156

is.....is this seriously a little knot in my stomache?

what is this? this strange....feeling....

get it together yau.

snow brigade

been watching morgan spurlock's "30 days" show recently. i find it really interesting and endearing in an "extreme home makeover" kind of way. except this show is not only emotionally heartwarming at its best moments, but actually informative and educational as well. it's kind of like "wife swap", but with a cultural/ethical bent. everyone should check it out, especially if you liked supersize me.

i should be asleep, but i can't stop thinking about stuff. like, all sorts of stuff. things i have to do, things i never did, things i can't control, things i must control. i guess when you realize what a juggling act every day is, life can seem rather intimidating. double, triple booking my days and just trying to squeeze everything in before school starts -- its enough to drive a guy to insomnia.

this past sunday, i was actually planning to sleep through church again. sometimes i just go to bed on saturday nights and i think to myself "i'd rather sleep". so i turn off my alarm, and just plan to not wake up until noon. i tell people i slept in when they ask at times, but the truth is half the time i just...skipped...church. not exactly the kind of thing i'm proud of, but i'm not going to lie and say just because i teach sunday school, or play a guitar, that these things don't happen.

the thing is, church to me is a lot like class. i *know*i should go. and i know that if i go, i'll like it, and enjoy it, and learn from it. yet sometimes i'm just so indifferent towards something i know is good that i don't even care that it's good. how sad is that?

anyways, so for some reason my my mom left early for church sunday, and my dad walks in and says he's hitching a ride with me.

argh. my restful plans foiled.

so i wander into service 30 minutes late with my medium regular in hand, and spend most of the service playing little funny face games with the little kids in the overflow. to be honest, i don't even know what the sermon was about, but i do remember one single question being asked by pastor tim: "what is your refuge?"

even though i've retained almost nothing from sunday, that question has stuck with me. it is in my mind, because i know my refuge is not God. it's music. it's sports. it's friends. it's sleep. it's tv. it's reading. God is so far down that list it makes me shake my head, yet i can't force myself to care more. actually, often God is my *last* option. my deperation hail mary pass. my cliched and metaphorical emotional crutch.

sometimes i think it sucks being Christian. it's so much work -- so mentally and morally straining when things could just be simple. it's...tiring. and yet i know where the truth in my life has always been. and despite it all, at the end of the day i just can't deny that truth.

it's who i am. it's rewarding beyond anything i've ever known, if i would just let myself be committed to it. what else is new eh?

trying to learn to take refuge in God is my ultimate goal. it encompasses everything i know i need -- prayer, quiet time, obediance, relationship building. things i know i should be striving for but hardly ever do.

i guess admitting you have a problem is always step one.

everyone always makes a big deal abouts step one.

i'm finding in all honesty, every step only gets harder. for anyone who knows me, prolonged hard work is my kryptonite.

wish me luck.

chicken pox

oh man....what a week.

sleep has been a premium commodity, and i'm running on fumes. i wish i could have been in town to hang out with certain cool people before they went back to calgary -- my sincerest apologies for not getting a chance to say farewell. i promise we'll (me and my heterosexual life partner) will one of these days make it out to visit. PROMISE.

so despite my aforementioned bad personal scheduling, chicago was again a whirlwind of good friends catching up. most of that catching up took place while shopping and stuffing our faces full of food. that's multitasking in the best possible way.

thanks to everyone for the lodging, having us over, feeding us, letting us interrupt quality time with our stupidity, and of course for being all-around so awesome to be worth visiting to begin with.

i went down there armed with only $100 in cash, and i returned with a trunk-load of clothes, bags,and shoes.

mmm....shopping. how i have missed the feeling of sating my sad sad materialistic desires....

in other news, i've concluded that between me, steph, and des, our mutual presence actually creates a rip in the fabric of reality that lowers the collective maturity in a fifteen metre radius of us. we're like the bermuda triangle of rational thinking; the area51 of common sense; the brain of your average female human being.

some might say we're bad people (hallway-bar-face-girl, for example). i have nothing to say in our defense. but i wouldn't have it any other way. good times....good times.

hug it out bitches.

the dogs of b.a.

nothing like a heavily irish coffee and some mirah to get the productivity for the day rolling.

i like going stretches without sleep, then catching up all at once. it may not be the wisest, or most efficient means of doing things. but boy does it feel nice.

i haven't worked out, gone jogging, or played basketball in almost three weeks.

i'm getting soft.

first time

i seem to have hit a blogging speed bump. rare in these long summer days of....uh...barely existing.

the schedule has consisted of a few weeks of non-stop going out, which i have followed up nicely with two straight days of nothing but camping out in my room catching up on the new seasons of freshly downloaded television shows. as much as i've made fun of some people for watching tv instead of going out, it's nice.....in moderation.

time to hit the stretch run of the summer by soaking in as much of the gorgeous weather as i can. thankfully, most of those outdoorsy activities are easy on the wallet.

i can't believe i have school again this fall. the idea is so.....surreal. i thought that university was the best years of my life when i initially finished undergrad. and you know, they honestly were right up there as some of the best damn months i've ever had.

but i just can't say they were my best years. and i'm glad i feel that way, because it actually means i believe the best is yet to come. and i know it's cliche, and that everyone says it. but to really, honestly feel that in yourself? to trust that even despite your inner cynic, you really aren't rationalizing, or bullshiting yourself?

sometimes we slog through the crap of life hoping to catch a glimpse of a reason to go on. our reasons are so often put up on pedestals, invested into long term committments that you expect not to bear fruit for at least several years of your life. but man, i have to say -- optimism is addictive once you catch that glimpse of what lays ahead.

keeping myself running on coffee just to survive for the next month? that's probably going to cost me a tupperware container full of quarters.

to be able to do it guilt free?

priceless.



.....this is completely unrelated, but did you know that sloan from entourage grew up right here in toronto? she's a local product, baby!

be still my beating heart....

say it aint so

i find flipping through the ikea catalogue to be a welcome distraction from the doldrums of daily life. who doesn't enjoy the prospect of buying an image here or there?

it mildly annoys me that i have no option outside of walmart when it comes to buying cheap furniture. i mean, it's the opposite of clothing and cars and stuff where the status quo comes at a premium. i shop at ikea because it's the cheapest option. period.

which makes me wonder -- is the cost of assembly really twice that of the furniture itself? otherwise, why is every other furniture store in the city so....damn....expensive?

the avalanche

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

Psalm 19:8-9

i find there are times where i choose to ignore Him. where i'm ashamed, or i refuse to admit there is only one correct stand to take. times where i don't want to seem like i'm fanatical in front of my friends, or admit that despite all the hopes and dreams i share with others, i really do live only for one reason.

i don't want people to think i'm some bible thumping, hell preaching, conservative mudslinging hypocrite who does nothing but judge.

that's not me.

and in maintaining that anti-perception, i find at times i feel like i have to compromise anything that might even remotely taint me with that brush. and it's hard. because the truth is, there are times i want to stand up and scream the message from the moutains. but i remain subtle. i maintain tactful, because i feel that is the safe way to go.

but i know that's not necessarily what i should be doing. sometime i know i'm being asked to be bold.

and yet i cannot commit to it.

like so much in life, hollow words flow from hollow hearts. is faith suppose to feel like school? must the distinction between discipline and joyful obediance be ascertained? and where?

people say all christians should be in africa helping the poor. if you ask me, there is logical truth to that -- but if people think for a second we're taking the easy way out by staying here, then i say you've obviously never been a christian.

it's easy to drop everything you're responsible for and live an idealized life.

it's harder to balance the reality of your circumstances with what you're trying to do and who you want to become.

laws don't usually give my heart much joy. i'm not sure what david experienced when writing this psalm -- probably something humbling and terribly painful, yet ultimately joyful in his total dependence on the Lord.

i long to feel that again. to know and trust to that extent again. to pray, and actually believe that what i'm praying for isn't just the selfish manifestations of my own misguided desires.

killing moon

i thought i'd be more sore after so many games of softball. surprisingly, i feel pretty good. maybe i'm not as old as i keep thinking i am....

i have a strange, pulsating pain from deep inside the lower-rear part of my head. it's like my brain is trying to get out of my skull or something. my first thought is that i might simply have spent too much time in the sun this weekend -- somewhere in the area of 20 hours in two days.

maybe i have mild sunstroke resulting in a little bit of a headache. but i don't feel dehydrated, or particularly tired or anything.

and yet, there goes that jabbing pain from my brain again.

maybe something burrowed its way into my head and laid eggs.

enh. i'll do what i always do to cure my mystery ailments. sleeeeeeeeep.

glósóli

i
love
listening
to
music
really

really

loud

an evening well spent.