been watching morgan spurlock's "30 days" show recently. i find it really interesting and endearing in an "extreme home makeover" kind of way. except this show is not only emotionally heartwarming at its best moments, but actually informative and educational as well. it's kind of like "wife swap", but with a cultural/ethical bent. everyone should check it out, especially if you liked supersize me.
i should be asleep, but i can't stop thinking about stuff. like, all sorts of stuff. things i have to do, things i never did, things i can't control, things i must control. i guess when you realize what a juggling act every day is, life can seem rather intimidating. double, triple booking my days and just trying to squeeze everything in before school starts -- its enough to drive a guy to insomnia.
this past sunday, i was actually planning to sleep through church again. sometimes i just go to bed on saturday nights and i think to myself "i'd rather sleep". so i turn off my alarm, and just plan to not wake up until noon. i tell people i slept in when they ask at times, but the truth is half the time i just...skipped...church. not exactly the kind of thing i'm proud of, but i'm not going to lie and say just because i teach sunday school, or play a guitar, that these things don't happen.
the thing is, church to me is a lot like class. i *know*i should go. and i know that if i go, i'll like it, and enjoy it, and learn from it. yet sometimes i'm just so indifferent towards something i know is good that i don't even care that it's good. how sad is that?
anyways, so for some reason my my mom left early for church sunday, and my dad walks in and says he's hitching a ride with me.
argh. my restful plans foiled.
so i wander into service 30 minutes late with my medium regular in hand, and spend most of the service playing little funny face games with the little kids in the overflow. to be honest, i don't even know what the sermon was about, but i do remember one single question being asked by pastor tim: "what is your refuge?"
even though i've retained almost nothing from sunday, that question has stuck with me. it is in my mind, because i know my refuge is not God. it's music. it's sports. it's friends. it's sleep. it's tv. it's reading. God is so far down that list it makes me shake my head, yet i can't force myself to care more. actually, often God is my *last* option. my deperation hail mary pass. my cliched and metaphorical emotional crutch.
sometimes i think it sucks being Christian. it's so much work -- so mentally and morally straining when things could just be simple. it's...tiring. and yet i know where the truth in my life has always been. and despite it all, at the end of the day i just can't deny that truth.
it's who i am. it's rewarding beyond anything i've ever known, if i would just let myself be committed to it. what else is new eh?
trying to learn to take refuge in God is my ultimate goal. it encompasses everything i know i need -- prayer, quiet time, obediance, relationship building. things i know i should be striving for but hardly ever do.
i guess admitting you have a problem is always step one.
everyone always makes a big deal abouts step one.
i'm finding in all honesty, every step only gets harder. for anyone who knows me, prolonged hard work is my kryptonite.
wish me luck.
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