you're alive

searching for inspiration.

i will write an awesome melody. oh yes, i will write an awesome melody.

european oils

most people would say i'm laid back, but if you have spent enough time around me, and if you've seen me in the right situations, you'd quickly learn that i'm actually a really competitive guy. in my younger days, i'd say it was actually bordering on over competitive.

with time and age however, i've learned to only be selectively competitive. i've realized there are things more important than winning, and now i'm more concerened with effort and doing things to the best of my abilities than i am with the outcome.

lately i've been finding myself unable to get motivated unless i essentially trick myself into being competitive. i make finding a job a matter of pride. i make being self-disciplined a war against the people who have a set idea about the kind of guy i am and what i'm like. at times, it's a war against myself even.

i've approached my spiritual life exactly the way i'd approach basketball -- i'm facing a challenge and doing it for the sake of pride. because i want to win. because i want to prove i'm better than you think i am.

it's a psychological thing. athletes do it all the time. kevin garnett has often been described as psyching himself up so much before games that he wants to kill the other team once he steps on the floor. kobe has thrived on the haters. even when people shower him with love, he somehow skews it in his mind into doubt, and he uses that to fuel his game.

it works for me. it makes me more productive than i could otherwise be. but i don't know if i can keep this up.

can i really WILL myself to love God? can i make it a matter of pride to be devoted? to be strong? to be sacrifical and obediant? do the means justify the end?

i feel like i'm proving to myself that i can do this. when in the end, i should be depending on Him to finish the job he started. and i do. but i'm so scared to take my hands off the wheel -- to fall into the trap of doing nothing at all with naive expectations.

is that really trust? i don't know. no one said it'd be easy, but i know things will happen in time. i will follow through the best i can. what more can i do?

He will replace the shame in my heart with fire.

what's mine is yours

looks like we have a RHF update. head on over and check out what those crazy high fivin' robots are up to now.

so speaking of learning things, although i can think coherently at 4am and get work done, it is painfully evident that the phase of my life where this was my prime productivity time is long, long gone.

what is it about night time that seems to get the creative juices flowing anyways? the only time i write anything amusing during the day is when i've just pulled an all nighter.

exhaustion breeds originality. which in my mind equates originality and stupidity to being pretty much the exact same thing.

clover

is it just me, or are bitter people just flat out more interesting than happy people? i mean seriously, compare your content and optimistic friends to your cynical and jaded friends and tell me who would keep you more engaged in a three hour conversation.

sure, it might make you feel better to hear the words "it's all good" over and over, but come on. everyone loves to hear some dellusional and irrational ranting. it's what makes conversations worth having. it's just so much more amusing seeing people spew forth vicious bile from their souls rather than just gloss everything over with a contrite little sheen, like putting an eric lindros rookie card into a plastic protective sleeve.

we're too hard on bitter people. hell, i only wish i was more bitter sometimes. i do my best work when i'm bitter. those who know me can attest to this -- nothing feeds a hateful heart better than when life gives you lemons. in fact, even when life gives me grapefruits i still find it's more fun to complain than it is to settle for being content. besides, grapefruits taste like crap, they're pink, and they're too large to carry around in a brown paper bag. who the hell wants a grapefruit?

where would we be without the egocentric? the self-focused? the narcissistic?

we'd be bored, thats where we'd be. so give a little love to your bitter side; its natures defence against a mid/quarter/any-sort-of-quasi-dead-end life crisis.

unrelated, but i bought a box of pant hangers today. although i have absolutely no use for them, at 15 cents a hanger, i have no regrets whatsoever about my purchase. if the success of my days were measured in the boxes of pant hangers i amassed, then today would be a great day. a great day indeed.

grasshoppers in honey

you know, life is a lot like a jamaican beef patty. they're cold and frozen to start, but depending on how much effort and time you put into making them, they can either come out kind of wet and droopy, or nice and flakey. and everything is filled with mildly spicy beef.

ok, so maybe life isn't like a caribbean meat pastry. man am i sick of eating patties. on the bright side, a bag of dried mangoes has appeared in the pantry. mmm...tasty.

anyways, the moral of the story is that sometimes you need to just recognize the fact that life is going to keep on keepin' on even if we try to fight it. there's a lot to be said for chasing our emotions, but there's a lot to be said for understanding when to put in work, and when to cut our losses. mistakes are made, lessons are learned. but in the end, it's at the very least a very satisfying feeling when you know that in retrospect, you actually did make the right choices using experienced gained from the past. it's like -- hey look! i'm an adult!

and as everyone knows, that's half the battle.

now that i think about it, maybe life is more like a bottle of yop....

no....no its not.

tonight i'm gone

my desktop looks awesome now. thanks to some help from ry and a spiffy new winamp skin, i must say my computer is more amusing to use now because everything just looks so damn cool. novelty is an amazing thing.

so lessons learned today are that when in doubt, don't trust anyone. if you want something done right you gotta just do it yourself dern it.

i like how maybe becomes half-truths, and things unsaid turn into things said when stories are told.

if i vow to do one thing, it's to be aware of what comes out of my mouth at all times.

also, i hate cammie. foreeeeeeever.

woodland hunter (part 1)

although that last.fm chart says "last week", it actually lists the 3 most recent songs played. i don't know why it says it's from last week, the internet is full of little tricks like that. you gotta keep your head up or you could be the next chump.

it's weird how much can change in the blink of an eye.

despite the saying 'a picture is worth a thousand words', i still think there are many things words can explain so much more precisely than an image. that might sound simplistic, but it's surprising how much visual interpretation we make in a day.

but anyways, here's some simple words -- i want to be a musician....dreams die so hard.

ghostwork

i don't know what's more upsetting -- the prospect that nobody really knows me, or that people know me way too well.

are those options mutually exclusive? oh wait, let me rephrase that; does that make for a good venn diagram?

my friends are nerds. all nerds.

feral children

it vexes me when i have a sore muscle, but do not know how to stretch it. has that ever happened to you? my inner thighs are sore, but i can honestly say i've never felt those muscles sore before. it's a completely new experience, like the first time my butt was sore after a dragonboat practice. in hindsight, it took me an entire month before i figured out how to stretch my butt. i still have time.

the search for a job enters week two after a relaxing and enjoyable weekend on the slopes. i've decided after this weekend to put hot-tubs fairly high on my list of "things that will probably end up getting me killed", right between "fast food" and "chivalry".

i have a long list of bookmarked jobs that i am in the process of applying to systematically. i have ones that i'd prefer to get, but unlike any other job search i've ever conducted, i have to admit that this is probably the least picky i've ever been.

it has been pointed out by some that i (literally) tend to throw money around. and i'll concede that it's true -- i don't have the kind of respect for money that i really should because i've just come by it so easily in my life. be it jobs that i aquired without much effort, or just serendipitous windfalls, money has never been a problem for me.

as a result, i tend to think of it as...not a big deal. i don't follow up very closely when people owe me money, and treat others even when i don't have a steady income. i act like it grows on trees. i haven't decided if this is a bad thing, but i am undoubtedly starting to realize the pragmatic implications of my attitude.

i am....going to be poor. and this is of course by design, as anyone who knows me has probably discovered i have a disdain for being well-heeled. yet....bear no grudge against the well-heeled lifestyle. it's like this conflict, where i don't want to stop treating myself well, but refuse to not feel guilty for it. my hypocrisy makes my head hurt.

maybe the time has come for me to admit that i need to just learn to be thankful for what i have instead of worry about why i have it. maybe i'm not as bad as i think i am. maybe....i should be worrying about more important things?

arc of a journey

it's pretty amazing how different a day can be if you just chug through the initial painfulness. even the worst days can turn around with some luck and perspective.

things i've learned today....

- i had an inkling, but now it's confirmed: i hate the bus
- winning a free coffee can jump me from content to ecstatic pretty easily
- days where i do not leave my house should forever be banned from my existance
- it takes my backpack about 3 hours to go from soaking wet to bone dry
- my parents are only getting more absent-minded with every passing day
- i'm starting to feel bad when i make fun of them for it

am i getting soft, or is the reality of the situation finally not cool to make fun of anymore? i don't know.

a plain morning

so, does anyone actually remember what life was like before the internet?

i was talking to irene earlier this week and we were saying how naked we felt without our cell phones. so strangely helpless. it's amazing we went half our lives without those little things. how did anyone get anything organized? i don't remember.

anyways, here's an interesting story. i might have mentioned this before, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately.

a few summers ago i got a job selling subscriptions to the national post. so i was doing my thing, out in front of a food basic store with my little booth and stack of newspapers.

this old jewish lady walks up to me, and we strike up a conversation about various newspapers. she says she hates the star, and happily obliges to subscribe to the senior rate.

somehow, we get onto the topic of me, and how i ended up standing in my dress pants in the vestibule of a budget grocery store in the middle of my summer vacation. she tells me she worked all sorts of crappy jobs once, and never regretted any mistake. and she says to me this quirky little quote that i'll probably never forget:

you gotta be young and stupid before you can be old and wise.

i never ever forgot that. sometimes i expect myself to know it all and do it all the way its suppose to be done. i mean, i'll be honest -- i've done a lot of stupid things in my time. but i can't say i didn't glean valuable experiences from them.

am i proud? no. but i learned. i have to catch myself everytime i say to someone "i feel old", because....i'm not. there's this huge margin of error for us to work with. we should probably take advantage of that while we can.

end of freedom

a lot of times people wonder why i'm so attached to my car. i tend to mention that it breaks a lot, not breakdown, but just....break. electrical stuff, control arms, minor details that add up to be annoying and expensive to repair. the maintanence on that sucker is probably more than i should stand(or my family cares to pay).

and yet, i wouldn't trade it in for the world. and if i could have any new car, i'd love to buy a brand new audi/vw and stick within the family.

why? why do i love the hassle? the inconveniance?

because....these cars have personality. they're fun. i can grow close to them. i don't know anyone attached to their corolla, because they're so...utilitarian and sterile.

i love the funky blue lights. the tight and responsive steering. the perfect weight of the perfectly sized and shaped wheel. even the location of the dead pedal.

it all just feels....right.

i've had more good memories in my car than i can remember. it'll be a sad day when i finally have to put it down.

between the bars

there's something poetic in the way that life manages to twist us around. when we feel like things are all figured out, we always get put in our place. we know nothing.

it's the universe. it's god. it's all those things.

we can't pretend to understand why things happen when they do.

"no one sets out to be a great man. just be a man, and let history decide"

what else can you do?

post plethoric rhetoric

i rejoin the ranks of the unemployed with a new look.

comments to come.