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most people would say i'm laid back, but if you have spent enough time around me, and if you've seen me in the right situations, you'd quickly learn that i'm actually a really competitive guy. in my younger days, i'd say it was actually bordering on over competitive.

with time and age however, i've learned to only be selectively competitive. i've realized there are things more important than winning, and now i'm more concerened with effort and doing things to the best of my abilities than i am with the outcome.

lately i've been finding myself unable to get motivated unless i essentially trick myself into being competitive. i make finding a job a matter of pride. i make being self-disciplined a war against the people who have a set idea about the kind of guy i am and what i'm like. at times, it's a war against myself even.

i've approached my spiritual life exactly the way i'd approach basketball -- i'm facing a challenge and doing it for the sake of pride. because i want to win. because i want to prove i'm better than you think i am.

it's a psychological thing. athletes do it all the time. kevin garnett has often been described as psyching himself up so much before games that he wants to kill the other team once he steps on the floor. kobe has thrived on the haters. even when people shower him with love, he somehow skews it in his mind into doubt, and he uses that to fuel his game.

it works for me. it makes me more productive than i could otherwise be. but i don't know if i can keep this up.

can i really WILL myself to love God? can i make it a matter of pride to be devoted? to be strong? to be sacrifical and obediant? do the means justify the end?

i feel like i'm proving to myself that i can do this. when in the end, i should be depending on Him to finish the job he started. and i do. but i'm so scared to take my hands off the wheel -- to fall into the trap of doing nothing at all with naive expectations.

is that really trust? i don't know. no one said it'd be easy, but i know things will happen in time. i will follow through the best i can. what more can i do?

He will replace the shame in my heart with fire.