Do you feel old?

Because I do. Technically, I should still be somewhere in the vicinity of my physical prime right now, but I'm finding that I can't run as fast, stop as fast, jump as high, last as long or generally stop myself from feeling wonky like I used to.

What used to come easy now seems like an arduous effort.

Or maybe I'm just mad my jumper is rusty, having not really been on the court in a few weeks.

Still. Damn you, time.

Well fuck

No, that's the whole post.

Awesome

Best of Craigslist: July-Sept 2009

condoms and door knobs.

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.

Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship

Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent.

You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages.

I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best).

The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need.

Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures.

Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well.

I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends.

Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon!

Morally Bankrupt - m4w

I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me.

I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j).

My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them.

P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you.

Brain Surgery Intern

Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries!

If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line.

Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores.

Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car.

Wanted: Pony

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

The times they are a changin'

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The Star irks me again

Chinatown grocer accused of assault 'a victim': Kenney

In an attempt to curry favour with local Chinese business owners, Kenney vowed to raise with MPs the community's plea to reform a section of the Criminal Code that prevents retailers from apprehending shoplifters outside their store's premises

Oh come on. "IN AN ATTEMPT TO CURRY FAVOUR"??

I know as a publication you're inclined to be critical of the Conservatives, but there are editorial liberties, then there are sentences-that-become-fodder-for-those-Conservatives-and-their-supporters-to-prove-your-publication-is-not-credible.

Also, I am curious if in this case, either lawyer is going to whip out a copy of The Dark Knight in order to argue the myriad angles of citizen vigilanteism?

Asian people love sales

Before leaving for vacation, my dad bought (and I'm not exaggerating here) nine boxes of Haagen-Dazs popsicles. Naturally, I'm not obligated to eat them all or anything.

But I'll be damned if I'm not trying. If one box is left when they get back I'd be surprised. Someone needs to stop me, I'm out of control.

I also have five boxes of Honey Bunches of Oats in the pantry. Damn these sales.

Elections shmelections

In recent weeks, U.S. President Barack Obama's fading aura of invulnerability has been as much a story as health care reform itself. People had begun to doubt his lauded communications skills, his affable charm and ability to galvanize public opinion.

What you can't ever deny though is this: the dude can give a speech.

Watching him work his on-camera magic, one portion of the night caught my attention in particular -- and it wasn't the part where he shouted out our Universal Health Care.

Check this, from towards the end of his speech last night:

...when facts and reason are thrown overboard and only timidity passes for wisdom, and we can no longer even engage in a civil conversation with each other over the things that truly matter -- at that point we don't merely lose our capacity to solve big challenges. We lose something essential about ourselves.

Obviously, this was directed at his partisan critics, but has anyone recently so aptly described the state of Canadian politics?

Here at home, we have been so mired in mediocrity that politics has completely lost relevance in daily life. Nobody cares about Ottawa anymore because Ottawa doesn't care about them. It is a self-enclosed universe, further alienating its members from casual society day-by-fucking-day.

Is it any wonder Canadians are deciding not to vote in record numbers? What are they voting for? Following our government is like watching those episodes of Morty Seinfeld running for president of the Boca Raton condominium board. All we need is a scandal over tip calculators.

The current levels of disenfranchisement among intelligent citizens in this country is not only a shame, but a cancer eating away at the potential for growth, innovation, creativity and leadership Canada has to offer the world.

From the looks of it, there will be another election this fall. I'm not pleased, but I'm not averse to this.

All I hope is that somebody, somewhere, runs on a vision of what Canada should be -- and why she or he is the person to make that vision come true. Isn't that what politics is about? Selling us on happiness?

I beg each of us to seek ways to affect change towards this direction. Get involved, volunteer, hell -- run for a seat. Anything to inject new blood and fresh ideas into this sham we call our government.

Canada's a great place, but right now it's like an office where management is all incompetent and nobody knows how they got their jobs. Lets take this bitch over.

I hate Failblog

HOWEVER,

I love: Totally Looks Like

I cannot believe I did not think of this blog idea first. Dammit all, it's so up my alley. I love shit that looks like other shit!

Diane Simmons from Family Guy Totally Looks Like Dana Scully from X-Files

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

American Teen Totally Looks Like The Breakfast Club


see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Posh Spice totally looks like Falcor from The Neverending Story


see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Harriet Tubman Totally Looks Like E.T.


see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Old Tree Totally Looks Like Clint Eastwood

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

Wouldn't a putter be more effective?

I recently watched Funny Games, a thriller/horror film directed by artsy fartsy Michael Haneke. It was sufficiently graphic, bordering on tortureporn territory, but the one thing I took away from it was: you should always have a plan.
Meaning, if someone broke into my house, what would my immediate course of action be? Where would I run? Where are my weapons for self-defence?

The characters in the movie were at their cottage, so obviously that's a bit of a disadvantage right away. But for the better part of an hour, they were essentially held hostage by a guy wielding a golf driver.

I mean, come on. I'd like to think with the variety of household items at my disposal (ironically this does not include any golf clubs), I would most certainly be able to fight off an attacker armed with only sports equipment. I do have baseball bats. I'm pretty sure bats beats golfclubs in a fight.

I'd also have a mental triage of sorts in place, knowing at what point it's better to run away for help at the risk of the remaining hostages, or stay and fight thus risking all of us PLUS not capturing the criminals.

The Boyscouts had it right: be prepared.

Good thing there are so many large windows to climb out of in my basement...

Hello reality

So for better or for worse I've basically decided to completely stop looking for a journalism job. Simply put, unless I can get hooked up, it just doesn't seem like anyone wants to take a flyer on a candidate who spent most of his time doing PR.

That said, I'm just going to look for a job that will pay me well, and I'm going to do as much freelancing on the side as humanly possible until maybe one day I end up somewhere I'd rather be working. It just isn't feasible to survive as solely a freelancer right now... you need money to build your portfolio and live a life at the same time.

These are very mutually exclusive options.

Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy crushing people on the corporate ladder.

Everyone always figures me for a cynic, but I guess deep down I'm actually a hopeless romantic.

Am I like an inside out clown? Is that what's going on here?

Dear friends, bored at work.

Me and some gallant colleagues have decided to pool our writing resources.

www.theashcan.com

Anything remotely intelligent will be posted there, but I will be maintaining this faithful site as well, for more personal posts such as how lonely I am at night and what drinks I mix before bedtime.

The future is internet promiscuity. If you can't beat'em, join'em.

I live by the ocean

Home.

Easing my way back into things as I have a tickle in my throat, but it was worth it. Iceland was amazing, more details to come soon. For today, I offer only the best faux road rage video on YouTube.

Auto reply:

Simon is out of the internet for the next two weeks, celebrating good friends in Calgary and searching for his soulmate in Iceland. He will return on August 16th. All work-boredom related incidents will be attended to upon his return, or if urgent, please visit www.fmylife.com for your daily fix of asinine humour.

On a completely unrelated note, I used a loofa for the first time yesterday. It wasn't actually a puffy one though, it was more like a soft, mini burlap sack. At first it just felt like I was scratching myself, but I must say afterwards my skin felt much softer and healthier. Perhaps there is something to this exfoliation business I keep hearing about...

On that note, I bid you Bjork.

Mmm... Hsu Fu Chi

Chuck Klosterman could only exist in America.

Only in such an idiosyncratic culture could a writer make a living dissecting and analyzing the vapid and morbid obsession we have in North America with celebrity pop-culture. Millions of people every day enjoy reading, watching and sharing opinions about why we act the way we act, listen to the music we do, celebrate the famous people we do.

Intellectuals are no exception. To send scholars at the minutiae of our indulgence is in itself an indulgence only we could afford.

Lately however, I am finding myself increasingly curious if a person such as Chuck Klosterman exists in China.

I cannot read Chinese, so my attempts to search for a Chucky Kwan type pop-culture swazi have been hindered. But in my mind, if Klosterman and Thompson can make turning a mirror on ourselves engrossing, can you imagine what an unfettered and gifted Chinese writer could do with her topic matter?

Let's be honest here -- China is Fucked. Up.

Partially because of the disparate geography, but throw in the political status, cultural repression and constant self-conciousness, and you have a potent and fascinating mixture. Instead of questioning what is produced by Chinese pop-culture, how about wondering why there is essentially no such thing as pop-culture on mainland China? And what little of it does exist is such a sad showing.

Japan, South Korea, India; all the major Asian nations have developed a pop-culture identity to call their own. Even Hong Kong. But for some reason, not mainland China. They have always just mooched off of Hong Kong, but that's like all of Canada being defined by Roch Voisine -- it just would never happen. (I realize the irony of a Canadian accusing another country of lacking cultural identity, but Beijing and Shanghai combined already have more people than we do. So bear with me).

Why is this? I find the question tantalizing. Naturally however I do not consider myself in touch with the Chinese youth. I only know what I can perceive from my house. If you are educated on the topic, please enlighten me.

Otherwise, I am off on a search, starting tonight. Updates to come on what I find.

*********************

As an aside, I found this article kind of neat.

The top selling candies in the world.

I'm not a huge M&M's fan, but apparently I am in the hugenourmous minority.

(500) Days of Summer: Fairytales for Macs

It was ironic that during the trailers for (500) Days of Summer, the latest Jennifer Aniston movie was foisted upon us.

As Hollywood romantic comedies go, this must have sounded wonderful on paper: let's get Jennifer Aniston, put her in Seattle, make her a small business owner who meets a rich guy and teaches him the importance of the immaterial (love!), then name it 'Love Happens', which I can only assume is a cross between 'Love Actually' and 'Shit Happens'.

For Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zoey Deschanel however, in (500) Days of Summer; life happens. Unlike Aniston's future pablum, '(500) Days' explores the ambiguity and often, irrationality of emotions and relationships, particularly in hindsight. A refreshingly grey take on the rom-com, the film so overtly channels 'The Graduate' that Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross actually play a pivotal role in the plot.

Deschanel plays the titular Summer, with whom Gordon-Levitt (as Tom) meets, greets, loves and learns in the span of 500 days. Most people in life experience love more than once, but it's rare to see a movie about those multitude of relationships that start with a bang, only to end with a fizzle. '(500) Days' takes the audience asymmetrically through just one of those relationships, with both Deschanel and Gordon-Levitt playing their pseudo-hipster roles to a tee. Ever the idiosyncratic leading man, Gordon-Levitt in particular puts forth an emotional roller coaster performance, providing a decidedly subjective backbone to much of the film.

Marking the directorial debut of music video veteran Marc Webb, '(500) Days' is a slick, stylish film that captures the city of Los Angeles with an intimacy few have ever achieved. Although Webb leans heavily on some of his past experience (watch the video for Maroon 5's 'Goodnight Goodnight' after this movie), the romance unravels on screen -- literally and figuratively -- with aplomb. The architectural cinematography, unique shots and seasonal colour palates wielded by Webb et al help layout a sprawling, time bending story with such simplicity that even Christopher Nolan would be proud.

It would be a shame also not to mention the splendid soundtrack, again harkening back to Webb's background. Tunes from The Smiths and Regina Spektor perfectly serenade romance's foibles at every turn, diegetically entrenching themselves in the story as much as music does in our own real life relationships.

For those who are romantics however, let it be known that there is little real gloom and doom here. Despite sounding like a downer, witty banter and laughs are easy to come by during the film's brief 95 minutes. Moreover, although we are warned this is not a love story, it is undoubtedly one full of love -- particularly the ending, which essentially asks why we should bother at all?

Regardless of how you interpret the finale, much like 'The Graduate', '(500) Days of Summer' will ensure you enjoy making that decision.

Flashback Friday: High School Yearbook

Why did people write in silver and gold pen? It's impossible to read. That said, here are the most hilarious yearbook messages I got during my four years in the public education system. My 1998 book is full. I think my OAC book has like, 6 messages. You can tell at what point we all stopped caring. On the unintentional comedy scale, some of these are simply off the charts. Bonus marks for matching names with comments.

************************

Hey Simon, I'm signing in the front ok? I really can't think of anything to write cause I just but my lip. It's been great having you back at the same school as me. You're the same as you use [sic] to be, and that's a good thing. Well, that's all from me. - 1998

Hey Simon, This pen sucks huh? ... anyways, it's been nice knowing ya. See ya next year. - 1998

What up chink! You fuckin' FOB! Have a good summer chink .. l8r ... p.s. I'm gonna nuke your ass like Hiroshima! - 1998

What up Simon? Why is [name of guy who wrote the previous comment] so gay? I think he likes you. Hope things work out between you two! ha ha! Anyways, have a great summer. - 1998

Hey Simon, well, I didn't really get to know you very well, but I do know you skip art often. do [sic] deny it ... we all know the truth. Have a blast this summer, see you around. -1998

Hello Simon ... what a great year eh? It would have been even better had you worked harder, cause then you'd have the marks to show for it. Well, you have next year. Okay, you've class ............ SIMON! you wrote such a bad message in my yearbook! You want a sticker? well you CAN'T HAVE A STICKER. I don't have any, but even if I did you WOULDN'T GET ANY! BAD MESSAGE! - 1999

Yo Simon, Lessons of the year: don't do drugs, alcohol, white girls. See you next year - 1999

Simon!! You SO cool man ... ha ... no really, you are the sweetest, nicest, most considerate, DEFINITELY the most funny, bestest friend guy I know!! tee hee ... you're so great to whine to ... and I've done my bit of whining ... awww... Eric didn't give me a Pokemon sticker .... sad /whine. Thanks for Chia! I know Steph is incredibly jealous!! Thanks for being the groovin dude that you are! Luv ya! - 1999

Simimon, attack all you EVIL digimon! BBALL rules! We'll win next year. - 2000

BUY ME ICE CREAM - 2001

Ohbijou - Beacons (for realsies this time)

You know that movie, where this girl, who is in a struggling band and works temp jobs on the side, and this guy, who works as a writer for fortune cookie fortunes, meet, then have an emotional roller coaster through the four Canadian seasons in the heart of Toronto's downtown artistic community, going to indie concerts, hanging out at Trinity Bellwoods park, staring at stars, jamming together, building snowmen and falling in love slowly despite an unsure future because the girls band might make it big, but they struggle through their own selfish issues in order to learn how to love, even if it means learning to lose that love while moving on in a bittersweet life lesson, but not regret it because the year they did spend together was so good they have no regrets since it made them both better people?

No? Ok, well, it's because I made all that up. But if it DID exist, Ohbijou's latest album would be a perfect soundtrack for it.

'Beacons', the follow up to the orchestral pop ensemble's 2006 lp 'Swift Feet for Troubling Times' is, if anything, a consistent sophomore effort.

A familiar mix of cello and piano accompany lead singer Casey Mecija's fragile songs and even frailer lilting vocals. Ohbijou have always been known to craft a delicate sound, despite the bands propensity for using upwards of 8-10 instruments on a single track, and 'Beacons' is no exception.

Opener 'Intro to Season' doesn't take listeners far from the band's signature sound, but the pacing and energy of the song reveal a band more mature in its song craft and more realized in letting their musical talents shine through, a somehow subtle yet stark difference from the pure emotion that drove many of the tracks on 'Swift Feet'.

Still though, through and through, the main draw here is Mecija, who's voice makes you feel like she's whispering each song directly into your ear like a sweet nothing on a quiet Ontario night. The intimacy and sheer prettiness of her voice make it impossible to not get caught up in the swell of strings, horns and dreamy plucking banjo.

To be honest, I always thought Ohbijou sounded much better in studio than they do live, and this is mostly because despite being incredibly talented musicians, their product is inherently background music of the greatest kind. Taken on its own, the music may not immediately seem captivating. But listening to 'Beacons' will make you incredibly cognizant of the fact you are alive in the present. Backing a period in time, an event, emotions and thoughts -- it's music that makes a normal moment extraordinary, even if you're alone. It makes you feel like ... "hey, this moment in my life could absolutely be a scene in some hipster romance movie."

Basically, if you think you'd enjoy that fake movie I mentioned, you'll probably enjoy Ohbijou.

Also, they played a free gig at North York Central Library once. Yes, you read that correctly. How can you not think they're sweeties knowing that fact?

Curmudgeons need not apply.

Ohbijou - Beacons, 2009

Independent

Sounds like: Carissa's Wierd is for depressed people as Ohbijou is for hopeless romantics.

"Wildfires" live at the North York Public library, North York Civic Centre, 2007

Ohbijou - Beacons

When picking with whom to face the zombie apocalypse, bear in mind the following helpful tips:

Three's for undead certainty, four makes zombies turn and flee!

Nobody wants to fend off a ravaging pack of brain eating zombies alone. Two is great, but when back to back, you are assuming your peripheral vision is 100 per cent able to detect the sneaky buggers who attack when you might be distracted. Why take that risk? Three, of course, is great, because you can stand in a triangle and cover most of the visual area. But four is the party size you want.

Not only do four people conveniently fit into most vehicles, but having four individuals facing outwards guarantees complete visual reconnoissance with four sets of weapons to defend yourself. Moreover, should you have any injured party members, you can in a pinch surround him/her/it and have three outward facing pals for protection.

Surely, you might wonder then, why five or even more are not ideal. One reason, as noted before, is that five people don't always fit into cars as conveniently. Many pickup trucks and 2+2 sedans will fit 4 folks comfortably, but not 5. Moreover, having 5 results in a star formation when facing outwards, sometimes causing overlap in weapons and attention targeting during those crazy zombie skirmishes. Remember, efficiency is key in helping you survive the zombie apocalypse! Finally, 4 is the Chinese word for death -- what better way to show those undead buggers that the collapse of humanity hasn't dampened your ironic sense of humour!

Be special!

There's nothing wrong with being pretty darn good at everything. Obviously, you want to surround yourself with talented, intelligent and most importantly, likable individuals for your time fending off the undead -- after all, nobody wants to fight for their lives while listening to Boring Bob awkwardly retell that story about how he didn't get to tell his wife he loved her. How boring!

On top of being multi-faceted in your competency and physical health however, it is always encouraged that one assemble a party for fighting zombies inclusive of people with skills specifically relevant to the task at hand. Ever used a firearm before? Might want to bring along that chum who you know has a closet full of gun magazines -- that knowledge and marksmanship might just come in handy! Even better are trained individuals, such as police, security or military backgrounds, since they know the basics about myriad weaponry, but can also provide helpful tips for basic self defense against the undead. Nothing shows a zombie you mean business like a well timed judo throw!

Some other specialists who you might find handy include folks who practice: wilderness survivalists, car theft, carpentry, first aid, origami, electrical gadgetry, computer hacking, breaking and entering, hotness, piloting, boating, manipulating strangers, and pastry baking.

Remember to constantly inventory your social network to ensure you have access to at least one person with each of the above listed skills, and ideally more (zombies can sometimes be wildly unhelpful with who they decide to eat that day). If you currently do not have at least one friend who has one of the above mentioned skills, or perhaps you simply have no friends, don't worry! Simply build relationships based on lies and false platitudes in order to make that acquaintance. Nobody will care if Smelly Sarah smells bad as long as she can hot-wire that station wagon in under 15 seconds flat!

The one caveat of course, is if you yourself possess none of these skills. Heaven forbid that you are not even physically and mentally competent in all facets of basic zombie survival! Ha ha ha!

If that is the case however, there are several ways you can still make the final days of civilization much more pleasant for yourself. Simply boss people around! Everyone loves a manager, after all, and if you provide large quantities of ideas, eventually some of them are bound to be useful! If you can earn the role of delegation, your practical short-fallings will be greatly minimized by how involved and encouraging you are to all the other members of your party. Be a great team leader ("great headshot Jared!"), and nobody will be mad if your plan fails. Heck, even if it was a bad plan, who cares! At least you did your best and you're not going to die alone. Mission successful!

Have a plan B! (the B is for "backup")

Say you have picked your three zombie apocalypse chums and after a day or two of bickering about who gets to carry the chainsaw, you decide perhaps you've made a mistake. This is not a problem, and is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's much more common than you think. Thankfully, there are plenty of fish on the sea!

If it is one particular individual bothering you, simply organize a ruse which leads to them sacrificing themselves to save the rest of the party! He or She gets to die a hero, and you are rid of that incessant nagging about forgetting to lock the doors in the nuclear shelter. Win-win!

If it is the unfortunate circumstance where you are unhappy with all of your party, it is most efficient to wait for a chance meeting with another group of zombies survivors, at which point negotiations may begin on creating new parties out of the gathered individuals. A situation such as this would be where the skills of hotness and stranger manipulation would come in most handy.

Finally, when planning your party, the most important aspect of your backup plan should be that at least ONE of your three friends is significantly slower than you. This serves dual purposes. Sometimes, if your slow friend is being chased after a zombie fight that doesn't go your way (happens to the best of us, but you'll get them next time!) you can perhaps save them by reaching your hand out of a moving vehicle, or providing cover fire near an exit or entrance. This makes you look great, not only in terms of projecting skills onto you you may not have, but by giving you loyalty points. If you save others, they'll probably at least try to save you! Everybody is happy!

If you cannot save your slow friend however, it is important that you are faster than them. Because otherwise, you would be eaten by zombies, instead of your slow friend. I'm not calling zombies lazy -- don't get me wrong -- but everybody would agree that it's always nice to eat sooner rather than later when you're hungry, right? Right. Yeaaaa, I'm right! Ha ha ha!

Hopefully this has been a helpful guide in preparing you for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Remember, just because they're undead doesn't mean you can't enjoy killing them! Your final days on planet Earth will go by much more happily as long as you think of it as you getting to shoot them, instead of trying to not have them eat you. Be positive!

Pick your party wisely, and happy hunting!

Pick your zombie party

More people should listen to CBC radio for its magazine shows. Much like the public library, CBC radio is a wealth of knowledge often under appreciated. Not only do you learn about the world, but CBC reporters regularly win awards around the globe for their radio docuwork. Despite the ever-shrinking budget of the ceebs, it's a Canadian institution I fully believe in, heartily support and will love until my final days.

With that said, the current feature on 'Ideas' with Paul Kennedy is a three-part broadcast titled "Climate Wars".

Here is the synopsis:

About 2 years ago I noticed that the military in various countries, and especially in the Pentagon, were beginning to take climate change seriously. Now, it's the business of the military to find new security threats. It's also in their own self-interest, since they need a constant supply of threats in order to justify their demands on the taxpayers' money, so you should always take the new threats that the soldiers discover with a grain of salt. You know, never ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

But I did start to look into this idea that global warming could lead to wars. It turned into a year-long trek talking to scientists, soldiers and politicians in a dozen different countries. I have come back from that trip seriously worried...

- Gwynne Dyer

This might sound like an audiobook version of an inconvenient truth, but so far it has been much more focused on presenting the latest research and exploring little discussed consequences than it is about brow beating.

Not just "the world is ending" but having respected minds discuss how that might happen politically, culturally and environmentally helps really lay things out with a different perspective. Moreover, it explores both sides, weighing the consequences of ecoengineering, ecoterrorism and how both those evolutions are impacting the world on a political level for both good and in many cases, not so good.

Probably one of the most informative pieces of journalism about our current climate (literally and otherwise) that I've ever enjoyed.

I highly recommend you check it out.

Slumber party!

I'm not ashamed to admit I borrowed the entire Felicity boxset from a female friend and watched them all. Granted, I watched them all with my girlfriend at the time, but I'm not going to deny enjoying every minute of it. Those who know me also are aware of my undying loyalty to Party of Five, My So Called Life and perhaps to a lesser extent, 90210 and Melrose Place.

My question, moreso in regards to the first few examples, is what has happened to the serialized drama on television these days? There are no more hour-long shows devoted to growing up, friendship, life, love and, in the case of Felicity, wiccan dimensional travel to alternate realities.

Every show on television these days has to have a gimmick. Even the best dramas currently airing (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter) are inherently based on a circumstance. The characters are well developed, but the narrative is by far the backbone of all those shows. Mad Men may be an exception I suppose, but that isn't really a drama as it is watching a high society train wreck with sordid candor.

The only heir to the serialized-young-adult drama is Friday Night Lights, which, surprise surprise, I also adore. But despite surviving into season 4, it still suffers dismal ratings. It's the same mysterious fate that befell MSCL, and I've never figured out why Felicity and Po5 became cultural behemoths instead. My theory would naturally be that shows that are too real aren't escapist enough. MSCL was borderline depressing at times, but to be fair, as much as Felicity entertained in that now familiar JJ Abrams fashion, Po5 at times hit pretty hard too. I mean, it starts with a family losing their parents in a car crash.

I find these "chick shows" (full emphasis on air quotes there) to be some of the better written products on television solely because they are character driven, and can't resort to gimmicky plots without being called out on it. Unlike a show like Lost or BSG where things can be made up on the fly, the believability and reliability of characters is the most important facet in the writing. This, as a result, almost always leads to good television.

I didn't want this to be yet another 'watch FNL' post (which you should). Rather, I'm curious why this formula isn't attempted more often. Certainly the difficulty in pulling it off and maintaining an interesting set of characters and plot developments is time consuming compared to an arc about serial killers that certainly must come to a predictable end. Writing life empathetically is one of the toughest things to do.

Throw me in with the emotastic tween demographic if you will -- well crafted teenage girl drama is bar none always the most engrossing form of television. Respect.

Christian magnetic poetry

That's what I'm staring at right now. A mish-mash of apparently Christian words, such as "gentle", "sister", "radiant", "rejoice" and "God". Naturally, these words could pretty easily be construed in a non-religious way should one be inclined, without much effort or thought. Everything is in the eye of the beholder.

I don't talk about religion much, but I would like to think that should said conversation ever arise, I would have many insightful points to make. Life isn't only about making choices, but making informed ones. I feel I've always made steps to understand all my options concerning and views of the world before settling on ones to call my own.

The reason I mention this is because I have an acquaintance who, after being a longtime evangelical Christian (even considered seminary), has decided to leave the Church, and is now an outspoken Atheist. I find it kind of annoying.

Don't get me wrong, my problem is not with Atheism. Label's are rather futile I've always felt, so in reality I may be as much an Atheist as I am Christian. Rather, I'm taken aback by this person's borderline antagonistic attitude about religion now. It's a complete 180 turn.

If people are allowed to dislike Bible thumping evangelicals, I feel it prudent to apply the same standards of civility to smart-ass Atheists who like to go out of their way to insult religion. Posting Facebook links about Atheist arguments and Atheist novelty tshirts are just as annoying as posting your daily bible verse.

Normal people exist in between. I believe being on either of these extreme's is equally misled. Yet in general, I would say that Atheists share not even a sliver of the negative connotation that Christians do.

Is this fair? Aren't those who antagonize and actively try to persuade people not to believe in God just as overbearing as those who attend Jesus camps?

I'm not saying everyone should stay silent. I believe in a right to free speech, regardless of how moronic one might be. I'm merely suggesting that the next time you hear an Atheist go out of his/her way to insult religion, you ask that person why they felt compelled to be so negative without provocation.

The ignorant folks are usually the loudest, it's sad to say. Regardless of what you're arguing about.

Passionless

Art, good art, at least, is borne from challenge. Tragedy. Loneliness. Depression. Trauma. Self-loathing.

This is why bands always end up sucking once they become rich. They retain the talent, but the art becomes so emotionally self-effacing that it loses its idiosyncrasies.

Are there good, happy artists? Sure, but they are exceedingly rare. Suffering simply produces a much more dramatic, engaging outcome.

So basically, if you're a great artist, more than likely, you will have to live a shitty life at some point. And maintain it, to some extent. A commitment to good art is a commitment to... a shitty life? Except, it's not shitty, I suppose. Your job may be. And your house. And your clothes.

But your life, if not measured in shitty things, in theory, may be exceedingly awesome. That's the idea right? Right.

Ok then.

Because, you know. You need to know.

One advantage of free time is I get to catch up on books, movies and music that I wouldn't otherwise have sought out and engaged. Here's some interesting items out now or coming out soon:

District 9

From Peter Jackson, the visual effects in this look absolutely amazing. And not only is it about aliens, but aliens in mechas. That's like putting a twinkie inside a joe louis. How can you resist?

Daybreakers

Vampire is the new teenage-wizard, dontcha know? Also, I can't help expecting a velociraptor to jump out during any scene, in any movie, that Sam Neill is in. Still, I am intrigued by this seeming genre mashup. The trailer is pretty amazing. Also, I love Kate Bush so much that even Placebo sounds good covering her. Brownie points.

The Hurt Locker

This is supposedly the war movie of the decade. I will watch it soon, as it's out already. This I swear. The tension is pretty clearly jacked up big time from what you see in the trailer. Reviews pouring in have been nothing short of stellar.

500 Days of Summer

This actually looks pretty contrived (The Smiths? And you work in a loft studio? Ok). But I tend to enjoy mildly emo hipster rom-coms (see: State, Garden; Kiss, Last; Real Girl, Lars). Where do I sign up for my hipster-douchebag tshirt?

Albums I am eager to hear:

Ohbijou - Beacons

The Most Serene Republic - ...and the ever expanding universe

Bibio - Ambivalence Avenue

I've been listening to a lot of upbeat summer music lately. Drake, Passion Pit, Au Revoir Simone, and some Bjork to put myself in vacation mood. Suggestions welcome.

Currently reading:

Fifth Business - Robertson Davies

Next Up:

TBA. Suggestions?

I just finished 'Omnivore's Dilemma' prior to my bi-monthly Canlit fix. It was interesting, definitely, but I feel you'd almost be equally educated by just going to watch FOOD Inc. It's essentially... the movie version, of that book. With some 'Fast Food Nation' thrown in. Also, I feel guilty about everything I eat now. Thanks, Michael Pollan.

War and Peace and Werewolves

Is it better, hypothetically, to always go for what you want despite knowing things probably won't bother working out? I mean, to grab for a cupcake, for example, knowing full well you're about to go on a roller coaster and won't return to said bakery in the forseeable future? Is that a sensical analogy?

Do you grab the cupcake, roller coaster eating be damned? Or do you simply move on, knowing it was probably for the best that you do not inconvenience yourself? Where do you draw the line between reasonable selfishness and selfish indignation?

Alright. It's a babe off.

Chi-Chi...

I watched two horrible movies this week. Each featured a hot asian (mostly) girl who made the stupidity bearable, if not even somewhat enjoyable. If that makes me a sadist (or a pervert), so be it. What's really sad however is that both these girls were playing cartoon characters. I'm not sure exactly what that says about me, but I'm sure there's some sort of deep rooted symbolism there. It's probably not that deeply rooted, actually.

...or Chun-Li...

I must say that this is a tougher call than it looked on paper. I mean, Kristen Kreuk is so pretty. But Jamie Chung I would say has the nicer body. Less lithe and classical, but curvy Asian girls always get bonus points from me. KK is Canadian though, which is also a plus. But Jamie Chung is Korean, which I also approve of. Tough call.

I can't decide. I'll just bask in the presence of both, while at once thanking them for playing Japanese cartoon characters in horrendous hollywood films, and ignoring the fact they just set Asian actresses back at least five years.

For every step forward, two steps back. Somewhere, Maggie Cheung is cursing these two.

While I'm objectifying women, shout out to Grace Park. Hope you make it back to hottie relevance soon.

Causality

You know those relationships where a guy constantly hits on a girl only to be shot down every time, but it's almost a running joke, whereby even though we know the guy wants her, they remain friends and it's cute and funny how he doesn't stop his advances?

This is common in movies and television shows, and sometimes comic books I suppose.

I can't say I actually know any relationships like this. I have had conversations with chicks where they complain about guys not being able to maintain friendships post-hook-up or even if there are attractions involved. This is definitely an anomaly. By-and-large I find awkwardness to be a phenomena afflicting females more than males. Thus the male tendency to take the much simpler route, and end contact with said female all together.

You see, I would say that 98 per cent of the girls I know would be unable to deal with a friend who constantly made their desires known, even in the face of futile odds. And not in a stalkerish way, but just enough that they were aware that if offered a booty call, they would have no hesitation accepting.

It would creep them out, and they wouldn't want to hang out with them anymore.

Then again, perhaps this is more telling of the company I keep. I have no clue whether this is normal in the global population, as I think its fair to say I keep fairly conservative friends.

Assessing the Toronto off-season

The Raptors have transformed their team in a matter of weeks, with hardcore fans joyfully shuffling last year's 33-win stinker deep into the dark recesses of their memories.

We signed the biggest name UFA on the market. Drafted an athletic wing oozing with upside. Cleared up some cap space for a bench. Signed a rough back up big who hoovers boards with an attitude. Made an offer to a combo guard who can penetrate to play some back up at the 1 while spending time at the 2 in a small-lineup pinch, insurance should Roko Ukic not develop as planned.

In the big picture however, what are our expectations, and in reality, what has changed?

First off, the playoffs. Will the Raptors be a top 8 team in the East next year? Probably.

Are we a second round team? Probably not.

The question is whether fans are willing to accept this.

Let's look at it this way.

Teams that absolutely will beat us in a series: Cleveland, Orlando, Boston

Teams that are roughly on par with us: Washington, Chicago, Atlanta, Detroit

Teams that will suck next year: Charlotte, Indiana, Miami, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, New Jersey, New York

Basically, we will finish no worse than 8th, and no better than 4th. This I am willing to wager on. What that also means however, is that unless we finish 4th or 5th, we are destined to be bounced in the first round. The 6-7-8 seeds are a one-way ticket to the golf course for our team of soft-serve-shooters.

Will we be content with that result? From the perspective of a one-season improvement, perhaps. Personally however, I find this rather disconcerting, since all our players essentially are in the prime right now, meaning... unless DeMar DeRozan becomes a superstar, or MLSE is willing to trade for a superstar and go over the tax...

This is the best this team is ever going to get. Perhaps with one season playing together and experience they might climb a few wins higher and cement that 4 spot. That's a big if.

But honestly, nobody can argue the ceiling for our team is higher than that of the top three seeds in the conference. It's not even close. Our young players simply haven't shown the type of potential to explode into superstardom that defines a team on the rise.

We are a team on the minor slant upwards. And it's almost done slanting.

If DD or Bargnani become all-stars, I will eat my words.

Otherwise, expect another one and done, and another one, and another one for the forseeable future. Unless Chris Bosh leaves because he realizes the same thing. In which case, after this year we'll be back to square one. Personally, I'd almost prefer a mini-rebuild to raise the potential ceiling. But hey, that's just me.

Eight boy bands you have probably forgotten

Disclaimer -- for those of you who are banned from viewing YouTube videos at work, this will be a disappointing post unless you come back on your own time. Slackers.

Remember high school? It was good times. "Home work", part-time jobs, melodrama and skipping classes. But do you remember the soundtrack to all that?

In hindsight, trawling through popular music during that five year era is a veritable pantheon of pablum. Or more bluntly, it was a barren wasteland of musical talent. Think about what high school kids listen to today: Beyonce? Jay-z? Kanye? Panic at the Disco? Fall Out Boy?

These are actual BANDS! Artists! Compared to that, some of the crap being peddled to us in high school was downright absurd. I'm not bitter though, because at the very least it helps our generation identify with a completely unique era in pop-culture history. Morbid as it may be.

Sure, we all remember it as a time when boy bands (and to a lesser extent, girl bands and a seven member co-ed band) ruled the world. And yes, the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync are still to this day remembered somewhat fondly and with nostalgic relevance.

But what about all those other boy bands? I figured it'd be fun to take a stroll down memory lane. You probably have forgotten all these songs. Until now. I apologize, but... really. This stuff was popular once? It's a post that really just writes itself. Enjoy.

2gether

Technically, I think these guys were a a television show and not an actual band. Also, they were created to make fun of boy bands. Ironically, in their irony, they were one of my favourite boy bands.

3deep

Even 2gether had 2 hit songs. 3deep, despite being numerically superior, had only one. That's how bad they were. Even when it comes to bad music, Canada had an inferiority complex. Mostly, I remember wanting to start a band called 4shallow, just to show them up. That is all.

B44

Not only is the song incredibly perverted, but the three dudes look like child molesters in training, suffering from scurvy. Also, doesn't it seem implicitly racist to portray a black child playing with toys from a garbage can on the street? Either he's poor, or hallucinating from tainted meth. Perverts AND bigots. Yikes.

5ive

I only included them because they completed my pattern and also happened to be a one hit wonder. I only regret there wasn't a band with the number one in its name. I couldn't find the real video, which I recall takes place in a bowling alley

O-town

Created from the 'Making of the Band' tv show, their most popular song was one originally made famous by Westlife... another boy band. But Westlife was British, so apparently they don't count, and it's OK to pooch their act. BSB purists note: this is essentially the 'Get Down' video, except with less colour.

LFO

Stands for Lyte-Funky-Ones. References include Abercrombie, Footloose and... Family Ties?? There's no way they wrote this song. They can't possibly know who Alex Keaton is. It's actually pretty meta that they sing about that time back when New Kids on the Block was popular. One day, I am sure, no one will ever write a song about when LFO was popular.

The Moffats

I actually saw them live once. They were doing a gig at Playdium while I happened to be there. To be fair to them, at least these kids played instruments and wrote songs. They were just really bad. One of the brothers ended up in a band with one of my university friends' friend doing some sort of prog-rock thing in Boston. No, really.

Dudez A-Plenti

To anyone who thinks Andy Sanberg is original, I present exhibit A: Conan was pulling that shit way before that Natalie Portman stealing asshole wrote Lazy Sunday. To be honest though, Lazer Cats is some sort of epic bad assness. Props where deserved.

Dudez a-Plenti

I dedicate this post in loving memory of the YTV Hitlist.

Best of Craigslist: May 2009

Wanted: Taxidermist who watches a lot of Kung Fu

I am looking to hire someone with the means to obtain and stuff animals in fashions I choose, which will be Kung Fu for now. When I was younger I convinced a friend of mines dad to create two squirrels Kung Fu fighting. I still think about it from time to time and have decided to get my own Kung Fu animals, I understand this is a bizarre request. Serious inquiries only, please E-Mail me the species of animals you commonly hunt or can obtain and your rate for taxidermy of each in various Kung Fu poses. Mounting preferred. Once again I feel I must state this is serious. If you can show any of your previous work it will probably give you an edge on the competition. Please respond via/e-mail. Thank you.

Daughter getting morning after pill at RiteAid - m4w

Looking for the daughter half that was in Rite Aid with her mother (I assume) getting the morning after pill today in Finksburg. You had an amazing body and I would love to be the next reason you have to get another dose of said pill! Hit me up if you're looking for another go round.

hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair

you're young, hot, and homeless. you look to be about 20-25. you have brownish red shaggy hair and a nice beard. i could tell you were homeless because you were eating chips off the ground and you had urine soaked filthy pants on. i've always had a thing for the "starving artist" types and your homeless ruggedness is hot. i have seen you sleeping in one of the bus stops near public square. if you ever steal a laptop or break into a library or someone's home to use their computer, i hope you read this. ~Brittany R.

$30/hour: Personal Introduction Assistant / "wingwoman"

We have an opening for a part-time personal introduction assistant, aka a "wingwoman."

You must be classy and dress well.

Beyond that you must be able to do 4 things: 1) start conversations with beautiful women; 2) after that, remain totally silent, unless spoken directly to, but smile and look friendly while the man you are "winging" orchestrates the social situation; 3) socialize and block any man or woman attempting to interfere with the man you are winging and any woman he is chatting with; and 4) end any conversation you are having instantly at the direction of the man you are winging. These requirements are essential, not for everyone, and difficult to do well.

Now, this is a job (that's why you get paid), but it's very fun, and you may even make new friends, or even meet someone special, if it doesn't interfere with your primary employment purpose.

This job is not for you if you are uptight, frumpy, grumpy, shy, a man-hater, a debbie downer, a critic, a control freak, a pouter, a therapist, researching, writing an article, with the press, a prostitute, an escort, a relationship counselor, or a feminist with a bone to pick. Gack.

You must be 18, usually 21 for the events we attend. All work is in public at cocktail parties, charity benefits, museum openings, and the like. You will be added to any list in advance, and any fees for the event will be paid. You are responsible for transportion. Subways are $2. Although many events have free food and drink, this isn't dating, so don't ask to be bought anything. If you do ask, by mistake, don't be grumpy and bring the mood down when the answer is a polite no, or you will be paid for the time you have spent and politely sent packing.

This job is definitely for you if you are easygoing, classy, dress extremely well, and enjoy many, varied, and sometimes challenging social situations.

Our roster of full-time wingwomen is full, but we do have a part-time opening. Yes we are serious. Yes we are real. You might even have the time of your life.

Fan mail, hate mail, and non-responsive replies will not receive answers, so save us both the time and don't bother.

Please respond with a photo and contact information to the craigslist email in this ad. Thank you for your time.

Compensation: $30/hour

This is a part-time job.

This is a contract job.

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job!

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom. - m4w

I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at conco. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said "O GOD!" and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a moment. I hurried and wiped. Pulled up my pants and opend the door. And you were gone. now the door to my heart is unlocked.

girlfriend forcing sale

Girlfriend said she is tired of my mustang parts and I need to make a craigslist ad...so here is it

for sale

1 nagging dream smashing man hater

make an offer or look in the free section if she keeps it up and gets kicked to the curb

Things I don't understand: Sport Sandals

Ok, I'm probably going catch a lot of grief here since almost everybody I know seems to love these things.

I don't understand the appeal.

The practicality is obvious -- when you're hiking, or doing sports. But as a day-to-day article of footwear, these don't strike me as a particularly well suited piece of equipment for the urban jungle.

One might argue that they combine the best features of a shoe and a flip-flop. I suppose that is a glass half full perspective.

Rather, I find they combine the worst features of a shoe and a flip-flop. They cannot be slid on and off due to necessary bindings/straps, yet despite that added effort, they do not provide the sort of protection from dirt and grime that a shoe covers you from.

Actually, to be honest I'm a bit biased, as I don't understand why you would even want your feet exposed to the world anyways. They get all dirty, you're unprotected, and you lose the all important ability to chase down criminals should a spontaneous act of courage be called upon. Sport sandals are a poor replacement for running shoes when hurdling cars, leaping from roofs and climbing chain link fences.

My question remains however, why would anyone choose to wear sandals over flip-flops of they were so inclined to tan their toes?

Don't even get started me on socks and sandals.

Fringe 2009: Love and Human Extinction

It’s easy to laugh at tragedy. Not due to callousness, of course, but because humour is one of the few ways humans can rationalize absurdity. Without Jon Stewart, for example, following politics would be entirely soul crushing.

Perhaps it’s unsurprising then that when watching local writer/poet Shaista Justin’s latest one-act tragicomedy for the Toronto Fringe Festival, you end up giggling more than grimacing, witnessing an awkward drama set at the brink of the world.

Aptly titled ‘Love and Human Extinction’, Justin’s tale picks up the story several years into the end times. Only three human beings remain following a mysterious and global culling of life, including all animals sea and sky. The trio, played with conviction by Jennifer Neales, Matthew Manhire and Damien Gulde, spend most of the play coping internally and as a group with their shared dystopian fates.

Neales plays the fragile Roberta, the lone woman on earth and, as such, the most popular person on the planet. Vying for her affection are Andy and Elliott, played by Manhire and Gulde respectively. Different as night and day, Andy clings to his belief that God has a reason for everything, while Elliott roots through what’s left of the world he knew, piecing together the past and gathering clues to figure out what happened.

Although the details of the extinction are mentioned vaguely during soliloquies and expository conversations, none of the characters actually know what happened and, more importantly, why it didn’t happen to them.

Indeed, despite the context of an entire world in ruin, Justin and director Saniya Ansari delve into three internal struggles to comment on the dysfunction of society, portraying the final people alive as too self-absorbed to even cohabit the same room.

"People are tired of being talked at -- they want interesting conundrums to think about," explains Justin in a release. "In my play, the worst has already happened, the debate about what could happen is over … I wanted to write about the actual consequences of our negligent behaviour towards the earth and each other.”

There’s no football-in-groin humour here, but witty dialogue and the surrealism of the entire premise provide ample comedic opportunities, both ironic and intentional.

Part ‘Lord of the Flies’ mixed with a pinch of ‘Reality Bites’, the tiny ensemble cast entertain and enlighten in a tidy 40 minutes, waxing philosophical with enough gusto that you don’t notice the modest set nor care that Andy’s shotgun is a yellow super soaker.

‘Love and Human Extinction’ is fun and definitely worth checking out amongst a bumper crop of acts in this year’s Fringe. The play will have a six show run through to Saturday, July 11. All shows will appear at the Royal St. George Theatre (120 Howland St., Bathurst & Bloor). Tickets ($10) can be found at www.fringetoronto.com or purchased at the door.

For more information go to www.loveandhumanextinction.com

Welcome back white folks

You know how technology kind of creeps up on us, but becomes entrenched so quickly in our lives that we don't even remember what life was like before the internet or cell phones?

A similar phenomena is currently taking place in bars all over and having thoroughly listened to the Passion Pit album this week, I've decided it's time to extoll the return of white people to the dance floor.

Welcome. We've missed you.

You see, for the longest time, White people completely owned the floor. Waltzing, foxtrots, flappers, the charleston, the twist. Remember when Footloose came out? Disco? The hustle?

White people used to dance. In dance clubs. It was cool, and it was the cool thing to do.

But then... then came hip hop. Because hip-hop proved to be such a culturally embedded art form, white people never really were able to appropriate hiphop to the same complete extent that they consumed jazz, or rock and roll.

To this day, despite Eminem's best efforts and rabid consumption of hip-hop by white suburbanites, ownership of the music is still inexorably linked to black culture, and as such ownership of all dancing and dance-like movements (i.e. breaking, popping, locking, and various degrees of getting jiggy, leaning and nodding very, very slowly). The stigma of white hiphop has not been overcome, and as a result, white people are uncomfortable dancing freely, although they most certainly will try their best to emulate the actions of black people dancing -- mostly out of respect for the form.

But when you see white people dancing to Beyonce at a club, let's be honest -- that's not how white people dance. If you've ever seen the Chapelle show skit with John Mayer and ?uestlove, you'd know that in their natural habitat, surrounded by fellow white people with approved white music playing, this is white dancing taking its natural course:

Within the last two years however, slowly but surely, there has been a relatively new genre seeping into bars and clubs -- white dance music. And not European white, commonly referred to here as "Gino beats", or "Techno". No, I am referring to homegrown, North American music, made for dancing.

The sample above features a Santogold song, which is not prototypical of the genre I speak, but still somewhat relevant as according to the white-hipster rulebook (section 143.2d) she is an approved artist under the white-dancing protocol of 2003.

You see, what started with a few dance infused indie rock bands (the Rapture, !!!) and extended into djs (Daft Punk, Girltalk) has naturally evolved into a whole new genre that, although seemingly ubiquitous to us today, is actually quite new -- indietronicpop.

To be honest, the genre is so popular yet actually still so new that nobody has coined an all encompassing term yet, like how "Emo" came to eventually represent all melodic power pop punk and metal.

Helping to pave the way on the pop side of the equation was Dntel and Ben Gibbard, who together put out the Postal Service, a forbearer album that led hipsters to add synths and midi to all the folk songs they had been recording in Garageband.

Sometime in 2005, after Kanye West was awarded honorary hipster status, white indie artists became comfortable enough with certain minority artists (but not all. The list was essentially Kanye, MIA, The Roots, NERD and TV on the Radio, who don't rap, but were black and played indie rock. This strange juxtaposition helped join this bridge from the non-white side of the equation, as did Lupe Fiasco and Pharell, who liked to pretend they could skateboard -- a decidedly white hobby until about 3 years ago) to appropriate not the actual essence of black music, but at least some of the tools used to create it -- tools which could be borrowed and reutilized to form their own, more comfortably familiar beats.

Thus 808's and record sampling began to be common place in the vintage clothing crowd.

The movement began gaining momentum.

Now, we have clearly reached a tipping point. With bands such as LCDSS, Cut Copy, Justice, Hercules & Love Affair and Passion Pit, white people have finally found their way home.

Walk into any hipster hangout on a weekend now and the days of shoegazing, toe tapping and headnodding while leaning against a wall are long gone. No, today you will hear falsetto's blaring, synths, heaving bass and people dancing drunkenly and uncontrollably -- the natural state of a white person dancing (it's been downhill since Fred Astaire), emancipated from the coolness associated with dancing to hiphop, and the monopoly hiphop had on rhythm until just this decade.

Here, in three short videos, is an abbreviated evolution of hipster dance music.

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Things I am currently enjoying

1. The weather
2. Passion Pit
3. Peaches
4. Fringe Festival
5. NBA Free Agency speculation
6. Lists
7. The Jays
8. PC Brand Coffee
9. Dota
10. Frugality

Getting more Northern and North Eastern

Alright, so I was out of commission for the kickoff jam, spending my time sitting face first in front of a toilet instead of being up close and personal with surprise headliners Broken Social Scene and Feist. Plus, I also was too weak to go to any of the film, or conference events. Double bogey.

But after I managed to crawl out of my sickbed, NXNE was still a pretty awesome time. I was limited to only my venue since it was an extended call event (the bar served until 4am all weekend; both an awesome and terrible thing). Despite that, some really amazing, talented (and super friendly) musicians did make their way through The Painted Lady.

Highlights:

Midwest Dilemma

From Omaha, Nebraska, lead singer Justin Lamoureux channels a lot of his good friend Conor Oberst in his voice, right down to letting out quivering emotional screams. There's a lot of soul in the music, which is a mix of lilting orchestral ballads and foot stomping acoustic romps. It doesn't stray particularly far (aptly) from that familiar midwestern indie sound, but if you're into stuff like Bright Eyes, Tilly and the Wall, Sufjan Stevens or Jenny Lewis' solo ventures, you'd probably enjoy Midwest Dilemma.

What really came out live was how ridiculously talented they were. It's not every night you rock out a bar with a clarinet solo, but these guys had the folks (literally) dancing on the bar, clapping, singing along and the set ended with chants for an encore. Sadly, we had to say no due to the tight festival schedule, but I certainly wouldn't have minded more from these super friendly folks. On top of being warm, talented and endearing, the band said they were driving from the bar directly to a park north of the city (this was at 2am) to go camping for the weekend afterwards. In the words of Maggie the clarinetist, "It's cheaper and I've never been camping before! I'm stoked!"

You can't argue with any of that.

Michou

From Windsor, these guys were actually a replacement band after we found out one of our acts had cancelled and we scrambled to find someone to take her spot. Michou had just played a set at the Rivoli, and drove directly over and played the Painted Lady last minute. Definitely a different sound (our venue was mainly singer-songwriter type stuff the rest of the night) but some melodic power pop and folksy rock was a welcome change of pace, and the crowd appreciated the energy and volume from the five piece. Kind of a mix of Wintersleep, City and Colour, Cuff the Duke with some Death Cab thrown in (the lead singer even has a Ben Gibbard-ish voice thing going for him). Lots of great harmonies, clapping and xylophone. Great stuff, and they ride in a Starcraft van. Classy dudes.

The Painted Lady

The best part of the weekend though was probably the venue itself. I'd heard about the Lady from various magazines and newspapers, but this was my first time there. I must say, I fully intend to be back, and often. There are really only four staff who run the bar, and they live the kind of life you hear about or see on tv but don't imagine real folks live. The owners were born in South Africa, have lived in New Orleans, opened their bar here in Toronto (they live above it) and did all the decorating themselves. I was incredibly impressed by how cosy and intimate it was. They definitely spent there they needed to and not where they didn't, and as a result the place looks and feels very New York. It's got personality shining through everywhere.

On top of that, the staff are some of the nicest folks you'll meet this side of Kansas. They're hip, accommodating, hard working and easy going. All of them make the place one of the most popular bars on the Ossington strip with the place still filled to capacity with music blasting as I sat sipping my pint at 5am Sunday morning.

On top of that, it's pretty much directly across the street from Pizza Libretto. They're constantly adding live acts, hoping to get up to 3-4 music gigs a week. I told them I'd be back, and I hope to soon. Definitely a go-to place to hang and a great find -- the new bar, and new friends.

This is what we call irony

Watch Food Inc.

Eat a steak.

Get food poisoning.

I felt pretty queasy while eating the strip actually, it was incredibly raw. I mean, I asked for rare but it was definitely blue.

And now, the toilet paper count is at 5 rolls. Vomit count at 8. Can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I feel uncomfortable would be a gross understatement.

I've redefined liquid poop, I think.

#iranelection

Twitter has arrived.

The VT incident was a glimpse, but right now in Iran, students and tech savvy reformists alike are using Twitter as the tool of choice for instant and first-person communique coming out of Tehran and the tumultuous protests going on right now.

I can't think of another situation where one was able, in real time, to access the thoughts, sights and messages of so many people concerning one event.

Can you imagine if this was possible during 9/11? People would be tweeting their location in buildings. Rescue services would be checking it for information. Pictures would instantly have been sent to the outside world.

This marks a pretty powerful point for social media, with the U.S. State Dept. even admitting it pressed Twitter to hold off on a scheduled maintenance to allow Iranians to continue using the site as a point of reference on source of information.

Ingenuity has allowed many Iranians to continue using the site through proxy servers, getting around the general bans the government has levied against cell phones, text messages, email, facebook, blogs and even twitter itself.

Yes, 90% of the comments I receive in twitter are asinine. But when something like this happens, the potential of not just the internet, by social networking is plain to see.

If McLuhan's global village was a tribalized network of communities that redefined individualism, social media has perhaps ushered in a evolved state of the village -- one that modifies what we deem individual but more importantly, what we consider to be our tribe.

I am fascinated by what's going on in Tehran. The political repercussions of the reformist backlash cannot be understated -- the potential for change is most definitely in the air.

But perversely, I am even more fascinated by what's going on on Twitter.

As important as the tool has become, I truly believe at the end of this, the true winner will be the mainstream media. It may not look like it now, because compared to Tweets, the 6pm news is painfully outdated and slow to react to breaking events. But the vetting process of true journalism cannot be undervalued.

It's great to get breaking news from the mob. But the wall of noise eventually gives way to deeper questions -- who can you trust? what information is accurate?

Unlike a lot of others, who believe social networking is "the new journalism," I think that's simply not true. Journalism will always be sharing of stories in an accurate, timely fashion.

Twitter is but another tool. But perhaps one of the biggest we've seen in a generation.