Best of Craigslist: July-Sept 2009

condoms and door knobs.

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.

Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship

Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent.

You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages.

I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best).

The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need.

Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures.

Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well.

I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends.

Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon!

Morally Bankrupt - m4w

I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me.

I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j).

My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them.

P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you.

Brain Surgery Intern

Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries!

If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line.

Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores.

Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car.

Wanted: Pony

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

The times they are a changin'

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The Star irks me again

Chinatown grocer accused of assault 'a victim': Kenney

In an attempt to curry favour with local Chinese business owners, Kenney vowed to raise with MPs the community's plea to reform a section of the Criminal Code that prevents retailers from apprehending shoplifters outside their store's premises

Oh come on. "IN AN ATTEMPT TO CURRY FAVOUR"??

I know as a publication you're inclined to be critical of the Conservatives, but there are editorial liberties, then there are sentences-that-become-fodder-for-those-Conservatives-and-their-supporters-to-prove-your-publication-is-not-credible.

Also, I am curious if in this case, either lawyer is going to whip out a copy of The Dark Knight in order to argue the myriad angles of citizen vigilanteism?

Asian people love sales

Before leaving for vacation, my dad bought (and I'm not exaggerating here) nine boxes of Haagen-Dazs popsicles. Naturally, I'm not obligated to eat them all or anything.

But I'll be damned if I'm not trying. If one box is left when they get back I'd be surprised. Someone needs to stop me, I'm out of control.

I also have five boxes of Honey Bunches of Oats in the pantry. Damn these sales.

Elections shmelections

In recent weeks, U.S. President Barack Obama's fading aura of invulnerability has been as much a story as health care reform itself. People had begun to doubt his lauded communications skills, his affable charm and ability to galvanize public opinion.

What you can't ever deny though is this: the dude can give a speech.

Watching him work his on-camera magic, one portion of the night caught my attention in particular -- and it wasn't the part where he shouted out our Universal Health Care.

Check this, from towards the end of his speech last night:

...when facts and reason are thrown overboard and only timidity passes for wisdom, and we can no longer even engage in a civil conversation with each other over the things that truly matter -- at that point we don't merely lose our capacity to solve big challenges. We lose something essential about ourselves.

Obviously, this was directed at his partisan critics, but has anyone recently so aptly described the state of Canadian politics?

Here at home, we have been so mired in mediocrity that politics has completely lost relevance in daily life. Nobody cares about Ottawa anymore because Ottawa doesn't care about them. It is a self-enclosed universe, further alienating its members from casual society day-by-fucking-day.

Is it any wonder Canadians are deciding not to vote in record numbers? What are they voting for? Following our government is like watching those episodes of Morty Seinfeld running for president of the Boca Raton condominium board. All we need is a scandal over tip calculators.

The current levels of disenfranchisement among intelligent citizens in this country is not only a shame, but a cancer eating away at the potential for growth, innovation, creativity and leadership Canada has to offer the world.

From the looks of it, there will be another election this fall. I'm not pleased, but I'm not averse to this.

All I hope is that somebody, somewhere, runs on a vision of what Canada should be -- and why she or he is the person to make that vision come true. Isn't that what politics is about? Selling us on happiness?

I beg each of us to seek ways to affect change towards this direction. Get involved, volunteer, hell -- run for a seat. Anything to inject new blood and fresh ideas into this sham we call our government.

Canada's a great place, but right now it's like an office where management is all incompetent and nobody knows how they got their jobs. Lets take this bitch over.

I hate Failblog

HOWEVER,

I love: Totally Looks Like

I cannot believe I did not think of this blog idea first. Dammit all, it's so up my alley. I love shit that looks like other shit!

Diane Simmons from Family Guy Totally Looks Like Dana Scully from X-Files

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

American Teen Totally Looks Like The Breakfast Club


see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Posh Spice totally looks like Falcor from The Neverending Story


see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Harriet Tubman Totally Looks Like E.T.


see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Old Tree Totally Looks Like Clint Eastwood

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Wouldn't a putter be more effective?

I recently watched Funny Games, a thriller/horror film directed by artsy fartsy Michael Haneke. It was sufficiently graphic, bordering on tortureporn territory, but the one thing I took away from it was: you should always have a plan.
Meaning, if someone broke into my house, what would my immediate course of action be? Where would I run? Where are my weapons for self-defence?

The characters in the movie were at their cottage, so obviously that's a bit of a disadvantage right away. But for the better part of an hour, they were essentially held hostage by a guy wielding a golf driver.

I mean, come on. I'd like to think with the variety of household items at my disposal (ironically this does not include any golf clubs), I would most certainly be able to fight off an attacker armed with only sports equipment. I do have baseball bats. I'm pretty sure bats beats golfclubs in a fight.

I'd also have a mental triage of sorts in place, knowing at what point it's better to run away for help at the risk of the remaining hostages, or stay and fight thus risking all of us PLUS not capturing the criminals.

The Boyscouts had it right: be prepared.

Good thing there are so many large windows to climb out of in my basement...

Hello reality

So for better or for worse I've basically decided to completely stop looking for a journalism job. Simply put, unless I can get hooked up, it just doesn't seem like anyone wants to take a flyer on a candidate who spent most of his time doing PR.

That said, I'm just going to look for a job that will pay me well, and I'm going to do as much freelancing on the side as humanly possible until maybe one day I end up somewhere I'd rather be working. It just isn't feasible to survive as solely a freelancer right now... you need money to build your portfolio and live a life at the same time.

These are very mutually exclusive options.

Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy crushing people on the corporate ladder.

Everyone always figures me for a cynic, but I guess deep down I'm actually a hopeless romantic.

Am I like an inside out clown? Is that what's going on here?

Dear friends, bored at work.

Me and some gallant colleagues have decided to pool our writing resources.

www.theashcan.com

Anything remotely intelligent will be posted there, but I will be maintaining this faithful site as well, for more personal posts such as how lonely I am at night and what drinks I mix before bedtime.

The future is internet promiscuity. If you can't beat'em, join'em.

I live by the ocean

Home.

Easing my way back into things as I have a tickle in my throat, but it was worth it. Iceland was amazing, more details to come soon. For today, I offer only the best faux road rage video on YouTube.

Auto reply:

Simon is out of the internet for the next two weeks, celebrating good friends in Calgary and searching for his soulmate in Iceland. He will return on August 16th. All work-boredom related incidents will be attended to upon his return, or if urgent, please visit www.fmylife.com for your daily fix of asinine humour.

On a completely unrelated note, I used a loofa for the first time yesterday. It wasn't actually a puffy one though, it was more like a soft, mini burlap sack. At first it just felt like I was scratching myself, but I must say afterwards my skin felt much softer and healthier. Perhaps there is something to this exfoliation business I keep hearing about...

On that note, I bid you Bjork.

Mmm... Hsu Fu Chi

Chuck Klosterman could only exist in America.

Only in such an idiosyncratic culture could a writer make a living dissecting and analyzing the vapid and morbid obsession we have in North America with celebrity pop-culture. Millions of people every day enjoy reading, watching and sharing opinions about why we act the way we act, listen to the music we do, celebrate the famous people we do.

Intellectuals are no exception. To send scholars at the minutiae of our indulgence is in itself an indulgence only we could afford.

Lately however, I am finding myself increasingly curious if a person such as Chuck Klosterman exists in China.

I cannot read Chinese, so my attempts to search for a Chucky Kwan type pop-culture swazi have been hindered. But in my mind, if Klosterman and Thompson can make turning a mirror on ourselves engrossing, can you imagine what an unfettered and gifted Chinese writer could do with her topic matter?

Let's be honest here -- China is Fucked. Up.

Partially because of the disparate geography, but throw in the political status, cultural repression and constant self-conciousness, and you have a potent and fascinating mixture. Instead of questioning what is produced by Chinese pop-culture, how about wondering why there is essentially no such thing as pop-culture on mainland China? And what little of it does exist is such a sad showing.

Japan, South Korea, India; all the major Asian nations have developed a pop-culture identity to call their own. Even Hong Kong. But for some reason, not mainland China. They have always just mooched off of Hong Kong, but that's like all of Canada being defined by Roch Voisine -- it just would never happen. (I realize the irony of a Canadian accusing another country of lacking cultural identity, but Beijing and Shanghai combined already have more people than we do. So bear with me).

Why is this? I find the question tantalizing. Naturally however I do not consider myself in touch with the Chinese youth. I only know what I can perceive from my house. If you are educated on the topic, please enlighten me.

Otherwise, I am off on a search, starting tonight. Updates to come on what I find.

*********************

As an aside, I found this article kind of neat.

The top selling candies in the world.

I'm not a huge M&M's fan, but apparently I am in the hugenourmous minority.

(500) Days of Summer: Fairytales for Macs

It was ironic that during the trailers for (500) Days of Summer, the latest Jennifer Aniston movie was foisted upon us.

As Hollywood romantic comedies go, this must have sounded wonderful on paper: let's get Jennifer Aniston, put her in Seattle, make her a small business owner who meets a rich guy and teaches him the importance of the immaterial (love!), then name it 'Love Happens', which I can only assume is a cross between 'Love Actually' and 'Shit Happens'.

For Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zoey Deschanel however, in (500) Days of Summer; life happens. Unlike Aniston's future pablum, '(500) Days' explores the ambiguity and often, irrationality of emotions and relationships, particularly in hindsight. A refreshingly grey take on the rom-com, the film so overtly channels 'The Graduate' that Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross actually play a pivotal role in the plot.

Deschanel plays the titular Summer, with whom Gordon-Levitt (as Tom) meets, greets, loves and learns in the span of 500 days. Most people in life experience love more than once, but it's rare to see a movie about those multitude of relationships that start with a bang, only to end with a fizzle. '(500) Days' takes the audience asymmetrically through just one of those relationships, with both Deschanel and Gordon-Levitt playing their pseudo-hipster roles to a tee. Ever the idiosyncratic leading man, Gordon-Levitt in particular puts forth an emotional roller coaster performance, providing a decidedly subjective backbone to much of the film.

Marking the directorial debut of music video veteran Marc Webb, '(500) Days' is a slick, stylish film that captures the city of Los Angeles with an intimacy few have ever achieved. Although Webb leans heavily on some of his past experience (watch the video for Maroon 5's 'Goodnight Goodnight' after this movie), the romance unravels on screen -- literally and figuratively -- with aplomb. The architectural cinematography, unique shots and seasonal colour palates wielded by Webb et al help layout a sprawling, time bending story with such simplicity that even Christopher Nolan would be proud.

It would be a shame also not to mention the splendid soundtrack, again harkening back to Webb's background. Tunes from The Smiths and Regina Spektor perfectly serenade romance's foibles at every turn, diegetically entrenching themselves in the story as much as music does in our own real life relationships.

For those who are romantics however, let it be known that there is little real gloom and doom here. Despite sounding like a downer, witty banter and laughs are easy to come by during the film's brief 95 minutes. Moreover, although we are warned this is not a love story, it is undoubtedly one full of love -- particularly the ending, which essentially asks why we should bother at all?

Regardless of how you interpret the finale, much like 'The Graduate', '(500) Days of Summer' will ensure you enjoy making that decision.

Flashback Friday: High School Yearbook

Why did people write in silver and gold pen? It's impossible to read. That said, here are the most hilarious yearbook messages I got during my four years in the public education system. My 1998 book is full. I think my OAC book has like, 6 messages. You can tell at what point we all stopped caring. On the unintentional comedy scale, some of these are simply off the charts. Bonus marks for matching names with comments.

************************

Hey Simon, I'm signing in the front ok? I really can't think of anything to write cause I just but my lip. It's been great having you back at the same school as me. You're the same as you use [sic] to be, and that's a good thing. Well, that's all from me. - 1998

Hey Simon, This pen sucks huh? ... anyways, it's been nice knowing ya. See ya next year. - 1998

What up chink! You fuckin' FOB! Have a good summer chink .. l8r ... p.s. I'm gonna nuke your ass like Hiroshima! - 1998

What up Simon? Why is [name of guy who wrote the previous comment] so gay? I think he likes you. Hope things work out between you two! ha ha! Anyways, have a great summer. - 1998

Hey Simon, well, I didn't really get to know you very well, but I do know you skip art often. do [sic] deny it ... we all know the truth. Have a blast this summer, see you around. -1998

Hello Simon ... what a great year eh? It would have been even better had you worked harder, cause then you'd have the marks to show for it. Well, you have next year. Okay, you've class ............ SIMON! you wrote such a bad message in my yearbook! You want a sticker? well you CAN'T HAVE A STICKER. I don't have any, but even if I did you WOULDN'T GET ANY! BAD MESSAGE! - 1999

Yo Simon, Lessons of the year: don't do drugs, alcohol, white girls. See you next year - 1999

Simon!! You SO cool man ... ha ... no really, you are the sweetest, nicest, most considerate, DEFINITELY the most funny, bestest friend guy I know!! tee hee ... you're so great to whine to ... and I've done my bit of whining ... awww... Eric didn't give me a Pokemon sticker .... sad /whine. Thanks for Chia! I know Steph is incredibly jealous!! Thanks for being the groovin dude that you are! Luv ya! - 1999

Simimon, attack all you EVIL digimon! BBALL rules! We'll win next year. - 2000

BUY ME ICE CREAM - 2001

Ohbijou - Beacons (for realsies this time)

You know that movie, where this girl, who is in a struggling band and works temp jobs on the side, and this guy, who works as a writer for fortune cookie fortunes, meet, then have an emotional roller coaster through the four Canadian seasons in the heart of Toronto's downtown artistic community, going to indie concerts, hanging out at Trinity Bellwoods park, staring at stars, jamming together, building snowmen and falling in love slowly despite an unsure future because the girls band might make it big, but they struggle through their own selfish issues in order to learn how to love, even if it means learning to lose that love while moving on in a bittersweet life lesson, but not regret it because the year they did spend together was so good they have no regrets since it made them both better people?

No? Ok, well, it's because I made all that up. But if it DID exist, Ohbijou's latest album would be a perfect soundtrack for it.

'Beacons', the follow up to the orchestral pop ensemble's 2006 lp 'Swift Feet for Troubling Times' is, if anything, a consistent sophomore effort.

A familiar mix of cello and piano accompany lead singer Casey Mecija's fragile songs and even frailer lilting vocals. Ohbijou have always been known to craft a delicate sound, despite the bands propensity for using upwards of 8-10 instruments on a single track, and 'Beacons' is no exception.

Opener 'Intro to Season' doesn't take listeners far from the band's signature sound, but the pacing and energy of the song reveal a band more mature in its song craft and more realized in letting their musical talents shine through, a somehow subtle yet stark difference from the pure emotion that drove many of the tracks on 'Swift Feet'.

Still though, through and through, the main draw here is Mecija, who's voice makes you feel like she's whispering each song directly into your ear like a sweet nothing on a quiet Ontario night. The intimacy and sheer prettiness of her voice make it impossible to not get caught up in the swell of strings, horns and dreamy plucking banjo.

To be honest, I always thought Ohbijou sounded much better in studio than they do live, and this is mostly because despite being incredibly talented musicians, their product is inherently background music of the greatest kind. Taken on its own, the music may not immediately seem captivating. But listening to 'Beacons' will make you incredibly cognizant of the fact you are alive in the present. Backing a period in time, an event, emotions and thoughts -- it's music that makes a normal moment extraordinary, even if you're alone. It makes you feel like ... "hey, this moment in my life could absolutely be a scene in some hipster romance movie."

Basically, if you think you'd enjoy that fake movie I mentioned, you'll probably enjoy Ohbijou.

Also, they played a free gig at North York Central Library once. Yes, you read that correctly. How can you not think they're sweeties knowing that fact?

Curmudgeons need not apply.

Ohbijou - Beacons, 2009

Independent

Sounds like: Carissa's Wierd is for depressed people as Ohbijou is for hopeless romantics.

"Wildfires" live at the North York Public library, North York Civic Centre, 2007

Ohbijou - Beacons

When picking with whom to face the zombie apocalypse, bear in mind the following helpful tips:

Three's for undead certainty, four makes zombies turn and flee!

Nobody wants to fend off a ravaging pack of brain eating zombies alone. Two is great, but when back to back, you are assuming your peripheral vision is 100 per cent able to detect the sneaky buggers who attack when you might be distracted. Why take that risk? Three, of course, is great, because you can stand in a triangle and cover most of the visual area. But four is the party size you want.

Not only do four people conveniently fit into most vehicles, but having four individuals facing outwards guarantees complete visual reconnoissance with four sets of weapons to defend yourself. Moreover, should you have any injured party members, you can in a pinch surround him/her/it and have three outward facing pals for protection.

Surely, you might wonder then, why five or even more are not ideal. One reason, as noted before, is that five people don't always fit into cars as conveniently. Many pickup trucks and 2+2 sedans will fit 4 folks comfortably, but not 5. Moreover, having 5 results in a star formation when facing outwards, sometimes causing overlap in weapons and attention targeting during those crazy zombie skirmishes. Remember, efficiency is key in helping you survive the zombie apocalypse! Finally, 4 is the Chinese word for death -- what better way to show those undead buggers that the collapse of humanity hasn't dampened your ironic sense of humour!

Be special!

There's nothing wrong with being pretty darn good at everything. Obviously, you want to surround yourself with talented, intelligent and most importantly, likable individuals for your time fending off the undead -- after all, nobody wants to fight for their lives while listening to Boring Bob awkwardly retell that story about how he didn't get to tell his wife he loved her. How boring!

On top of being multi-faceted in your competency and physical health however, it is always encouraged that one assemble a party for fighting zombies inclusive of people with skills specifically relevant to the task at hand. Ever used a firearm before? Might want to bring along that chum who you know has a closet full of gun magazines -- that knowledge and marksmanship might just come in handy! Even better are trained individuals, such as police, security or military backgrounds, since they know the basics about myriad weaponry, but can also provide helpful tips for basic self defense against the undead. Nothing shows a zombie you mean business like a well timed judo throw!

Some other specialists who you might find handy include folks who practice: wilderness survivalists, car theft, carpentry, first aid, origami, electrical gadgetry, computer hacking, breaking and entering, hotness, piloting, boating, manipulating strangers, and pastry baking.

Remember to constantly inventory your social network to ensure you have access to at least one person with each of the above listed skills, and ideally more (zombies can sometimes be wildly unhelpful with who they decide to eat that day). If you currently do not have at least one friend who has one of the above mentioned skills, or perhaps you simply have no friends, don't worry! Simply build relationships based on lies and false platitudes in order to make that acquaintance. Nobody will care if Smelly Sarah smells bad as long as she can hot-wire that station wagon in under 15 seconds flat!

The one caveat of course, is if you yourself possess none of these skills. Heaven forbid that you are not even physically and mentally competent in all facets of basic zombie survival! Ha ha ha!

If that is the case however, there are several ways you can still make the final days of civilization much more pleasant for yourself. Simply boss people around! Everyone loves a manager, after all, and if you provide large quantities of ideas, eventually some of them are bound to be useful! If you can earn the role of delegation, your practical short-fallings will be greatly minimized by how involved and encouraging you are to all the other members of your party. Be a great team leader ("great headshot Jared!"), and nobody will be mad if your plan fails. Heck, even if it was a bad plan, who cares! At least you did your best and you're not going to die alone. Mission successful!

Have a plan B! (the B is for "backup")

Say you have picked your three zombie apocalypse chums and after a day or two of bickering about who gets to carry the chainsaw, you decide perhaps you've made a mistake. This is not a problem, and is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's much more common than you think. Thankfully, there are plenty of fish on the sea!

If it is one particular individual bothering you, simply organize a ruse which leads to them sacrificing themselves to save the rest of the party! He or She gets to die a hero, and you are rid of that incessant nagging about forgetting to lock the doors in the nuclear shelter. Win-win!

If it is the unfortunate circumstance where you are unhappy with all of your party, it is most efficient to wait for a chance meeting with another group of zombies survivors, at which point negotiations may begin on creating new parties out of the gathered individuals. A situation such as this would be where the skills of hotness and stranger manipulation would come in most handy.

Finally, when planning your party, the most important aspect of your backup plan should be that at least ONE of your three friends is significantly slower than you. This serves dual purposes. Sometimes, if your slow friend is being chased after a zombie fight that doesn't go your way (happens to the best of us, but you'll get them next time!) you can perhaps save them by reaching your hand out of a moving vehicle, or providing cover fire near an exit or entrance. This makes you look great, not only in terms of projecting skills onto you you may not have, but by giving you loyalty points. If you save others, they'll probably at least try to save you! Everybody is happy!

If you cannot save your slow friend however, it is important that you are faster than them. Because otherwise, you would be eaten by zombies, instead of your slow friend. I'm not calling zombies lazy -- don't get me wrong -- but everybody would agree that it's always nice to eat sooner rather than later when you're hungry, right? Right. Yeaaaa, I'm right! Ha ha ha!

Hopefully this has been a helpful guide in preparing you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Remember, just because they're undead doesn't mean you can't enjoy killing them! Your final days on planet Earth will go by much more happily as long as you think of it as you getting to shoot them, instead of trying to not have them eat you. Be positive!

Pick your party wisely, and happy hunting!

Pick your zombie party

More people should listen to CBC radio for its magazine shows. Much like the public library, CBC radio is a wealth of knowledge often under appreciated. Not only do you learn about the world, but CBC reporters regularly win awards around the globe for their radio docuwork. Despite the ever-shrinking budget of the ceebs, it's a Canadian institution I fully believe in, heartily support and will love until my final days.

With that said, the current feature on 'Ideas' with Paul Kennedy is a three-part broadcast titled "Climate Wars".

Here is the synopsis:

About 2 years ago I noticed that the military in various countries, and especially in the Pentagon, were beginning to take climate change seriously. Now, it's the business of the military to find new security threats. It's also in their own self-interest, since they need a constant supply of threats in order to justify their demands on the taxpayers' money, so you should always take the new threats that the soldiers discover with a grain of salt. You know, never ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

But I did start to look into this idea that global warming could lead to wars. It turned into a year-long trek talking to scientists, soldiers and politicians in a dozen different countries. I have come back from that trip seriously worried...

- Gwynne Dyer

This might sound like an audiobook version of an inconvenient truth, but so far it has been much more focused on presenting the latest research and exploring little discussed consequences than it is about brow beating.

Not just "the world is ending" but having respected minds discuss how that might happen politically, culturally and environmentally helps really lay things out with a different perspective. Moreover, it explores both sides, weighing the consequences of ecoengineering, ecoterrorism and how both those evolutions are impacting the world on a political level for both good and in many cases, not so good.

Probably one of the most informative pieces of journalism about our current climate (literally and otherwise) that I've ever enjoyed.

I highly recommend you check it out.

Slumber party!

I'm not ashamed to admit I borrowed the entire Felicity boxset from a female friend and watched them all. Granted, I watched them all with my girlfriend at the time, but I'm not going to deny enjoying every minute of it. Those who know me also are aware of my undying loyalty to Party of Five, My So Called Life and perhaps to a lesser extent, 90210 and Melrose Place.

My question, moreso in regards to the first few examples, is what has happened to the serialized drama on television these days? There are no more hour-long shows devoted to growing up, friendship, life, love and, in the case of Felicity, wiccan dimensional travel to alternate realities.

Every show on television these days has to have a gimmick. Even the best dramas currently airing (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter) are inherently based on a circumstance. The characters are well developed, but the narrative is by far the backbone of all those shows. Mad Men may be an exception I suppose, but that isn't really a drama as it is watching a high society train wreck with sordid candor.

The only heir to the serialized-young-adult drama is Friday Night Lights, which, surprise surprise, I also adore. But despite surviving into season 4, it still suffers dismal ratings. It's the same mysterious fate that befell MSCL, and I've never figured out why Felicity and Po5 became cultural behemoths instead. My theory would naturally be that shows that are too real aren't escapist enough. MSCL was borderline depressing at times, but to be fair, as much as Felicity entertained in that now familiar JJ Abrams fashion, Po5 at times hit pretty hard too. I mean, it starts with a family losing their parents in a car crash.

I find these "chick shows" (full emphasis on air quotes there) to be some of the better written products on television solely because they are character driven, and can't resort to gimmicky plots without being called out on it. Unlike a show like Lost or BSG where things can be made up on the fly, the believability and reliability of characters is the most important facet in the writing. This, as a result, almost always leads to good television.

I didn't want this to be yet another 'watch FNL' post (which you should). Rather, I'm curious why this formula isn't attempted more often. Certainly the difficulty in pulling it off and maintaining an interesting set of characters and plot developments is time consuming compared to an arc about serial killers that certainly must come to a predictable end. Writing life empathetically is one of the toughest things to do.

Throw me in with the emotastic tween demographic if you will -- well crafted teenage girl drama is bar none always the most engrossing form of television. Respect.

Christian magnetic poetry

That's what I'm staring at right now. A mish-mash of apparently Christian words, such as "gentle", "sister", "radiant", "rejoice" and "God". Naturally, these words could pretty easily be construed in a non-religious way should one be inclined, without much effort or thought. Everything is in the eye of the beholder.

I don't talk about religion much, but I would like to think that should said conversation ever arise, I would have many insightful points to make. Life isn't only about making choices, but making informed ones. I feel I've always made steps to understand all my options concerning and views of the world before settling on ones to call my own.

The reason I mention this is because I have an acquaintance who, after being a longtime evangelical Christian (even considered seminary), has decided to leave the Church, and is now an outspoken Atheist. I find it kind of annoying.

Don't get me wrong, my problem is not with Atheism. Label's are rather futile I've always felt, so in reality I may be as much an Atheist as I am Christian. Rather, I'm taken aback by this person's borderline antagonistic attitude about religion now. It's a complete 180 turn.

If people are allowed to dislike Bible thumping evangelicals, I feel it prudent to apply the same standards of civility to smart-ass Atheists who like to go out of their way to insult religion. Posting Facebook links about Atheist arguments and Atheist novelty tshirts are just as annoying as posting your daily bible verse.

Normal people exist in between. I believe being on either of these extreme's is equally misled. Yet in general, I would say that Atheists share not even a sliver of the negative connotation that Christians do.

Is this fair? Aren't those who antagonize and actively try to persuade people not to believe in God just as overbearing as those who attend Jesus camps?

I'm not saying everyone should stay silent. I believe in a right to free speech, regardless of how moronic one might be. I'm merely suggesting that the next time you hear an Atheist go out of his/her way to insult religion, you ask that person why they felt compelled to be so negative without provocation.

The ignorant folks are usually the loudest, it's sad to say. Regardless of what you're arguing about.