agent zero

it means a lot for me. live '95 was the first basketball video game i ever had. being on the cover of a video game is not something you dream of. making it to the nba, winning championships, yea, but for some reason, being on the cover of a video game isn't one of those things; so when i got it, i came to tears.

(gilbert arenas, on being on the cover of this year's NBA Live game.)

how could anybody not love gilbert arenas. the dude averaged 28.4 points per game last year, and still he cried when he found out he was going to be on the cover of NBA live.

he's like, if you put one of your favorite friends who happens to be a basketball nut, and transplanted him into the body of a near perfect NBA physical specimen. he just doesn't have the attitude that makes so many other professional athletes annoying -- gil is a normal person. he does, thinks, and says things the average person can relate to.

how can you not love that swag?

hibachi!

insurance

i like how when you buy new shoes, they often come with a spare pair of shoelaces.

laces are one of the most over-looked items in our daily lives. unless you wear loafers, these innocuous slivers of plastic tipped string play an integral role in our waking productivity. can you imagine how annoying it would be if our shoelaces suddenly vanished?

our shoes would come flying off our feet. we wouldn't be able to run, or even walk at a brisk pace, without our shoes coming off. we would loose any sort of ankle support; construction workers would be at peril; the inhabitants of nunavut would freeze; firefighters would singe all the hair off their toes. it would be chaos.

i realize this is less of an issue for females, what with their plethora of lace-less pumps and sandals, but still, recall the many times during the week you thank god for the comfort and practicality of your trusty, dependable sneakers. our ability to do routine tasks would be severely hindered without the lowly shoelace, holding everything together in its strong and silent manner.

it is for this reason that i appreciate the spare shoelaces that come with my shoes. not only are they a different colour -- allowing me to personalize (in so much as having 2 options constitutes a personalization) the appearance of my kicks -- but it is also a constant reminder that somebody, somewhere, understands how important these shoelaces really are, and had the foresight to ensure my ability to function should i for whatever reason lose or break a lace.

this attention to detail is the kind of thing that makes the world seem like a more bearable place to be. so wherever you are, shoelace woman or man, i thank you. it is because of you, and the unwavering strength of shoelaces everywhere, that i will sleep easier tonight.

god bless, and goodnight.

they do

now that's what i call a wedding.

congrats to the lovely couple; cheers for the great weekend.

now where's that advil...

vampires hate italians

we like to convince ourselves of things we know are not true.

this is a fact of life, and despite our sometimes adamant denial of this seemingly naive behavior, we all know it happens, and often. this is why we usually laugh at people when they say things like "i hate linkin park", "i find reality television to be inane, and would surely watch more tv if american idol were replaced by a show that chronicled the history of long-division", or "i'm not really looking for a relationship right now".

people 90% of the time do not believe individuals who make broad sweeping and quasi-pretentious sounding comments like this. in fact, people who tend to make these comments usually do not even believe themselves. regardless, this is behavior that we succumb to all the time.

we need to lie to ourselves once in a while just to make our lives seem that tiny bit more bearable. be it a false sense of intellectualism, anti-intellectualism, or some sort of self-reverse psychology to combat our underlying desires to be wanted, we will often tell ourselves whatever it takes to keep ourselves sane. and strangely enough, we will force ourselves to believe it, despite how absurd it might be to think some people genuinely find the OC to be utterly unentertaining, or that ambient music is honestly more complex than sitting in a coin-operated laundromat with a blindfold on.

these are all things we know inherently. and yet we constantly wake up everyday and attempt to brainwash ourselves otherwise, for no other reason than we fear who we might really be, or what others might think of us should they ever get to actually know us.

this is why we let so few people into our inner sanctum's, and why falling in love can often be such a journey fraught with peril -- that level of trust is sacred in our relationships, be it with friends or lovers, and the thought that someone might view our inner workings and have the audacity to not just escape us, but tell the world about our issues; well, that's enough to bring a person to convince themselves animal collective make catchy music.

if anything is degrading in our society, i find it is our ability as human beings to be honest -- both with ourselves and other people. and i'm not quite sure why. somehow, through some entirely non-scientific method (or perhaps an entirely scientific method), i would like to figure out why this is. and perhaps even more importantly, i hope i won't have to keep pretending i hate romantic comedies to do so.

question

you have been given the choice to turn yourself into the most physically attractive person in the world. do you do it?

worth noting however, is that your actual physical make-up does not change. what you are in effect doing, is making every other individual in the world less attractive than you currently are, thus placing you at the top of the hottie heap.

does this change your answer?

the cheese stands alone

a lot of us seem to be entering our mini-mid life crisis phases. people getting married wonder whether it's smart to be getting married. people not getting married wonder why nobody wants to marry them. it's all terribly confusing, and frankly when you step back for some perspective, it's all incredibly humorous.

today we will focus on an endangered species: the single.

much like the northern right whale, single people are becoming an increasingly rare breed. as their numbers decrease, these poor creatures are forced to seek out others of their ilk, forming small isolated packs. complicating matters, poachers and married couples often prey on these pods for the sake of the ever controversial sport of matchmaking. indeed, protesters continue to rally the canadian government to shutdown the aboriginal tradition of "clubbing" that takes place almost weekly in most major urban centers. many animal rights activists have condemned the ritual as "tiring and over priced".

unlike the related but thriving "involved" species of singles, "non-involved" singles tend to spend most of their time griping about their lack of numbers, drinking alone, and generally manifesting various incarnations of narcissism about whether or not they are actually too good for anybody they currently know or have known in their lives. conversely, some scientists argue this erratic behavior is actually the cause of many single individual's problems. this theory continues to be debated as evidence is thusfar inconclusive.

currently, a body of research is building that indicates a direct correlation between the dwindling number of singles, and what federal wild life experts have coined "intimacy and commitment issues"; a disease that often leaves singles defenseless against and unable to adapt to the rugged environment of their natural dating scenes.

non-involved singles can often be identified in the wild by their looks of indifference in group outings, cynicism about life in general, and a propensity for temporary platonic bonds with other non-involved singles.

experts are unsure if the rapid decline in the single population is a natural and cyclical phenomenon, or attributable to changes in climate and ecological systems due to pollution, greenhouse gasses, and existential boredom.

if you would like to donate to the cause of S.O.S., please send a cheque with your monetary contribution to the S.O.S. fund at:

Save Our Singles
p.o. box 12854
m2k 2a2
toronto, ontario, canada.

for more information about singles, refer to resources at your local warhammer store, adult video rental location, or gentlemens club at 11am.

something else

if there is one thing i wish we had gotten to do in new york, it would have been to attend a US Open match. one of the random danish guys i met in the hostel was talking about how he went to watch a federer match, and now as i watch him shrug off the best that andy roddick has to throw at him, i want to witness him live even more.

it's pretty fortunate that i've been around to see some great athletes in their prime. gretzky, jordan, woods and federer, that's pretty ridiculous. i'm proud of the fact that i will one day be able to say i saw these guys doing their thing.

some might argue federer isn't the best tennis player ever. but watching him play, it's not so much the fact that he wins so much: it's how he wins that's impressive. the dude is a tennis robot. it's unbelievable.

i also must admit that watching tennis so much this year has given me a somewhat greater appreciation for the sport. there's a beauty about individual competition that i can only parallel to boxing, where in one match you have nobody but yourself to hide behind. it's not like team sports where you can have an off night and still contribute -- in tennis, you have to bring it consistently, every night.

other random notes:

- venus williams has lost a tremendous amount of weight. she now looks borderline attractive.
- i've said it before but i'll say it again: roger federer's girlfriend is really not that special. he could definitely do better.
- tennis is perhaps the only sport where what you wear while you play is arguably just as important as how well you play. it's the closesting thing the sporting world has to a fashion runway.
- i miss new york.

*edit scoop jackson bit my post.

how does this guy get famous simply by writing in the most hyperbolic fashion he can imagine? how many things can possibly be the best thing ever when comparing apples to oranges?

nobody has ever stolen my ideas so blatantly in the history of story stealing.

ever.

boroughs one through five