a lot of us seem to be entering our mini-mid life crisis phases. people getting married wonder whether it's smart to be getting married. people not getting married wonder why nobody wants to marry them. it's all terribly confusing, and frankly when you step back for some perspective, it's all incredibly humorous.
today we will focus on an endangered species: the single.
much like the northern right whale, single people are becoming an increasingly rare breed. as their numbers decrease, these poor creatures are forced to seek out others of their ilk, forming small isolated packs. complicating matters, poachers and married couples often prey on these pods for the sake of the ever controversial sport of matchmaking. indeed, protesters continue to rally the canadian government to shutdown the aboriginal tradition of "clubbing" that takes place almost weekly in most major urban centers. many animal rights activists have condemned the ritual as "tiring and over priced".
unlike the related but thriving "involved" species of singles, "non-involved" singles tend to spend most of their time griping about their lack of numbers, drinking alone, and generally manifesting various incarnations of narcissism about whether or not they are actually too good for anybody they currently know or have known in their lives. conversely, some scientists argue this erratic behavior is actually the cause of many single individual's problems. this theory continues to be debated as evidence is thusfar inconclusive.
currently, a body of research is building that indicates a direct correlation between the dwindling number of singles, and what federal wild life experts have coined "intimacy and commitment issues"; a disease that often leaves singles defenseless against and unable to adapt to the rugged environment of their natural dating scenes.
non-involved singles can often be identified in the wild by their looks of indifference in group outings, cynicism about life in general, and a propensity for temporary platonic bonds with other non-involved singles.
experts are unsure if the rapid decline in the single population is a natural and cyclical phenomenon, or attributable to changes in climate and ecological systems due to pollution, greenhouse gasses, and existential boredom.
if you would like to donate to the cause of S.O.S., please send a cheque with your monetary contribution to the S.O.S. fund at:
Save Our Singles
p.o. box 12854
m2k 2a2
toronto, ontario, canada.
for more information about singles, refer to resources at your local warhammer store, adult video rental location, or gentlemens club at 11am.
5 comments:
hahahahah. dude. you've gotta cite your resources. i especially want to read the article that shows that there is "a direct correlation between dwindling number of singles and intimacy and commitment issues". haha.
hahaah that's too funny! Match making is a fun sport. I'm still 0.5 for 1.5 (see if you can guess how that works). Although i think if i did set up that valentines day blind date for 2 certain people we know, who knows, they might have hit it off hahaha. Or least it would have been super amusing for me.
So far i have been sticking to the "get mutual friends together and hang out in a relaxed atmosphere and see if they hit it off themselves or if there is interest. So far 0 for 5 that way but i blame the people for lack of initiative on their part hahaha. At least this way if they arent intersted they dont have to spend a lot of time with them.
that was incredibly amusing. I'll be accepting donations too, thank you. i told you i need more friends, were a dying breed.
i have no idea how stephs scoring system works...
hahaha, well done, sir, well done
*lmao* hats off to u my friend.
if u can distribute some of those funds down here it would be greatly appreciated. thanks.
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