o h m y g o d

"Sometimes I can not forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep,
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep.
While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter,
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other,
Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear the keeps me silent,
Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder, we all feel the need through wonder.
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder.

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven,
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up.
Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them.
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals,
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance,
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God."

and the snow made it perfect.

as it turns out, the second i even heeded the voice of the cynical side, it was over. i realized i was no longer content because i was content. and the fact that i knew i was soon going to have to move from my contented spot immediately made me discontented.

we. people. i. am such a fool. always thinking its whats in the picture that matters -- that means anything in the long run. when really, it's irrelevant.

the work, the accolades, the great situations, the perfect people, the fortunate happenstances.

it all comes up short when the din dies down, and you start to really think about it. when that cynical voice starts to question, and pushes you to want more -- to consume more, desire more, think that more will help you feel what you need to feel.

and really -- what you needed was not a feeling.

it was meaning.

a meaning that was here all along.

a meaning that never left you in the first place.

a meaning for which i am thankful beyond words.