portrait of an apology

this past weekend at church we had an egyptian christian retelling his testimony of how he was imprisoned and tortured in egypt for his faith. he told a daring story of courage, faith, and adventure, that ultimately led to him escaping a 100-thousand dollar fatwah in egypt by stealing a sea-doo, and racing between israeli and egyption warships in order to claim UN-political refuge status in israel. eventually, he was freed and supported by the UN and Amnesty International.

i must say, it was a hell of a story. he was tortured like....Alias style, the kind of stuff you only see in movies. he had to hide from authorities in his own city, escaping by night like some....egyptian...ninja guy....

anyways, his ultimate message was that every day, there are millions of persecuted christians that we should be praying for and stuff. to which i can't help but think, are persecuted christians really the greatest of my worries? i mean, i respect his exemplary strength and courage, but frankly it seems kind of hypocritical to concern myself only with persecuted christians. what about muslims in our western society? sure, they're not overtly tortured, but surely they live under an opressive social stigma in our current day and time. should i not pray for their rights? for cultural understanding in our own home? the hundreds of political prisoners taken in by the US government and held indefinitely in secret, without trial nor trace?

i dunno. i guess i have no point. i don't want to say the dude's message was unimportant, because i'm sure it is. all i know is that i felt kind of insulted that we should for whatever reason care more about certain persecuted individuals than others, simply because they are the same religion as me.

is that silly? i mean, i suppose it's like how we're expected to care more about our own family than strangers. but is it....actually, wrong to care about strangers as much as your family? would i be morally and ethically misprioritized if i took a bullet for a stranger before my own brother?

i'd like to think not. maybe i'm naively altruistic, or maybe i don't love my family enough. i dunno, but either way it bothers me to think otherwise.

the lottery

i can't believe it's october 24th.

where the hell did this month go? i mean, seriously. i actually might have to start doing some school work at this pace.

my favourite things about living alone, most of which i had forgotten i loved:

+ playing music as loud as i want
+ peace and quiet
+ i can do my laundry whenever i damn please
+ playing music as loud as i want at 3am
+ taking a dump with the door open
+ nothing is as comforting as a game of DOTA, with the volume cranked, while drinking good wine from the bottle.
+ i can wake up without someone ripping my comforter off me and carrying it upstairs
+ having friends over
+ freedom to come and go at anytime without feeling guilty
+ i don't have to wear pants
+ always have the car
+ the television is never...ever on fairchild
+ getting to cook again. i had forgotten that was actually kind of fun.

cons:

+ boy am i hungry
+ i think i have scurvy

where cedar nouns and adverbs walk

this band has....blown my face off.

i find myself listening to an awful lot of cancon lately. must be all that cbc radio permeating my very soul.

anyways, life continues to roll along -- surprises are rare, but i find changes are more and more common every day. if that makes any sense? i rarely do i suppose.

we're all getting busier it seems. everyone is starting to settle into phases of life.

some of us are really digging into school, some of us into careers, and some of us still searching, or perhaps dabbling in some of both. either way, i can finally see the paths i have walked with friends for so many years begin to diverge. not that this is a bad thing, nor would i ever wish for complacency or stagnation among my friends or any of their individual journeys.

nonetheless, it's an observation that is at once exciting, yet bittersweet. i know no one is actually GOING anywhere (well, with the sole exceptions being those who are already gone) but being in the same city is not the same as being in the same lives.

moreover, being in the same lives in different capacities is sometimes the same as having to adjust to people being physically away.

i'm not being all pansy or anything, it's not like i'm sitting here crying over my keyboard. i still see people, i talk to people, i keep in touch the best i can.

but when you step back, right now you can actually see us growing up. coming in and out, relationships changing, evolving, dying and blossoming. it happens all the time, but it seems with the way this school year has started, these things are going to start happening kind of in bunches.

maybe it's because i've been kind of disconnected from large groups lately. maybe my time in relative isolation has led me to exist more on my individual relationships than i have in the past. maybe my feelings are circumstantial -- but then again, maybe i'm actually changing.

regardless, this kind of perspective on life is rare for me. so i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

enough

all of you
is more than enough for
all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me
with your love
and all i have in you, is more than enough

there's so much crap that i have my heart set on. so much pride, so much envy, so much bitterness, so much selfishness. i've sung this song a million times, and it still floors me to think that i might reach the point where i'm truly content in God. that i would be able to stand in front of Him and say with honesty that His love -- His will -- is all that i want and need.

there's so much i have my heart set on. so unwilling to let go of my own desires.

but i know He's perfecting a work in me, and what He's started he has promised to finish. and that's something i can stand on.

more than enough.

hanging on for hope

its hard sometimes to keep track of where you stand in your faith -- and sometimes, whether you're standing at all. i could correlate my current malaise with falling into routine, closing myself off to others, or perhaps even being burnt out by a few strings of exhausting days. but deep down, i know all these things aren't issues that i can't't deal with.

the bigger thing -- the more frustrating thing -- is feeling disconnected from your Creator.

just feeling so helpless when you're in such a comfortable (and productive) routine, and yet knowing your priorities are so very very misplaced. i mean, i may be doing all the right things -- ok, not all, but some -- but for all the wrong reasons.

i feel like i've been so incredibly selfish, paralyzed by my own fears that God will take me places I don't want to go, because i am so comfortable with where i am in life. scared of more responsibility. scared that i could become this man who does great things for God, and yet knowing that in becoming that man, i would have to accept greater consequences for my actions. that i must be accountable to God and my brothers and sisters, and to my immediate family, more than i even believe i am capable of.

i.....feel like i'm being forced to grow up.

to stop pretending He's not asking me to do more. to be more.

i don't want to grow up. but i realize at some point, i'm going to have to.

we're all pretty old now, but that means so little. having my friends getting married, things are put in perspective in terms of the kinds of sacrifices and lifestyle changes that are going to have to occur -- inevitably -- for me to hold myself to higher standards. sacrifices suck.

it all sucks. and i don't want to do it. i want to stamp my feet, and whine like a small child. it startles me a little how resistant and defensive i become even when i think about this train of thought, and talk to...uh...myself, about it.

but i also realize very very clearly now that if i keep on resisting, if i keep ignoring all the little whispers and chances God gives me, i'm going to end up destroying every hope and dream i've ever had.

and that's possibly the one thing scary enough to move me towards the right direction.

thermal theatre

question du jour: whatever happened to carpenter pants? did they gradually become uncool? because it seems like one day they just dissapeared. in all honesty, i don't even know what happened to the pair i had.

short term goal of the moment: use my sauna sometime in the near future. i could use a nice sweat, my room is an icebox. read into that what you will.

current long term goals: talk my parents into buying a new digital camera so i can have their old one. as hand me downs go, my dad's third tier goods are usually still nicer and newer than my own.