the avalanche

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

Psalm 19:8-9

i find there are times where i choose to ignore Him. where i'm ashamed, or i refuse to admit there is only one correct stand to take. times where i don't want to seem like i'm fanatical in front of my friends, or admit that despite all the hopes and dreams i share with others, i really do live only for one reason.

i don't want people to think i'm some bible thumping, hell preaching, conservative mudslinging hypocrite who does nothing but judge.

that's not me.

and in maintaining that anti-perception, i find at times i feel like i have to compromise anything that might even remotely taint me with that brush. and it's hard. because the truth is, there are times i want to stand up and scream the message from the moutains. but i remain subtle. i maintain tactful, because i feel that is the safe way to go.

but i know that's not necessarily what i should be doing. sometime i know i'm being asked to be bold.

and yet i cannot commit to it.

like so much in life, hollow words flow from hollow hearts. is faith suppose to feel like school? must the distinction between discipline and joyful obediance be ascertained? and where?

people say all christians should be in africa helping the poor. if you ask me, there is logical truth to that -- but if people think for a second we're taking the easy way out by staying here, then i say you've obviously never been a christian.

it's easy to drop everything you're responsible for and live an idealized life.

it's harder to balance the reality of your circumstances with what you're trying to do and who you want to become.

laws don't usually give my heart much joy. i'm not sure what david experienced when writing this psalm -- probably something humbling and terribly painful, yet ultimately joyful in his total dependence on the Lord.

i long to feel that again. to know and trust to that extent again. to pray, and actually believe that what i'm praying for isn't just the selfish manifestations of my own misguided desires.