get that worm

yes, the webcam is up (most of the day). enjoy to your voyeuristic hearts content.

i don't think i can classify what i did last night as "sleeping". it really was more like napping. suffice to say, my mind was preoccupied. mostly with trying to understand why i couldn't sleep. a catch-22 some might say, and i wouldn't disagree, but i don't care enough to analyze it. all i know is i couldn't sleep, so i might as well go do something productive and run around.

does it ever seem like the more you set out to do in a day, the less you seem to accomplish? as ridiculous as it sounds, i think i need to simplify my life and strip away all the crap that isn't really serving a real purpose. some people are looking for more in life....i think i need to learn to enjoy the basics, and not take things that i have for granted.

i've always been lazy. i've always been indifferent, apathetic, indifferent to a fault. but it's never worried me like it does at the moment -- with my entire future hanging in the balance.

that's always been my problem. i've been told so many times that i just never do what i say i will -- do what i should -- and as a result, what i could. i think back to (literally) grade one report cards that say:

"simon has lots of potential but hasn't reached it yet. he also talks too much"

why don't i care? the million dollar question. i'd give anything to have the desire and passion of Paul, or the faith and patience of Job. i don't have it rough, but until i care, i'll never have it great.

i'm tired of being potential....or existing for the sake of existing.

7But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. 8Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, 11if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

phil 3:7-11

i told my small group at acf retreat how badly i want to have that kind of passion. something in my heart that i too could throw all of myself into, and throw everything else by the wayside in order to have it.

what drives people to live everyday....responsibility? dreams? obligation? routine?

i know what i want to drive me, but i can say that right now, it's not all that much. but i'm driven to figure out why i'm not driven. and i guess thats a start.

now to go work on my floater and outside jumper....