Bottled Goodness

I woke up this morning to a dog licking me in the face. 

Unbeknownst to me, the brother dropped off the four-legged baby for some dog sitting action. Walking  a dog is not nearly as amusing during minus degree weather as it is when it's sunny and warm outside. 

As much as I like dogs (I also like cats, though admittedly not as much) I've never understood how some people can love them like people. I guess I think it's just because we're all lonely, and we know that pets are the closest thing to unconditional companionship we have. They don't judge you, and you can talk all you want and get nothing but affection in return. 

Also, unlike actual kids, there are no consequences. If you have a misbehaving dog, nobody thinks you're a bad human being. Except judgmental fellow pet owners. But that type of person is probably a douche, so what do you care anyways. 

Did you hear about the gunfight at a Toys 'R' Us during Black Friday?

If only gang fights could be fought with Nerf weapons, the world would be a safer place. 

When did this blog jump the shark?

You know, reading posts from a few years ago (back when my blog titles were all song titles -- how original!), I realized that it was actually pretty entertaining. I mean, if I worked in an office all day, I can see how one might get excited to see what the old chap had thrown up there too.

Not to toot my own horn or anything. But y'know. There was some good, clever, insightful commentary back in those days. 

But now... well, I don't know how or when, but I just stopped posting regularly, and even when I do, it's usually vaguely philosophical or vaguely snarky. Vaguely being the operative word, while I would generally not use entertaining or insightful about any of it. 

This realization is saddening.

So with that in mind, the blog is making a comeback baby. Regular updates. Well thought out posts. Editing. The whole nine yards. Maybe even multiple posts a day. Oooohhhh....

Hell, we all know I have nothing else to do anyways, I mean it's nearly 8am and I frankly have no intention of sleeping still. I think I'll go for McDonald's breakfast, I haven't had that in a long time. 

My parents are also back from their three-month world romp. It's strange having noises in the house again that aren't emanating from me. I even pinched a load and took a shower last night without realizing I left the door wide open until I stepped out of the shower. Good thing it was like, 5am. 

You know why I can't sleep? I'm actually pretty hyper, but I started reading a book at around midnight and I read the whole damn thing through in one sitting. It's one of those contemporary novels with subtext and social commentary about our modern society and the average everyday lives we lead, and how we're all complicated lives, and yadda yadda. 

The thing I mostly got out of it -- which is true -- was how much lying we do in a day. Or at least like, pretending. I mean, it's super cliche but I can't even begin to describe how fake I am in at least 75% of my social interaction. Does this mean that three out of every four conversations you've had with me is a fraud? No, not necessarily. But that probably means we've had conversations where everything I say is dictated by the status quo rather than my own personality. 

But c'mon. Like you don't do it too. 

Poor guy hires little guy to pretend to be poor guy to help poor guy find job

TORONTO - For many people, just looking for a new job can often seem like a full-time job itself. 

Local unemployed man Simon Yau agreed, and decided that in order to maximize the efficiency of his continuing job search, it only made proper business sense to outsource the task to a special consultant. 

"It's been working out great," said Yau, who recently hired eight year old neighbour Josh Sanders on a contract position. Sanders was tasked with applying to jobs and making cold calls on behalf of the 26 year old Yau. 

"I'm a writer, not a salesperson, you know?" explained Yau, "Athletes get agents and lawyers because those aren't their strong suits -- so it just made sense to bring Josh aboard. He sold me a box of chocolate almonds for school earlier this year and you could just tell he was talented. I mean, he really sold those almonds. I bought two boxes." 

A recent statscan survey revealed that small businesses accounted for 74% of all new jobs in 2008, and experts agree that the best way to climb out of the current economic downturn is to loosen some wary purse strings.

Other well-intentioned unemployed people have shown interest in Yau's unorthodox approach, many of whom laud the cash-strapped writers creativity.

"Not only will it help him find a job, but he's also helping to create jobs in a sagging economy," said Eric Sanders, a professional carpenter and father of Josh. "I think more people should follow [Mr. Yau's] lead, Josh comes home every night exhausted but it's cheaper than paying for after school daycare."

"I originally was going to hire someone with a longer resume," conceded Yau, "but honestly, it's just hard to find good help these days. I mean, you trawl through all the applications you get from these websites and really, many of them are just garbage." 

Yau is currently still unemployed as of the time of this story, but has expressed a strong trust in his new hire's ability to get the job done.

"Josh will find me something," said the writer. "He just learned how to use comma's this week, so that'll help immensely I believe."

"I'm learning," agreed the young Sanders, before adding "but work like, sucks."

conversation fodder

You know, a lot of cliches get laughed at as small talk conversation fodder. Things like the weather, or the local sports teams. But you know what? Those topics work every time in breaking the ice and making conversations a little less informal.

I'm slowly developing a philosophy where all my life decisions will be mandated by social cliches and stereotypes. It's foolproof! 

1.20.2009

“Rosa [Parks] sat so Martin [Luther King] could walk. Martin walked so Obama could run. Obama ran so our children could fly,” Mr. Victor said, attributing the poetic phrase to a wise man." The Globe and Mail, November 5, 2008

There's a lot to be said about this night that most people implicitly understood. The gravitas of the moment was communicated even on Fox News, where commentator Juan Williams said, “I don’t care how you feel about him politically, you have to say, this is America at its grandest.”

As a proud Canadian, there is a ready list of reasons why I often find myself looking down on our neighbours to the South (not just geographically, har har). 

But on this night, America's Spirit cannot be doubted. It appears in glimpses, in times of trial and perhaps momentarily during the Olympics. But for the first time in my life, I recognized it  clearly during the most democratic of events; an election for the head of state. 

It is humbling not only to witness such a wonderful moment in history, but to consider contextually the fact that this U.S. election saw a record voter turnout in the same year Canada's participation levels dropped to an all time low. 

It has been an incredibly long time since the world has admired the United States of America. We sympathized with her on September 11, 2001. We supported her when Afghanistan was invaded. But true admiration, and viewing the USA as its many cliches demand; a beacon of hope; a land of dreams; land of liberty and democracy, this has in my life never been an option. 

It was tonight. And if anything, it should give our own country something long and deep to consider in terms of who we want to be, and what Canada must do to get there. The hard work we must under go, the complacency that must be ousted and the pride and desire to see Canada become a global leader instead of a follower. 

But these are conversations for tomorrow. Tonight belongs to you, America.

Congratulations, and welcome back.

I am a walking Frasier joke

You know, in retrospect, the most telling experience from this whole wild weekend past was nothing related to weddings, or hilariously sad and simultaneously amusing dancing (and I use that term incredibly loosely) in my basement. Nor, even the fact said house shenanigans involved 83% males. 

No, the experience in hindsight which gave me most reason for introspection was when me and Irene were running around squabbling over a box of Perrier (a match of wits in which I can proudly claim victory; though, rest assured, I will take only a pirates share. The rest will be waiting here for you.)

In my deepest thoughts, I realized that this was a microcosm of my being. Chasing around French Fizzy like a (well-dressed) crack addict.

Awesome.