for agent 13

i'm lacking in coherent thought, but I feel like there's some sort of God post in me trying to get out. i just don't know what to say exactly, so a ranting i will go...

the hardest part for me is always trying to figure out the balance between what i am capable of and/or responsible for, and what i am suppose to depend on God for.

because frankly, I feel like sometimes i don't depend on God for anything. and inevitably, things will fall apart. which is not exactly rocket science -- i mean, perspective on a half-full glass does not validate a religion.

moreover, there are times i feel my religious principles and ideals are actually holding me back. over-complicating my decision making process, and guilt tripping myself more than i necessarily should be about things.

but the truth is, although i have these lapses of doubt....and really, when things don't go the way we like, doubt will always creep in, it's human nature. but when i do have these lapses, i can't deny that despite all the questions, i have found that my personal determination to change things is ultimately a futile course of action.

i have been successful in changing my life in many ways, but this has always only sated the deeper reasons for those changes insofar as i move on to newer, different, and (debateably) greater challenges.

and sure, maybe that's what life's about. challenges. climbing mountains, one after another.

someone told me once they considered any sort of alternative -- to be content in life -- settling. and although at the time, i disagreed, when i think about it, she was probably right.

being content with life really is settling. which is exactly why God implores us not to worry too much about life. we could chase happiness for 100 years, hoping only to be content with our lives when we die, and it would probably still be settling to some extent.

ambition should be prioritized, and for me, that just means trying my hardest to not settle spiritually. all the other stuff...literally, stuff.....it's really starting to just all be the same -- pointless.

frankly, sometimes i see myself as some kind of masochist. so why do i do it? what's keeping me here? why do i stick around and insist on all this faith-in-God bullshit to carry me through?

is it a crutch?

i can't answer that. all i know is the most perfect periods i've ever understood, the most fulfilled i've ever been, the most joyful experiences of my life, have all come when i am most in touch with God.

not necessarily when i'm just struggling, but really, just when i'm being critical of all the other stuff in my life and seeking answers to cliches.

the answers are usually there. you just have to know where to look.

and for me....well...even though i want to believe otherwise, i know where my answers lay. getting to the point where i can recieve them and understand them regularly? well....that's just a whole 'nother story....