Awesome

Best of Craigslist: July-Sept 2009

condoms and door knobs.

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.

Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship

Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent.

You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages.

I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best).

The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need.

Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures.

Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well.

I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends.

Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon!

Morally Bankrupt - m4w

I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me.

I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j).

My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them.

P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you.

Brain Surgery Intern

Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries!

If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line.

Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores.

Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car.

Wanted: Pony

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

The times they are a changin'