hanging on for hope

its hard sometimes to keep track of where you stand in your faith -- and sometimes, whether you're standing at all. i could correlate my current malaise with falling into routine, closing myself off to others, or perhaps even being burnt out by a few strings of exhausting days. but deep down, i know all these things aren't issues that i can't't deal with.

the bigger thing -- the more frustrating thing -- is feeling disconnected from your Creator.

just feeling so helpless when you're in such a comfortable (and productive) routine, and yet knowing your priorities are so very very misplaced. i mean, i may be doing all the right things -- ok, not all, but some -- but for all the wrong reasons.

i feel like i've been so incredibly selfish, paralyzed by my own fears that God will take me places I don't want to go, because i am so comfortable with where i am in life. scared of more responsibility. scared that i could become this man who does great things for God, and yet knowing that in becoming that man, i would have to accept greater consequences for my actions. that i must be accountable to God and my brothers and sisters, and to my immediate family, more than i even believe i am capable of.

i.....feel like i'm being forced to grow up.

to stop pretending He's not asking me to do more. to be more.

i don't want to grow up. but i realize at some point, i'm going to have to.

we're all pretty old now, but that means so little. having my friends getting married, things are put in perspective in terms of the kinds of sacrifices and lifestyle changes that are going to have to occur -- inevitably -- for me to hold myself to higher standards. sacrifices suck.

it all sucks. and i don't want to do it. i want to stamp my feet, and whine like a small child. it startles me a little how resistant and defensive i become even when i think about this train of thought, and talk to...uh...myself, about it.

but i also realize very very clearly now that if i keep on resisting, if i keep ignoring all the little whispers and chances God gives me, i'm going to end up destroying every hope and dream i've ever had.

and that's possibly the one thing scary enough to move me towards the right direction.