total attention start to blend with mine. It doesn’t lessen my individual experience it only deepens and heightens the romance somehow. All of these individual voices blending to one. "
Cal found this somewhere. I thought it was pretty neat.
"You know in romantic comedies when the lead and their love interest are in the scene where they are at a dinner party with tons of other guests and conversation is going on all around them, some of which they are even involved in, for they are the leading couple, but then there is that moment. You know, the moment where the couple’s eyes lock. They communicate without any words spoken. Things no one else is aware of. They are still present with everyone else but they have checked out for a bit. This individual, romantic experience is had and no one else has any clue. There is something similar that happens in the corporate worship experience that is truly amazing and transcending. I mean we know that our convening with God is not confined to any specific moment of any specific day, so what makes, say, a Sunday morning any more special than a Tuesday in the middle of traffic on our drive home? Is God less present on Tuesday? No. Yet, there is something so different and other than when we are in a room full of people that have gathered in the name of Christ. But the thing that really sends my head spinning is that we can be in the middle of this corporate experience and feel like we have the sole attention of God. In the middle of a crowd, it’s just the two of us in this beautiful exchange. And these other individual’s voices who believe, no less than I, to have his total attention start to blend with mine. It doesn’t lessen my individual experience it only deepens and heightens the romance somehow. All of these individual voices blending to one. "
Sep 9, 2003
back at the library. i'm slowly beginning to cherish the online opportunity being here brings.
that is....until we get internet at home.....at which point i'll probably never step foot into this building again until i have an overdue book to return.....
i have to say being in the frigid confines of the computer lab aren't really condusive to deep and analytical thinking, so i don't have much to share on that front. it'll just have to wait until i'm in more of a philisophical mood i suppose. but to tide you all over, here are some random observations from my first week back here in london.
- there are a dissproportionate amount of blondes on this campus. either western is the centre of all blonde jokes, or there's a shortage of hair dye somewhere.
- "energy conservation" is not applicable to educational institutions (at least from what i've seen)
- everyone has a laptop
- the best profs are all hippies
- internet is vital to a university student's life
- art has been commodified to a point where trying to be avant garde has lost all sense of meaning
- most students only care about grades as opposed to what they're actually learning
- most students care more about getting days off on their schedule than grades
- multiculturalism is a sham reserved for university admissions books and macleans pictorials
- if you're cynical and jaded coming into school, you'll love it here
- fellowship is really really really really important
and now to go eat a dinner of hotdogs and maybe some imitation fruit loops. mmm.....
that is....until we get internet at home.....at which point i'll probably never step foot into this building again until i have an overdue book to return.....
i have to say being in the frigid confines of the computer lab aren't really condusive to deep and analytical thinking, so i don't have much to share on that front. it'll just have to wait until i'm in more of a philisophical mood i suppose. but to tide you all over, here are some random observations from my first week back here in london.
- there are a dissproportionate amount of blondes on this campus. either western is the centre of all blonde jokes, or there's a shortage of hair dye somewhere.
- "energy conservation" is not applicable to educational institutions (at least from what i've seen)
- everyone has a laptop
- the best profs are all hippies
- internet is vital to a university student's life
- art has been commodified to a point where trying to be avant garde has lost all sense of meaning
- most students only care about grades as opposed to what they're actually learning
- most students care more about getting days off on their schedule than grades
- multiculturalism is a sham reserved for university admissions books and macleans pictorials
- if you're cynical and jaded coming into school, you'll love it here
- fellowship is really really really really important
and now to go eat a dinner of hotdogs and maybe some imitation fruit loops. mmm.....
Sep 8, 2003
at weldon on my laptop right now. finally get a chance to update the blog, although i have no pics or anything on my laptop so we'll all have to live with irene and wendy a bit longer. at the very least, its nice having internet on my laptop instead of depending on the library computers. they suck.
also it's an excuse to get used to typing on this thing.
classes have been interesting thusfar. for some reason i'm strangely interested in actually learning this year. i've been void of this feeling my entire academic past, but for some reason the last few days i've been really encouraged to actually utilize the privilage i have of being here studing things i'm actually interested in. i talk to some of my profs and i feel the slightest hint of......admiration??? who AM I???
also it's an excuse to get used to typing on this thing.
classes have been interesting thusfar. for some reason i'm strangely interested in actually learning this year. i've been void of this feeling my entire academic past, but for some reason the last few days i've been really encouraged to actually utilize the privilage i have of being here studing things i'm actually interested in. i talk to some of my profs and i feel the slightest hint of......admiration??? who AM I???
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