hm....i'll get around to adding more of your pages later, i just threw one up there to see if it would be in the right place. and it is. so woohoo.
one of the main reasons i switched to this new format was to give the page a new focus on my actual blog....it being the centre of the site and all. i figure i write these long winded rants as the purpose of the page, so i might as well give it more of a focused site.
that asides, i have a lot to say....but i guess if you're going to be too lazy to read all this, i will sum it up in two small phrases.
God is real.
God is really good.
these have been two things that i've really been learning more and more lately....and just when i think i'm ready to write him off, he shows me so....incredibly poignantly why he is worthy to be praised. why he's not merely an abstract idea and theological/sociological concept, but a God who loves us. who loves you (yes, YOU), and who loves me, and will stop at nothing until he shows us beyond a shadow of a doubt how infinitely that love reaches.
so often it gets easy to let pride slip into our lives...and we start to think...."why isn't God working for me? why hasn't he answered my prayers yet, and set my life onto happy trails as it all should be when i trust in him?" and we start to wonder if his plan is really going anywhere. we start to doubt if he even HAS a plan.
we pay lip service in prayer. we say we pray for hope and trust, but deep down we are filled with cynicism and fear. we say we trust, but we're really just fooling ourselves. we're trusting but refusing to let go of our fears? that's not trust. that's hypocrisy.
yet.....again....and again, God reveals his nature. and part of his nature is his faithfulness, and his willingless to remind us of it through his patience and grace over and over again when we forget it.
it's so easy to give up hope in God. to lose faith. but that's the easy way out - to give up. to keep saying you'll let him lead you, but in the back of your mind not really trusting where you're going. but always...in the end, God provides exactly what we need - not what we think we need. in His time. not according to our time.
lessons learned. forgotten. relearned. and patience unending.
this is what my relationship with God is like. and it blows me away more and more each day.
Jan 31, 2004
Jan 29, 2004
shucks
new format.
if the pictures on the right are cut off.....well....increase your resolution, haha
links will be up later, it's bedtime for me.
if the pictures on the right are cut off.....well....increase your resolution, haha
links will be up later, it's bedtime for me.
Jan 27, 2004
i can't believe it's not butter
so i had a productive chinese new years weekend. had TWO great dinners, as well as some time to hang out with all my friends and stuff. happy birthday to dora again btw. your lunchbox is in the mail.
on top of all that, i managed to bring back a ton of stuff i had been wanting or needing to have here in london, and as a result i've finally got my room nice and organized as well as being on top of all my gizmo's and gadgets and computer stuff. it's nice to be in order. the weeks been interesting thusfar. a ton of snow but most classes attended nonetheless.
current random thoughts and observations:
- it's really funny watching people pk into snow banks
- it's funnier when they can't get up
- people who talk on their cell phone in class should be shot
- i don't understand the obsession with celebrities. they're just people.
- i STILL can't believe how many blondes there are here at UWO.
- i'm guessing roughly 35% of them aren't natural blondes
- bummy track pants are suddenly cool again. does that mean i can break out my velcro shoes?
i'm going to stop on this point for a second.
VELCRO SHOES!
what's with the stigma over velcro shoes? why are boys told to drop them once they learn how to tie shoes? does it ever occur to parents that maybe we LIKE velcro shoes? that maybe bigboys don't HAVE to wear laces? i'm starting a fad, going to payless and buying myself the spiffiest pair of velcro runners i can find. all those with me, say aye!
on top of all that, i managed to bring back a ton of stuff i had been wanting or needing to have here in london, and as a result i've finally got my room nice and organized as well as being on top of all my gizmo's and gadgets and computer stuff. it's nice to be in order. the weeks been interesting thusfar. a ton of snow but most classes attended nonetheless.
current random thoughts and observations:
- it's really funny watching people pk into snow banks
- it's funnier when they can't get up
- people who talk on their cell phone in class should be shot
- i don't understand the obsession with celebrities. they're just people.
- i STILL can't believe how many blondes there are here at UWO.
- i'm guessing roughly 35% of them aren't natural blondes
- bummy track pants are suddenly cool again. does that mean i can break out my velcro shoes?
i'm going to stop on this point for a second.
VELCRO SHOES!
what's with the stigma over velcro shoes? why are boys told to drop them once they learn how to tie shoes? does it ever occur to parents that maybe we LIKE velcro shoes? that maybe bigboys don't HAVE to wear laces? i'm starting a fad, going to payless and buying myself the spiffiest pair of velcro runners i can find. all those with me, say aye!
Jan 22, 2004
redeem your reward points today!
small updates at a time. happy new years everyone, hope you all have plenty of gigantic feasts and time well spent. goooo monkey!
moving on...i guess i'll just do the thing where i discuss one small thing out of a hectic period of time instead of trying to touch on everything that's been going on so far this term and capture none of its essence.
so we went away for ACF retreat this past weekend and it was a most interesting experience. it was insane watching how God just really showed his love to people there, and it brought me to the verge of tears of joy as i witnessed the power of God's grace and mercy as it overcame and pushed the darkness out of so many hearts and minds, including mine.
i think i've been pondering the question lately of what it means to be happy. i read over my own testimoney and was thinking back to just a year ago, and how unhappy i truly honestly was. and i remember i had the option of being content with the bitterness and cynical nature i was developing towards life, or i could not give up and pursue all possible avenues towards the hope that my idealistic flights of fancy concerning true happiness and joy in life might actually be possible.
i remember how i felt like i had no friends, and i can't help but feel the utmost of regret for ever allowing such a thought to perverse my mind. such a slap in the face to the many awesome relationships i've built and continue to build in my 21 odd years here.
i really love my friends. it's wierd how there are just some people you can not talk to for an entire year. you can have no idea what's going on with their lives, no idea with how they're doing, what they've been up to, yadda yadda yadda.....yet there's still no awkwardness when you finally get together and fill each other in on all the missing blanks. i love how you can always understand and sometimes predict the twists and turns of a story because you know someone so well. i love the feeling of true empathy for a friend, not just sympathy. and i love when i can honestly know with no superficiality or pity that someone i'm talking to understands exactly how i feel as well.
there is a bond between close friends that brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. the mutual respect, caring for each other, openess, watching out for each other, excitement and encouraging....all the attributes of a fulfilling and satisfying friendship are awesome just to reflect upon and wax nostalgic about, leaving one with a sense of gratefulness and strange cosmic unworthiness.
but knowing all this, i can also understand how one might overlook all these things - how all the light in the world could be overshadowed when life seems meaningless as a whole. what's the point of being happy when living at all is pointless right?
i guess my long winded point is just.....there is a meaning to life. you can be happy. you can find persistant joy. you just have to figure out what you want in life, then go for it.
what gives you joy?
you want a house and family? work hard. look for a mate. have some kids. be dilligent towards your career.
you want respect and renown? be yourself. pursue your goals. think outside the box and don't ever limit your dreams.
you want meaning and value in life? you want validation and peace? well....if this last one is what you think you're looking for, in my opinion you're probably not gonna find it at bestbuy....look a bit harder....
examine and analyze every facet of yourself critically about what you want. what you need. THEN chase after it.
don't chase after happiness as some vague abstract goal, because that ultimately will have you running around in circles like spiralgraph on crack. and i'm not saying you have to figure out where you're going in life right away, or what job you want, or what career, or anything like that. but consider what you want out of life in the bigger picture. what gives you peace? what makes you content? sort throught the past, have you ever been joyful? think practically.
and if you can't think of anything? well....i would say pursue every option. leave no rock unturned, leave no door unopened. it's your life, and it's in your hands. i think being content with being content is the saddest thing we can do in life. to me, that means a fear of progress. a fear of the unknown. a fear to forge ahead. it's giving in to apathy and letting the world get the better of you. it's nothing more than simply giving up. because lets be honest, if you're hoping for better, holding out hope against hope, faith unshakable and patience unlimited.....you must inherently know it's out there, or else what are you doing?? but where? probably somewhere you haven't looked is my guess if your search has been exhaustive. so don't go searching where you know the answer isn't. go searching where you have no clue what the answer is.
just my thoughts.....seems many around me have been strangely pensive as of late....if you've made it this far, i hope my rantings have been something to reflect on and help you procrastinate.
i bid you farewell.
for now.
moving on...i guess i'll just do the thing where i discuss one small thing out of a hectic period of time instead of trying to touch on everything that's been going on so far this term and capture none of its essence.
so we went away for ACF retreat this past weekend and it was a most interesting experience. it was insane watching how God just really showed his love to people there, and it brought me to the verge of tears of joy as i witnessed the power of God's grace and mercy as it overcame and pushed the darkness out of so many hearts and minds, including mine.
i think i've been pondering the question lately of what it means to be happy. i read over my own testimoney and was thinking back to just a year ago, and how unhappy i truly honestly was. and i remember i had the option of being content with the bitterness and cynical nature i was developing towards life, or i could not give up and pursue all possible avenues towards the hope that my idealistic flights of fancy concerning true happiness and joy in life might actually be possible.
i remember how i felt like i had no friends, and i can't help but feel the utmost of regret for ever allowing such a thought to perverse my mind. such a slap in the face to the many awesome relationships i've built and continue to build in my 21 odd years here.
i really love my friends. it's wierd how there are just some people you can not talk to for an entire year. you can have no idea what's going on with their lives, no idea with how they're doing, what they've been up to, yadda yadda yadda.....yet there's still no awkwardness when you finally get together and fill each other in on all the missing blanks. i love how you can always understand and sometimes predict the twists and turns of a story because you know someone so well. i love the feeling of true empathy for a friend, not just sympathy. and i love when i can honestly know with no superficiality or pity that someone i'm talking to understands exactly how i feel as well.
there is a bond between close friends that brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. the mutual respect, caring for each other, openess, watching out for each other, excitement and encouraging....all the attributes of a fulfilling and satisfying friendship are awesome just to reflect upon and wax nostalgic about, leaving one with a sense of gratefulness and strange cosmic unworthiness.
but knowing all this, i can also understand how one might overlook all these things - how all the light in the world could be overshadowed when life seems meaningless as a whole. what's the point of being happy when living at all is pointless right?
i guess my long winded point is just.....there is a meaning to life. you can be happy. you can find persistant joy. you just have to figure out what you want in life, then go for it.
what gives you joy?
you want a house and family? work hard. look for a mate. have some kids. be dilligent towards your career.
you want respect and renown? be yourself. pursue your goals. think outside the box and don't ever limit your dreams.
you want meaning and value in life? you want validation and peace? well....if this last one is what you think you're looking for, in my opinion you're probably not gonna find it at bestbuy....look a bit harder....
examine and analyze every facet of yourself critically about what you want. what you need. THEN chase after it.
don't chase after happiness as some vague abstract goal, because that ultimately will have you running around in circles like spiralgraph on crack. and i'm not saying you have to figure out where you're going in life right away, or what job you want, or what career, or anything like that. but consider what you want out of life in the bigger picture. what gives you peace? what makes you content? sort throught the past, have you ever been joyful? think practically.
and if you can't think of anything? well....i would say pursue every option. leave no rock unturned, leave no door unopened. it's your life, and it's in your hands. i think being content with being content is the saddest thing we can do in life. to me, that means a fear of progress. a fear of the unknown. a fear to forge ahead. it's giving in to apathy and letting the world get the better of you. it's nothing more than simply giving up. because lets be honest, if you're hoping for better, holding out hope against hope, faith unshakable and patience unlimited.....you must inherently know it's out there, or else what are you doing?? but where? probably somewhere you haven't looked is my guess if your search has been exhaustive. so don't go searching where you know the answer isn't. go searching where you have no clue what the answer is.
just my thoughts.....seems many around me have been strangely pensive as of late....if you've made it this far, i hope my rantings have been something to reflect on and help you procrastinate.
i bid you farewell.
for now.
Jan 21, 2004
i live.
i know...i know....it's been a while. i think the problem has been more i've had so much on my mind recently that to post it all at once would seem nuts. but i might as well do it bit by bit, or i'm never going to update again.
following in ivan's footsteps, i'll leave you all some teaser material to keep you coming back.
- slowly uploading some pictures from over the break, ACF retreat, and last term dumbness, to imagestation. view at your leisure.
- thoughts and reflections on ACF retreat
- i have the best girlfriend in the world
- the weather lately
- school
- friends
- my life as of late and the lives around me
as for now, i've gotten a few requests, so even though it's extremely overdue, i'm gonna throw my exceedingly wordy testimony up from my baptism over the christmas break.
further updates to come more frequently.
***********************************
I think this has been a long time coming. I’m just…..so thankful that I can be here right now, doing what I’m doing, and about to do…..
I’ve been coming here a long time. I was really involved at one point, didomi and choir and stuff…. but I eventually backed away and after a while just disassociated myself with the church, asides from coming here to eat lunch after service with my friends. It was really just the social draw and the habitualness of my parents yelling at me when I slept in that kept me coming here all the years towards the end of high school and the first year and a half or so of university.
I really seemed to wander away from God during this time. I think it was in part a conscious decision, but really I didn’t feel like I needed God. I was really happy without going to church, without doing all this stuff and having to depend on God for anything. I was doing just fine in my life, and was proud of it.
Particularly, high school was probably some of the best times I’ve ever had. I mean….it was a quarter of my entire life, and it’s a bunch of years I’ll never ever forget. I had great friends, I had a family that loved me, provided for me, and supported me in all my decisions. I went away to school after OAC looking towards a fresh change in scenery, meeting new people, all that good stuff. And you know, it exceeded all my expectations. I had a great time my first year, I made lots of great friends, lived on the best floor on campus, and I have memories from that year that I’m never going to forget. I spent more than half the year sleeping, and I still managed to scrape by with an acceptable average. In theory, you know, I really had things going pretty well. It didn’t last though…..i remember that all through this time though, every once in a while I would start to wonder about things. Like….i would just stop, and analyze me life, and I really wouldn’t end up very happy. And I think after I moved away…..it was FUN….. But these pensive moments started to get more frequent, and I started to grow increasingly frustrated.
And…ok…..you know, it sounds SO amazingly cliché, but the thing is….after a while….i just….started to flat out, hate my life. Through a lot of first year and my second year, I would spend an AWFUL lot of time just sitting around, alone, being really depressed about my life.
I really really REALLY hated school. You know, I don’t know what exactly the reason was, but the fact of the matter is, I had no interest in what I was learning. really, just absolutely none. And more than that….. I really hated my life. I hated MYSELF.
I would just sit there, or lie there, and do nothing but think about how crappy my life was. I had friends, great, all well and dandy. But for some reason, I felt like none of them really knew me at all. Like….that none of them really cared about me, or understood who the REAL me was. I can’t even count the times I’d just be really pathetic, and wish I would just disappear. i’d think about how badly I wanted to talk to someone, and just tell them how lonely I was, and how I felt like the world could care less about whether I existed or not. I really think I reveled in my own self pity. And it really sort of just spirals down, and snowballs from there, it’s so easy to just end up having thoughts of throwing yourself in front of subway trains, or driving your car into oncoming traffic or something like that. Partly because you hate yourself. Partly because you’re curious about who would care…..
And you know, I really just COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT. I was just like….what the heck is WRONG with me? I thought I was like, a manic depressive or something, because no matter WHAT I did, I just couldn’t get OVER myself. i had a pretty darn good life. But I HATED it! I just felt so overwhelmingly empty sometimes. Like it was all futile, and pointless. All the things that I was proud of in my life before, my friends, my relationships, my stuff, my family…..it all meant nothing to me. They were totally meaningless.
I think after a long period of trying to think things through, to try and change myself, better myself, grow up and get better, I just gave up. I was just like….ok….you know what? I’ve tried EVERYTHING. But I’m still just this big, pool of blah wallowing in my own self pity. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself.
…..I just wanted it to go away. More than anything in the world, I just wanted to feel…..right. And strangely enough, in the back of my mind, through all my wallowing, through all my self-loathing, I had consistently had thoughts about God. I was always open to entertaining questions of my faith, my beliefs from when I was younger and stuff like that, but even when I paused to think about God, I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself practically.
So basically….i started to take a kind of new found interest in my faith. I started going to fellowship a little more often….going back to church, started talking to people, asking questions. I didn’t know why….but I think the fact is, I had pretty much hit rock bottom around then….. I was just so ridiculously and inexplicably miserable that I figured I had nothing to lose by giving God a chance to turn things around for me. So I remember talking to a friend of mine one day, and she told me that even though I felt really stupid praying, I should just get over myself and do it. Even if I didn’t FEEL like I was doing anything, or talking to anybody, that I should just pray for God to take over, and that I wanted to give control of my life to Him.
Soo…..i did. And it was interesting, because….really, I don’t think anything really happened. Nothing miraculous, no sudden change in perspective, no total 180 degree turn around or whatever. But I remained curious. And gradually, over the course of weeks, months, countless discussions, encouragements, fellowships and bible studies, through friends, through reading the bible, through prayer….. I started learning more. Here and there, I would learn tiny lessons about God, about his character, and about the reality of the Cross. God really just…blessed me so much with an environment and group in London that spurred me on to grow more, and learn more. And not just learn more about God….but more about myself.
I think sometimes I’d like to have had a really gripping, dramatic tale about how God came down and instantly changed my life…..but the fact is, God hasn’t worked like that for me. He’s done things at his own pace, by his own time. No burning bush talking to me, no angels coming to me in my dreams…. Even though so many times in my life I’ve wished he WOULD just come down, and make things easy for me. but he hasn’t.
There has been no defining moment. And I think really, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think there’s a reason God’s plan was so gradual for me, and that reason is this: I’ve always wanted God to be there for me, but I’ve been too scared to count the costs.
Someone once told me that we should worship God for who He is, and not for what he does. And I think that was strange for me. Up to that point, I had totally measured God’s relevance in my life by what he had done for me lately. For a long time, I wanted him to change me, but I wanted it to be a change on my own terms. I wanted God to fill the void in my heart, replace the emptiness and validate my life, but I wanted at the same time to remain in control of things. I was scared I think……I was scared of changing myself in ways I felt secure and comfortable in. I was scared of God asking me to give up things I loved, and things I cherished, because I didn’t think I could commit like that. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to commit myself to him like that.
The fact is, I’ve been running scared from God for my entire life. I always knew he was there, but I didn’t want to believe in him. I didn’t want to trust him. Every time he’s spoken to me, I’ve pushed him away because I didn’t want to listen. I’ve been so full of fear, so full of doubt, so unwilling to trust him, that it’s taken me years of him proving himself faithful to me in order for any of this to actually hit home. It’s sad….i know….and I wish that I could say I was strong enough to believe in Him after he showed me his grace once. But…..i just wasn’t.
And I’m glad he hasn’t been faithful in the sense of just one big gigantic moment that I probably could have rationalized away and forgotten about after a few months….and not faithful in the fleeting emotional sense that I know I would have been inclined to just chalk up to circumstance and walked away from…..but faithful in the sense that….looking back on my walk, and my entire life, God has been consistently faithful to me every single step of the way.
Each small revelation, or realization…… every time I’ve willingly and honestly sought to please God and know him more….God has provided for me exactly what I needed. At campus challenge last summer, I went in excited about the prospect of, and expecting to be built up, and instead God just totally broke me down. I’ve been learning that regardless of what I think is best for my life in order to be happy, and how I think I may best please him and grow, God knows so incomprehensibly better than we do. And if believing that fact means obeying him regardless of every fibre in my body wanting to hold on to my own dreams and desires, then so be it. For when I have, God has brought me through the darkest valleys of sorrow, reminding me time and time again of the Joy that comes from honoring Him, and clinging on to nothing but Christ alone.
Every time I’ve placed my trust in God, He’s come through a thousand times more than I could ever imagine. Through this process of waiting on God to guide me, instead of just me trying to presume that I know what’s best for my own life, he’s molded me, and taught me to have a faith in him that is real instead of based on stipulations. about a year ago today, I prayed into what I thought was thin air, for God to fully take control of my life. Lo and behold, here I am…..about to hand it over to him symbolically in baptism. It’s been a long, hard road, full of struggles, difficulties and moments where I just didn’t understand what God was doing. But as usual, things have a funny way of working out with God. I was actually considering getting baptized over the summer, than again in October, but ultimately God has shown me so much in the time since then, and I realize that there is a reason I’m here today, and not 2 months ago. It would take much more than my allotted time to share all the lessons I’ve learned over this past year, and how many times in my life God has amazed me, and reminded me of his sacrifice, and the cost that this joy comes at.…..but I guess long story short…..
For a really long time, i thought I was chasing after God, but it seems pretty clear to me now that it was really him who was chasing after me. being a yau, eventually I gave up and just let him catch me.
It beats running.
following in ivan's footsteps, i'll leave you all some teaser material to keep you coming back.
- slowly uploading some pictures from over the break, ACF retreat, and last term dumbness, to imagestation. view at your leisure.
- thoughts and reflections on ACF retreat
- i have the best girlfriend in the world
- the weather lately
- school
- friends
- my life as of late and the lives around me
as for now, i've gotten a few requests, so even though it's extremely overdue, i'm gonna throw my exceedingly wordy testimony up from my baptism over the christmas break.
further updates to come more frequently.
***********************************
I think this has been a long time coming. I’m just…..so thankful that I can be here right now, doing what I’m doing, and about to do…..
I’ve been coming here a long time. I was really involved at one point, didomi and choir and stuff…. but I eventually backed away and after a while just disassociated myself with the church, asides from coming here to eat lunch after service with my friends. It was really just the social draw and the habitualness of my parents yelling at me when I slept in that kept me coming here all the years towards the end of high school and the first year and a half or so of university.
I really seemed to wander away from God during this time. I think it was in part a conscious decision, but really I didn’t feel like I needed God. I was really happy without going to church, without doing all this stuff and having to depend on God for anything. I was doing just fine in my life, and was proud of it.
Particularly, high school was probably some of the best times I’ve ever had. I mean….it was a quarter of my entire life, and it’s a bunch of years I’ll never ever forget. I had great friends, I had a family that loved me, provided for me, and supported me in all my decisions. I went away to school after OAC looking towards a fresh change in scenery, meeting new people, all that good stuff. And you know, it exceeded all my expectations. I had a great time my first year, I made lots of great friends, lived on the best floor on campus, and I have memories from that year that I’m never going to forget. I spent more than half the year sleeping, and I still managed to scrape by with an acceptable average. In theory, you know, I really had things going pretty well. It didn’t last though…..i remember that all through this time though, every once in a while I would start to wonder about things. Like….i would just stop, and analyze me life, and I really wouldn’t end up very happy. And I think after I moved away…..it was FUN….. But these pensive moments started to get more frequent, and I started to grow increasingly frustrated.
And…ok…..you know, it sounds SO amazingly cliché, but the thing is….after a while….i just….started to flat out, hate my life. Through a lot of first year and my second year, I would spend an AWFUL lot of time just sitting around, alone, being really depressed about my life.
I really really REALLY hated school. You know, I don’t know what exactly the reason was, but the fact of the matter is, I had no interest in what I was learning. really, just absolutely none. And more than that….. I really hated my life. I hated MYSELF.
I would just sit there, or lie there, and do nothing but think about how crappy my life was. I had friends, great, all well and dandy. But for some reason, I felt like none of them really knew me at all. Like….that none of them really cared about me, or understood who the REAL me was. I can’t even count the times I’d just be really pathetic, and wish I would just disappear. i’d think about how badly I wanted to talk to someone, and just tell them how lonely I was, and how I felt like the world could care less about whether I existed or not. I really think I reveled in my own self pity. And it really sort of just spirals down, and snowballs from there, it’s so easy to just end up having thoughts of throwing yourself in front of subway trains, or driving your car into oncoming traffic or something like that. Partly because you hate yourself. Partly because you’re curious about who would care…..
And you know, I really just COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT. I was just like….what the heck is WRONG with me? I thought I was like, a manic depressive or something, because no matter WHAT I did, I just couldn’t get OVER myself. i had a pretty darn good life. But I HATED it! I just felt so overwhelmingly empty sometimes. Like it was all futile, and pointless. All the things that I was proud of in my life before, my friends, my relationships, my stuff, my family…..it all meant nothing to me. They were totally meaningless.
I think after a long period of trying to think things through, to try and change myself, better myself, grow up and get better, I just gave up. I was just like….ok….you know what? I’ve tried EVERYTHING. But I’m still just this big, pool of blah wallowing in my own self pity. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself.
…..I just wanted it to go away. More than anything in the world, I just wanted to feel…..right. And strangely enough, in the back of my mind, through all my wallowing, through all my self-loathing, I had consistently had thoughts about God. I was always open to entertaining questions of my faith, my beliefs from when I was younger and stuff like that, but even when I paused to think about God, I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself practically.
So basically….i started to take a kind of new found interest in my faith. I started going to fellowship a little more often….going back to church, started talking to people, asking questions. I didn’t know why….but I think the fact is, I had pretty much hit rock bottom around then….. I was just so ridiculously and inexplicably miserable that I figured I had nothing to lose by giving God a chance to turn things around for me. So I remember talking to a friend of mine one day, and she told me that even though I felt really stupid praying, I should just get over myself and do it. Even if I didn’t FEEL like I was doing anything, or talking to anybody, that I should just pray for God to take over, and that I wanted to give control of my life to Him.
Soo…..i did. And it was interesting, because….really, I don’t think anything really happened. Nothing miraculous, no sudden change in perspective, no total 180 degree turn around or whatever. But I remained curious. And gradually, over the course of weeks, months, countless discussions, encouragements, fellowships and bible studies, through friends, through reading the bible, through prayer….. I started learning more. Here and there, I would learn tiny lessons about God, about his character, and about the reality of the Cross. God really just…blessed me so much with an environment and group in London that spurred me on to grow more, and learn more. And not just learn more about God….but more about myself.
I think sometimes I’d like to have had a really gripping, dramatic tale about how God came down and instantly changed my life…..but the fact is, God hasn’t worked like that for me. He’s done things at his own pace, by his own time. No burning bush talking to me, no angels coming to me in my dreams…. Even though so many times in my life I’ve wished he WOULD just come down, and make things easy for me. but he hasn’t.
There has been no defining moment. And I think really, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think there’s a reason God’s plan was so gradual for me, and that reason is this: I’ve always wanted God to be there for me, but I’ve been too scared to count the costs.
Someone once told me that we should worship God for who He is, and not for what he does. And I think that was strange for me. Up to that point, I had totally measured God’s relevance in my life by what he had done for me lately. For a long time, I wanted him to change me, but I wanted it to be a change on my own terms. I wanted God to fill the void in my heart, replace the emptiness and validate my life, but I wanted at the same time to remain in control of things. I was scared I think……I was scared of changing myself in ways I felt secure and comfortable in. I was scared of God asking me to give up things I loved, and things I cherished, because I didn’t think I could commit like that. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to commit myself to him like that.
The fact is, I’ve been running scared from God for my entire life. I always knew he was there, but I didn’t want to believe in him. I didn’t want to trust him. Every time he’s spoken to me, I’ve pushed him away because I didn’t want to listen. I’ve been so full of fear, so full of doubt, so unwilling to trust him, that it’s taken me years of him proving himself faithful to me in order for any of this to actually hit home. It’s sad….i know….and I wish that I could say I was strong enough to believe in Him after he showed me his grace once. But…..i just wasn’t.
And I’m glad he hasn’t been faithful in the sense of just one big gigantic moment that I probably could have rationalized away and forgotten about after a few months….and not faithful in the fleeting emotional sense that I know I would have been inclined to just chalk up to circumstance and walked away from…..but faithful in the sense that….looking back on my walk, and my entire life, God has been consistently faithful to me every single step of the way.
Each small revelation, or realization…… every time I’ve willingly and honestly sought to please God and know him more….God has provided for me exactly what I needed. At campus challenge last summer, I went in excited about the prospect of, and expecting to be built up, and instead God just totally broke me down. I’ve been learning that regardless of what I think is best for my life in order to be happy, and how I think I may best please him and grow, God knows so incomprehensibly better than we do. And if believing that fact means obeying him regardless of every fibre in my body wanting to hold on to my own dreams and desires, then so be it. For when I have, God has brought me through the darkest valleys of sorrow, reminding me time and time again of the Joy that comes from honoring Him, and clinging on to nothing but Christ alone.
Every time I’ve placed my trust in God, He’s come through a thousand times more than I could ever imagine. Through this process of waiting on God to guide me, instead of just me trying to presume that I know what’s best for my own life, he’s molded me, and taught me to have a faith in him that is real instead of based on stipulations. about a year ago today, I prayed into what I thought was thin air, for God to fully take control of my life. Lo and behold, here I am…..about to hand it over to him symbolically in baptism. It’s been a long, hard road, full of struggles, difficulties and moments where I just didn’t understand what God was doing. But as usual, things have a funny way of working out with God. I was actually considering getting baptized over the summer, than again in October, but ultimately God has shown me so much in the time since then, and I realize that there is a reason I’m here today, and not 2 months ago. It would take much more than my allotted time to share all the lessons I’ve learned over this past year, and how many times in my life God has amazed me, and reminded me of his sacrifice, and the cost that this joy comes at.…..but I guess long story short…..
For a really long time, i thought I was chasing after God, but it seems pretty clear to me now that it was really him who was chasing after me. being a yau, eventually I gave up and just let him catch me.
It beats running.
Jan 14, 2004
Bush in 30 Seconds
ahhh...no night is complete without a proper lefty diatribe against bush. i love how the fact is the right could never do anything as clever, witty or cool as this stuff because frankly, old rich guys aren't as handy with macs. silly bastards.
personal favourites include "what are we teaching our children?" and "al keyda", although i suppose as an actual political ad, the overall winner clearly deserved it.
makes me want to start making short clips.
ahhh...no night is complete without a proper lefty diatribe against bush. i love how the fact is the right could never do anything as clever, witty or cool as this stuff because frankly, old rich guys aren't as handy with macs. silly bastards.
personal favourites include "what are we teaching our children?" and "al keyda", although i suppose as an actual political ad, the overall winner clearly deserved it.
makes me want to start making short clips.
Jan 9, 2004
greetings...
sorry for the long hiatus, i've been sick for the last little bit and looking at the screen made my head hurt.
so annnyways, the break was great, but it's back to school now. and i've already managed to miss a bunch of classes due to my stupid fever. so next week is my REAL first week of school....
also, my brother stole my desktop, so it's going to be a while before i update the background since all my pictures are on it. darn brothers.
so annnyways, the break was great, but it's back to school now. and i've already managed to miss a bunch of classes due to my stupid fever. so next week is my REAL first week of school....
also, my brother stole my desktop, so it's going to be a while before i update the background since all my pictures are on it. darn brothers.
Jan 1, 2004
happy new years!
happy new years everyone!
i'll be posting a major picture upload within the next week, so keep your eyes peeled for pics from the 1st school term, random misc pics, new years/christmas get together and various other assortments of crap that i've accumulated.
so tonight was our ever so anticipated talentshow to go with our usualy christmas and new years festivities. it was probably one of the more.....uh....amusing and unique ideas we've had to pass the time. will be remembered, that much i can say with certainty.
have a good post-new years recovery day everyone! sleep in good!
i'll be posting a major picture upload within the next week, so keep your eyes peeled for pics from the 1st school term, random misc pics, new years/christmas get together and various other assortments of crap that i've accumulated.
so tonight was our ever so anticipated talentshow to go with our usualy christmas and new years festivities. it was probably one of the more.....uh....amusing and unique ideas we've had to pass the time. will be remembered, that much i can say with certainty.
have a good post-new years recovery day everyone! sleep in good!
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