Robotic High Five?

well, because the deadline has come and gone, i am sadly relegated to posting my little list here. enjoy it for the 20hours it is still relevant.

TOP FIVE O' OH FIVE

[1] [bloc party - silent alarm]

what do you say when people ask you “what kind of music do you listen to?”. don’t you hate being painted into a corner like that? if you say indie, you seem like a snob. if you say everything, you seem like you have no personality. and if you say rock….well…what does that even mean anymore? rock is nothing if not a fragmented beast right now, but along comes bloc party to answer the bell. they may not be metal, they’re not very heavy — but one listen and it’s all but assured you’ll nod and recognize real rock as ’silent alarm’ comes along and kicks you in the balls. with one of the best rhythm sections around today, clever writing and raw energy are rampant in every song as everyone tries to keep up with the maniacal machine gun drumming. sure, half the lyrics may be indescipherable, but who cares? did you hear that drum solo? did you shred air guitar with that riff? did you scream your lungs out during that bridge?

yea. that’s what i thought.

[2] [the triangles - magic johnson]

i don’t remember where, but i think somewhere in the guidebook to being an indie music snob it mentions the prerequisites for a great album…..

ah, here it is! “must be pretentious and challenging to listen to, and be ahead of the mainstream sound by at least year. defintions of music shall not necessarily be bogged down by things such as melodies and hooks”. ah, yes. you can tell a true indie-snob by how much they hate pitchfork. anyone who likes pitchfork is SUCH a poseur! anyways, who are the triangles you ask? that’s what i asked when i first heard this album. but boy, that question sure seemed irrelevant quickly. this album is easily the sweetest of the year, with classic male/female dueling vocals that drip of meloncholy yet sugary goodness. drawing from their australian surroundings and ragtag frankensteinian instrumentals (think fellow aussie octet architecture in helsinki), the triangles simply write songs that worm their way into your heart. amazing harmonies and some borrowed riffs from old christian hymns come together to create something not necessarily new — but definitely something gorgeous.

[3] [wolf parade - apologies to the queen mary]

“they sound like modest mouse”. that seems to be the general consensus of anyone i’ve played this album for. and of course, they mean that in the best possible way — after all, modest mouse blew up this year (by indie standards) and even made the cut by joining deathcab and the killers as staples on the OC soundtrack. how quickly our little bands grow up *sniff*. but despite some lilting vocals, perhaps the only other thing modest mouse and wolf parade share are the inate ability to write a perfect melody — and even more impressive, wolf parade boasts two guys who can do it, and take turns doing it over and over on this masterpiece. at first it may sound like another cliched canadian indie-pop/rock album, but further listening reveals an album that works together as a whole, with textures and song-writing that will blow you away. if this is a sign of things to come, wolf parade might just end up being bigger than christmukah. and catchier too.

[4] [why - elephant eyes]

it’s hard these days to find music that isn’t “like so-and-so, but with a mix of yadda-yadda”. music that can be considered original, creative, and yet not so challenging that you want to go put your head in a toilet just from trying to listen to it. Rapper Why has accomplished something that not too many other MC’s can lay claim to — he has crafted a brilliant indie-pop album. is it rap? yea, i guess. is it pop? yes. is it jangly folk-rock? you betcha. so what does it sound like? that much i can’t really describe. and all for the best, because with lyrical gems like “i’m fucking cold like a dq blizzard/you act like a slut but you’re really a freezer” half the beauty of this album is discovering every little detail on your own for the first time.

[5] [common - be]

common has always been like the cool friend that you want to hang around with. you know, the one that you would dress like a carebear for if he did it first. his last album being a bit hit-or-miss, common has come back with a vengence on a wave of cross-genre pop magic conjured up by his fellow chicago mc and collaborator/producer Kanye West. Cuts like “the corner” and “go” are literally instant classics, put together with a concious meticulousness to the art of hip-hop. recalling jazzanova rhythms and 70’s beats, “be” is an album even non-hip hop fans can get into — a classic Kanye trademark. Not to say that Kanye is what makes this album great. But when you add two guys as talented as this together, what you end up with is an album that’s greater than the sum of its parts. and that’s pretty darn tough to top.

now that i know

boxing day shooting

this is sad on so many levels.

if nothing has made you want to take accountability for your city -- to pray for toronto, to help your neighbour, to pull together for our community -- then this should be it.

this needs to stop. and it starts with each and every one of us.

the sounds of the office

why do people hate todd bertuzzi?

everyone's up in arms over the fact that he accidently fell on someone. and lets be clear on this -- did he intend to hurt steve moore? probbaly. did he intened to end his career? of course not! he probably didn't even intend for him to miss a single game. that's just how hockey is. you go after people all the time.

i don't understand how someone who claps after a hockey fight can say they don't support todd bertuzzi. and for those who want to ban fighting from hockey.....well....you're stupid. even baseball has fighting every once in a while, and everyone just sees those bench clearing brawls on ESPN every so often and says "hehheh, that's awesome!". hypocrites.

i don't get how a country that doesn't support capital punishment, believes in a reformative system of incarceration, and protects their criminals as citizens and people, can judge one man so harshly for one mistake.

people make mistakes. surprise! the next guy who says "i won't support canada because they selected todd bertuzzi" should look in the mirror. should their friends support them for stabbing them in the back? for not standing up to them? for taking the easy way out? lying to them?

if this were biblical days, bert would have been stoned to death a hundred times over by now. and we all know how jesus felt about stoning.....

your grace is enough

blogging at work makes me feel like i'm getting away with slacking.

then i realise that if i'm not blogging, i'm on the message board anyways, so really, there's no tangible difference. so away we go.

i've had some (i wouldn't say hard), but at the very least, thought provoking choices to make of late. i like to believe that i'm making the right decisions, and not trying to cheat the system by martyring myself. i can't fully say i completely believe this is the case, but i'm trying to figure things out as i go.

sad as it seems, i'm still reading jeremiah. i've been reading this book for like, the past 2 months. well, mainly because when i say i've been reading it, i mean i've been reading it once every 6-8 days, hahaha

but anyways, it never fails to amaze me how faithful God has always been. even in the face of an ignorant chosen people, even when his anger is burning and he has come to witts end, he always gives us the option of setting things straight with him.

and that's reassuring, you know? i think one of the hardest parts for me lately hasn't just been trying to do the right thing, but moreso trying not to do the wrong thing. and you just can't live that way. i mean, sometimes you just gotta go with it, and if you screw up, well -- lesson learned.

after a while, i figure i'll have failed enough to be able to see it coming.

or maybe not. maybe this is just the way things are, and growing means learning to live unafraid of our own flawed nature.

but hey -- there's always a choice. everyday is a choice...

let us love and sing and wonder

i like the soft fluffy snow. not the wet kind. even when it's coming down like the world is about to end, soft fluffy snow gives me this serene, comfortable feeling.

it's crazy how caught up with shopping people get this time of year. it makes even the strongest people feel weak at the knees with the urge to consume consume consume. all those sales signs, holiday offers, advertisements, the thrill of the bargain hunt -- it's enough to drive a guy into the trees.

i've decided i'm not going to do any boxing day shopping this year. i'm just tired of it. i'm so tired of that feeling of wanting.

luckily, all this snow has me in a festive mood, and i have tomorrow off. precious precious sleep, how i havemissed thee. i like how people are generally more chipper during the holidays. well, when they're not in the mall. once they're in the mall it's every man, woman, and child for themselves.

but at the office and stuff, everyone just seems so excited -- so childlike-- about the whole thing. i guess at heart, everyone has a soft spot for christmas.

except jews.

but that's ok, they actually get the best of both worlds, so i'm sure there's no complaints there. this got real random real fast....

i am your valley

have no fear, i am in fact still alive.

my extended absence from the online has been a product of equal parts apathy and dullness.

working a 9-5 job is....well....not terribly exciting. i mean, i can honestly say it's pretty enjoyable because of the great friends and co-workers there, and i know i'm lucky to be able to say that much.

at the same time, it's nothing to really write home about in terms of how i've been spending my time. i mean, really. i'm just.....working.

i have made a few observations however from my unique vantage point about this whole working experience. it has offered me a glimpse into a world that i previously had no knowledge of, but feared. naturally, my fears have all been confirmed, hahaha

the morning commute is something that truly straddles the line between hillarious and depressing. the morning stares are all around as people on the subway can pretty much all be lumped into 4 groups -- there are the readers (the metro, books, newspapers, whatever they can get their hands on), the sleepers, the morning zombies, and then there are the awkward eye-contact avoiders who are stuck in morning commute limbo -- they have no book, usually can't sleep because they're standing, and will read every ad in the train before trying to find somewhere safe to look at without staring at another person.

also, my cubicle directly faces the washrooms. this provides an entirely different vantage point for the quirkiness of the office envronment.

anyways, more to come. i was spurred to blog by a few people, but i've decided to come out with the light stuff instead of diving into the deeper workings of my brain lately.

almost christmas! i can't wait until they start showing charlie brown on tv. dum di dum dum dum dum dummmm dum, dum di dum dum dum dum dummmmm dum, dummmmm dummmmmmmmMMMMMM!!!!!!

(i'm doing my little peanuts-quick-foot shuffling dance as i type)

yuma az

for some strange and unexplainable reason, my body has been popping up uncomfortably early for an entire week or so now. and by early, i mean around 6:30am. it's quite perplexing.

at the same time however, it's also been quite nice. watching the sunrise in the mornings, getting lots of reading done, enjoying a nice coffee in the morning and brunch while getting all my errands done before late afternoon hits. it's refreshing, this being awake-during-the-day business. i feel more productive.

that may have to do with the fact however that all this time has made me.....well....more productive. i'm whittling down my to-do list quickly every day, and i'm enjoying every morning.

i think i'm officially addicted to coffee. on tuesday i had 4 cups.

before lunch.

i really can't get going without a cup in the morning it seems, and all this waking up early has resulted in a pattern of unavoidable early afternoon naps. i wonder if things will get worse when i actually start having to like.....do stuff....when i wake up. man that sounds tiring. i don't know how people live employed, running a morning routine. it's my darkest nightmare.

the downside of all the pretty snow outside is that as usual, my parents have decided to try and freeze me into submission. living in the basements has it's cons, and having to wear mittins when i watch tv is probably one of the biggest ones.

i feel like a hobo.

except without an oil-drum fire.
i've always wanted to huddle around a flaming oil-drum.

center

it's pretty special waking up in the morning to a world of freshly fallen snow.

it makes the world seem new again. it reminds me of so many things -- christmas, calvin and hobbes, uh....christmas.

sure, the realization that i'm going to have to trek through it at some point slowly dawns on me, and i realize i should probably buy some socks that don't have holes in them now that my feet are going to be cold and wet.

but hey! it's the first (real) snow of winter! who can complain? it's so nice and.....wintery

so many things to be thankful for amidst all the confusion.

sometimes we gotta stop trying to figure out what's going to happen and just trust that things will happen by themselves for the best.

and everyday is a fresh start. free from sin, free from guilt, free from mistakes. we're FREE.

praise the Lord.

buick to the moon

sometimes i struggle with the idea of grace.

nothing of value comes without being earned

it seems difficult for me at times to reconcile the idea of unconditional love and mercy, with the fact that i can't just rest on my laurels. that i have to earn everything i'm going to get out of life -- except life itself.

it seems like such a catch-22.

if i'm going to run the race -- to put in the hard work, discipline and effort required of me by God, then is it really.....a gift?

i'm having a hard time seeing the bigger picture. accepting the fact that what's going on here -- now -- isn't what's important at all.

sometimes it's hard to trust

and yet faith is all we have. faith in what you have experienced. faith in what you know to be true. faith in what you feel, and what you know.

all we have is faith.

faith in yourself. faith in others. faith in God.

what more is life but a test of faith?

i hope as i continue to grow, i can learn what it really means to be faithful. because it's as exciting as its ever going to be right now. everything i may be going through, i mean.

it's hard.

but it's fair.

in a radio song

.....but wait, there's more!

sometimes i like to stay up late and just watch informercials. it's pretty amazing what people are trying to sell. i assume that the target demographic of insomniacs and stoners are easily parted with money.

like that sauna belt that makes your abs sweaty? are you for real? i could do that by putting a few sweaters on and going for a jog up and down my stairs. i particularly love how in weight loss informercials they always have the before picture magically transform into a thinner after picture. including better hair, makeup and lighting.

amazing!

there are however a few infomercials things that i actually do want, even though i have no use for them. in these cases the product actually seems really cool, only because the show did a good job of selling.

like, a little giant ladder, hahahaha

i saw this thing with herb originally when we were still in school, and i still want one to this day. what do i need a ladder for? nothing really. but boy would it be useful if i ever did need a ladder one day.

i also kind of like the drill doctor. not that dull drill bits is a huge problem for me. but at least i can assure myself that they never will be.

for FOUR EASY PAYMENTS OF 39.99!

always

the continuing adventures of sherman and teresa.

so as some of you may or may not know, this entire week has basically been spent getting our house organized after the renovations. essentially we are doing a room a day.

i started with my bedroom, then the living room, dining room, and today my dad wanted to conquer the garage.

this was no small feat, as it was a mess of not just our stuff, but leftover junk from the previous owners, as well as all the crap that the contractors had left behind when they finished renovating.

towards the end, when we had finally organized everything, sorted through it, and thrown out what we didn't want, we were impressed with how much work we got done.

so, he started cleaning the floor. like, as if he was planning to live in the garage.

have you ever seen that episode of tiny toons where hampton is in the woods with a dustbuster trying to vacuum all the dirt from nature?

yea, something like that. he managed to fill a garbage bag purely with dust.

i asked him why he didn't just sweep it all outside, where it'll just blend in with all the other dust in the world.

his reply was to hand me a broom.

your hand in mine

extreme home makeover makes me feel all warm and fuzzy everytime.

i can't think of another television show that so regularly makes me want to just grab someone and hug them.

if only all television shows could be about helping people in need, we'd all be better off for sharing in people's joy instead of laughing at their misery.

hunted by a freak

even moving from one room to another in the same house, i find i am confronted by the fact that i'm eventually going to have to throw a lot of stuff away. i just don't have room.

there's a lot of stuff i hold onto for sentimental value, but in reality i know i've got no reason to keep, and that i've (mostly) outgrown.

like my hockey card collection. i don't know why i still have it, but part of me is so hesitant to throw it out. it seems like such a waste.

or my box full of EGM's. like, literally 50 odd editions. i don't know why, but i keep convincing myself to keep them in the corner for camp value. who knows? maybe they'll be a conversation piece one day?

or old books. you know you're a packrat when your copy of hobbes' leviathan is next to a bunch of garfield and family circus collections. hell, i don't even like family circus.

lets have a moment of silence for my marvel cards, coin collection and baseball signed by the 1994 blue jays.

we grow up so fast.

alive in this moment

i keep telling myself i will be asleep come 4am tomorrow morning.

and yet here i am, awake yet again. this has to stop.

i've been realizing how much i really need to learn how to love.

i feel like i'm generally a pretty good guy, but when it comes to love, its like a foreign concept to me sometimes.

i'll do things because i'm responsible, or obligated, or because it's the right thing to do. i will be a good friend, i will do the right things. but when it gets down to the nitty gritty details, i just don't think i cut it when it comes to relationships with people. i don't show much love in actions, in words...i dunno. it just doesn't seem like something that comes naturally of me.

i can take care of people, but i'm not sure i have the slightest idea what it means to love them.

conversely, i think the hardest thing in the world at the moment is just ltaking care of myself, let alone learning to love myself.

it seems like i'm always kicking myself, or beating myself up for so much of my problems, and the struggles that i'm going through. as if i deserve nothing but the bad, and totally am not worthy of being blessed by God when it happens (and it happens often).

why? why can't i just be grateful, or appreciative, or humbled by love? why must i be so damn cynical? so judgmental?

and i want so bad to be able to give it all up. i wish at the end of every day that i had given more up to God. that i had trusted more, that i had just stopped trying to take things into my own control. to let go of everything i'm holding onto dearly -- to allow myself to be broken.

i want all the benefits without putting in the effort, or the time. and i hate myself for it.

i mean, the truth is, i'm not in a terrible situation. i'm unemployed, but i've had plenty of chances to work. i'm fed, i'm clothed, i have all the creature comforts and doo-dads a guy could ask for. in short, i'm living the life.

but -- and this isn't a recent realization -- this just isn't what i want.

the reason the past little while has been the hardest period i think i've been through since first andsecond year, is because i feel like i did in second year. i feel like i'm disonnected from God.

i can't worship, i can't pray, i can't bring myself to listen or follow or trust or love.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i keep saying the words "it's going to be ok".

and i know that sometimes, we have to go through trials, and He never gives us more than we can handle. but sometimes it feels like i've already reached that point. where'd i want to just concede how much easier and happier i'd be if i wasn't spending my time trying to please a God i can't seem to know, or see, or hear or reach. of trying to satsify these expectations and standards -- or setting this bar for myself that i will never reach.

i want to say it can't be done, and live my life ignoring it because if i could just do that, i'd have money, and friends, and a nice car, and i'd be so much happier.

but i can't. i just can't, because i know the truth. i know i won't feel complete. i know slowly a hole will grow in my heart that will gnaw away at my insides until i feel as if i am completely hollow inside -- devoid of humanity, purpose, meaning or life itself.

and i know where the only place i can turn to fill that hole is.

and despite my failures. despite my struggle, despite the fact that right now there really isn't a light at the end of the tunnel....i just have to keep on going. because i know that it's worth it. i know in that moment when things become clear, and God says "hey -- you did good". and in that moment, i will realize again that i.....am loved. that someone loves me so much more than i deserve, with a love that is so much greater than i can wrap my head around.

and not only that i am loved, but that i am deservedly loved.

and i know i'm not just going to be able to say it, but i'll be able to believe it again -- at some point.

and there will be no dark days, no long nights, no self-doubting moments that can ever overshadow that knowledge.

because despite it's intangible nature, that moment will be more real than the very computer i'm typing this on, or the desk that supports it. and all i can do until i get there, is try to be the best me i can be, even of in the meantime that seems like not a very great person.

but there's a reason. there's a plan.

and my only goal right now is to see that plan through to the end, no matter how hard it is.

don't save us from the flames

man, what happened to halloween?

my childhood memories were nothing but good times -- dressing up like a goof, hanging out with friends, lots of free candy -- just a whole night of sugar filled adventure.

it seems there just aren't as many kids out nowadays though, i'm not sure if its just my neighbourhood or what, but trick-or-treating doesn't seem nearly as popular as it used to be. maybe the kids are all inside, playing video games.

on the other hand, i did notice that most of the kids i saw out were being driven from house to house by their parents.

come on.

is that really necessary? are you so lazy that you don't want to walk to your neighbours with your child? you feel the need to idle your car for an hour while you drive a grand total of two clicks? lazy bastards. i vow never to drive my child trick-or-treating unless i live in the boonies or something, and even then i might still just walk with them.

what's with our society's obsession with safety? with sheltering children from reality? safe parks, safe toys, safe foods, safe sports, safe everything.

how are they suppose to learn anything about the world if we just protect them all the time? aren't we just ill-preparing them for a world that (to put it mildly) isn't all that safe and cozy?

let them scrape some knees. let them go exploring their neighbourhood on their own. let them use some imagination to create their own worlds, instead of providing everything for them because we thinks its in their best interest. let kids be kids man.

halloween used to be exciting because it was like a treasure hunt. what candy did i get? who was dressed as what? can we scare people? can we find the house that gives the best loot? which street has the most generous people? who should we egg?

i hate talking about "back when i was a kid", but gosh darn it! it just had to be said.

i'm so glad i wasn't born any later, or i'd have been stuck with crappy plastic parks and healthy granola bar treats for halloween.

ew.

remember to breathe

darn. a gorgeous weekend only to be followed up by more of this dreary greyness. whhhhhyyyy? autumn is being ruined!

i blame el nino.

in other breaking news, it's easier to catch up with classes when you're only taking one i find. much love to whoever invented online courses.

this week is going to consist of watching basketball and hopefully going to karaoke one of these nights.

don't let me down irene!

little round mirrors

everything is just so darn simple when you're a kid.

i remember how an autumn morning used to be a brisk walk to school, stepping on dry leaves and twigs to hear them crunch underfoot. or finding piles of neatly raked leaves to destroy with one swift kick.

how lunchtime used to mean forty minutes of alligator, or cops and robbers, handball, redass, doctor, soccer baseball, football, basketball or finding out who was kissing by the portables (or possibly even being that person).

how afternoons weren't spent wasted watching people renovate their houses on television when in reality i could just walk downstairs and see the real thing -- but instead were full of hours playing tag at the park (including its various permutations, such as lava tag, freeze tag, et al) or walking home with friends and observing girls begin to learn the concept of "gossip".

how trick-or-treat actually meant it was the chance to get a crapload of free candy -- not worry about whether or not you bought some to give away.

and i love how you get lots of "first" moments.

first report card.
first sports team.
first science project left undone.
first kiss.

i'm starting to realize life is all about living for firsts. and when you start feeling like it's all been done, is when you should start to take a long hard look at what you're doing. maybe not knowing where things are going, but at the very least that they're going.

i must say it's kind of exciting.

kind of like the first time you ever hit someone in the face with a snowball.

untitled-1

i honestly have to say that, despite being able to sympathize with many of the "CBC" culture clash cliches, i don't feel i can totally empathize with them.

i'm not sure, but whatever the reason, i always kind of just chuckle and say "oh yea, i know what you mean" when someone makes a funny about tofu containers or something. i mean -- i get it -- but i can't relate.

one area where me and my parents really do differ however is the concept of work vs. efficiency.

case in point, is it better to wash dishes right after a meal, or maybe sit for a bit then wash them later? heck, maybe even let a few pile up then throw them all in the dishwasher and save yourself some time and effort?

naturally my parents think it's not just better, but necessary to do everything as soon as possible.

i bring this up because earlier today, my dad wanted me to go down and help him vacuum the basement, even though renovations are still going to continue at least another day or two.

i asked him why he doesn't just wait until they're finished, then clean it all at once. after all, after we clean it now, it's just going to get dirty again tomorrow. and my dad simply said something along the lines of "every speck of dust cleaned helps"

translate that as you will, i'm not even really sure what he said.

anyways, crawling around the basement with a dustbuster (he has dibs on the vacuum of course) i naturally felt like a chinese labour camp prisoner doing some ridiculous sort of work project -- like moving a pile of rocks, then moving them back or something.

but i mean, let the folks be the folks, quirks and all right? so i kept crawling along, dustbuster starting to choke under the rigours of sucking up sawdust (i don't think they're made for that).

in the end, we basically cleaned the basement out. and tomorrow, i am going to watch a bunch of crazy chinese guys in overalls come over and make a mess of it again.

does it make sense to me? not at all. but much like gum flavoured ice cream and pog, it's just another little idiosyncrasy that reminds me life doesn't always have to make sense to be amusing.

transatlanticism

i am going to be uncharacteristically personal.

a lot of times, when someone asks you "hey, how are you doing?", we have a pre-programed answer ready and waiting.

"oh, i'm fine. yourself?"
"aww, same old...same old, y'know? yourself?"
"i've had a bad day. [insert long anecdotes about a work]. how about you?"

but you know those stretches where when someone asks you how you're doing, you actually want to explode? yes, that's pretty much where i am right now. i am the picture of instability and anxiousness, and it is completely not where i am comfortable being.

I never ask a man what his business is, for it never interests me. What I ask him about are his thoughts and dreams.

H.P. Lovecraft, January 1929

i have a billion things to say. in fact i wrote down like, a 15 page blog post. but it really isn't all that coherent at this point.

to paraphrase my midnight manifesto, i basically want to look myself in the mirror and say "screw you".

then i realize that maybe i should be like, learning stuff and growing and crap. then i reconsider cussing myself out. then i'm all confused and thinking myself in circles towards the inevitable brain aneurysm (or more popular 'mug-in-the-head').

and so, in the end, knowing that i will never cease to wrestle with the wrestlyness of existence, i conclude that i am tired and will simply do some light reading and go to sleep.

i keep telling myself i'm going to wake up early and go to the gym someday.

i really hope today's that day.

*i have censored myself.

the new american apathy

it seems like i haven't seen the sun in forever. it's just been....grey...and wet....and cold, for the whole week, and i think it's finally getting to me.

my head feels like it's going to explode. guess that means its time to go for a run. nothing a little sweat can't fix i suppose.

so.....i should probably figure out how to do this whole resume thing huh? who wants to help? i am sooooo lost, haha