yuma az

for some strange and unexplainable reason, my body has been popping up uncomfortably early for an entire week or so now. and by early, i mean around 6:30am. it's quite perplexing.

at the same time however, it's also been quite nice. watching the sunrise in the mornings, getting lots of reading done, enjoying a nice coffee in the morning and brunch while getting all my errands done before late afternoon hits. it's refreshing, this being awake-during-the-day business. i feel more productive.

that may have to do with the fact however that all this time has made me.....well....more productive. i'm whittling down my to-do list quickly every day, and i'm enjoying every morning.

i think i'm officially addicted to coffee. on tuesday i had 4 cups.

before lunch.

i really can't get going without a cup in the morning it seems, and all this waking up early has resulted in a pattern of unavoidable early afternoon naps. i wonder if things will get worse when i actually start having to like.....do stuff....when i wake up. man that sounds tiring. i don't know how people live employed, running a morning routine. it's my darkest nightmare.

the downside of all the pretty snow outside is that as usual, my parents have decided to try and freeze me into submission. living in the basements has it's cons, and having to wear mittins when i watch tv is probably one of the biggest ones.

i feel like a hobo.

except without an oil-drum fire.
i've always wanted to huddle around a flaming oil-drum.

center

it's pretty special waking up in the morning to a world of freshly fallen snow.

it makes the world seem new again. it reminds me of so many things -- christmas, calvin and hobbes, uh....christmas.

sure, the realization that i'm going to have to trek through it at some point slowly dawns on me, and i realize i should probably buy some socks that don't have holes in them now that my feet are going to be cold and wet.

but hey! it's the first (real) snow of winter! who can complain? it's so nice and.....wintery

so many things to be thankful for amidst all the confusion.

sometimes we gotta stop trying to figure out what's going to happen and just trust that things will happen by themselves for the best.

and everyday is a fresh start. free from sin, free from guilt, free from mistakes. we're FREE.

praise the Lord.

buick to the moon

sometimes i struggle with the idea of grace.

nothing of value comes without being earned

it seems difficult for me at times to reconcile the idea of unconditional love and mercy, with the fact that i can't just rest on my laurels. that i have to earn everything i'm going to get out of life -- except life itself.

it seems like such a catch-22.

if i'm going to run the race -- to put in the hard work, discipline and effort required of me by God, then is it really.....a gift?

i'm having a hard time seeing the bigger picture. accepting the fact that what's going on here -- now -- isn't what's important at all.

sometimes it's hard to trust

and yet faith is all we have. faith in what you have experienced. faith in what you know to be true. faith in what you feel, and what you know.

all we have is faith.

faith in yourself. faith in others. faith in God.

what more is life but a test of faith?

i hope as i continue to grow, i can learn what it really means to be faithful. because it's as exciting as its ever going to be right now. everything i may be going through, i mean.

it's hard.

but it's fair.

in a radio song

.....but wait, there's more!

sometimes i like to stay up late and just watch informercials. it's pretty amazing what people are trying to sell. i assume that the target demographic of insomniacs and stoners are easily parted with money.

like that sauna belt that makes your abs sweaty? are you for real? i could do that by putting a few sweaters on and going for a jog up and down my stairs. i particularly love how in weight loss informercials they always have the before picture magically transform into a thinner after picture. including better hair, makeup and lighting.

amazing!

there are however a few infomercials things that i actually do want, even though i have no use for them. in these cases the product actually seems really cool, only because the show did a good job of selling.

like, a little giant ladder, hahahaha

i saw this thing with herb originally when we were still in school, and i still want one to this day. what do i need a ladder for? nothing really. but boy would it be useful if i ever did need a ladder one day.

i also kind of like the drill doctor. not that dull drill bits is a huge problem for me. but at least i can assure myself that they never will be.

for FOUR EASY PAYMENTS OF 39.99!

always

the continuing adventures of sherman and teresa.

so as some of you may or may not know, this entire week has basically been spent getting our house organized after the renovations. essentially we are doing a room a day.

i started with my bedroom, then the living room, dining room, and today my dad wanted to conquer the garage.

this was no small feat, as it was a mess of not just our stuff, but leftover junk from the previous owners, as well as all the crap that the contractors had left behind when they finished renovating.

towards the end, when we had finally organized everything, sorted through it, and thrown out what we didn't want, we were impressed with how much work we got done.

so, he started cleaning the floor. like, as if he was planning to live in the garage.

have you ever seen that episode of tiny toons where hampton is in the woods with a dustbuster trying to vacuum all the dirt from nature?

yea, something like that. he managed to fill a garbage bag purely with dust.

i asked him why he didn't just sweep it all outside, where it'll just blend in with all the other dust in the world.

his reply was to hand me a broom.

your hand in mine

extreme home makeover makes me feel all warm and fuzzy everytime.

i can't think of another television show that so regularly makes me want to just grab someone and hug them.

if only all television shows could be about helping people in need, we'd all be better off for sharing in people's joy instead of laughing at their misery.

hunted by a freak

even moving from one room to another in the same house, i find i am confronted by the fact that i'm eventually going to have to throw a lot of stuff away. i just don't have room.

there's a lot of stuff i hold onto for sentimental value, but in reality i know i've got no reason to keep, and that i've (mostly) outgrown.

like my hockey card collection. i don't know why i still have it, but part of me is so hesitant to throw it out. it seems like such a waste.

or my box full of EGM's. like, literally 50 odd editions. i don't know why, but i keep convincing myself to keep them in the corner for camp value. who knows? maybe they'll be a conversation piece one day?

or old books. you know you're a packrat when your copy of hobbes' leviathan is next to a bunch of garfield and family circus collections. hell, i don't even like family circus.

lets have a moment of silence for my marvel cards, coin collection and baseball signed by the 1994 blue jays.

we grow up so fast.

alive in this moment

i keep telling myself i will be asleep come 4am tomorrow morning.

and yet here i am, awake yet again. this has to stop.

i've been realizing how much i really need to learn how to love.

i feel like i'm generally a pretty good guy, but when it comes to love, its like a foreign concept to me sometimes.

i'll do things because i'm responsible, or obligated, or because it's the right thing to do. i will be a good friend, i will do the right things. but when it gets down to the nitty gritty details, i just don't think i cut it when it comes to relationships with people. i don't show much love in actions, in words...i dunno. it just doesn't seem like something that comes naturally of me.

i can take care of people, but i'm not sure i have the slightest idea what it means to love them.

conversely, i think the hardest thing in the world at the moment is just ltaking care of myself, let alone learning to love myself.

it seems like i'm always kicking myself, or beating myself up for so much of my problems, and the struggles that i'm going through. as if i deserve nothing but the bad, and totally am not worthy of being blessed by God when it happens (and it happens often).

why? why can't i just be grateful, or appreciative, or humbled by love? why must i be so damn cynical? so judgmental?

and i want so bad to be able to give it all up. i wish at the end of every day that i had given more up to God. that i had trusted more, that i had just stopped trying to take things into my own control. to let go of everything i'm holding onto dearly -- to allow myself to be broken.

i want all the benefits without putting in the effort, or the time. and i hate myself for it.

i mean, the truth is, i'm not in a terrible situation. i'm unemployed, but i've had plenty of chances to work. i'm fed, i'm clothed, i have all the creature comforts and doo-dads a guy could ask for. in short, i'm living the life.

but -- and this isn't a recent realization -- this just isn't what i want.

the reason the past little while has been the hardest period i think i've been through since first andsecond year, is because i feel like i did in second year. i feel like i'm disonnected from God.

i can't worship, i can't pray, i can't bring myself to listen or follow or trust or love.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i keep saying the words "it's going to be ok".

and i know that sometimes, we have to go through trials, and He never gives us more than we can handle. but sometimes it feels like i've already reached that point. where'd i want to just concede how much easier and happier i'd be if i wasn't spending my time trying to please a God i can't seem to know, or see, or hear or reach. of trying to satsify these expectations and standards -- or setting this bar for myself that i will never reach.

i want to say it can't be done, and live my life ignoring it because if i could just do that, i'd have money, and friends, and a nice car, and i'd be so much happier.

but i can't. i just can't, because i know the truth. i know i won't feel complete. i know slowly a hole will grow in my heart that will gnaw away at my insides until i feel as if i am completely hollow inside -- devoid of humanity, purpose, meaning or life itself.

and i know where the only place i can turn to fill that hole is.

and despite my failures. despite my struggle, despite the fact that right now there really isn't a light at the end of the tunnel....i just have to keep on going. because i know that it's worth it. i know in that moment when things become clear, and God says "hey -- you did good". and in that moment, i will realize again that i.....am loved. that someone loves me so much more than i deserve, with a love that is so much greater than i can wrap my head around.

and not only that i am loved, but that i am deservedly loved.

and i know i'm not just going to be able to say it, but i'll be able to believe it again -- at some point.

and there will be no dark days, no long nights, no self-doubting moments that can ever overshadow that knowledge.

because despite it's intangible nature, that moment will be more real than the very computer i'm typing this on, or the desk that supports it. and all i can do until i get there, is try to be the best me i can be, even of in the meantime that seems like not a very great person.

but there's a reason. there's a plan.

and my only goal right now is to see that plan through to the end, no matter how hard it is.

don't save us from the flames

man, what happened to halloween?

my childhood memories were nothing but good times -- dressing up like a goof, hanging out with friends, lots of free candy -- just a whole night of sugar filled adventure.

it seems there just aren't as many kids out nowadays though, i'm not sure if its just my neighbourhood or what, but trick-or-treating doesn't seem nearly as popular as it used to be. maybe the kids are all inside, playing video games.

on the other hand, i did notice that most of the kids i saw out were being driven from house to house by their parents.

come on.

is that really necessary? are you so lazy that you don't want to walk to your neighbours with your child? you feel the need to idle your car for an hour while you drive a grand total of two clicks? lazy bastards. i vow never to drive my child trick-or-treating unless i live in the boonies or something, and even then i might still just walk with them.

what's with our society's obsession with safety? with sheltering children from reality? safe parks, safe toys, safe foods, safe sports, safe everything.

how are they suppose to learn anything about the world if we just protect them all the time? aren't we just ill-preparing them for a world that (to put it mildly) isn't all that safe and cozy?

let them scrape some knees. let them go exploring their neighbourhood on their own. let them use some imagination to create their own worlds, instead of providing everything for them because we thinks its in their best interest. let kids be kids man.

halloween used to be exciting because it was like a treasure hunt. what candy did i get? who was dressed as what? can we scare people? can we find the house that gives the best loot? which street has the most generous people? who should we egg?

i hate talking about "back when i was a kid", but gosh darn it! it just had to be said.

i'm so glad i wasn't born any later, or i'd have been stuck with crappy plastic parks and healthy granola bar treats for halloween.

ew.